Philip’s sophomore Homecoming Dance is a rapidly fading memory. The next dance at Hermes High School is the Winter Formal. Besides the attire, the big difference between the Homecoming Dance and the Winter Formal is the number of people who go with a date. It is not quite the Prom, for which nearly everyone goes as a couple. But Winter Formal is the only other venue in which students who are not officially attached will go together as a couple.
That part of life is decades behind me, but I remember it well. As with many parts of my life long ago that Philip is now experiencing, I think I have learned some things since that time. For Philip’s sake and for the sake of any reader willing to heed my words, here is what I have to say about scoring a fantastic date for the Winter Formal.
Ask someone. You might have more fun going alone, but you will certainly have fonder memories if you go with someone. Additionally, this is a great opportunity to overcome your fear so that by the time the Prom rolls along, you will have overcome your fear of asking a girl to be your date for a dance.
Ask someone deserving. Trust me. Most high school girls are eager to have a decent, respectable guy take them to the Formal. Assuming you fit this description, having you as a date will be a prize for you to award. Who has earned that prize? Whose past treatment of you in other situations shows she will treat you well as her date, and if she does turn down your offer, will make sure your dignity is preserved? From what I can tell, Philip knows several deserving girls as well as several undeserving girls.
Ask someone who will appreciate going with you. It is not enough for the girl to deserve a nice respectable guy like you. She should be someone who would really appreciate having you as her date. Philip knows several older girls who have always treated him well and with respect, including Jocelyn, Charlotte and Lauren. But Philip would probably think twice before asking any one of these older friends because in most cases a guy might appreciate having a younger girl for a date, but very few girls would appreciate having a younger guy for a date.
Ask someone who can handle going with you as her date. An additional quality is a mixture of social confidence and maturity. While most girls are eager to have a decent, respectable guy as a date for the Formal, many girls—especially the younger ones—cannot handle having a date. From what I have observed from a distance, Vienna could be described as both deserving and capable of appreciating Philip as her date for the Formal. But Vienna may not be able handle it. And that is something Philip would think about seriously before he would ever ask Vienna to the Formal.
Consider asking a friend from another school. There are advantages and disadvantages to asking a girl from another school. Unless she formerly attended your school or a school in your district, she is an unknown figure in your school’s social environment. She would be your beautiful date from afar and she would be committed to your agenda for the evening. She might also have a Formal at her school on another evening which means you might get two fun evenings out of the arrangement, instead of just one. The disadvantage is she will be nervous. She might surprise you by how afraid she is of the idea of going to another school’s event. She also might want to bring a friend along in order to be comfortable. Having a wingman to go as her friend’s date is discussed below.
Do your homework before asking. In short, if you don’t even bother to read her Facebook page, you risk looking extremely stupid if it turns out she is not available because she has already made separate plans, has a new boyfriend or is grounded for that weekend. Make sure you know what she has made public. If she has kept something a secret or not had time to make it public, you will obviously not look stupid for not knowing such things.
Ask early. The closer one gets to the day of the dance, the more likely it is she will make other plans or get asked by someone else. She may make plans with a bunch of other girls who do not have dates. If you ask her early, she can enjoy the satisfaction of having her date lined up long before everyone else, and so can you.
Have a wingman. You will improve your chances greatly if you are in a position to pair her friend off with a friend of yours. It means she not only gets to have a nice guy for her date, but she still gets to go with her friend. Going as a group of four or more can be particularly fun. It creates a fantastic environment for taking photographs before the dance as well.
Be willing to go as her friend’s date. No matter how early you ask, she might still have a date already lined up. Alternatively, if you ask her early, she may pair off with a boyfriend between the asking and the actual dance. In these situations, tell her you are happy for her and then ask her if she would like to pair you off with one of her friends so the four of you could go together. If nothing else, this is a great way to recover in this otherwise awkward situation.
Suggest shopping together. She will have a lot of fun coordinating your outfits. She may or may not want you along when she goes shopping for her dress. Sometimes dress-shopping is a “girls only” event. But she would almost certainly enjoy helping you pick out your formal attire, even if it is only going shopping for a tie that would coordinate with her dress.
Take the time to agree upon expectations and details. Referencing an earlier point, if a girl cannot handle this you should not ask her to be your date in the first place. You can do this by trading text messages, talking on the phone, meeting for coffee or simply chatting during lunch breaks at school. But have the conversation and make sure you both know and agree upon what you expect from one another. It is amazing how many assumptions (especially assumptions made by a teenager) end up being wrong. Most important will be how often you will be dancing together and how often you will be dancing with other friends. At minimum, you should enjoy the first and last dance together. And you will need to agree on a spot to meet when the last dance starts so you can find one another. Other things you will need to discuss are things like transportation, when you plan to arrive, if you will be going alone or with a group, and whether there will be dinner and/or photos before the dance.
Engage her parents before they engage you. Once you have agreed to go to the dance together, it is never too early to engage her parents. Conversely, once she tells you that one or both of her parents want to talk to you, you are too late. Tell her early you want to have at least a quick chat with her mother, father or other legal guardian and ask her to tell you when and how she would like that to happen. During the conversation you need to find out two things. First, you want to know what their rules and expectations are and you want to give them your word that you will stick with those. Second you want to know how to contact them during the evening of the dance in the unlikely event of an emergency. Likewise, she should have emergency contact information for your family.
Get her a nice corsage or boutonniere. While these are required for the Prom, they make an excellent gift for the Formal. The color scheme will need to go well with her dress. You’ll also need to know her well enough to know whether to surprise her or talk to her about it in advance. This is something about which her mother could advise you, and is another reason to engage her parents early.
Make sure she has a great time. While this should go without saying, it requires a subtle change in attitude. By simply being attentive and watching her and her mood throughout the evening, you will improve her enjoyment of the evening. If she is suddenly alone and you show up to ask her to dance, it will be one of many perfect moments.
It is your job to rescue her from any creepy guys. You cannot patronize her with your behavior. But if a guy is dancing with her too close, too often or too rudely and she looks uncomfortable, you can show up and displace him.
Tell her you had a great time and thank her for it. This is the last thing you should say and do before you say good night. Say it well, and you will have made the entire evening a success.
Table any romantic interest for another day after the dance. If things between you are going well, the idea of taking your friendship to the next level might be very appealing. No matter how happy and comfortable she seems, do not risk ruining the evening by trying to ignite a romance before or during the evening of the dance. But once the morning after the dance arrives, you are free to go for it if you are indeed still interested. If her signals have been favorable, you stand a very good chance.
Today, Philip is undecided if he will ask someone and if so, who. But I suppose that story deserves its own post anyway.
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