Life Reflected

Post #135: This Blog is Growing Up with my Family

2012-05-31T22:50:00.001-07:00

Just under a year ago, I posted my one hundredth blog entry and celebrated the accomplishment with a summary description of what this blog has been about and what I intended the blog to be about going forward. For forty-four months including this month, I have been committed to delivering three posts each month. They chronicled the most interesting things I observed as a parent and the kinds of things I was thinking about as a parent. Three posts per month worked for a long time. But I have come to the conclusion that time has ended.

With Philip and his peers maturing rapidly and my parenting role in Philip’s life waning, I anticipate less original and meaningful thought to emerge. To continue with three posts per month would risk either repetition or lower quality. Instead, the lever to press to bring things back into equilibrium is the volume lever. Beginning next month, I plan to deliver only two posts per month.

The years ahead will chronicle Philip finishing high school, entering and completing college. Chloe will finish middle school and high school and will depart for college. My commitment to a ten year blog still stands.

It is becoming clear to me that Chloe’s experience as a girl will be vastly different from her brother’s experience. Likewise, Chloe is simply her own person who happens to be very unlike her brother. While Philip’s senior year of high school and college years will no-doubt generate material worth chronicling, the focus of this blog will shift to Chloe going through adolescence. Her thirteenth birthday is just a few weeks away. She’s experienced a full year of middle school and seen her body deliver signs she is developing into a woman. The social dynamics in Chloe’s life also continue to develop. School is important to Chloe but her closest friendships are what occupy most of her attention.

As a parent, the shift from primarily concerning myself with a boy adolescent to a girl adolescent has already begun. It seems the more difficult job—at least for me as a father. I’m glad I had Philip first to prepare me. The adventure continues!

Selecting and Targeting the College Long-Shot

2012-05-31T21:52:00.000-07:00

Less than two weeks remain of Philip’s junior year at Hermes High School. We now have the scores from his first attempt at the SATs and finals will quickly establish his grades and grade point average going into any early notification college application process.

While Philip is correctly focused on the home stretch of his junior year, I have been quietly compiling data on colleges. Amelia and I are pleased to see that Philip’s SAT scores came in high enough that he can be reasonably certain about getting into Sierra State University, so long as he does not screw up and delivers a well-assembled application early in the admissions cycle.

The first big action item for Philip in the early part of summer will be to select his long-shot — the dream college just barely within his reach that will require his absolute dedication, including taking advantage of the school’s most favorable early-notification program in order to gain admittance. I had the privilege of getting into my long-shot years ago. My grades were quite acceptable but my test scores were far below the school’s published statistics. I had done a few interesting things that found their way into my application essays. But if I had to name one thing that made the difference, it was completing and mailing my “Early Decision” application before the month of September was over. On top of that I did everything else I could reasonably do to show my interest and dedication. I took full advantage of campus visitation opportunities, including staying overnight in a dormitory with student volunteers from the school’s admissions office.

Unlike other days that might be candidates for my happiest, getting into my first choice college holds a special place because it was the least certain. We had nine months of pregnancy before each child was born with check-ups to confirm the health of Philip and Chloe long before their births. I’d known Amelia for years long before the day she agreed to marry me. Our wedding and honeymoon were likewise planned and followed expectations. But getting into my first choice college was not guaranteed. In fact, since it was a long-shot, it was actually more unlikely than likely in my mind at the time.

That said, plenty of high school seniors win a place at their first choice college. Philip does not need to be any different. When I surveyed the students who did not win admission into their first choice college back when I was applying, the most common theme was simply taking too long to select a first choice college. The second most common theme was the desire the rack up “trophy” college acceptance letters from competitive schools. And the final theme was submitting the applications as close to the deadline as possible.

Very few of my peers had simply aimed too high with their long-shot. But among the handful who did aim too high, none of them slacked with their applications to second and third choice schools and were normally quite satisfied with their admissions outcome.

The summer before the big college application push was an exciting time to think about life and to think about what I truly wanted out of the college years. It could be stressful at times but for the most part it became its own fond memory. Like me at that age, Philip enjoys taking a private walk to unwind and reflect. For me as his father, I know that it is now more about what I had instilled into him over the last seventeen years and has very little to do with what I can instill into him in the mere months that remain. As a parent, I certainly find it scary. But I would be more frightened by just about any other alternative.

The Angry Divorced Father

2012-05-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

In the Lacrosse Semi-Finals, Hermes faced Conquistador at the Cabrillo High School Stadium. Volunteers at the gate ensured there was a price for admission to keep up funding for the best high school stadium in the County.

I’m already looking forward to seeing Hermes face Conquistador next year. The team has a fantastic new coach as well as several great players who I once coached when they were tweens. Lastly, Philip’s friend Carson (who wasn’t eligible to play this season) will be back in gear as one of Conquistador’s top players. With this year’s game, we knew Hermes would slaughter Conquistador. Next year—with more than two thirds of the top players from Hermes graduating in a few weeks—will be a very different match-up.

As usual, parents clustered together in the stadium seating according to the team they supported. Hermes was on the left and Conquistador was on the right. But there are always exceptions. From behind me I could hear a very loud Conquistador fan cheering on his son’s team. But as the Hermes scores piled on while Conquistador remained scoreless, his volume increased and his tone deteriorated.

As one brave Conquistador player I had once coached took control of the ball and headed toward the Hermes goal, he took two particularly hard but legal hits first from Bruce and then from Bruce’s younger brother Richey but skillfully managed to keep control of the ball. The frustrated fan behind me howled, “C’mon Ref’ … aren’t you gonna call a foul there!”

I spoke up from what I guessed were six or seven rows ahead of him. “Nope. Those were actually legal hits.” But I spoke too soon as a third hit from a two hundred, seventy pound first year Hermes player recruited from the football team’s Defensive line slammed into the ball-holder and earned Hermes a penalty.

“Bullshit!” screamed the angry fan behind me and I felt a pang of guilt for own tongue. So I decided to walk back several rows and make a new friend. The angry fan turned out to be watching the game from outside the stadium with his fingers clutching the chain-link fence about two feet apart a few inches above his head.

“Looks like this game is gonna be a blow-out but this years coach at Conquistador is doing a really good job with the team. They are going to be quite a force next year. Which player are you here watching?”

My strategy worked. The man was grinning and happy to engage. “I think you’re right. This is going to be a really strong team next year. My boy is number thirty-four … freshman … he’s on the bench. It’s his first year playing and he loves this game.” We talked for several minutes enjoying the game. I talked about the players I had once coached who were now top players on the Conquistador team and how happy it made me to see them playing so well against Hermes. About mid-way through our chat, my new friend was particularly surprised to realize I was a Hermes parent, not a Conquistador parent but he recovered quickly.

I had my own surprise not long after as I realized I was befriending not just an angry man but probably a violent man. He casually mentioned that he had “almost gotten into a brawl” with one of the referees in the previous day’s Conquistador game when they had faced Santa Carla. I had initially thought he was standing outside the chain-link fence to save himself from paying the particularly high gate fee and had even teased him about it. But his words made me wonder if he had either been kicked out of the stadium or needed to honor a restraining order regarding his son’s mother.

As he talked about his son, there was both great pride and great sadness. The boy lived primarily with his mother and the divorce was a non-amicable. The promising Conquistador freshman was the man’s only child. The boy was a good athlete, a good student and well-liked. A group of the boy’s friends had convinced him to join the lacrosse team. But the boy did not say much to his father lately. Teenage boys become more private. I had the same experience with Philip when he entered the teenage years. I observed more than my son told me. But from time to time Philip becomes animated at home and shares even his wildest thoughts with his mother and I from the comfort and safety of our family room.

My new friend did not have those family room experiences. The divorce hurt in so many ways and there would be memories he would never get to enjoy as a result. I don’t know how he became an angry man. I suspect it pre-dated the divorce. There’s a counterfeit manliness about a young man’s anger. It has attracted young women for millennia. But if that youthful anger does not get channeled into mature drive, an angry middle-aged man is an ever-threatening ogre in an unhappy home. Divorced within the last two years, my new friend had some sense of ownership regarding his situation but he certainly had not turned himself around in any material way. His anger could have been genetics, generational or consequential. No matter what the source, it was the reason behind his greatest loss.

My new friend clung to what little he had left the way he clung to the chain-link fence. He showed up for his son’s games and watch from a distance. In the end I saw him drive off on a motorcycle that looked like it should be driven by someone ten years younger. He waved at me and I waved back. I knew I’d be seeing him again at next year’s opening game against Conquistador.

It is Hard to Make Firm Plans With Middle Schoolers

2012-04-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

Heather is progressively becoming a better friend to Chloe. Before the most recent Middle School dance this past Friday, Stephanie invited Chloe, Heather and just one other girl to put on makeup. Heather was also a Patty’s sleepover birthday party in December and Chloe’s Halloween party. But just a little over two weeks ago, a casual observer might have concluded that Chloe would never want to speak with Heather ever again.

The prior week Chloe came home to tell us that she and Heather would be working on a joint assignment together and that Heather would be coming over on Sunday afternoon. We asked Chloe if we could speak with Heather’s parents to work out the details but when Chloe called the family’s one telephone nobody answered. From time to time, we would remember to ask Chloe to connect us with Heather’s parents but the same result happened with regularity. Chloe showed no signs of concern until Sunday morning. After two unsuccessful attempts to reach Heather on a phone that had no voice mail, Chloe began to panic. By the early afternoon Chloe was in tears. We did not reach Heather’s family until late Sunday evening.

Heather’s mother spoke with Amelia. Amelia was bothered while Heather’s mother did not sound very concerned. Heather lives at the end of a steep, winding dirt road far from the center of town. Nobody in the family has a mobile telephone and the one telephone they have does not have an answering machine. In short, Heather’s family prefer to be out of touch from everyone else.

In contrast, Heather has strong-felt social ambitions. She relished each opportunity to attend a girl-party and is openly eager with Chloe and others about wanting to get a boyfriend. But when Heather woke up sick three Sunday’s ago, her mother was content to let Heather go back to sleep and unplug the telephone so Heather would not be disturbed. There was no thought regarding Heather’s promises to Chloe or anyone else. The plans had not been nailed down. And between Chloe’s reluctance to nail things down the prior week and the casually unplugged telephone on Sunday, Heather and Chloe never connected and Chloe was distraught.

It was a challenge we had been telling Chloe about Middle School for years. But that did not make it hurt any less. Middle-school kids greatly want to receive the benefits of friendship but are woefully lacking in their ability to give the benefits of friendship. Chloe was counting upon someone who wasn’t mature enough to be counted-upon.

On the phone with Heather’s mother, Amelia worked out the details for the two to do their joint project Monday afternoon. Amelia also established ground rules for communicating going forward. Middle school kids tend not to take on ethics they don’t get from their parents. If parents do not follow up, the kids certainly won’t. It is difficult for Chloe to imagine growing up with parents who do not instill the values we instill. And when she is a victim of another family’s non-embracing of our values it cuts particularly deep.

But Chloe recovered quickly. On Monday, Heather was over at our house with the warm smile and laughs that Chloe enjoys. Heather did not quite understand how much Chloe had been hurt, and we had prepared Chloe well not to press the issue with Heather. After only a few minutes of interaction, Chloe was able to behave the we she always had toward Heather. By the time I returned home that day, the two were relaxing on our coach watching a teen drama together. This crisis was over. But more will certainly come.

Important but Not Central

2012-04-30T21:46:00.000-07:00

With Philip, a whole bunch of things are happening at once. In addition to his junior year of high school being filled with all sorts of important near-year-end tests and assignments, he needs to think about his lacrosse team, Prom, his driving test, the SATs, visiting colleges and completing the volunteer hours he will need to officially log with the school in order to graduate.

While Philip has his day-to-day activities reasonably well organized, the aspects of life that come with less regularity are proving difficult. The fact is, I am the same way. I file for extensions on my income taxes and let my work expense reports go until the last possible day. And while I am committed to making three blog posts per month, they tend to get packed in at the end of each month.

I would like to say it is a developmental thing but I would only be partially correct. The other half of the story is that the older one gets, the more responsibilities he or she must shoulder. I have had decades of adulthood to get accustomed to multiple responsibilities. Philip is not quite an adult yet—at least when one doesn’t pay attention to his height.

As a parent I do not want to add to Philip’s stress but I don’t want to see him crash or miss out on life. With his driver’s test I have patiently taken him down to take his test multiple times, even though I know he has done only a token amount of studying. At the end he quietly informs me he did not pass. I can tell he is eager to drive and frustrated that he didn’t pass. He knows he should have studied more. He does not need me berating him for failing the driver’s test again.

But how does one choose between the responsibilities to let him carry all on his own and which to push the way I might have when he was five years younger? It is not an easy question to answer. And his mother and I do not always agree. On the flip side, we are both committed to bearing with him when the weight of what he knows is important crashes in on him. We’ve had decades to learn how to deal with adult-level stress. Philip is just at the beginning.

For the most part, I think Amelia and I have been rather well balanced. But in one area I have intentionally chosen to get off balance. That is Prom. Why Prom? It happens twice in life: The Junior Prom and the Senior Prom. Juniors celebrate the end of being underclassmen. Seniors celebrate the end of high school. People dress up, pair up and take pictures that will be memories forever. As an adult my Proms are particularly fond memories. But Philip was comfortable skipping Prom until I told him it was one of the few last things I would ask of him before he went to college.

Prom is coming up in mid-May but I let him know my expectations before the end of March. As I kept reminding him in early April, he retorted that he had plenty of time to get a date and make his arrangements. Once Philip came to terms with the fact that I was serious and time was running out. It was endearing to watch him contemplate just who to ask. There were a number of girls who had boyfriends and another group of girls who were asked around the time I had hoped Philip would take action. But true to form, Philip made his decision at what he deemed to be the last possible day. He was then surprised to learn how difficult it was to find the girl he wanted to ask when neither he nor she was rushing off to class or another activity. The cute stuffed animal, intended as a Prom gift for her is getting a little squished in his backpack. We hurried to rent a tuxedo this past weekend and have hoped she has found herself a dress but not a date.

On Monday, Philip sought her out at lunch, only to be pulled into a mandatory meeting with his Honors program before he could speak to her. At the end of school, he had to head off to his most recent drivers’ test which he then failed. It all looks like the kind of comedy Shakespeare would compose as a made-for-television teen drama if the playwright were alive today. And that gives me that extra confidence I need to know it will all work out in the end. But ask me how I feel after we get his SAT results.

On College and College Visit Road Trips

2012-04-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

A year ago, during Philip’s sophomore year, I took Philip on a tour of the local state university that is less than a half hour’s drive from our home. It has a beautiful campus, and has a respected biotechnology program which is Philip’s intended field of study. But the visit had only a small impact. This month, we have taken Philip to visit two schools a more substantial drive away. Between age and distance, we observed a much greater impact.

The first school we visited was Rockford University. Philip discovered Rockford back in September when he went to a college fair with other students from the Honors Program at Hermes High School. Rockford is a small, well-endowed private university. The vast majority of students are undergraduates. At the college fair, Rockford’s recruiter had done a fantastic job compared to his competitors. The school had a merit scholarship program that would bring costs down to within striking distance of a state university. And while there is no Biotechnology major, Biology majors at Rockford have a lot of freedom to customize their program. Additionally, the Biology department has made significant inroads for internships with local pharmaceutical and biotechnology firms. The small size and low graduate population gives the most promising undergraduates the opportunity to take part in their professors’ research. Last but not least, Rockford has a great lacrosse team. The campus visit further improved Philip’s assessment of Rockford. The campus had beautifully manicured lawns and gardens, along with interesting architecture. The students were friendly and while they looked serious, there did not seem to be a lot of anxiety.

Despite all the positive signals, I had some serious reservations about Rockford. The school was not terribly competitive when looking at GPA and SAT ranges. With Philip’s grades and PSAT scores, we did not see any difficulty securing the full merit scholarship that would bring costs down to almost state university rates. I tried to be open-minded. Philip would have a chance to carve out his own path at Rockford. One professor’s research looked particularly interesting. But at the end of the day, I felt the school lacked the resources that would be found at a larger state university. In the end, it would be Philip’s decision. But that did not prevent me from having my own hopes.

The second school we visited was Sierra State University. Sierra had scheduled a “high school” day with the dual purpose of attracting this year’s juniors to apply and this year’s accepted seniors to matriculate. Cars were ushered into a single large parking garage so that everyone entered to be met by the school’s marching band, playing their version of popular music. The main thoroughfare on campus was lined with scores of booths representing each of the school’s clubs, which included just about everything imaginable. We stopped at the Asian Culture booth to purchase some curly-fries to hold us over until lunch. The two girls monitoring the booth engaged Philip in conversation while Amelia and I ordered the fries. While we learned that the proceeds from the curly fries would be sponsoring the upcoming Festival of Lanterns, Philip learned that one of the girls there was a biotechnology major and the two spent the next five minutes chatting while the other girl broke away to promote the booth’s curly-fries to passers-by.

Sierra’s size not only permitted a solid biotechnology program with over one hundred undergraduates, but also other benefits. There more class choices, more research opportunities and simply more going on at any given time. While the campus was a bit stark when compared to Rockford, Philip didn’t notice. Toward the end of the day, we took a tour of the biotechnology program and met two students in their third year of the program. A volunteer program that let students build customized accessibility aids for disabled teenagers captured both Philip’s heart and his ambition.

Before leaving Sierra to head home, we walked to the school’s equivalent of downtown that included two banks, a coffee shop and various eating options. We settled at a place that offered soup and sandwiches. For Philip, the choice was clear. He liked Rockford but he loved Sierra. His motivation to earn top grades and prepare well for the SATs visibly increased as he considered Sierra’s competitive admissions statistics. As we headed back to the car, I could see Philip walking differently. The near term goal seemed tangible and within his grasp. Only a little more than a year of high school was left. And an adventure lay ahead.

* Like all posts to this blog, the names of people and places have been changed to maintain anonymity.

A Good Captain Makes a Good Team

2012-03-31T22:27:00.005-07:00

This Year Hermes High School’s Lacrosse Coach named four Seniors as Team Captains, including Conrad and Bruce. Over the years I have watched these boys on Philip’s Team grow up. It has been nice watching Bruce grow from being the star player to being a true leader. But the beacon of great leadership on the team this year is unquestionably Conrad.

School budgets are tight in Hermes and around the state. Each family already needs to contribute a lot just so the boys can play. Unlike the football team, there are no buses to take the kids to games and rules intended to protect the players disallow players from driving themselves to or from the games. As such, it was a huge blow when the team lost access to a driver that had a nine seat van.

I had already noticed Conrad stepping up. The other Captains were happy to have the title alone. But Conrad somehow had the maturity to take the responsibility that came along with it. Whenever the coach got pulled away, Conrad would take command and keep his team practicing. The loss of the van was a blow Conrad recognized for its potential impact, so he called a team meeting after school on a day the team did not have a scheduled practice. I arrived fifteen minutes into the half hour meeting and stood a comfortable distance behind the players and simply observed.

There was a two foot high wall between a wide, paved walkway and a small field of grass. Conrad and the other Captains were standing on the wall facing the players. Bruce and the other Captains would chime in from time to time, but Conrad was clearly running the meeting. The primary issue was clear. With the loss of the van and no money for busing more parents were needed to drive. Each player needed to go home and make the need known.

As things were winding down but not yet done, one of the players started to walk away. Conrad had no tolerance “Hey Todd Brown! Did I say this meeting was over Todd Brown? Did any of your Captains standing up here say the meeting was over Todd Brown? Because I know you weren’t actually leaving, were you Todd Brown? Before anyone is dismissed, Bruce has some things to discuss with the Offensive team and I have some things to discuss with the Defensive team. So it is going to be another ten minutes Todd Brown if you want to keep playing Varsity Todd Brown. You’re also going to need to convince one of your parents to drive to games Todd Brown, because you are at the bottom of the list to catch a ride from anyone else!” Todd and his teammates were silent. The other Captains stared at Todd and grinned as Conrad gave him his dressing down. It was an excellent display of leadership. But at the next game, Conrad proved his leadership was more than just words.

It was a Friday evening away game under the lights at South County High School, arguably the toughest school in the County. As I arrived with Philip for the game, I mused as I walked past a classroom with a large sign above the door that said Teen Mothers Program.

For the most part Hermes was doing well, mainly as a function of coordinated teamwork. The ball moved from player to player until one player saw the opportunity to exploit a clear shot but even then the player with the clear shot might do a fake to distract the goalie to make one last pass to yet another player. We could see the South County players getting frustrated. Eventually, one of the South County players took out his frustration on the thinnest midfielder, my son Philip. Philip fell but got right back up as the referee called the penalty. South County called a time out. The Coach let Conrad manage the Hermes huddle during the time out. I couldn’t hear anything Conrad said to the team until the time out was almost over. “OK, guys … on three Philip … ONE – TWO – THREE –,” and then they all joined Conrad to shout “- PHILIP!!” As the team returned to the field, Conrad looked back at his opponent on one knee in the penalty box, smiled and simply said “thirty-two,” the number on the opposing player’s jersey.

There was only a little time left in the half after the number thirty-two was released from the penalty box. Hermes was way ahead. In front of me on the bleachers were two girls holding large hot decaffeinated coffees. One was wearing Bruce’s Varsity Jacket; the other was wearing Conrad’s varsity jacket. It seemed all three of us knew what was about to happen when the front of Conrad’s stick met number thirty-two’s gut to knock him down and knock the wind out of him. Number thirty-two stayed on the ground a little long than Philip had and unlike Philip elected to leave the field. The referee called the same penalty on Conrad that he had previously called on number thirty-two. Conrad took a knee in the penalty box and knelt tall with his long defensive stick like a victorious Knight kneeling before his King and Queen. Conrad indulged in a cocky swiveling of his hips as Bruce still scored under man-down conditions.

When the half ended, I watched the coach talk to the players and then dismiss the defensive team. Conrad grabbed a big gulp of water and approached the bleachers. The girl wearing his Varsity Jacket met him at the railing. The bleachers gave her an eighteen inch height advantage. Conrad took off his gloves and put his hands on her midriff. As she bent down to kiss him on the lips, the coach dismissed the Offensive Players. I walked down to confirm Philip was alright after being fouled. When I returned to the bleachers, Bruce and Conrad were both sitting with the girlfriend. Conrad was next to the steps.

“Nice payback Conrad,” I said smiling.

“Oh … for Philip … absolutely. Nobody messes with Philip,” Conrad spoke confidently. Bruce and the girls watched us smiling in agreement.

“I remember Bruce and Brad doing the same for you during the indoor season last year.”

Bruce spoke up. “I remember that. That dude was crazy. Number thirty-two down there just needed a little schooling.”

“Either way I appreciate it,” I told them before returning to my spot on the bleachers.

This lacrosse season is shaping up to be a great memory. Years from now, neither Philip nor I will remember much from any of the games. Instead we will remember the people. When it comes to Philip’s peers like Conrad, Bruce and the other Captains, it will be about watching them grow up and come into their own. I already forget exactly what it looked like to see Conrad foul number thirty-two. But I doubt I will ever forget the look of Conrad’s smile when he said my son’s name.

Seeing A Movie at the Midnight Opening

2012-03-31T18:44:00.000-07:00

The Hunger Games trilogy has caught on fire among teens, tweens and their mothers. About a week before the cinema release, Joshua and Debbie were at our house when Debbie exclaimed, “I’ve got a great idea! Let’s all go see the opening midnight showing together!” Something about her idea resonated.

In the intervening days there was a small amount of inter-family discussion about the wisdom of not getting to bed until at least 3:00am on a school night for the kids and a work night for the adults. Some parents were in favor and some were not. Our entire family went as did Joshua, Debbie, Abby and their parents. Carson’s parents felt that Carson and Eric couldn’t handle it. Sophia and her family also opted out. Debbie and Abby’s friend Tricia joined us but their friend Katie did not. Eventually it all came down to logistics. We needed to squeeze in eating, homework and perhaps even some catnaps. One group arrived earlier than the rest to ensure we had good seats.

Chloe arrived to discover Debbie, Abby and Tricia had arrived in matching pajamas. Chloe had experienced these acts of exclusion from Debbie and Abby before and had learned to handle them. The theater was packed with local high school and middle school students. Chloe scanned the crowd and spotted a girl named Kara who was always seeking an opportunity to hang out with Chloe. At eye-contact alone, Kara came running over to Chloe, took her arm and asked Chloe if she wanted to join her to watch the movie. It was an easy choice between the adoring Kara and the exclusive girls in matching pajamas.

We had never been to a midnight opening show before. Besides the hour, we only noticed one other downside. Whoever the most technically-adept theater employees were, they did not work during midnight showings. There were multiple technical difficulties with the sound and with the image. In our theater, image problems delayed the movie only slightly. For Chloe and Kara, there was a longer delay.

Ultimately, there is something hugely special about a midnight opening showing. Nobody has seen the movie before and the crowd present is highly motivated. Except for Chloe and Kara who were in a different theater altogether, the kids sat in one section of the theater near the front, the adults sat in a different section near the back. Behind us were about six college-age girls. While we waited for the previews, the college-age girls were quite engaging. Once they knew that Amelia had read the books in her book club, they wanted to included her in their “insider” conversation. The girl most directly behind me was particularly interested in seeing the “tracker-jacker” scene. It meant nothing to me before the film but I certainly understood why after the film.

Amelia was sitting at the end of the row, then me, then Joshua’s father and finally Joshua’s mother sat furthest into the row. Joshua’s father and I traded quiet commentary since we knew nothing about the story other than what our wives had told us. Below us we could see the three girls, Debbie, Abby and Tricia had taken off their Ugg-brand booties to reveal their pajama feet. One row above sat Philip and Joshua sharing a small popcorn bag. Everyone else felt more than well-fed. It was one of the unique features of a midnight showing. The need for snack food was almost non-existent.

Between the huge bright screen, the surround-sound and the compelling story, nobody felt tired during the actual movie. It was quite a special treat and we savored it immensely. It felt like the right way to see a new release. If the new release is extremely promising, it is worth the late night and the theater experience. If not, one can wait for the digital release to watch from home. While Debbie may be difficult socially for both Philip and Chloe, I must admit she had a great idea. As a result of this experience, I plan to see more opening midnight showings.

As we left the theater, we positioned ourselves for Chloe to meet us. We had forgotten the fact that the theater did not have its best technicians on site. Chloe and Kara’s theater had experienced a ten minute delay due to technical problems. We began to panic unnecessarily as the crowd from the emptying theaters began to thin. Philip elected to walk the half mile home rather than wait for his sister. That only added to my parental concern that something had happened to Chloe. But she quickly arrived after I called her mobile phone. She missed the last two or three minutes after the fates of the hero and heroine had long since been made clear. In the future, we’ll know about the technical challenges of a midnight opener, because everything else was great.

His First Vehicle

2012-03-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

The student parking lot at Hermes High School tells much without uttering a single word. Estimate the number of vehicles and one can estimate what percentage of the student body is in the driver’s seat each morning heading to school. Over the course of any school year, I would estimate it grows from a little over 40% to just shy of 60%. Factor in the number of students who live walking distance from the school and it would be safe to say that roughly 80% of driving-age students have easy access to either their own vehicle or their family’s second car.

With the exception of one pristinely detailed Jaguar Convertible, one cannot find a single vehicle with a Blue Book value above $15,000. The vast majority are well below that. At the gas station closest to the high school, around this time last year, I ran into Bruce one day not long after school got out. He was pumping gas into a small grey truck. “Hey, Mr. Askins. Nice to see you. Philip has really improved a lot in lacrosse. We’re having a great season together.”

“That seemed to be the case, but hearing it from you confirms it,” I replied. “How long have you had this cute girlfriend, Bruce?” I asked, pointing to his truck.

“This?” Bruce indulged in a quick laugh at my choice to call his truck his girlfriend. “I got this beauty about four months ago. Can you believe it was only five grand?”

Bruce’s experience proved to be very typical in today’s market. As Philip and I started looking at vehicles to purchase, the prices of the used vehicles advertised on Craigslist that Philip wanted were normally quite low. The lowest priced were trucks, SUVs and compact coupes. The pricing explained the purchase habits of the local teenagers. Anyone could drive an SUV, as long as it didn’t look like “a mom’s vehicle.” Most of the remaining boys were driving flatbed trucks. And most of the remaining girls were driving compact coupes. In contrast, prices were higher for Minivans, commuter sedans and Soccer-Mom SUVs, even when taking mileage into consideration.

After spending a little over an hour online, Philip concluded he was most interested in the Ford Explorers. There were four high mileage Ford Explorers listed locally on Craigslist. All were priced at $2,000. While there was some difficulty connecting with the sellers, we eventually connected with someone in Santa Carla.

Buying a high-mileage vehicle advertised on Craigslist gave us a peak at a demographic our family does not normally encounter. Our seller was a young man in his late twenties. He worked in the supermarket delivery business; his father was the owner of the supermarket delivery contract. He got up ridiculously early every morning but was done with his work day in the early afternoon. It turned out his driver’s license had been suspended, so his role the delivery business was unskilled lifting, packing and unpacking. By selling his Ford Explorer, he would be getting just enough money to pay the fines he owed and get his driver’s license back. He had an out-of-wedlock four-year-old son and was dating a girl close to his age who also had an out-of-wedlock child. Both our seller and his girlfriend lived with their respective parents.

The Ford Explorer was impeccably waxed and maintained on the outside, and the engine purred as if there were less than fifty thousand miles on the vehicle. The engine and body condition alone convinced me we were getting a fantastic deal. Nonetheless, the inside of the vehicle told a very different story. The upholstery was heavily worn with more than one duct tape patch, and smelled like it still carried the second hand smoke from ten years and at least a half pack per day. There was a cavity revealing a rat’s nest of wiring where the radio would normally be found. Most interesting of all was something the seller described as a security system but which looked to me like some kind of sobriety test. It was an awkward second key beneath the dashboard that needed to be carefully removed and replaced for the engine to start. Any driver would need to both remember the second key just below one’s right knee and have the dexterity to remove and re-insert it properly; hence my conclusion that it was a sobriety test.

Our seller was handsome, toned and extremely charming. His girlfriend looked like she could model professionally. We executed the transaction at the Motor Vehicle Registry office. About a quarter of our purchase price paid for various delinquent fees. The representative explained to our seller that the largest fine, which would cost him nearly all that remained of the purchase price, could only be paid at the County Courthouse. Philip and I drove our seller back home. He and his girlfriend unloaded his personal belongings and then we all said our goodbyes.

Philip was very pleased with the Explorer but wanted my verbal guarantee I would be purchasing a radio and an upholstery cleaning. On the balance I knew he would have one of the more impressive looking boy vehicles in the Hermes High School parking lot. At seventeen, he would be late in joining the ranks of the self-driven but this seemed to more than compensate.

The Civilizing Effect of Women

2012-02-29T23:15:00.001-08:00

For years now, Carson might have been best described as Philip and Joshua’s immature friend. Carson’s awkwardness was always announcing itself in some way. He would be the one who could be counted upon to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. When Philip and Joshua would be settling down, Carson would be unable to sit still. When Philip and Joshua were trading jokes, Carson would stumble over himself to throw in something funny but never seemed to hit the mark. In an attempt to get the attention of Debbie, Katie or any of the other girls, he would try acting effeminate and could not understand why his efforts had no positive impact.

But somehow Philip and Joshua have always liked Carson and have been happy to tolerate his immaturity. If anything, Philip blames Carson’s mother. As Philip sees it, Carson’s mother doesn’t seem to get it. She’s constantly embarrassing Carson in front of his peers and always trying to control him, even in the most minor things. There is a lot of truth behind Philip’s assessment. But Amelia sees things from a more balanced perspective. Carson’s mother adopted Carson and his younger brother Eric from the foster care system when the two were already in elementary school. As the children of addicts, Carson and Eric suffered significant neglect at key moments in life and have difficulty with trust and relationships. Despite large amounts of effort, Carson’s adopted parents have never been able to get Carson and Eric to even keep their word on basic things like doing their homework or cleaning their rooms. As the one who suffered neglect the longest, there has been a genuine concern that Carson would never become a self-supporting adult. Carson has done little to earn his adopted parents’ trust. When Carson first entered high school, his mother told him that she would not permit him to have a girlfriend. Carson argued back by telling her, “That’s not fair! Why can’t I have a girlfriend? There’s a guy in my grade who’s already gotten a girl pregnant!” Sadly, Carson had no concept of how egregiously counter-productive his argument sounded.

In most cases, we haven’t felt Carson was any real threat to Philip. The exception was with horsing around. Philip and Joshua always knew when to stop. Carson always took things to the extreme until someone got hurt. In middle school, the boys were racing along beside a four foot high chain-link fence. As Philip approached a section of the fence with a gate at a full sprint, Carson pushed open the gate so that Philip crashed his chest into the metal pole on the top of the gate, almost cracking a rib and delivering a bruise that took months to heal. But in normal circumstances like watching movies and going to the beach, Carson has just been Philip and Joshua’s slightly “off” friend.

But just a few months back, we suddenly witnessed a seemingly unbelievable and almost overnight change in Carson for the better. Our three families (Philip’s, Joshua’s and Carson’s) volunteered one night at the local homeless shelter, helping the children decorate the community dining hall for the Holidays. Carson was joined by someone we didn’t recognize at first. We hadn’t seen Sophia since the summer before she went off to Conquistador Middle School and Philip went of to Hermes Middle School. The girl had transformed significantly. As a teenager, Sophia looked like the heroine from an amine adventure. Her hair was bleached to platinum blond with streaks of hot pink in a pair of high, pigtails that spread out in waves from each side of her head in perfect diving arcs. She was thin with a tight sweater and tight jeans that ended well above her ankles to reveal patterned socks above modest sneakers. A backpack completed the look of an anime heroine.

As we were setting up for the volunteer event, Carson casually walked toward the kitchen to get a broom. Sophia followed behind him without being asked or invited. I’d never seen anyone follow after Carson before. And yet there was more. Sophia looked relaxed around Carson. Debbie and Katie in contrast always looked like they were on their guard near him. Sophia settled down at a table with Carson, Philip and Joshua. The bantering from Philip and Joshua was the same as always. But Carson did not seem desperate to toss in a joke. Instead he let at least five jokes from the other two boys go by before something truly funny occurred to him. He let it out with perfect timing and was rewarded with genuine laughter from Sophia, Joshua and Philip. That afternoon, Carson looked more relaxed that I had ever seen him. Additionally, he managed to successfully cut out the Holiday ornaments like Philip and Joshua were doing. But what was most noticeable was Sophia’s expressions and body language. She was treating Carson with respect. And for the first time ever, I saw Carson acting like he deserved respect.

In the weeks since, we have seen Carson several times. Half the time Sophia is there but half the time she is not there. While we suspect some kind of developing romance, Carson’s parents insist she is merely his good friend. And despite our suspicions, we have witnessed nothing that would serve as actual evidence that the two were more than friends. But whether Sophia is present or not, Carson is different. He looks like he finally believes in himself. Carson’s mother continues to behave in the manner that Philip finds particularly annoying and the truth is Carson still has a long way to go. But something has clearly happened in the core of Philip’s friend Carson. And the only the thing I can tie it to is his friendship with Sophia. Some would say young women have a civilizing effect on young men. Perhaps it is true. Then again, perhaps Sophia really is an anime heroine after all.

An Emotionally-Healthy Non-Dating Friendship

2012-02-29T21:53:00.002-08:00

It was morning break at Hermes Middle. As students exited their classrooms the campus quickly transformed from a quiet, serene set of buildings into an eruption of activity and movement. Chloe navigated from her classroom to her favorite break-time hang-out spot with kids walking in both directions. She walked forward as if on auto-pilot, saving her mental energy for the bantering that would be happening soon once she settled in her favorite spot with her friends.

Chloe and the kids walking in the opposite direction navigated so that shoulders never touched and bodies never collided. But then one of the larger, more developed boys in her grade, Bobby, approached from the opposite direction and suddenly commanded, “Move!” Chloe was startled and simply moved out of his way, wondering why he was so abrasive. And then she found out why. “Check it out,” Bobby spoke up among his friend laughing. “I told that girl to move and she moved!”

The whole exchange made Chloe uncomfortable. She was the object of somebody’s joke. Bobby was one of the mean, popular boys. She didn’t want to confront him directly for fear of some kind of payback. Likewise, she didn’t want to vent to just anyone because she did not want to amplify her embarrassment in any way. But she wanted to confide in a peer who would understand. But instead of confiding in Patty, Gayle, Katherine, Robbie or even Holly, Chloe chose to confide in Cooper.

While Chloe was on a sleepover at Gayle’s house, Gayle introduced Chloe to Cooper on a Facebook instant messaging session that migrated to text messaging from their mobile phones once Gayle’s mom told the girls to turn off the computer. Chloe and Cooper had known of one another before the chat from Gayle’s house but had never actually met. The girls spent over four hours text chatting with Cooper and in the weeks that followed, Chloe and Cooper spent even more hours in text dialog on Facebook and on their mobile phones.

Early in the dialog, Chloe and Cooper established this as a non-romantic friendship. Cooper confided his interest in Gayle while Chloe confided her interest in another boy. For over a month now, Chloe and Cooper have been getting to know one another. Chloe knows for example that Cooper is slowly learning Portuguese because he likes the Brazilian alternative band, Kleiderman. He puts the lyrics to their songs into Google Translate so he can learn what they mean. He’s been augmenting Google translate with a library book on Portuguese grammar. Every so often Chloe gets a text from Cooper in Portuguese which she asks him to translate.

So the evening after the rude treatment from Bobby, Chloe told Cooper the whole story to Cooper from her mobile phone in a series of text message. ‘hes a doosh’ Cooper wrote. And he proceeded to tell Chloe about an incident in which Bobby mistreated him and then another incident when Bobby was particularly cruel to another student.

‘geeez bobbi is a todal deebag isnt he im glad im not the only one’ Chloe texted back.

As a parent, I consider the kind of social interaction shared between Cooper and Chloe to be extremely important developmentally for both boys and girls. Chloe knows a handful of girls who want nothing to do with any boys unless it is romantic. Perhaps some parents support this way of thinking. I believe it is both antiquated and unhealthy.

At around this age, attraction suddenly gets boys interested in girls and girls interested in boys. For years leading up to this point kids were almost completely interested in their own gender. And the best non-romantic friendships going forward will still generally shared among people of the same gender. That said, I believe an important part of developing into a healthy adult who can enjoy a meaningful romance involves forming genuine, emotionally-healthy, non-dating, non-family friendships with people of both genders.

Right now for Chloe, it is mainly only Cooper who plays the role of non-romantic guy-friend. The two continue to text. Chloe is learning a little bit more about how boys think and Cooper is learning a little bit more about how girls think. And they are gaining exposure to each other’s perspective. Chloe would never have thought to check out a Brazilian alternative band on her own. But the other day, I saw Chloe get onto Youtube to check out Kleiderman and I suspected Cooper had everything to do with it.

Less a Child but not More an Adult

2012-02-26T19:39:00.003-08:00

We still have the digital photos from hosting Philip and his peers for a party at our house two summers ago. Three then-fifteen-year-old boys Philip, Joshua and Kevin were lined up on all fours. Then-thirteen-year-olds Debbie and Katie got on top of them, and finally with the help of Chloe and Ashley, tween Abby got on top to form a pyramid. There were plenty of smiles, laughs and snapping cameras.

A year and a half later, Katie is now fifteen. Chloe was over at Debbie and Abby’s house. Another girl, Tricia, was there but Katie was nowhere to be seen. Over the years we have known them, Debbie and Katie have had multiple falling outs. At first this seemed like yet another one of them. In many ways it was. But in other ways this was new. The girls didn’t approve of Katie’s new boyfriend, Ford, the amount of time Katie was spending with her boyfriend, how Katie acted now that she had a boyfriend, and other things that were initially communicated with a whisper directly into an ear so Chloe could not hear.

The three girls danced around the topic of their disapproval. But whenever Chloe pressed for an explanation, the three girls insisted, “It’s private” or “It’s a secret” or “It’s none of your business, Chloe.” It might have been none of Chloe’s business but that didn’t stop the three of them from continuing to gossip with unspecific words until only a very naive girl would not have figured things out. Sentences like “She kept wanting to tell us what it was like,” or “She wouldn’t shut up about the details” and “Like we really want to know that stuff,” led Chloe to conclude—probably correctly—that Katie had become sexually active. Comments on Facebook by Katie, her boyfriend and various comments served to solidify this conclusion. While nothing is certain, the shrouded comments and hearsay made me sad in two important ways.

First, Katie was simply not ready. Fifteen was simply too young. And from what little we knew, her boyfriend was significantly older. Katie’s personal life was difficult. Her parents were divorced and her mother was suffering from debilitating health problems. Financial problems were a logical consequence of the first two problems. In addition, Katie was not mature enough to be sexually active. If anything, her choice had been intended to prove she had maturity to those who had reason to doubt it. The relationship had only just started and had not yet stabilized. In truth, both Katie and the boyfriend should have known not to rush things, but teenagers, especially immature teenagers, will do so even if they know better.

The second thing that made me sad was the fact that her friends were incapable of being true friends at the time, and in the manner Katie needed them most. Katie confided and the result was that Debbie and the other girls pushed her away, gossiped and used the fact that they held a secret to make others feel excluded. This is a huge challenge for adolescents. Their need for the support of friends far exceeds the ability of her peers to provide true friendship. The thrill of gossip exceeds the moral fortitude to keep a confidence and be trustworthy. Katie’s friends also failed to help her make wise choices. Instead they vacillated from expressing awe that she had a boyfriend and was getting intimate, to expressing disgust at her choices in both the person and the behavior.

Weeks later, the friendship between Debbie and Katie is somehow patched up. With multiple families over at Debbie’s house one evening, Chloe witnessed the game of cattiness again. Debbie disappeared with Katie, Tricia and Abby and the four returned quickly in matching pajamas to take pictures of themselves together in front of a big bathroom mirror, intentionally excluding Chloe and the two other girls present, Sophia and Sophia’s sister Lana. Chloe and Lana were hurt by the exclusion but decided to enjoy one another’s friendship. Sophia was content to join Philip, Joshua and their friend Carson. “I hate that,” Sophia said. “That’s why most of my friends are boys instead of girls.”

“Yeah, really,” Carson answered in support. And the four laughed approvingly at Sophia and Carson’s small exchange. In the bathroom with the camera phone, Katie would occasionally name-drop her boyfriend Ford, but realized she couldn’t risk bringing him up too often lest she lose the approval of Debbie and the other girls. It seemed as if she was trying to appear more like an adult. But the truth was, Katie simply appeared like less of a child.

Drivers of Short Term Contention

2012-01-31T22:52:00.000-08:00

Gayle and Chloe have continued their friendship from the previous summer but the two have few close friendships in common. As such, Chloe continues to find herself at odds with Gayle’s more possessive friends like Britney. Recently, a girl named Natalie seemed to be the one wanting to put a wedge between Chloe and Gayle.

At the end of a Wednesday half-day, Chloe wanted to get a smoothie after school and was soliciting friends to see who might go there as well. As the school day ended, Chloe saw Gayle and Natalie headed to the parking lot. “We’ll meet you there,” Natalie said. “My mom is picking us up and taking us there.”

So Chloe walked to the smoothie place. She waited. And she waited. Finally, Chloe called Gayle. Gayle answered and then the phone hung up quickly. Chloe didn’t like the implications so she walked home. At home Chloe sent a text message to Gayle asking what happened. Gayle blamed it on Natalie’s mother but didn’t take any responsibility for not letting Chloe know about her change of plans.

We can only conjecture what happened exactly. Did Gayle hang up on Chloe? Or did Natalie grab Gayle’s phone and cut her off? Or did Natalie’s mother insist on no phone calls? We don’t know. I had a hard time believing Gayle would deliberately betray Chloe but I could likewise see Gayle caving to someone else’s antics. I could also imagine Gayle having too much pride to admit she had wronged Chloe in any way without parental intervention, and Chloe certainly did not want to risk any fallout from getting Gayle’s parents involved in some kind of reconciliation.

At home, Chloe was deeply unhappy about “getting ditched” that day. She openly wondered if she would ever be friends with Gayle after what happened. When a boy told Chloe that he saw Gayle and Natalie getting lunch at the Chinese take-out across the street that same day, Chloe sent another text to Gayle confronting her. But Gayle did not want to lose face and denied anything other than going home with Natalie’s mother.

But it was only a little more than a week later that Gayle and Chloe were talking amicably again. Gayle wanted Chloe to go to an evening event with her on Friday. And from the event, Chloe sent us a text message asking if she could sleep over at Gayle’s house.

In the end, I would conclude Natalie was possessive of Gayle and did not want Chloe interfering. As a tween Gayle has not learned to manage her friends’ treatment of one another. But left on her own, Chloe is Gayle’s choice to bring on a family vacation, a Friday evening event or a weekend sleepover. As long as Chloe can tolerate Gayle’s occasional shortcomings, everything should be fine between them. Eventually, Gayle will outgrow these shortcomings and Chloe will no longer need to worry.

The Weekend Between Semesters

2012-01-31T22:04:00.000-08:00

I think high school is harder for kids now than it was when I was in high school. The big difference is the student-teacher ratio. The teachers care. But when they have that many more students, something has to give. A second factor seems to be competitiveness. There seems to be more work and less forgiveness for mistakes.

As a high school Junior, Philip is now struggling through the Honors program at Hermes High School. Philip is smart, academically-inclined and has high ambitions for college. But top grades do not come to him easily. At home, he likes to be ahead on his studies. Some nights this past semester, I saw him visibly stressed and when I inquired he told me he had done all his homework but really needed to get ahead on his homework so that he would not risk falling behind. The Honors program has additional requirements including more volunteer hours which add to the sense that there is always going to be more to do so one should be ahead rather than on time.

As exams approached, Philip became even more agitated. He wanted to leave a New Year’s Eve party early because he was concerned about getting enough sleep and preparing for the coming exams in early January. It also seemed like there were an unusually large number of small assignments that needed to be completed right before exam week in addition to final tests and papers.

Philip’s stress began to spread to the family. Amelia was checking his grades online and was concerned about some missing assignments and some unusually low grades on others. While the emergence of online tools was meant to help kids manage their assignments, it often seems like they have more trouble keeping track of assignments that are posted in odd places, or at unexpected times. Amelia contacted one teacher who it turned out was happy to have Philip redo many of the missing assignments as well as ones he had not understood and therefore had earned unusually low marks. Clearly, Philip is not the only one with these challenges.

And then exam week arrived. The one nice thing about exam week was that school began an hour later for Philip. Chloe would get dropped off at school first and Philip could either sleep a little later, spend more time at the coffee shop before school or both. He normally elected for both. It proved to be a particularly long week. Philip came home disinclined to talk and he spent most of his time studying.

The weekend after exams proved to be a relief to Philip and by extension his parents. Philip seemed to become his normal self again. His exam grades came back well and he was able to sleep in without feeling guilty afterwards. We started to hear him laugh from within his room watching humorous videos online. And Philip’s sense of relief spread throughout the whole family. And perhaps most fortunately, it continued into the new semester. While I cannot say Philip won’t ratchet up his stress levels once again, especially when year-end exams hit, I do believe he has learned to manage stress better which is going to be an important life skill.

The Impact of an Allowance

2012-01-31T20:12:00.000-08:00

Toward the end of fifth grade, a new girl named Robbie (which is short for Roberta) appeared in Chloe’s class. She quickly became friends with Chloe and Katherine. Over what remained of fifth grade, into summer and then into middle school Chloe and Katherine integrated Robbie into their friendship. One of their favorite shared activities has been watching horror movies. Chloe and I watched Chloe’s first R-Rated movie, The Exorcist over the course of a few evenings during the summer. From there Chloe’s enjoyment of horror movies has continued.

There was a time when I believed Chloe was interested in horror movies because they were some kind of forbidden thing that some parents permitted and most parents did not permit. We let her play the 1980s PG-rated Poltergeist for a fifth grade party and for her sixth grade Halloween party we let her play a PG-13 horror film. But by the time she sat through The Exorcist in its entirety, she clearly liked horror movies for their thrill alone.

It seemed only natural to assume that Robbie and Katherine had likewise graduated from the forbidden activity appeal to the thrill appeal when it came to horror movies, and so Amelia was happy to take the three girls to see an R-Rated horror movie in the theater with their respective parents’ permission.

Robbie and Katherine arrived at our house late that Saturday afternoon. Chloe had tried to get them to come earlier when they could see the half-price matinee so that the cost of the outing would not set her back more than a week’s worth of allowance, but she was not successful. The girls by contrast had money their parents had given them for the outing. At the concession stand, Robbie and Katherine loaded up with candy, popcorn and soda. Chloe selected the small serving of nachos.

As the horror film became more intense on the big screen in front of them, Chloe was mesmerized. But Katherine and Robbie began to loose their nerve. Near the peak of the action, Katherine and Robbie were so frightened that they wanted to leave. Chloe was frightened by the movie too, but she was more frightened that Katherine and Robbie’s desire to leave would prevail.

The difference in attitude perhaps boiled down to economics. Katherine and Robbie had not financed the outing themselves. They did not value the difference in price between the matinee time and the late afternoon. They did not value the cost of their load of movie snacks. In contrast, Chloe’s personal spending operated on a budget and this movie was a big piece of that budget. Chloe wanted to stomach the most frightening part of the horror movie on the big screen in front of her because she had paid for the thrill and it would be a long time before her funds caught up to pay for the next thrill.

As parents, Amelia and I like the effect of the allowance. It means Chloe and Philip make decisions more along the lines of the way we make decisions. We first started the allowance when Philip turned five years old. When he suddenly needed to pay for a visit to McDonalds, his interest in McDonalds dropped in comparison to the video game he was saving up to purchase.

At the end of the movie, all three girls were glad they stayed, but Chloe was still upset that the other two had even considered leaving. At home with Chloe alone, Amelia explained how Robbie and Katherine did not have an allowance and that influenced how much they valued what they purchased. It was one of those moments where Chloe saw clearly that she was being raised differently than other kids. And perhaps Chloe liked herself and her upbringing just a little bit more after getting a chance to see and understand the alternative.

The Unmistakable Signs of Womanhood

2011-12-31T16:18:00.000-08:00

Entering Middle School was one milestone for Chloe but it was quickly followed by another milestone. She had her first period. During the summer prior to middle school, she had started wearing a bra regularly. For Chloe, the migration into adolescence, including having her first boyfriend, all happened within a very short period of time. And fortunately, she is comfortable talking about it with her parents.

One problem was with Physical Education (PE) class. While getting used to sanitary napkins, her PE teacher yelled at her for not running fast enough. While one would think Middle School teachers have figured out the subtle signals young girls exhibit, clearly not all of them have.

Chloe’s friends have various levels of desire and comfort talking about their new experiences as young women. Holly is particularly engaging with Chloe. And it probably helps that the two go to different schools. At one point the two became so absorbed talking with one another that they failed to notice my presence working on my laptop at the other side of the family room. As Chloe and Holly continued their discussion and got more comfortable with one another, their words became progressively more detailed.

“Uh, girls,” I spoke up. They suddenly turned toward me. “Would you like me to go work somewhere else while you two talk?” They didn’t quite know what to say. I tried to answer for them. “That’s probably a good idea, huh?”

“Yeah. That’s probably a good idea,” Holly began and Chloe finished. They continued their conversation in whispers while I packed up and took my work elsewhere.

For Chloe every time she is able to talk about “girl things” for the first time with a friend, it seems to draw them closer.

A few weeks back, Chloe was invited to a sleepover birthday party at Patty’s house. Jasmine was there and so was Stephanie. Chloe and Stephanie had drifted apart over the years. It wasn’t that their friendship had ended. Instead, the two just ended up spending more time with others. Patty was a close friend of each, so Chloe and Stephanie were each one of the four girls sleeping over at Patty’s house that night.

There was a lot of “girl talk” that evening. Patty and a girl named Heather got into a conversation about girls’ chest sizes. Chloe was sitting near them and heard it all. Patty and Heather liked being at the head of the bell curve regarding their own chest sizes. Chloe and Stephanie were average. Jasmine and the remaining girl at party were still undeveloped in that regard, and so they ended up ignoring the first conversation to engage in their own.

It also meant that Chloe and Stephanie got time to talk. And they got to talking more than they had in a very long time. They discovered that each of them not only had her first period but also that they both were dealing with it at the time. It was a special bonding time for Chloe and Stephanie. They complained about doing stretches in PE class and how uncomfortable it is. They talked about boys, but didn’t mention either Lars or Eddie.

At one point Patty called Chloe “flat” and Stephanie was quick to come to Chloe’s defense saying, “No she’s not!” Heather also ended up being particularly difficult to Chloe during the party. Normally the two got a long really well. Chloe felt particularly hurt by some of the things Heather and Patty said and the fact that Chloe was having her period amplified the feelings of hurt and betrayal. The girls struggled with cattiness that evening. Jasmine ended up calling Patty a “douche bag” which upset Patty a little and bothered Chloe even more because she initially thought Jasmine was calling Chloe a “douche bag” as well.

At home we helped Chloe honestly assess what had happened at the party. We were really happy about how she had connected with Stephanie. And we helped her forgive Heather and Patty for the offenses. Patty quickly regretted some of the things she had said to Chloe and took it upon herself to call Chloe to apologize. The friendship proved stronger than the one offense and Patty’s initiative in reconciling meant a lot to Chloe. Jasmine on the other hand was continuing to prove more difficult. Jasmine’s supposed apologies came out as excuses and accusations, complaining that everyone else was cursing and that people shouldn’t be so sensitive.

Middle school is hard enough on its own. Experiencing the unmistakable signs of womanhood for the first time adds to the difficuly of middle school. Some like Chloe, Holly, Patty and Stephanie seem to handle it reasonably well and know how to find support in others. It makes me proud as a parent. I am proud of Chloe’s behavior as well as her choice of friends.

Adolescents and Sleep

2011-12-31T13:45:00.000-08:00

Winter break is a two week affair in the Hermes School system and no doubt many school systems. For Philip and Chloe, winter break has meant they have the long-awaited control over their sleep. Or maybe it is sleep rather than their schedule that finally has control over them. Either way, the opportunity to stay up late and sleep in is almost more welcome than the wrapped gifts they were eyeing during the first week of winter break.

By Tuesday, both Philip and Chloe were waking up after noon. When I finally went to sleep Tuesday night at a time particularly late for me, both Philip and Chloe were in their rooms watching online videos. Neither Amelia nor I saw any reason to make them go to bed. On Wednesday, Philip was still in his room late in the afternoon. When the winter darkness settled in, we joked about pretending it was morning when Philip woke up. Amelia and I each had a story about being a teenager and waking up in the evening after a long sleep and thinking it was morning. Amelia remembers asking her mother to make french toast and her mother doing so without a word. By the time Philip woke up we had agreed not to play any tricks on him. But then he surprised us. “I don’t know what happened. I woke up at five forty-five and couldn’t get back to sleep.” It took us a while to realize he thought it was morning. And he was genuinely surprised when we explained that it was evening.

Whether it is an effect similar to winter hibernation or something to do with growing, sleep seems to be particularly important to adolescents. Amelia and I feel we should respect their need for sleep. Although they are both past the age of needing bedtimes, we find ourselves encouraging them to sleep, especially when they need to wake up early the next day.

Their sleeping habits tend to rub off on the family. On Friday nights we tend to stay up later with them and then the weekend or holiday takes its course with sleeping in when we do not have any morning obligations. There is something fun about staying up late. We watch movies or television together. Sometimes one of them will go to a friend’s house to stay overnight and we will do something special with the other one. With Philip, we played a complex family board game he likes when Chloe spent the night at Gayle’s house. (And yes, he beat us!) On another night, Chloe got to watch a horror movie with Amelia when Philip was over at Joshua’s house.

If something is going to disrupt our ability to take action during weekends and holidays, then I would certainly pick the kids’ need for sleep as the primary disruptor. But for us it really has not been a disruptor. Amelia and I use it to get things done in the morning and tend to plan family activities for the afternoon.

Two weeks ago, our family activity was Kiwi-picking. There’s a farm about forty-five minutes away. We have an annual ritual to pick Kiwis. We bring home as much as fifty pounds. Our favorite family photo shows Philip at age ten and Chloe at age six at the farm near the kiwi bushes. We had it printed onto canvas and it hangs proudly on our dining room wall. This past weekend, Chloe woke up around eleven-thirty. We woke up Philip around one-fifteen and ultimately left the house at twenty minutes past two. When we arrived at the farm it was less than an hour before the four o’clock close. But the kids were experienced. And the long sleep meant they were both in a great mood. Thirty-five minutes later we had almost forty pounds of kiwis loaded in the back of our vehicle and we were heading home victorious. Chloe and Philip were relaxed and there was a sense of unhurriedness that was particularly refreshing.

Within reason, we can work around the kids sleep needs and habits. When Christmas morning came it was nice having the adults be the first ones to wake up. That didn’t stop Chloe from waking up at the first sound of her parents. It also didn’t stop Philip from intentionally getting to bed early the night before in anticipation of the upcoming gift-opening. With Amelia and I respecting the kids’ need for sleep, the kids are now free to manage themselves and seem to have it well under control.

When the Power Goes Out

2011-12-31T11:52:00.000-08:00

Growing up decades ago, power outages were normal occurrences. They typically happened three to five times every year. My mother had candles to light. And she had a special cooking set for power outages. The old furnace would continue to operate as long as the pilot light remained lit. Power outages were a part of my childhood. They were something that would happen during a storm. In the darkness and absence television, radio or any kind of lighting other than candes and battery-powered flashlights, my mother and I would listen to the wind howl and patiently wait until the power returned. What was always funny was that the telephone had a separate power supply, and I do not think we ever lost telephone service. During the power outages, we could call my grandmother and grandfather across town. We would ask them if they had lost their power or not and what they thought of the weather.

Today in Hermes, our family hardly ever experiences power outages. Those that happen tend to be brief. But just a few weeks back, a heavy wind storm denied our home power for over twelve hours. It was a unique experience. The furnace went out with the power and so the house slowly cooled down. The phones no longer worked because they had lost their power. Our mobile phones had whatever charge was remaining but we generally refrained from using them in case there was an emergency need to use the phone.

Philip and Chloe were not used to existing without power. There was no television. And even though the computers' batteries were reasonably well charged, they had no internet connection. Amelia and the kids ate dinner at the house of family friends house who lived in a remote part of Conquistador that somehow still had power. I ate dinner at my office before heading home.

The result was that we all arrived back at home around eight o’clock in the evening. The house and the neighborhood were completely dark. Even the street lamps were dark. The moon was behind a cloud but there was a section of sky we could see from the family room that was completely clear and the stars looked particularly bright with the absence of any town light reflecting back from the sky. The house temperature had dropped about ten degrees below our normal thermostat setting. It was chilly, but bundling ourselves in blankets was all we really needed.

Eight o’clock was too early to simply go to bed. Philip was glad he was up-to-date on his homework, but he liked to be ahead one or two days and the power outage initially made him anxious about his studies. We ended up sitting in the family room together. The exception was Philip. He chose to stand. We had as many candles as we could lit in the family room and we could see one another's dim faces.

In a quite natural manner, we began to talk in a way we hadn't in a long time. All four of us were speaking and interacting on the same topic at any given time. The driver was Philip. It became one of those times when Philip was particularly willing to be open and transparent. He was willing to indulge our curiosities. He talked about his life at Hermes High School. He answered Chloe's questions that she had asked often, but never had gotten a solid answer. He told us about his classes and about life as the lone guy on the cheer squad. Chloe asked Philip about the social dynamic at the High School. She asked questions about how popular kids acted and what they did differently. She wanted to know to what degree things she had seen about High School in movies was accurate. Philip gave Chloe thoughtful answers that explained how what she had seen in movies were partially true. He explained what was realistic, what was a stretch, what was a common misunderstanding and what was pure fiction.

The conversation lasted over two hours. In the end we felt more connected. It wasn't just that Philip opened up to us. It was also a sense on Philip's part that we weren't pestering him for information or judging him in any way. While Philip talked a lot, the conversation really was a four way interaction. Chloe shared about things that happened at Hermes Middle School and solicitted feedback from all of us. Amelia and I talked about what we expienced during our Middle School and High School years. As a group we shared our opinions on what was the same and what was different between the generations.

All of us were so satisfied with the power outage, we decided to fake a power outage every so often. Two weekends later we turned out most of the lights, lit candles and for the last hour before bed, the four of us talked. It wasn't exactly the same. In some ways it was better. We had microwaved popcorn and the blankets were optional since the heat was running. The fact was, we had caught up significantly during the actual power outage. This pretend power outage was more of a check-in. And I think that is all we need as a family. We just need one night every so often together with no television, phone or computers. Candle lighting adds ambiance but is not required.

Talk or Leave Them Alone?

2011-11-30T21:58:00.000-08:00

Adolescence is the time for kids to develop their independence. It is messy. In the ideal world parents would correctly identify how their adolescents should be independent over time, grant them that independence and be done with it. Usually the adolescents have other ideas.

With Philip, the first five minutes of my morning drive to work includes taking him to the coffee shop that is walking distance from Hermes High School. With nothing else to do but sit and drive, it is my ideal time to ask Philip about what is going on in his life. My wife and I chat in the car and it is time well spent as long as it is not the kind of sensitive which demands we speak be eye-to-eye. But Philip does not want to talk in the car. He never wants to talk in the morning. And he rarely wants to talk when one or both of his parents want to talk. He is more inclined these days to talk to his mother than to me, and with either of us Phillip is nearly always the initiator. And even if I have something important to discuss and try to time it well, Philip is usually annoyed. Nonetheless, I generally yield to Philip’s preferences because I want to give him that independence he both wants and needs.

With Chloe, this trend is just beginning. She has not quite earned the level of independence her brother has earned. But we want to respect her wishes when we can. When Chloe wants to speak with just one parent, I am usually her preference. Amelia gets Philip and I get Chloe. I’m not sure why but that is how it has worked out itself. Each is a challenge to navigate but in very different ways.

The other morning, I greeted Chloe with the kind of enthusiasm she usually appreciates. But she turned her head away from me and went up to her room. I asked Amelia what was wrong. “I promised her I wouldn’t tell you other than to say it was nothing you did.”

It didn’t feel right. I had intended to leave for work rather soon but this seemed important. Chloe was upstairs in her room lying in her bed. She had the day off from school, but I had not taken the day off from work. It was fifteen minutes before I had planned to leave. Chloe wouldn’t look at me. I asked her if she would tell me what was bothering her. Without turning her head in my direction, she answered, “No.”

I made the decision to stay and talk to Chloe, despite her resistance. I didn’t push for her to reveal her secret right away. I spent quite a bit of time reaffirming my love for her. She eventually told me she didn’t want to tell me what was bothering her because she thought I would think less of her. I had no idea what could possibly cause that or could possibly cause it in her mind. But at least she had given me a hint.

I looked at my watch. It was now five minutes from when I had intended to leave. Chloe was suffering. And she was going to suffer all day until she mustered the courage to tell me what was bothering her and I could genuinely affirm her. I stayed with her and continued to affirm my love for her. I remembered being just a little bit older than she was now and not wanting to tell my mother about something I did. I told Chloe the whole story. And I told her how I suffered for a long time less because of what I did and more because the secret was a wedge between me and my mother. By the time I was done, I was past the point when I should have left the house already. Chloe’s response was, “That was nothing compared to what I did.”

I expected I wouldn’t agree, but I was in no position to argue. Meanwhile, Chloe had made one step closer. I continued to affirm my love. Amelia walked in and we both reasserted that Amelia had not told me anything except that it was nothing I had done. Together Amelia and I affirmed Chloe in my love for her and encouraged her to end her suffering by telling me. And finally, Chloe did.

I remembered the event. I remembered asking Chloe about something I was pretty sure she had done, and her denying having anything to do with it. My goal at the time was more about controlling Chloe’s future behavior and less about chastising her past behavior. So I let her save face with her denial. At the time, I figured that was the end of it.

But the guilt of lying to her father had been eating away at Chloe for days and eventually brought her to the state she was in. Chloe was surprised to know that I had known she was not telling me the truth when I had confronted her. One could almost see the wave of relief run over Chloe’s face. We spent a few minutes relaxing next to one another on Chloe’s bed. Eventually, I hugged her and headed off to work. As it turned out, the traffic was light.

That day, it was the right decision to insist on talking with Chloe. But the time is not far off when it won’t be right to insist any more, just like it was already not right for Amelia to betray Chloe’s secret to me in this recent situation. As time moves forward, I hope Chloe and Philip have already learned it is safe to confide in their parents.

Tough Girls and Predatory Guys

2011-11-27T19:20:00.000-08:00

When Philip joined the Hermes High School Cheer Squad as the mascot, Nestor Hawk, we had only one real concern. We knew he wasn’t doing it to womanize. But we were concerned there would be people—especially girls on the Cheer Squad—who might think womanizing was Philip’s primary motivation. Months later, Philip has no reputation for womanizing. Nonetheless many of the girls on the Cheer Squad have been womanized by others.

Womanizing is perhaps a dated term in today’s youth hookup culture. It conjures the image of men who have turned love into a sport that keeps score. The role of women in this sport is a question. When it comes to teenagers, to what degree are the girls who get womanized victims versus equal participants? And lastly, what do the parents of the womanized girls know and think?

A few weeks back, Amelia and I gained just a little bit of insight into what these parents—especially the girls’ mothers—thought about their own daughters’ participation in today’s youth hookup culture. To help defray the cost of the Cheer program at Hermes High School, Oleta’s mother had organized a fund-raising event that she and other Cheer parents ran as volunteers. Amelia and I each volunteered to work for a half day. It was mostly mothers. The only other father who volunteered was Oleta’s stepfather—and I don’t think Oleta’s mother had given him a choice. Volunteering became a social venue for the Cheer parents to interact. Some mothers said little to nothing of significance. Others withheld nothing. And still others said things which indirectly revealed a lot—perhaps much more than they realized.

One mother whose son I had coached years ago had a freshman girl on the Junior Varsity Cheer Squad. She arrived early for the second shift and spent fifteen minutes chatting with me until Amelia relieved me. In between her talks with Amelia and with me, this particular mother unloaded possibly everything in her parenting life. She was still unhappy with her marriage and the parenting skills of her son and daughter’s stepfather. Her own parenting skills were also far below par. She had little to no control over her son and daughter. The son in Philip’s class seemed to be managing better than this mother was willing to admit. And the daughter seemed to be the one managing her mother as opposed to the other way around. This particular mother told Amelia that her daughter had gotten stoned on marijuana at least once with some other girls in the early weeks of school. This didn’t stop the mother from financing her daughter’s participation in Cheer. Admittedly, this mother was the odd one in the bunch.

For me, the moment of revelation happened when some mothers asked me about Philip’s participation in the Cheer program. They liked the fact that a guy had joined the group. Some were not aware he had gone to Cheer Camp with the girls over the summer, so I got to tell them he had a private room at the hotel and had been the co-winner of the highest mascot award given out that summer. As they expressed their appreciation for Philip, I commented, “As long as the lone guy on the Cheer Squad is not a womanizer, I figure everyone should be able to feel good about it.”

In response, one mother—whose daughter had been with a lot of different older guys—spoke confidently in response. “I don’t know about that. Our girls are tough.” I don’t know if that expressed what she actually thought about womanizing, or whether it was just the line she had adopted. Either way, what she indirectly told me was that she accepted the fact that her daughter had womanizers in her life. It was an interesting, non-judgmental statement that could be interpreted in a few different ways.

One interpretation would be that the girls know how to protect themselves from womanizers and could handle the behavior of even the most womanizing football players. Another interpretation would be that the girls wouldn’t be hurt by womanizing even if taking part in today’s hookup culture. And still a final interpretation would be that she viewed it as much of a sport for girls as it was for guys. Perhaps this mother even vicariously enjoyed her daughter’s romantic exploits. The first interpretation would be one I would want to apply to my own daughter. But since I knew this woman’s daughter didn’t protect herself from the womanizers, I was left with the subsequent interpretations—neither of which I embrace as a parent—especially as I look ahead to Chloe’s not-too-distant future at Hermes High School.

For a teenage girl, protecting herself from male predators is best accomplished by being a good judge of character, even if that judgment requires parental assistance. An alternative means is to become cold-hearted in some way. As I looked at the handful of Cheerleaders who had joined the parents to volunteer that day, I saw more evidence of cold-heartedness and less evidence of good judgment than I would have wanted.

Not long after the volunteer event, Lars broke up with Chloe. He spoke with her privately and communicated his decision plainly. There were no cruel words on either side. Chloe was upset, but she recovered quickly. The relationship had been tame. Both Lars and Chloe took things slowly and it turned out to have been for both their benefits. I had admired Chloe’s good judgment of character when things began with Lars, but I admired it even more when things ended with Lars. If Chloe keeps this up, I’ll never need to use the word tough to mean cold-hearted.

Cologne for the Prom or Formal

2011-11-27T11:35:00.000-08:00

Few events from high school will be as memorable as the proms and formal dances. If you are a guy, this is your chance to make a great memory for yourself and for your date. You get to dress outside your normal attire in a tuxedo, suit or at least something extra special. Philip for example owns a Black Alfani “Red Label” Jacket that fits his tall, lean body perfectly. He has worn it to banquets and other special events with an un-tucked button-up shirt, tight jeans and leather dress shoes. For the upcoming Winter Formal, Philip will combine his Alfani jacket with some new attire to provide the perfect look.

For prom and other formal dances, well selected cologne is a great way to top off the perfect look. If you wear cologne regularly, this is the time for something different and unique. If you don’t wear cologne, you still need to steer away from what other guys wear commonly. This means you need to steer away from popular colognes like Fierce (Abercrombie & Fitch), Eternity (Calvin Klein) and Aqua Di Gio (Giorgio Armani). Additionally, since this will be a special occasion, there is no reason to purchase a full bottle. There are plenty of colognes that offer sample vials on a card that can be purchased inexpensively online.

Colognes in a sample vial add extra value during proms and formals. You can purchase a subtle scent that might fade quickly, but keep an extra vial in the breast pocket of your jacket to keep yourself scented all evening. The sample vials will also allow you to purchase a handful comfortably before the event and try them out. With online ordering it is easy to find a large choice from a single source. Compare the descriptions of colognes available in a sample vial to the ones you know. Then order as many as you like. Online orders tend to be discounted. You can have a fun time experimenting with the different scents and even get your date involved in the selection process. Alternatively, you can surprise her.

On the day of the actual prom or formal, girls will spend the earlier part of the day getting their hair and nails done and their makeup perfect either at a salon or together at someone’s house. There’s no reason why you cannot treat yourself as well. A fresh haircut may or may not be in order, but a nice clean shave with a straight-edged razor from a barber is an absolute treat. It will feel great and you will look fantastic in any photos taken later.

After your visit to the barber, go home and enjoy a luxurious shower. Once you are ready to dress in your formal attire, make sure you are completely dry. Carefully pour about half a vial into your hand and apply the cologne to your chest. Rub it in with both hands. Then pour the remainder of the vial into your hand again and then rub both hands together. If there is still a small pool of cologne in your hand, apply it gently to your chest. Then apply your cologne-dampened hands to your throat. With your pinky fingers just touching your earlobes, rub the cologne in by bringing your hands together. Then rub your hands along your cheeks. And finally rub whatever cologne remains on your hands into your forearms.

At this point, you should immediately put on your formal shirt to keep the cologne from evaporating too quickly. This should all be timed so that when you are fully dressed, it is right when you want to leave. Be sure to put an extra vial of your cologne into the breast pocket of your jacket. Depending on how quickly the scent fades over the course of the evening, apply small dabs to your throat above the collar of your shirt as needed.

If you are feeling uncertain about what cologne to select, I have one top recommendation. It is Green Irish Tweed (Creed). A 1 oz bottle retails at over one hundred dollars. Even the sample vials are pricey when compared to other colognes. But this scent is well worth it. I’ve read in various places that this cologne was made specifically for actor Cary Grant. Whether that claim is true or not, it does a good job describing the masculine sophistication of this scent which releases a subtle aroma of wood, grass and moss that one might associate with a strong confident man from the beautiful Irish countryside.

As you take your time to select your scent, you may also want to consider the other scents Creed offers in a sample vial. These include Imperial Millesime, Silver Mountain Water, Himalaya, Royal Water and Santal. Other well-respected scents available in a sample vial include Angel (Thierry Mugler), Burberry (Burberry), John Varvatos (John Varvatos) Santos De Cartier (Cartier) and The One (Dolce & Gabbana).

Here’s one final thought. If you select a special scent for your prom or formal, for the rest of your life that scent will bring back the memory of your special evening for both you and your date. It is a small investment that will deliver a high value not only during the evening itself but for years to come.

Related Post: Cologne for a Teenage Guy

We Now Discourage Our Daughter from Joining us for Church

2011-10-31T22:52:00.000-07:00

The non-religious may not be able to relate to this story immediately. But in the end it is not about religion but about good parenting. For those adults who have embraced faith of any kind, it is a something we would like to pass onto our children as a true gift. For non-religious parents, I trust there are many who have embraced a set of values they would likewise want to confer as perhaps the greatest gift they can give to their children.

While faith and values are important to parents, it is an easy leap of poor logic to overly associate faith or values too closely to a particular institution. In response, our family has developed the following core value:

“Healthy Religion is Faith Shared, not Faith Controlled.”

For us it is a subtle but important distinction. At risk of stating the seemingly obvious, there is supposed to be something “sacred” about a religious environment. And yet so many people have been deeply violated in religious environments. I’m not merely speaking about the scandals surrounding prominent religious leaders. I am also talking about the far more common and far more frequent everyday violations. In an environment that is supposed to be about not judging people, people are judged with far more scrutiny than almost anywhere else. In an environment where one is supposed to feel accepted more than anywhere else, people experience extremely vicious levels of rejection. The list of such contradictions could go on for several pages.

With all that said, it is time to focus on Chloe’s experience. We’ve been taking her along with us her entire life. But the other day we witnessed what it has been like for Chloe. The girls close to her age included daughters of friends, as well as these daughter’s friends from elsewhere.

The church youth went to a haunted house together. There were four other girls close to Chloe’s age that night. When the adults learned that kids had to enter the haunted house in groups of four, the girls were told to break up into a group of two and a group of three and to let other girls from the line in to form two groups of four. The four other girls insisted on going in together, requiring Chloe to go in with three strangers. While the adults insisted this was unacceptable, the four girls made every effort to dodge this adult directive to the point where they were going to enter the haunted house without Chloe when their group got to the head of the line.

The other four girls had formed a clique and it became clear to Amelia that the clique was committed to excluding Chloe. It was as if by excluding someone, the girls doing the excluding felt closer to one another. In contrast, Philip is liked and respected by his peers within the same group.

So what do we do? What would you do? As the girls get older, there is only so much control we can exercise and even less we should exercise. We’d like the young girls Chloe’s age to be accepting towards Chloe as well as any girl who might visit our religious environment. And yet there is something right about letting them choose their own group of friends and to put a social boundary around that group. It is normal and healthy. The problem is experiencing such exclusion has no place in a healthy religious experience.

We think this is where many parents go wrong introducing faith to their children. When the religious institution of the parents’ choice is not working for a particular child, the parents double their efforts into making the institution work for the child which only leads to greater dissatisfaction, if not outright violation. So what is the solution? We’ve concluded the solution is not to fix the other girls’ behaviors. Instead it is to encourage Chloe to find “shared faith” in an environment where she also is accepted. Given Chloe’s popularity at Hermes Middle School among multiple groups of girls and boys, we do not think this will be terribly difficult for her. But it will take some work and some parental support. We do not know how it will play out exactly. But for now, we want to discourage our daughter from experiencing faith in an environment where she is not eagerly welcomed and accepted.

The Lone Guy on the Cheer Squad

2011-10-31T19:30:00.000-07:00

The role is satirized in popular movies like Easy A and Fired Up as well as in SNL skits featuring Will Ferrell. One victory of the feminist revolution is the gender integration of school sports. Not only can a girl join the Varsity Football Team, but a guy can join the Varsity Cheer Squad. After one football season as the Hermes High School mascot, Philip was invited to officially join the school’s Cheer Squad so the school could fully integrate Nestor Hawk into the Cheer program.

Two years ago, we would never have possibly guessed Philip would want to join the Cheer Squad. It still seems so unlike him. Normally, he is private and cautious. This seems particularly not-private and not-cautious. But somehow, it has managed to both appeal to him and work for him. Standing over six feet tall but weighing less than one hundred thirty pounds, Philip is unfit for the football team. But the dance moves and gymnastics associated with the Cheer Squad make him uniquely suited as a guy who can add his talents to the group.

So how does a guy join the Cheer Squad and navigate the potential minefield? Not everyone qualifies and not everyone has the aptitude. But maybe it is all summed up in the attitude which is a mix of professionalism and the kind of disinterest only a teenager can effectively manifest. This attitude was perhaps best summed up when Philip told me he was not interested in an event at Charlotte’s house. “Dad, there’s going to be mostly girls and hardly any guys at Charlotte’s house. I’m kinda capped out on time with girls.” As I’ve observed him with the Cheer Squad, Philip always appears quite focused on the task at hand. And although there are plenty of hugs with the cheerleaders before and after game time, Philip never initiates a hug.

The program began in the summer and included a week at Cheer Camp. When he went off to Cheer Camp, he was the one guy on a bus with thirty-six girls. On Facebook he was teased about being in a position that would make many guys envious but he chose to neither delete nor reply to the comment. At the hotel, the girls grouped themselves four to a room, while Philip had a room all himself. Philip spent most of his days in a separate training program with mascots. While the mascot program was coed, it was still mostly girls. It was important to him to focus on the training before he focused on the social activities.

At the same time, it has also important for Philip to bond enough to become part of the team. There was a dress-up banquet one night at Cheer Camp so we made sure Philip had a sharp-looking semi-formal jacket to wear. While the girls were all in high heels and short formal dresses, Philip balanced his jacket with an untucked button-up shirt and jeans. He was just formal enough but he didn’t look like some girl had picked out his clothes either. Philip regularly wears his cheer T-shirt and hoodie, and beneath his Hawk feet, he wears the same dance shoes his girl-peers wear.

We’ve enjoyed watching Philip work his Nestor Hawk magic at sports events and rallies. Small children all want to go up and hug the Hawk and be lifted in the air. A hug line forms quickly between cheer routines, especially at home games. Occasionally, he joins the Cheerleaders for a half-time dance routine which is always a thrill. The Cheer season will continue into the basketball season during which Philip and the Cheerleaders will support both the Boys and Girls basketball teans. We look forward to more interesting performances and to seeing Philip’s role as Nestor Hawk evolve.

We Let Our Daughter Have a Boyfriend

2011-10-23T15:30:00.000-07:00

It has been over five weeks since Lars and Chloe stole away to sit on the bleachers together during a morning break from classes and Lars asked Chloe, “Will you go out with me?”

Their private and special moment was immediately interrupted by Katherine who suddenly found them sitting alone together. Perhaps Katherine sensed the awkwardness because she left reasonably quickly after a quick exchange with Chloe. After what must have seemed like an eternity to Lars, Chloe turned her attention back to him, looked him in the eye and said “Yes” with a cute grin and nod of the head. The two shared a smile but held back any laughter that might have arisen out of Katherine’s untimely interruption before they had to head back to class. But they left morning break officially a couple.

That morning on the bleachers with all of its awkwardness and anticipation will be a memory Chloe and Lars will each remember for decades to come. There is something special and magical about being very young and experiencing the first feelings of romantic love. At the same time there is a dark side associated with young adolescents pairing off so quickly and so decisively. It is the driver of so much parental worry as well as a potential wedge between early adolescents and their parents. Both Amelia and I have been confronted by the same words of shock and horror from multiple well-meaning peers, “You let your daughter have a boyfriend!?!”

The answer to this rhetorical question worded as a statement is “yes” and given the reactions we have had from so many quarters, I believe our “yes” deserves significant clarification as well as context. Parents have four main tools that they can use to control their children: prohibition, regulation, education and modeling.

PROHIBITION --> REGULATION --> EDUCATION --> MODELING

When children are very young, parental control happens at the left side of the above chart. The center of parental control moves to the right as children mature. Part of this movement to the right happens as a function of parental judgment and part of it is a force of nature. The most interesting and significant aspect of this chart is that as one moves to the right, the impact has both a greater delay and more longevity. Modeling has its greatest impact on teenagers when it has been exercised consistently from the beginning.

Leading up to her pairing with Lars, Chloe asked us a lot about relationships with boys. It gave us the opportunity not only to answer her explicit questions but also to speak on the subject broadly. We talked about what character qualities to value and what behaviors should alert her to danger. While we couldn’t model a middle school relationship ourselves, we were able to walk her through interpreting the relationships and relationship behaviors she observed among other young adolescents. But even before Chloe was interested in Lars or asking us about boys we were already talking to Chloe about what healthy relationships look like and what unhealthy relationships look like.

While other parents may forbid dating before a certain age, the most important thing for these parents to do is to teach their daughters and sons about healthy relationship skills beginning at an early age. Parents who use prohibition as the primary or only means of controlling adolescent nature find themselves using their weakest and least effective tool.

Chloe is not prohibited from having a boyfriend. And so far, we have not even needed to lay down any regulations, though that may come. Chloe and Lars have been on just one official “date” in the five weeks they have been a pair. They went out for a pizza lunch after a half day and were joined by Katherine. Otherwise Chloe and Lars have spent their morning breaks and lunches at Hermes Middle School splitting their time between one another and their respective friends. There has been no kiss or holding hands yet. Part of the reason is youthful caution. But another part is the absence of desperation or urgency. Chloe and Lars have both been content getting to know one another slowly. As a parent, I am particularly happy that the relationship is tame as a result of their choosing and not outside pressure.

Right now the lines of communication are open with Chloe. That doesn’t mean she has no privacy. But we talk to her about Lars quite a bit. We like the way he speaks with her. We like that he was comfortable having Katherine tag along for his first date with Chloe. We like that he is not in any hurry for his romance to get physical. We like that he plays sports and is non-disruptive in the classroom. Most of all, we are happy that Lars is Chloe’s choice.

The adolescent years are when childhood begins to give way toward adulthood. As parents we may be frightened by the possibility that our kids will not make good choices. It is tempting to cling to prohibition and regulation. And it is disconcerting that education and modeling have such a delayed effect. But that is why we started early. As parents we enjoy the benefit of greater peace of mind. And Chloe gets to enjoy the benefit of having a nice boyfriend.

Walking Between Classes with Boys

2011-09-30T23:30:00.000-07:00

Hermes Middle School is probably very similar to thousands of middle schools across the country and across the world. The young adolescents like Chloe and her friends are given all kinds of cues to tell them they are older and more mature than they were just a few months back in elementary school.

There is no playground equipment. Instead the school has outdoor sports fields next to the campus and an indoor gymnasium with a full basketball court. The kids change classes for different subjects and see a different set of peers in each class. Teachers do not escort students like they did in elementary school, and in general the number of rules and the strictness of those rules have been greatly relaxed.

However, the Middle School does introduce a set of rules that did not exist at the elementary school. These are rules to rein in developing adolescent urges. The dress code for girls is the most obvious. The school requires at least two finger-widths of fabric covering each shoulder. Undergarments and midriffs cannot show, and the list seems to go on and on. Additionally, there are rules that forbid public displays of affection such as holding hands.

And the rules seem to be arriving at just the right time. The developing romantic interests are indeed becoming common. Most but not all of Chloe’s friends really want to have a boyfriend. And there seem to be plenty of boys who have discovered they are interested in girls as well. While the interest may be large, few of Chloe’s peers of either gender have even the beginnings of relationship skills. And they seem to know it. The vast majority of boys seem to hide behind the handful of guys brave enough to hold a conversation with a girl. Occasionally, members of the nervous boy crowd will tease and say, “Is she your girlfriend?” Girls likewise seem to prefer the vicarious enjoyment over the actual experience. Whenever a boy and girl pair off in any way there seems to be a crowd of girls hovering around trying to get a word in with the same guy. For girls, perhaps only one in every twenty guys qualifies to be anyone's boyfriend. It is a case of many "crushing" on the same few.

A new student named Eddie moved to Hermes from the other side of the country. He seemed to catch the attention of Chloe’s entire peer group. Soon he was the lone boy sitting at the table with Chloe and a bunch of girls. The kids had to share computers and Stephanie was the first to act. “Do you want to share mine, Eddie?” And suddenly every girl present wished she had the idea before Stephanie as the two pulled close together in front of the computer screen.

Not long afterward, a different boy named Lars caught the attention of Chloe and her friends. At home, Chloe told me about getting to know Lars. Chloe and Lars shared their morning classes with one another and as the school year got under way, the two began walking together between classes. The found they were attracting a lot of attention from other kids. Boys would walk up to Lars and say “Is she your girlfriend?” Likewise, girls began to hover around them trying to find reasons to talk to Lars.

At some point, Lars got sick enough of the hovering boys and girls to do something brave. He whispered into Chloe’s ear and said “let’s ditch them.” They managed to scurry off but they only managed to leave a handful of their followers behind.

The next day when Lars suggested they ditch the others, Chloe was prepared. “Meet me at the bleachers,” she whispered back. And they pretended to go separate ways.

At the bleachers the two managed to earn a small time of privacy. And during that time as they shared their first few minutes alone at the bleachers Lars asked “Will you go out with me?" to Chloe.