This is an oversimplification, of course. But plenty of truth can be found in oversimplifications. Vienna, the rather nice girl, is surrounded by friends. Erica, the extremely popular girl, is surrounded by worshippers. Philip has a name for the guys who worship but do not date Erica. He calls them her guy-bitches. In contrast, he calls the guys who are friends but not boyfriends with other girls like Vienna metro-friends.
To be clear, the average guy at Hermes High School—in fact the average freshman guy at Hermes High School—is neither a guy-bitch, nor a metro-friend. Most guys merely fall into or not far from one of the traditional categories of scholar, jock, nerd, delinquent, or loser that have existed at least since I was in high school, though under varying names. Philip is a scholar (that is, having the good qualities of both the jocks and the nerds) and I am trying with only limited success to introduce Philip to the idea of also being a metro-friend. Among the freshmen at Hermes High School, only a small handful of guys succeed at being metro-friends.
The guy-bitches deserve a closer look. For some, it is merely the hopeless ambition to win Erica’s love. Self-deception plays a role in these cases. For others, it is an acceptance of the fact that Erica’s love—though still desirable—is beyond one’s reach, so the next best thing is to be in Erica’s entourage, especially since Erica is also surrounded by a bunch of girls who also worship her with an enthusiasm that rivals that of the guy-bitches. And then there are the chief-guy-bitches. The chief-guy-bitches are a handful of jocks—each of whom is popular in his own right—who nonetheless chooses to play into Erica’s guy-bitch game in support of high school’s popularity hierarchy. The chief-guy-bitches also enjoy the benefit of not being fully under Erica’s control. One of the chief-guy-bitches is Walter, who Philip privately refers to as The Chump. Walter defied Erica by calling her parents when Erica got herself drunk at a Halloween party. More recently, Walter waved Erica over to join a group of freshmen celebrating Philip’s athletic prowess in the previous day’s lacrosse game even though he knew Erica was not speaking to Philip.
Not all girls have metro-friends, but Vienna is certainly one of them. Vienna brought her best friend Kayla and two metro-friends Rob and Noah along with her to Philip’s party in late February. It was what saved Philip’s party from being a complete disaster. In early March, Kayla and Noah announced to the world via their Facebook “relationship status” that they were boyfriend and girlfriend. One has to respect Noah for spending a long time getting to know Kayla and genuinely befriending her ahead of asking her out. Most freshmen at Hermes High School rush into boyfriend-girlfriend relationships that end up lasting only ten days.
With all the time she spends hanging out and chatting it up with Noah and her metro-friends, one would think Vienna would have no trouble talking to Philip. But this has not been the case. Since his party, Philip has been making a sincere effort to get to know Vienna better, but he has been disappointed by how little she communicates.
“Do you ask her open-ended questions?” I asked Philip when he told me his attempts to engage Vienna in conversation kept falling flat.
“Of course I ask her open-ended questions, dad!”
“Alright. Maybe she is having trouble talking to you because she is shy or nervous.”
“It doesn’t matter, dad! She could be non-communicative because she is shy, nervous, lost interest in me, or was never interested in me in the first place. No matter what the reason, there is no way I can have an actual relationship with her if we cannot actually talk!”
Philip’s astute observation impressed me. And he succeeded in his goal to get me to stop asking him about Vienna. Still, as a parent I like Vienna a whole lot more than I like Erica. Both Erica and Vienna are fourteen-year-old girls who are still growing up. Each is a tangled and imbalanced mixture of maturity and immaturity, wisdom and foolishness, bravery and insecurity. Each wants to be admired by guys, especially the more mature-looking jocks and scholars. And each finds the prospect of a real relationship with a guy both desirable and terrifying.
It is unclear whether either Erica or Vienna is truly ready for a real relationship with a guy. I also wonder whether Philip is truly ready for a real relationship with a girl. But I do think there is a core difference in attitude between Erica and Vienna. Erica wants to get. And Vienna wants to share. And while that core difference in attitude holds, I hope Philip will never fall for Erica or someone like her again. But girls like Vienna deserve a genuine shot at the dear scholar who is my son Philip.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Talk it up or Watch it Fail
Bradley was on the far end of the periphery of Philip’s social network. He was a reasonably popular junior and had been the second string quarterback at Conquistador High School, one of Hermes’ main rivals. For his seventeenth birthday, Bradley’s family gave him what was intended to be a very generous gift. They rented a nice facility, hired a DJ and sponsored a teen dance on Valentine’s Day evening. It was on a Sunday night, but all the schools in the area were closed Monday for President’s Day.
Bradley put up a nice invitation on Facebook. He invited all his friends and encouraged them to invite others. The event clearly stated that one did not need a formal invitation to attend. The attendee list included students from Hermes, Conquistador and Santa Carla. Since Bradley was a junior from another school and Philip was only a freshman, they were not friends on Facebook. Nonetheless, Philip recognized several friends on the attendee list, including a few of the girls who had gone snowboarding with him two weeks earlier. Philip was nervous about going. But between the event’s natural appeal and Amelia and I encouraging him, Philip decided he would go.
On the Facebook event page, over fifty people had accepted Bradley’s invitation and over seventy had said maybe. More than half were girls. I dropped Philip off a fashionable half an hour after the start time to what seemed like an overflow crowd. But my initial perception proved wrong. The teens were hanging around outside because the party inside was nearly dead. Philip estimated there were fifteen girls and thirty-five guys at the peak of the party with perhaps a total of seventy-five if one were to count those who made a brief appearance and then left. Philip managed to enjoy just two dances with the two girls he knew from snowboarding. Then after less than an hour the dancing had stopped because the girls were too embarrassed to dance on a near-empty dance floor. In short, the dance was a miserable failure and Bradley must have been crushed.
Per his request via a text message, I picked up Philip an hour before the dance officially ended. We talked about the dance and why it might have been such a failure. It wasn’t Bradley’s popularity. And it was not the appeal of the event itself. One could not fault Bradley and his family for not offering alcohol to minors, but that would have clearly solved the attendance problem. And so in the end it came down to promotion. Bradley simply did not invite enough guests and most importantly he did not talk up the party enough—if at all. Philip’s own reluctance to attend the party was anecdotal evidence enough of this problem.
Understanding Bradley’s mistake in getting people to attend was important. At least it was important in my mind. Philip’s own birthday event, a party that had no DJ and no special facility was scheduled for the following week. The appeal was only a backyard campfire and the chance to hang out with one another. Philip added a mere five people to his Facebook guest list and telephoned just two girls he knew who did not have Facebook accounts. Beyond that, Philip was not comfortable promoting his party.
Philip’s best friend from Oak Hills Charter School, Joshua, arrived right at the beginning of the party. But Joshua’s sister Debbie was grounded and did not join them. Philip and Joshua hung out by the campfire with a CD playing a mix of alternative and hip-hop. Forty-five minutes into the party, the moment of fashionable lateness, Vienna arrived with her best friend and two guys Philip considered friends. Nonetheless, that party was still three to five people short of critical mass. The group of six hung out by the campfire enjoying one another’s company, but the group conversation started to die after about half an hour. Philip suggested they go inside and watch an instant movie. That bought them the length of the movie. But after that Philip was out of ideas and suggested they call it a night just an hour before the scheduled end to the party.
Half the people who had said they were coming to Philip’s party did not come because they decided to go to a basketball game. And none of the people who had said maybe came. Had it not been for Vienna, the party would almost certainly have been only Philip and Joshua. As the evening progressed, I understood why so many parents turn a blind eye toward alcohol at teen parties. But that is not an option we are going to seriously consider. What it means is that until Philip is comfortable actively promoting his parties, there is no point in having another. The days of Amelia or I contacting the parents of Philip’s peers to ensure they attend his parties are behind us. It is up to Philip to make his own social life happen. We’ll have to see how that plays out. At least Philip did not suffer Bradley’s humiliation.
Bradley put up a nice invitation on Facebook. He invited all his friends and encouraged them to invite others. The event clearly stated that one did not need a formal invitation to attend. The attendee list included students from Hermes, Conquistador and Santa Carla. Since Bradley was a junior from another school and Philip was only a freshman, they were not friends on Facebook. Nonetheless, Philip recognized several friends on the attendee list, including a few of the girls who had gone snowboarding with him two weeks earlier. Philip was nervous about going. But between the event’s natural appeal and Amelia and I encouraging him, Philip decided he would go.
On the Facebook event page, over fifty people had accepted Bradley’s invitation and over seventy had said maybe. More than half were girls. I dropped Philip off a fashionable half an hour after the start time to what seemed like an overflow crowd. But my initial perception proved wrong. The teens were hanging around outside because the party inside was nearly dead. Philip estimated there were fifteen girls and thirty-five guys at the peak of the party with perhaps a total of seventy-five if one were to count those who made a brief appearance and then left. Philip managed to enjoy just two dances with the two girls he knew from snowboarding. Then after less than an hour the dancing had stopped because the girls were too embarrassed to dance on a near-empty dance floor. In short, the dance was a miserable failure and Bradley must have been crushed.
Per his request via a text message, I picked up Philip an hour before the dance officially ended. We talked about the dance and why it might have been such a failure. It wasn’t Bradley’s popularity. And it was not the appeal of the event itself. One could not fault Bradley and his family for not offering alcohol to minors, but that would have clearly solved the attendance problem. And so in the end it came down to promotion. Bradley simply did not invite enough guests and most importantly he did not talk up the party enough—if at all. Philip’s own reluctance to attend the party was anecdotal evidence enough of this problem.
Understanding Bradley’s mistake in getting people to attend was important. At least it was important in my mind. Philip’s own birthday event, a party that had no DJ and no special facility was scheduled for the following week. The appeal was only a backyard campfire and the chance to hang out with one another. Philip added a mere five people to his Facebook guest list and telephoned just two girls he knew who did not have Facebook accounts. Beyond that, Philip was not comfortable promoting his party.
Philip’s best friend from Oak Hills Charter School, Joshua, arrived right at the beginning of the party. But Joshua’s sister Debbie was grounded and did not join them. Philip and Joshua hung out by the campfire with a CD playing a mix of alternative and hip-hop. Forty-five minutes into the party, the moment of fashionable lateness, Vienna arrived with her best friend and two guys Philip considered friends. Nonetheless, that party was still three to five people short of critical mass. The group of six hung out by the campfire enjoying one another’s company, but the group conversation started to die after about half an hour. Philip suggested they go inside and watch an instant movie. That bought them the length of the movie. But after that Philip was out of ideas and suggested they call it a night just an hour before the scheduled end to the party.
Half the people who had said they were coming to Philip’s party did not come because they decided to go to a basketball game. And none of the people who had said maybe came. Had it not been for Vienna, the party would almost certainly have been only Philip and Joshua. As the evening progressed, I understood why so many parents turn a blind eye toward alcohol at teen parties. But that is not an option we are going to seriously consider. What it means is that until Philip is comfortable actively promoting his parties, there is no point in having another. The days of Amelia or I contacting the parents of Philip’s peers to ensure they attend his parties are behind us. It is up to Philip to make his own social life happen. We’ll have to see how that plays out. At least Philip did not suffer Bradley’s humiliation.
A Daddy Daughter Shopping Trip
Philip was spending the weekend snowboarding with friends. Amelia was on her annual girls’ weekend away. Both were tucked away in a mountain community at least four hours from home. Amelia was with about five friends in a townhouse. Philip was with about thirty-five friends in a lodge. Chloe and I had an entire weekend to do “daddy and daughter” things all by ourselves. We ate the food the other two never wanted to eat. We watched a movie that appealed to us alone. I took her to her basketball game and watched her score three points between a foul shot and a regular basket. But my favorite shared activity of the weekend was shopping together in a girls’ beauty shop that just opened in town.
The store was stationed right next to one of the two pharmacies in Hermes. While Chloe grabbed a shiny metallic basket to shop in earnest, I engaged the store manager on her company’s business plan. The beauty store was actually owned by the pharmacy’s parent company. The idea was to expand the pharmacy’s sale of beauty products by winning business away from the department stores in the mall. The inventory was more high-end than what was normally found in a pharmacy. Additionally, the beauty store had dedicated staff. That day the store manager had one sales assistant. Unlike their department store counterparts, they were not wearing lab coats. Instead they were dressed and made up as if they knew what they were doing by experience, not just training.
While I was asking the store manager about daily sales volume during their first quarter of business, Chloe came by to show me her likely purchase which was a $16.99 twist out container of lipstick. But Chloe called it lip gloss. “You can get the lip gloss if you want, Chloe. But that will probably be all you can get, since you just have twenty dollars.”
Chloe skipped away happy she could get the lipstick. “I’m pretty sure this is what I want to get,” she said with giddy eagerness. “But I want to keep looking around.” Chloe scoured the store. She spent a long time looking at the nail polish. But she also looked at eye shadow, the rest of the lipstick offerings, foundations, powders, moisturizers and everything else that lined the store’s shelves. While the store manager was describing to me the growing interest the store had from middle school aged girls, Chloe came over to ask, “What is mascara?”
After about twenty minutes in the store with no other customers. I figured I owed the store manager an opportunity to sell me something. “I’d like to get some perfume for my wife as a Valentine’s Day gift,” I said. “Can you recommend a few choices?” The store manager brought me over and gave me her sales presentation. From my MBA perspective, there was not much depth to the sales presentation. She simply began straying pinky-length strips of hard paper sticks from the test bottles and asked me my opinion. After the first three, I suggested I narrow my choices down to no more than two and test them out of each of Chloe’s wrists.
After smelling about eleven different perfumes, Chloe came by again having completed her self-guided tour of the store’s entire inventory. She still wanted to purchase the $16.99 lipstick and I told her she could buy it when we leave. Then I recruited her to be the true tester for the perfumes I was considering for Amelia. Chloe was immediately excited by the idea. She had looked at the perfume containers, but hadn’t smelled them at all. Suddenly there were eleven little scent sticks for her to inspect with her own olfactory senses. Trying on multiple perfumes also gave me the perfect platform to ensure Chloe took the scheduled shower I promised Amelia I would enforce.
With Chloe and I as the only customers in the store, the sales manager and her assistant indulged Chloe with their attention. They suggested five sprays rather than two: One at each elbow, one at the base of each hand, and one on the back of the neck. The first three were my top choices from the eleven original sprays. Then based on my feedback, they suggested two more. The final spray to the back of Chloe’s neck carried the day.
We all went to the check-out counter satisfied. Chloe purchased the most expensive container of makeup she’d ever owned. I had formulated an MBA case study if I ever needed one. Amelia had one of the nicest Valentine’s gifts I had ever given her on its way. And the staff at the beauty store had a nice sale of around six percent of their daily quota added to that day’s volume. The purchase came with a few free promotional giveaways for Chloe which topped it all off.
We put our bags in the car and indulged in one last daddy-daughter ritual. We walked into our favorite local coffee shop. I ordered black coffee. Chloe ordered a buttered croissant and a hot chocolate. We sat together for fifteen minutes reviewing our shopping trip to the beauty store. It was a fun trip and a fun weekend for both of us.
The store was stationed right next to one of the two pharmacies in Hermes. While Chloe grabbed a shiny metallic basket to shop in earnest, I engaged the store manager on her company’s business plan. The beauty store was actually owned by the pharmacy’s parent company. The idea was to expand the pharmacy’s sale of beauty products by winning business away from the department stores in the mall. The inventory was more high-end than what was normally found in a pharmacy. Additionally, the beauty store had dedicated staff. That day the store manager had one sales assistant. Unlike their department store counterparts, they were not wearing lab coats. Instead they were dressed and made up as if they knew what they were doing by experience, not just training.
While I was asking the store manager about daily sales volume during their first quarter of business, Chloe came by to show me her likely purchase which was a $16.99 twist out container of lipstick. But Chloe called it lip gloss. “You can get the lip gloss if you want, Chloe. But that will probably be all you can get, since you just have twenty dollars.”
Chloe skipped away happy she could get the lipstick. “I’m pretty sure this is what I want to get,” she said with giddy eagerness. “But I want to keep looking around.” Chloe scoured the store. She spent a long time looking at the nail polish. But she also looked at eye shadow, the rest of the lipstick offerings, foundations, powders, moisturizers and everything else that lined the store’s shelves. While the store manager was describing to me the growing interest the store had from middle school aged girls, Chloe came over to ask, “What is mascara?”
After about twenty minutes in the store with no other customers. I figured I owed the store manager an opportunity to sell me something. “I’d like to get some perfume for my wife as a Valentine’s Day gift,” I said. “Can you recommend a few choices?” The store manager brought me over and gave me her sales presentation. From my MBA perspective, there was not much depth to the sales presentation. She simply began straying pinky-length strips of hard paper sticks from the test bottles and asked me my opinion. After the first three, I suggested I narrow my choices down to no more than two and test them out of each of Chloe’s wrists.
After smelling about eleven different perfumes, Chloe came by again having completed her self-guided tour of the store’s entire inventory. She still wanted to purchase the $16.99 lipstick and I told her she could buy it when we leave. Then I recruited her to be the true tester for the perfumes I was considering for Amelia. Chloe was immediately excited by the idea. She had looked at the perfume containers, but hadn’t smelled them at all. Suddenly there were eleven little scent sticks for her to inspect with her own olfactory senses. Trying on multiple perfumes also gave me the perfect platform to ensure Chloe took the scheduled shower I promised Amelia I would enforce.
With Chloe and I as the only customers in the store, the sales manager and her assistant indulged Chloe with their attention. They suggested five sprays rather than two: One at each elbow, one at the base of each hand, and one on the back of the neck. The first three were my top choices from the eleven original sprays. Then based on my feedback, they suggested two more. The final spray to the back of Chloe’s neck carried the day.
We all went to the check-out counter satisfied. Chloe purchased the most expensive container of makeup she’d ever owned. I had formulated an MBA case study if I ever needed one. Amelia had one of the nicest Valentine’s gifts I had ever given her on its way. And the staff at the beauty store had a nice sale of around six percent of their daily quota added to that day’s volume. The purchase came with a few free promotional giveaways for Chloe which topped it all off.
We put our bags in the car and indulged in one last daddy-daughter ritual. We walked into our favorite local coffee shop. I ordered black coffee. Chloe ordered a buttered croissant and a hot chocolate. We sat together for fifteen minutes reviewing our shopping trip to the beauty store. It was a fun trip and a fun weekend for both of us.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
A Modern Valentine’s Tale Begins
Erica’s treatment of Philip rapidly went from flirtatious to contemptuous as if she was preparing for life as paparazzi-harassed starlet. After turning down Philip’s invitation to go out, Erica blocked him on Facebook. It was unique. Philip knew there was at least one other guy who had asked her out that same week and he did not get the same treatment. Erica hadn’t even unfriended the football player she had the ten day hot-and-then-cold relationship with shortly after Philip and Erica met. But there it was for Philip: The digital equivalent of a restraining order.
Philip did not know what to think. But he was not intimidated and genuinely wanted to make things right by apologizing or confronting whoever might by telling Erica lies about him. But when he asked Erica directly, she flatly denied she had either blocked or unfriended him. “It must be a mistake,” she replied. But not long after she was heard spreading jokes about “not being friends any more.” And so Philip moved on. But a thin grey line had been drawn in the sand. If Erica had her way, one would be on either winning Team Erica or losing Team Philip. But the actual teaming that has developed appears to be more negative than positive and Philip was hardly losing. Erica has created and now leads something that would be more accurately described as Team against Philip since Erica is against Philip. For his part, Philip has found himself surrounded by a growing crowd of guys who have developed a particular dislike for Erica. He has become the rallying figurehead for Team We’re Sick of Erica.
This new set of guys rallying around Philip waste no time pointing out something they claim Erica does with regularity. Erica will draw a guy in with a smile, batting eyelashes and other flirtatious actions. But in such cases Erica has no real or genuine interest in the guy. And if the guy gets bold enough to pursue Erica, her treatment of the guy quickly swings into reverse, “Ew! No!” The result for Erica is a small crowd of timid, fawning, emasculated admirers. Even Erica's ex-boyfriend Bruce from the football team has not been immune. Not long after Bruce got his driver’s license, Erica had recruited him as her chauffer.
A teenage girls’ most often used offensive weapon against a teenage guy is to attack his dignity by making him look and feel undesirable. And Erica chose to bring the full force of her personal arsenal toward this end with Philip. It is worth noting here that teenage guys use the same weapon against teenage girls, but they also have other offensive weapons available to them in their social battles with teenage girls. Words like Slut, Whore and Bitch attack a teenage girl’s character and the appropriateness of her conduct. And the equivalent accusations against guys hold much less social stigma.
As a family, we have taught Philip not to go on the offensive. And so far, he understands the long term disadvantages of going on the offensive and is not facing severe temptation to do so. Instead we have taught him how to tactfully take a strong defensive position. “Yep. She’s really, really mad at me about something. Just ask her,” he might say with a smile and matter-of-fact demeanor. But he leaves the use of crude words and degrading stories for others. As a member of the lacrosse team, he gets to listen to it often in the safety and privacy of the guys’ changing room.
Initially, those willing to show Philip support appeared to be guys only. And to be fair, a girl would open herself up to teasing and ridicule if she were to show too much open support for Philip or any guy for that matter. But Valentine’s Day provided one girl with the opportunity to tell Philip he was far from undesirable.
The guys and even a few girls in the gymnasium erupted with clapping and cat-calls. Some were happy merely to have a guy receive a Valentine. Others took particular pleasure in seeing Philip receive a token that underscored his desirability among teenage girls, despite all of Erica’s efforts. And although he did not know it at the time, the anonymous sender herself—a girl named
Late the following week, Philip had received enough hints from mutual friends to know with near certainty that
Sunday, January 31, 2010
In the Circle and Perhaps Even an Emerging Campus Warlord
In Philip’s eyes, the moment was almost certainly no big deal. For him, the moment was most likely a logical continuation of a smooth stream of getting to know the people in one of his various crowds better. But for me it was a sharp contrast from what I had observed roughly eight months earlier. Eight months earlier, Renee was the rising eleventh-grader whose words to Philip during the carwash fundraiser had seemed potentially condescending to me. Renee was one of the social dominants inside a circle of teens that wouldn’t quite let Philip inside that day.
I saw Renee again last Friday when I dropped off Philip for a weekend teen snow trip. Renee and Philip had arrived at roughly the same time. Both had snowboards rather than skis, and both were submitting their health release forms and final payments at one end of the parking lot, while I carried half of Philip’s baggage to the bus at the other end of the parking lot. After I gave Philip’s final bag to the bus driver, I turned away and saw Philip and Renee stepping away from the group of registrants at the same time. Philip was now just slightly taller than Renee. Their body language spoke volumes. It did not contain affection. (That would have really surprised me.) But their heads were down and they were walking in unison as close as two teens could walk together without actually touching. What I saw was trust and mutual respect. Philip and Renee were sharing a conversation that was meant to be just between the two of them. The two were probably completely unaware of their shared body language. They walked all the way from one end of the parking lot to the other like that until they stepped onto the bus together. It was another situation where I didn’t mind not getting a goodbye.
Renee’s crowd was not the only group of teens in which Philip’s social standing had been advancing. As the school year progressed, Philip moved away from Tim and his crowd, and had instead enjoyed lunches with other freshmen. Philip’s newer lunchtime crowd has been mostly guys, and these guys seem to gain particular enjoyment watching Philip watching Philip interact with girls. Philip’s new crowd seemed to notice every signal Erica was sending to Philip. And they began pushing Philip to ask Erica out. But they had other designs as well.
One of the guys, Marty, wanted help meeting girls. So Philip joined Marty during lunch one day and asked two freshman girls if they could sit with them. The two girls quickly agreed and the four enjoyed a nice lunch together. But the next day Philip saw Marty talking with the same two girls at the beginning of lunch. As Philip approached to join them, the two girls walked away from Marty. “What happened?” Philip asked Marty.
“Well,” Marty answered. “It seems they BOTH have a crush on YOU.”
“Are you sure?” Philip laughed.
“Yes. I am ABSOLUTELY certain,” Marty answered with only a small degree of annoyance.
When one girl, Nancy, had confided with some of Philip’s lunchtime friends that she would really like to have a date for the Winter Formal, Marty and Philip’s other lunchtime friends began to push Philip to ask Nancy to the dance. And so only minutes later, Philip fearlessly asked Nancy to the dance, “That’s ironic,” she stared at Philip. “Somebody else just asked me to the dance less than five minutes ago and I told him yes.” It was a kind let-down. Philip stared back at her sharing her sense of odd timing. Then he looked behind him and gave an annoyed stare to his lunchtime crowd. The second look was not lost on Nancy. “Oh no!” Nancy exclaimed. “Did they tell you that you should ask me to the dance!” And she ran over to scold Philip’s lunchtime friends.
Lastly, Philip’s lunchtime crowd convinced Philip to finally ask out Erica. And so, Philip managed to pull together his courage and asked her out. It was exactly four months to the day after he had first danced with Erica. She gave him a disappointed look. “I like someone else,” was all she said in reply. He told nobody about the exchange. And it turned out she told nobody either because the next day Philip’s lunchtime crowd continued to push Philip to ask out Erica. He decided to leave them in the dark.
For me, I am glad Philip has gotten close to Renee and her crowd, and that Philip is someone his classmates admire. And I am especially glad Philip finally asked out Erica. I am especially glad for two reasons. First, if he was brave enough to ask out Erica, he will never be intimidated from pursuing someone. And second—now that Erica has turned him down—Philip’s heart is free to look elsewhere. I am anticipating not only a better match, but also someone more deserving.
I saw Renee again last Friday when I dropped off Philip for a weekend teen snow trip. Renee and Philip had arrived at roughly the same time. Both had snowboards rather than skis, and both were submitting their health release forms and final payments at one end of the parking lot, while I carried half of Philip’s baggage to the bus at the other end of the parking lot. After I gave Philip’s final bag to the bus driver, I turned away and saw Philip and Renee stepping away from the group of registrants at the same time. Philip was now just slightly taller than Renee. Their body language spoke volumes. It did not contain affection. (That would have really surprised me.) But their heads were down and they were walking in unison as close as two teens could walk together without actually touching. What I saw was trust and mutual respect. Philip and Renee were sharing a conversation that was meant to be just between the two of them. The two were probably completely unaware of their shared body language. They walked all the way from one end of the parking lot to the other like that until they stepped onto the bus together. It was another situation where I didn’t mind not getting a goodbye.
Renee’s crowd was not the only group of teens in which Philip’s social standing had been advancing. As the school year progressed, Philip moved away from Tim and his crowd, and had instead enjoyed lunches with other freshmen. Philip’s newer lunchtime crowd has been mostly guys, and these guys seem to gain particular enjoyment watching Philip watching Philip interact with girls. Philip’s new crowd seemed to notice every signal Erica was sending to Philip. And they began pushing Philip to ask Erica out. But they had other designs as well.
One of the guys, Marty, wanted help meeting girls. So Philip joined Marty during lunch one day and asked two freshman girls if they could sit with them. The two girls quickly agreed and the four enjoyed a nice lunch together. But the next day Philip saw Marty talking with the same two girls at the beginning of lunch. As Philip approached to join them, the two girls walked away from Marty. “What happened?” Philip asked Marty.
“Well,” Marty answered. “It seems they BOTH have a crush on YOU.”
“Are you sure?” Philip laughed.
“Yes. I am ABSOLUTELY certain,” Marty answered with only a small degree of annoyance.
When one girl, Nancy, had confided with some of Philip’s lunchtime friends that she would really like to have a date for the Winter Formal, Marty and Philip’s other lunchtime friends began to push Philip to ask Nancy to the dance. And so only minutes later, Philip fearlessly asked Nancy to the dance, “That’s ironic,” she stared at Philip. “Somebody else just asked me to the dance less than five minutes ago and I told him yes.” It was a kind let-down. Philip stared back at her sharing her sense of odd timing. Then he looked behind him and gave an annoyed stare to his lunchtime crowd. The second look was not lost on Nancy. “Oh no!” Nancy exclaimed. “Did they tell you that you should ask me to the dance!” And she ran over to scold Philip’s lunchtime friends.
Lastly, Philip’s lunchtime crowd convinced Philip to finally ask out Erica. And so, Philip managed to pull together his courage and asked her out. It was exactly four months to the day after he had first danced with Erica. She gave him a disappointed look. “I like someone else,” was all she said in reply. He told nobody about the exchange. And it turned out she told nobody either because the next day Philip’s lunchtime crowd continued to push Philip to ask out Erica. He decided to leave them in the dark.
For me, I am glad Philip has gotten close to Renee and her crowd, and that Philip is someone his classmates admire. And I am especially glad Philip finally asked out Erica. I am especially glad for two reasons. First, if he was brave enough to ask out Erica, he will never be intimidated from pursuing someone. And second—now that Erica has turned him down—Philip’s heart is free to look elsewhere. I am anticipating not only a better match, but also someone more deserving.
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Truly Best Performance in My Eyes
Business trips are a necessary evil in my life these days. They take me to a completely different world. And the longer the business trip is, the more I notice the contrast between those two worlds. I live alone as opposed to with my family. I sleep in a small hotel room in a palace-like urban setting as opposed to a medium-sized house in a suburban upper-middle class development. The people I socialize with are business contacts rather than friends. The food is different. The drinking water is different. The climate is different. The soap, shampoo and water pressure are different. The mattress, pillows and bedding are different. The vehicle is different. And it may be a taxi driver or a colleague at the wheel. I’m even wearing different clothes: The wrinkle resistant business attire.
On my most recent business trip, I was gone for three nights. It was the annual sales conference for my company’s largest business partner, a $500 million software company. The conference was at a large hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. I cannot think of a city that is more different than Hermes.
On the second night of the conference, my manager and I were given second row seats to the most beautiful, creative and opulent live performance I have ever had the privilege to witness. It was LOVE, Cirque du Soleil's celebration of the music and artistic themes of The Beatles. It featured a large cast of acrobats, dancers, mimes and stunt professionals from age eight to age sixty-eight. No expense was spared in props, costumes, lighting, giant-screen video and other live effects. Even the seating was first rate. The cast looked like they were having fun as they danced and pranced with seemingly reckless abandon. And they knew they were great, especially the kids. My eyes were moist during Yesterday and Hey Jude. All of us in the audience were mesmerized. Over the course of the evening we became the lovely audience the cast would love to take home with them.
The sharp contrast to the jewel of Las Vegas’ live performances came the following Saturday. I had to get out of bed early that morning because Chloe’s basketball game began at 9:00 AM and she needed to be there at least twenty minutes early to practice. Cold Hermes rain fell to deliberately remind me I was no longer in the Nevada desert. The basketball game was held in the gymnasium at Hermes Middles School. The roof was leaking above us as we sat on cold concrete indoor bleachers that were constructed with Franklin Roosevelt’s New Deal funding. Amelia and I brought a picnic blanket to put between ourselves and the ice cold concrete.
It was the second game of the season and Chloe was just beginning to remember all I had taught her the previous season. Additionally, she had learned plenty of new skills from the two coaches who were managing this year’s team. Chloe played in the second and third quarter. She handled the ball well, dribbling with focused caution and passing whenever there was either a serious threat or a promising opportunity. But the big moment came in the third quarter. Chloe managed to evade a less experienced defender and positioned herself perhaps five feet to the front and right of the net. Her teammate had the presence of mind to deliver a quick and perfect pass. Chloe caught the ball, took one step forward and shot.
The ball hit the back board and landed onto the rim where it began to orbit the net once, twice and almost a full third time before it finally delivered two points for Chloe. Cheers broke the breath-holding silence. The cold room full of parents was such a lovely audience I wanted to take them home with us as Goo-goo-gajoob repeated inside my head and I watched eight girls run like pigs from a gun to the other side of the court as the referee gave the other team control of the ball. My eyes were moist again as the song in my head reached the words, I’m crying complete with Paul McCartney’s famous Liverpool accent.
I have many vivid memories from the beautiful performance in Las Vegas. But none is as lucid as the pass, the step, the shot, the ball orbiting the net, and finally Chloe’s first score of the season. My ticket to the Las Vegas performance cost my business partner over one hundred fifty dollars. But there was no charge to watch Chloe’s basketball game. Despite the cold concrete, the best things in life really are free.
On my most recent business trip, I was gone for three nights. It was the annual sales conference for my company’s largest business partner, a $500 million software company. The conference was at a large hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. I cannot think of a city that is more different than Hermes.
On the second night of the conference, my manager and I were given second row seats to the most beautiful, creative and opulent live performance I have ever had the privilege to witness. It was LOVE, Cirque du Soleil's celebration of the music and artistic themes of The Beatles. It featured a large cast of acrobats, dancers, mimes and stunt professionals from age eight to age sixty-eight. No expense was spared in props, costumes, lighting, giant-screen video and other live effects. Even the seating was first rate. The cast looked like they were having fun as they danced and pranced with seemingly reckless abandon. And they knew they were great, especially the kids. My eyes were moist during Yesterday and Hey Jude. All of us in the audience were mesmerized. Over the course of the evening we became the lovely audience the cast would love to take home with them.
The sharp contrast to the jewel of Las Vegas’ live performances came the following Saturday. I had to get out of bed early that morning because Chloe’s basketball game began at 9:00 AM and she needed to be there at least twenty minutes early to practice. Cold Hermes rain fell to deliberately remind me I was no longer in the Nevada desert. The basketball game was held in the gymnasium at Hermes Middles School. The roof was leaking above us as we sat on cold concrete indoor bleachers that were constructed with Franklin Roosevelt’s New Deal funding. Amelia and I brought a picnic blanket to put between ourselves and the ice cold concrete.
It was the second game of the season and Chloe was just beginning to remember all I had taught her the previous season. Additionally, she had learned plenty of new skills from the two coaches who were managing this year’s team. Chloe played in the second and third quarter. She handled the ball well, dribbling with focused caution and passing whenever there was either a serious threat or a promising opportunity. But the big moment came in the third quarter. Chloe managed to evade a less experienced defender and positioned herself perhaps five feet to the front and right of the net. Her teammate had the presence of mind to deliver a quick and perfect pass. Chloe caught the ball, took one step forward and shot.
The ball hit the back board and landed onto the rim where it began to orbit the net once, twice and almost a full third time before it finally delivered two points for Chloe. Cheers broke the breath-holding silence. The cold room full of parents was such a lovely audience I wanted to take them home with us as Goo-goo-gajoob repeated inside my head and I watched eight girls run like pigs from a gun to the other side of the court as the referee gave the other team control of the ball. My eyes were moist again as the song in my head reached the words, I’m crying complete with Paul McCartney’s famous Liverpool accent.
I have many vivid memories from the beautiful performance in Las Vegas. But none is as lucid as the pass, the step, the shot, the ball orbiting the net, and finally Chloe’s first score of the season. My ticket to the Las Vegas performance cost my business partner over one hundred fifty dollars. But there was no charge to watch Chloe’s basketball game. Despite the cold concrete, the best things in life really are free.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Bold Moves - Little Result
It would be nice if Philip could speak openly enough with Erica to suggest taking some time to get to know one another better and be prepared for whatever her response. But such things are rare among young adolescents. Instead, they face a tough, highly-charged social environment. If an interested guy succeeds in getting a girl he knows to speak privately, he may only have a short window in which he must boldly ask her out. While girls sometimes ask out guys, they usually do something subtle with the hope of getting a particular guy’s attention. Girls drop cautious hints. The hints always carry a comfortable degree of plausible deniability. If the girl were to be called out on her words or actions, she would have a valid excuse that had nothing to do with her having interest in the guy in question. The guys in turn seek opportunities to test the waters before they plunge forward asking a girl out. There is no more humiliating prospect to a young adolescent guy than asking out a girl and being rejected hands down. Young adolescents add complexity to this awkward dance by taking steps to evoke jealousy. Jealousy is the weapon of choice girls but also guys rely upon if the true interest is not behaving in a way that demonstrates a satisfactory level of interest. The goal is to force the other’s hand into some kind of action that demonstrates interest.
Shortly after Philip had resolved to ask Erica out, he was shocked to learn she had agreed to go to the Winter Formal with another guy, Aidan. Philip knew Aidan reasonably well. Aidan was tall, handsome and athletic. He was also one of the guys who constantly hovered close to Erica. Aidan and Erica were certainly friends. They had known one another for years. And as such, there had been plenty of time and interaction for Aidan to secure Erica as his girlfriend if she were willing. Despite his disappointment, Philip was reasonably certain Aidan was not a true competitor for Erica’s heart. But it didn’t keep Philip from feeling at least a little bit jealous. And perhaps that was Erica’s intention all along. If so, it was a bold move.
At the dance itself, Philip quickly confirmed Erica and Aidan had no developing romance. Erica was dancing with plenty of guys besides Aidan. Philip followed her example and likewise enjoyed dancing with multiple girls. Eventually, he danced with Erica. It was one of those semi-intimate hip-hop dances. Erica accepted. Philip came back and danced with Erica multiple times that evening but tried to be cautious about asking her to dance too often.
The final song of the evening was a dreamy slow dance. Philip had planned to skip this dance but then he saw Erica alone halfway through the final song. Where was Aidan? If you were my date for this dance Erica, Philip thought, I would not be missing in action during the final song of the evening. And then Philip made a bold move of his own and asked Erica to dance. It echoed back to the very first school dance of the year, during which the two had shared a dreamy extended embrace on the dance floor during the final song of the evening. But this was different. Even if Aidan was nowhere in sight, Erica had still agreed to be Aidan’s date. Everyone would see Erica dancing with someone other than Aidan during the final song. Erica stared back at Philip and answered slowly, “Uhhhhmm … I have … a date.” She smiled awkwardly and then walked away, presumably in search of Aidan. Philip turned around as well and found himself facing a cute, outgoing sophomore girl he had met in line heading into the dance. He asked the girl to dance and the two shared what was left of the final song of the evening. Perhaps Erica was bothered. Philip first underscored the fact that her date was absent at the end of the evening and then bounced back quickly and easily by slow dancing with another girl.
The day after the formal dance, Philip discovered Erica had unfriended him on Facebook. It was another bold move. Was it a prank Erica’s sister had played? If not, what was Erica doing? She could have been angry with Philip. Or she could have done it in a moment of jealousy. Or she could have done it to see how and how quickly Philip would respond. Either way, the gauntlet had been cast. Philip let Monday pass. But on Tuesday Philip made the bold move. He spoke to Erica about the matter, and she feigned ignorance. Erica wasn’t angry. And Philip had let her know he’d seen it only shortly after it had happened. The secret message she delivered was returned. Despite all the boldness, little was accomplished. And maybe that is the problem with making bold moves in high school.
Shortly after Philip had resolved to ask Erica out, he was shocked to learn she had agreed to go to the Winter Formal with another guy, Aidan. Philip knew Aidan reasonably well. Aidan was tall, handsome and athletic. He was also one of the guys who constantly hovered close to Erica. Aidan and Erica were certainly friends. They had known one another for years. And as such, there had been plenty of time and interaction for Aidan to secure Erica as his girlfriend if she were willing. Despite his disappointment, Philip was reasonably certain Aidan was not a true competitor for Erica’s heart. But it didn’t keep Philip from feeling at least a little bit jealous. And perhaps that was Erica’s intention all along. If so, it was a bold move.
At the dance itself, Philip quickly confirmed Erica and Aidan had no developing romance. Erica was dancing with plenty of guys besides Aidan. Philip followed her example and likewise enjoyed dancing with multiple girls. Eventually, he danced with Erica. It was one of those semi-intimate hip-hop dances. Erica accepted. Philip came back and danced with Erica multiple times that evening but tried to be cautious about asking her to dance too often.
The final song of the evening was a dreamy slow dance. Philip had planned to skip this dance but then he saw Erica alone halfway through the final song. Where was Aidan? If you were my date for this dance Erica, Philip thought, I would not be missing in action during the final song of the evening. And then Philip made a bold move of his own and asked Erica to dance. It echoed back to the very first school dance of the year, during which the two had shared a dreamy extended embrace on the dance floor during the final song of the evening. But this was different. Even if Aidan was nowhere in sight, Erica had still agreed to be Aidan’s date. Everyone would see Erica dancing with someone other than Aidan during the final song. Erica stared back at Philip and answered slowly, “Uhhhhmm … I have … a date.” She smiled awkwardly and then walked away, presumably in search of Aidan. Philip turned around as well and found himself facing a cute, outgoing sophomore girl he had met in line heading into the dance. He asked the girl to dance and the two shared what was left of the final song of the evening. Perhaps Erica was bothered. Philip first underscored the fact that her date was absent at the end of the evening and then bounced back quickly and easily by slow dancing with another girl.
The day after the formal dance, Philip discovered Erica had unfriended him on Facebook. It was another bold move. Was it a prank Erica’s sister had played? If not, what was Erica doing? She could have been angry with Philip. Or she could have done it in a moment of jealousy. Or she could have done it to see how and how quickly Philip would respond. Either way, the gauntlet had been cast. Philip let Monday pass. But on Tuesday Philip made the bold move. He spoke to Erica about the matter, and she feigned ignorance. Erica wasn’t angry. And Philip had let her know he’d seen it only shortly after it had happened. The secret message she delivered was returned. Despite all the boldness, little was accomplished. And maybe that is the problem with making bold moves in high school.
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