Breaking into the Circle

It had been over twenty-five years since I had taken part in a car wash fundraiser. But this past Saturday, I was the only parent who joined over fifteen teens and three twenty-something-aged high school coaches to spend an afternoon washing cars in exchange for donations.

Philip joined me. I was the oldest by at least ten years. (Philip was the youngest by at least ten weeks.) I took the hubcap cleaning brush and spent the afternoon in a squatting position brushing the tar off fifty plus vehicles' hubcaps. I intentionally stayed quiet and observed Philip’s emerging peer group and his slow progress breaking into the circle.

To make myself a little more welcome, I brought a cooler of sodas, two family sized bags of chips, paper plates and a small table—complete with tablecloth—to serve as a relief kiosk. And within half an hour, it seemed the high school kids were acting the same way they would act if I wasn’t there.

I was amazed at how easily I vanished into a state of there but not there as far as the teens were concerned. I could fully observe the dynamic to witness Philip cautiously navigate his way into the group. Most of the kids had been interacting with one another for most of the past academic year, if not longer. Some of the younger ones like Jocelyn remembered Philip from when they were in Middle School. But Philip was effectively arriving cold into a very cohesive pre-existing group.

Philip earned special attention by volunteering for rooftop duty on trucks, vans, minivans and SUVs. Being the lightest boy there, he was a very logical best choice for those jobs. After the first successful roof job, he was comfortable allowing himself to step into the boost-up from teenage guys nearly twice his weight and at least two years older. I thought it was good for him to carve out a niche for himself like that and it seemed to pay off in him getting to know his emerging peers quickly, especially the older guys.

Most of the girls at the fundraiser wanted the role of waving signs and flagging down traffic. But Jocelyn managed to seize the opportunity for herself and her cousin Danielle for the bulk of the afternoon. At one point, the backup was so thick, we recalled all advertisers except Jocelyn and Danielle. But when the lone lull in activity came upon us, one of Philip’s boosters shouted, “Jocelyn! Look what you did!”

“Yeah! Come over here and say that!” she quipped. The guy smiled, waved and turned his back to head for the relief kiosk. “Yeah! That’s what I thought you’d do, you chicken!” Jocelyn pushed before turning back to her sign waving.

Things got silly from time to time. Jocelyn’s older sister was a particular magnet for a handful of suds to the back of the head from one of the other older girls. But for the most part, the kids (as well as the adults) simply worked while quietly socializing. Some of the kids found ways to put different words to a popular tune to tell an amusing tale about washing cars. A few of the songs caught on enough that others joined in for the singing.

At one point, I became mildly concerned that one of the older girls was sounding at bit too patronizing toward Philip. “You’re doing a good job on the cars today, Philip,” she said just a little too frequently and a little too loudly. I considered saying something to her, but quickly decided to let it go. She was probably just trying to be nice and it was merely coming out a little off. When I asked Philip about it that evening, he said it didn’t bother him.

Philip’s made significant strides in getting to know the older teens. But in just one afternoon he did not go all the way from outsider to insider. Perhaps not yet inside would be the best way to describe what he achieved. Philip’s not yet inside status was most clear at the end of the afternoon. The fundraiser was over, and we’d earned over five hundred dollars. I was socializing comfortably with the other adults while I put away the relief kiosk. Under some shade the teens had formed a tight circle. They were casually talking and making cell phone calls to their parents to ensure their rides home would arrive soon. Philip was in the shade too, but the circle never opened up fully to let him inside. He stood behind and in between two people who had half-opened the circle. But to actually be a part of the circle, he would have needed to ostentatiously shove his way forward.

But he was not going to do something so bold this early. He knew he had plenty of time to be fully welcomed into the literal circle. Not yet inside was enough of an achievement that afternoon to satisfy my son Philip.