By the end of sixth grade, Chloe, Katherine and Robbie seemed inseparable. While Chloe had many other friends, Katherine and Robbie were her primary friends. The summer seemed mainly focused on things they would be doing together. There were plenty of sleepovers along with campfires at Robbie’s house and horror movie nights at Katherine’s house. The girls were comfortable and the parents liked the friendships.
Showing posts with label Single Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Single Parenting. Show all posts
Friday, August 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
The Angry Divorced Father
In the Lacrosse Semi-Finals, Hermes faced Conquistador at the Cabrillo High School Stadium. Volunteers at the gate ensured there was a price for admission to keep up funding for the best high school stadium in the County.
I’m already looking forward to seeing Hermes face Conquistador next year. The team has a fantastic new coach as well as several great players who I once coached when they were tweens. Lastly, Philip’s friend Carson (who wasn’t eligible to play this season) will be back in gear as one of Conquistador’s top players. With this year’s game, we knew Hermes would slaughter Conquistador. Next year—with more than two thirds of the top players from Hermes graduating in a few weeks—will be a very different match-up.
I’m already looking forward to seeing Hermes face Conquistador next year. The team has a fantastic new coach as well as several great players who I once coached when they were tweens. Lastly, Philip’s friend Carson (who wasn’t eligible to play this season) will be back in gear as one of Conquistador’s top players. With this year’s game, we knew Hermes would slaughter Conquistador. Next year—with more than two thirds of the top players from Hermes graduating in a few weeks—will be a very different match-up.
Monday, April 30, 2012
It is Hard to Make Firm Plans With Middle Schoolers
Heather is progressively becoming a better friend to Chloe. Before the most recent Middle School dance this past Friday, Stephanie invited Chloe, Heather and just one other girl to put on makeup. Heather was also a Patty’s sleepover birthday party in December and Chloe’s Halloween party. But just a little over two weeks ago, a casual observer might have concluded that Chloe would never want to speak with Heather ever again.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Disparenting’s Impact on Friends and Friendships
Both Amelia and I like Jasmine’s Mother Rita and Katherine’s Father Jerry. But we have ultimately concluded that both Rita and Jerry have critical flaws in the way they parent. These flaws work themselves out in what I have come to call disparenting. And as Jasmine and Katherine trudge forward into adolescence, the fruit of various disparenting practices is becoming ever more pronounced. Poor life skills often result in poor marriage choices and relationship skills which lead to divorce and single-parenting. The stress and difficulty of single-parenting amplifies the negative impact of poor life skills. And once the kids begin to act out, the amplification can accelerate in a vicious cycle.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
The Toxic Allure of Tiger-Mothering (Part 3) Gender and Co-Parenting
It has now been two and half months since the Wall Street Journal published Amy Chua’s essay, Why Chinese Mothers are Superior. While there are many aspects of Chua’s parenting philosophy which deserve solid rebuttal, this post is solely focused on Chua’s gender bias. Her bias emerges immediately in the very title of her essay. It is not Chinese parents who are superior but Chinese mothers.
This is a charged subject for a number of reasons. To begin with, in nearly every two parent household, the division of parenting duties is never equal. And while I do not have any data in front of me, if one were to somehow measure parenting activity as divided between fathers and mothers, I have no doubt mothers (even working mothers) put in more hours of parenting activity than fathers. Second, not every child is raised by his or her father and mother. There are plenty of blended families, single-parent families, same-gender-parent families and other non-traditional families. Chloe has one friend from her basketball team for example who is being raised by her aunt and her grandfather. Advocates for womens’ rights, LGBT rights as well as those who advocate traditional family values would be quick contribute an opinion on this subject that could easily be inflammatory. So at risk of being inflammatory, myself, I am going to tackle this charged subject.
First, while gender differences are real, I believe those differences should never be artificially amplified. In contrast, I believe reasonable (but not ridiculous) efforts should be made to promote gender equality. As Amelia and I have been raising our eldest, Philip, and we have set rules and privileges for him, an important part in our decision-making process has been whether we would be willing to apply the same rules and privileges to Chloe when she reaches the same age. Whenever the answer was no, Amelia and I would normally continue deliberating until we came up with a plan in which the answer to that question was yes. In contrast, Chua’s rules state “Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school” rather than “Chinese kids cannot date until after high school.” The idea that the rules for girls should be stricter than the rules for boys (or vice versa) is both unfair and counter-productive even though for example high school girls may face greater threats on average than high school boys.
Second, I believe the healthiest family model in which a child can be raised is a single household that contains the child’s biological mother and father with any siblings from the same mother and father. That does not mean that I think the alternatives, even vastly different alternatives such as same-gender-parent households, are wrong. Instead I believe that parents who raise a child under a different model need to find ways to compensate. And my observation is most such parents not only compensate but do a good job compensating. Proactive single mothers and “two mom” families, for example, make extra effort to connect their sons and daughters with responsible, emotionally-healthy adult men. And the converse is true for single fathers and “two dad” families.
Finally, I believe values of both parents and the perspective of both genders should all play a material role in the parental decision-making process. For single parents and same-gender parents, getting at least one trusted adult advisor of the opposite gender is part of a responsible compensation plan, regardless of the child’s gender. While one parent (usually the mother) may put significantly more hours into parenting than the other, those same two parents need to collaborate more equally on the decision-making process of how to raise their child. In contrast, Chua feels completely comfortable and justified shutting out the man who is both her husband and her daughters’ father from both parenting activity and decision-making. Instead, Chua rolls her eyes and belittles her husband’s concerns when he voices them.
Chua accuses “western” parents of being lazy. But which takes more time, effort and thought: Making all the decisions oneself or genuinely involving another person? It is a rhetorical question, of course. The lazy parents are the ones who leave all the parental decision-making to just one parent. The lazy mother is the one who simply shuts her ears to her husband’s concerns rather than considering and even soliciting another perspective. The lazy mother (or father) does not want to take the time to work out a plan that brings out the best of all perspectives. If something is missing in a child’s life, responsible parents compensate while lazy parents merely follow their impulses. When dealing with the differences between teenage boys and teenage girls, lazy parents cannot be bothered with the effort it takes to promote gender equality. All this is to say good proactive parenting takes a lot of thought, reflection, work and most importantly interaction. Each child is unique enough that an inflexible set of rules like the ones Chua advocates can never be what is best; they can only be the easiest.
As I read Chua’s essay, I realize it is not merely the children of tiger-mothering who suffer and miss out. I feel very sorry for Chua’s husband and I also feel sorry for Amy Chua. While it has been a lot of work, the process of co-parenting with Amelia has been one of the most joyful parts of our relationship and it is something Chua and her husband will never know.
This is a charged subject for a number of reasons. To begin with, in nearly every two parent household, the division of parenting duties is never equal. And while I do not have any data in front of me, if one were to somehow measure parenting activity as divided between fathers and mothers, I have no doubt mothers (even working mothers) put in more hours of parenting activity than fathers. Second, not every child is raised by his or her father and mother. There are plenty of blended families, single-parent families, same-gender-parent families and other non-traditional families. Chloe has one friend from her basketball team for example who is being raised by her aunt and her grandfather. Advocates for womens’ rights, LGBT rights as well as those who advocate traditional family values would be quick contribute an opinion on this subject that could easily be inflammatory. So at risk of being inflammatory, myself, I am going to tackle this charged subject.
First, while gender differences are real, I believe those differences should never be artificially amplified. In contrast, I believe reasonable (but not ridiculous) efforts should be made to promote gender equality. As Amelia and I have been raising our eldest, Philip, and we have set rules and privileges for him, an important part in our decision-making process has been whether we would be willing to apply the same rules and privileges to Chloe when she reaches the same age. Whenever the answer was no, Amelia and I would normally continue deliberating until we came up with a plan in which the answer to that question was yes. In contrast, Chua’s rules state “Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school” rather than “Chinese kids cannot date until after high school.” The idea that the rules for girls should be stricter than the rules for boys (or vice versa) is both unfair and counter-productive even though for example high school girls may face greater threats on average than high school boys.
Second, I believe the healthiest family model in which a child can be raised is a single household that contains the child’s biological mother and father with any siblings from the same mother and father. That does not mean that I think the alternatives, even vastly different alternatives such as same-gender-parent households, are wrong. Instead I believe that parents who raise a child under a different model need to find ways to compensate. And my observation is most such parents not only compensate but do a good job compensating. Proactive single mothers and “two mom” families, for example, make extra effort to connect their sons and daughters with responsible, emotionally-healthy adult men. And the converse is true for single fathers and “two dad” families.
Finally, I believe values of both parents and the perspective of both genders should all play a material role in the parental decision-making process. For single parents and same-gender parents, getting at least one trusted adult advisor of the opposite gender is part of a responsible compensation plan, regardless of the child’s gender. While one parent (usually the mother) may put significantly more hours into parenting than the other, those same two parents need to collaborate more equally on the decision-making process of how to raise their child. In contrast, Chua feels completely comfortable and justified shutting out the man who is both her husband and her daughters’ father from both parenting activity and decision-making. Instead, Chua rolls her eyes and belittles her husband’s concerns when he voices them.
Chua accuses “western” parents of being lazy. But which takes more time, effort and thought: Making all the decisions oneself or genuinely involving another person? It is a rhetorical question, of course. The lazy parents are the ones who leave all the parental decision-making to just one parent. The lazy mother is the one who simply shuts her ears to her husband’s concerns rather than considering and even soliciting another perspective. The lazy mother (or father) does not want to take the time to work out a plan that brings out the best of all perspectives. If something is missing in a child’s life, responsible parents compensate while lazy parents merely follow their impulses. When dealing with the differences between teenage boys and teenage girls, lazy parents cannot be bothered with the effort it takes to promote gender equality. All this is to say good proactive parenting takes a lot of thought, reflection, work and most importantly interaction. Each child is unique enough that an inflexible set of rules like the ones Chua advocates can never be what is best; they can only be the easiest.
As I read Chua’s essay, I realize it is not merely the children of tiger-mothering who suffer and miss out. I feel very sorry for Chua’s husband and I also feel sorry for Amy Chua. While it has been a lot of work, the process of co-parenting with Amelia has been one of the most joyful parts of our relationship and it is something Chua and her husband will never know.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Kids and Their Parents' Finances
I was roughly the age Philip is today. I was home from school when my mother came home early from work. “There’s something I need to tell you,” she said. “I’ve lost my job.”
We were a single parent family: Just me and my mother. We lived in a small apartment in an upscale East Coast town. The recession at the beginning of the Reagan administration had begun and the economic fallout had forced my mother’s employer to cut staff. We had fixed financial support from my father and his family, but our income had just been cut in half. Savings? Yeah, right. And with the market being down, things looked grim.
I’m certain my mother felt all kinds of pressure in that down economy. Who wouldn’t? But somehow I never felt it. As a child and as an adolescent, my happiness did not depend upon how big the paycheck was. When I speak with peers who had bad experiences as a result of their parents' finances, it was never about the lack of money. The bad experiences were the anger and rage and/or the withdrawal and depression.
Today there is a new recession looming. I'm giving myself a fifty percent chance I'll be among the unemployed before the week is out. With that, our family will take a 75% hit to our income. And we're still recovering financially from the post 9-11 recession. We're hardly alone. The parents of Chloe's friend Samantha were over the other evening. We'd always considered them wealthier than us, given their vehicles and their clothes. But all of it was at least four years old. We learned Samantha's father's business had earned close to nothing these past four years. Their savings were completely drained. Their recent move from an upscale development in Hermes was not to a bigger home, but instead to the home of an elderly relative where they are now renting space. Samantha's father was particularly demoralized that evening. And her mom was feeling the weight too. We told them about our looming situation — which truly doesn't come close to theirs. We talked about our concern for the kids. And that is when Samantha's mom and dad set us straight.
Samantha and her siblings have been fine. It is just the parents who are suffering. They are suffering quietly. When they left the upscale home for shared space in an older, smaller home away from neighbors with whom the kids could play, all the kids could say was, "Mom! This house has a tire swing!" When the elderly relative got sick, their high-school-age daughter spent several hours a week taking care of him. Not only did that save the family the cost of a home health aid, but it also allowed the teenage daughter more quality time with the elderly man than the rest of her life beforehand. The kids — Samantha's parents report — are just as happy as they were before the finances collapsed. Their grades in school are just as good as they had been. And they enjoy their friends just as much as ever.
At the time of this writing, I do not know what this week will bring. But Samantha's parents have helped me to be ready for the worst. Back during Reagan's presidency, my mother quickly found a better job. And admittedly, there is one company with which I have already been interviewing that may have a better job for me. But nothing is certain. I could find myself employed at the end of the week, or I could be among the unemployed. The company with the better job might extend me an offer. Or it might not. This recession could prove uneventful for us. Or it could be a long difficult road. Like Samantha's family, we have options. Houses don't sell in this recession, but they do rent. We could rent out our spare room. Or we could rent out our whole house and move into a small apartment. My wife could increase her hours at her part time job, and I've had some success before getting short term consulting assignments while between jobs.
I'm choosing to be optimistic. It keeps me at my best with the kids. And as long as I stay that way, the kids will never care whether or not I'm gainfully employed. Either way, I plan to spend a lot more time with Samantha's dad. Some day his business will recover. And some day (hopefully for the rest of 2009 or at least most of it) I’ll be gainfully employed.
As for the kids, my goal is they won’t need to recover from anything. I didn’t when I was that age.
We were a single parent family: Just me and my mother. We lived in a small apartment in an upscale East Coast town. The recession at the beginning of the Reagan administration had begun and the economic fallout had forced my mother’s employer to cut staff. We had fixed financial support from my father and his family, but our income had just been cut in half. Savings? Yeah, right. And with the market being down, things looked grim.
I’m certain my mother felt all kinds of pressure in that down economy. Who wouldn’t? But somehow I never felt it. As a child and as an adolescent, my happiness did not depend upon how big the paycheck was. When I speak with peers who had bad experiences as a result of their parents' finances, it was never about the lack of money. The bad experiences were the anger and rage and/or the withdrawal and depression.
Today there is a new recession looming. I'm giving myself a fifty percent chance I'll be among the unemployed before the week is out. With that, our family will take a 75% hit to our income. And we're still recovering financially from the post 9-11 recession. We're hardly alone. The parents of Chloe's friend Samantha were over the other evening. We'd always considered them wealthier than us, given their vehicles and their clothes. But all of it was at least four years old. We learned Samantha's father's business had earned close to nothing these past four years. Their savings were completely drained. Their recent move from an upscale development in Hermes was not to a bigger home, but instead to the home of an elderly relative where they are now renting space. Samantha's father was particularly demoralized that evening. And her mom was feeling the weight too. We told them about our looming situation — which truly doesn't come close to theirs. We talked about our concern for the kids. And that is when Samantha's mom and dad set us straight.
Samantha and her siblings have been fine. It is just the parents who are suffering. They are suffering quietly. When they left the upscale home for shared space in an older, smaller home away from neighbors with whom the kids could play, all the kids could say was, "Mom! This house has a tire swing!" When the elderly relative got sick, their high-school-age daughter spent several hours a week taking care of him. Not only did that save the family the cost of a home health aid, but it also allowed the teenage daughter more quality time with the elderly man than the rest of her life beforehand. The kids — Samantha's parents report — are just as happy as they were before the finances collapsed. Their grades in school are just as good as they had been. And they enjoy their friends just as much as ever.
At the time of this writing, I do not know what this week will bring. But Samantha's parents have helped me to be ready for the worst. Back during Reagan's presidency, my mother quickly found a better job. And admittedly, there is one company with which I have already been interviewing that may have a better job for me. But nothing is certain. I could find myself employed at the end of the week, or I could be among the unemployed. The company with the better job might extend me an offer. Or it might not. This recession could prove uneventful for us. Or it could be a long difficult road. Like Samantha's family, we have options. Houses don't sell in this recession, but they do rent. We could rent out our spare room. Or we could rent out our whole house and move into a small apartment. My wife could increase her hours at her part time job, and I've had some success before getting short term consulting assignments while between jobs.
I'm choosing to be optimistic. It keeps me at my best with the kids. And as long as I stay that way, the kids will never care whether or not I'm gainfully employed. Either way, I plan to spend a lot more time with Samantha's dad. Some day his business will recover. And some day (hopefully for the rest of 2009 or at least most of it) I’ll be gainfully employed.
As for the kids, my goal is they won’t need to recover from anything. I didn’t when I was that age.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
The Friend at Our Kitchen Table
When my wife Amelia went into the hospital for spinal surgery in January 2006, we discovered what a caring community we had here in Hermes. Between the neighborhood, our church and Amelia’s book club, Amelia enjoyed no shortage of friendly visits in her hospital room, and I barely noticed the fact that there was one less adult in our home. Depending on the day, my refrigerator was stocked with anywhere between two and four days worth of meals prepared and delivered by our community of friends. On top of that, Philip and Chloe had all the rides they needed to and from school, sports and other kid events and a nice family to stay with until I was able to pick them up.
The biggest contributor to the aid given our family was Rita. We knew Rita because she ran our community gardening club, but before Amelia’s surgery was scheduled we had considered Rita on the periphery of our community of friends. That changed rather quickly. Rita not only joined the ranks of the many who prepared a meal, she also became our kids’ primary ride to and from school, plus normally kept them at her home until I was able to pick them up. The evening right after Amelia’s surgery, she and her husband hosted me and my kids for dinner. Over the course of my wife’s hospital stay and recovery, we all became great friends. Then the awkward moment came.
The kids’ summer vacation had just begun and we had invited Rita’s kids to play with our kids that day. Amelia was out on one of her first post-surgery shopping trips when the doorbell rang and Rita was at the door with her kids. Within moments a flow of four kids moved from the front of our house to the back yard. Still standing at our front door with Rita, I began the usual chit-chat before working out the logistics of when and how she’d get her kids back, but then she changed the subject. “There’s something I need to tell you,” she began. “Last night my husband informed me that he no longer loved me, that he was leaving me, and that he would be filing for divorce shortly.”
I was stunned by the news. I took in and let out an audible deep breath. “I’m so sorry. Would you like to come in and chat for a while? I’ve just put on a fresh pot of coffee and Amelia should be back from grocery shopping any minute.”
“That sounds really nice right now.” So we closed the front door and she followed me back into the kitchen. Rita was and still is cute, smart, thin, sensitive, full of energy and always has interesting things to talk about. Admittedly, I felt a little tension being alone in my kitchen with a beautiful, distraught and technically no longer attached woman I’d come to care about. I did my best to relax and just let her just talk. Within ten minutes, Amelia was home. I let Rita tell Amelia everything I’d just heard while I brought the groceries in and put them away. I boiled water for Amelia to enjoy some tea. Rita’s second cup was tea as well. I sat down with what had been left in the coffee pot and the three of us talked for about two hours with Rita doing the bulk of the talking.
In the months that followed, we learned Rita’s husband executed every venomous act that can be tossed into the divorce process. He filed a restraining order. He demanded his wife take a psychological exam. He pursued full custody and made every effort to provide as little financial support as possible, though prior to separation, he had urged his wife not to pursue employment. According to Rita, there was one good thing. He had become much more active in the kids’ lives.
Fast forward two and a half years. Thanksgiving 2008 was just a few days ago. Our family was taking a long break between the turkey that had filled us and the pumpkin pie we didn’t want yet. I was upstairs when the doorbell rang. It was Rita. She had an opportunity to work the following day and was wondering if we could watch her two kids. Amelia had the day off and they had just worked out the details as I headed down the stairs. She looked up at me. “Do you have a good command of financial stuff?”
“No,” I said, not feeling comfortable discussing investment options.
“I need to refinance the house once it is mine,” she said.
“We just refinanced. That I can help you with. Do you want to sit down and chat with us in the kitchen while the kids play?”
The three of us were back together in the kitchen. Rita was distraught again. This time it was over her finances, instead of her marriage. It was awkward asking her questions about her income and debt situation. It was even more awkward hearing her answers and then speaking to her plainly about what her answers would mean to a financial institution. Divorce, as almost everyone knows, is a financial disaster.
Earlier that day we had promised to play a board game with Philip after dessert. We invited Rita and her kids to join us for dessert and the board game. They accepted, but Chloe and Rita’s daughter wanted to play upstairs. Two hours later Rita’s son had won the board game and her daughter didn’t want to go home to bed.
Having read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, I know the leading predictor of divorce is evidence of contempt. We’re teaching Philip and Chloe not to ever indulge the temptation to feel contempt. We’re also teaching them to have no tolerance toward those who exhibit contempt toward them or their friends. It is amazing how many young adolescent girls at Philip’s school have already developed the habit of freely exhibiting contempt toward their boy-peers.
Today, Rita can look back objectively and see the early warning signs. “Shortly after we started dating, he told me straight out, ‘Don’t you ever cross me. If you ever cross me, I will pay you back with double.’"
“You stayed with him after he said that?” was Amelia’s reply.
“I should have known better,” said Rita soberly.
Rita is cute, smart, thin, sensitive, full of energy and always has interesting things to talk about. If anyone can repair her finances, find an emotionally healthy romance and teach her kids to do likewise from the get-go, Rita can. Meanwhile, we’ll always remember Rita’s help when we were in need, and our kitchen table will always be available.
The biggest contributor to the aid given our family was Rita. We knew Rita because she ran our community gardening club, but before Amelia’s surgery was scheduled we had considered Rita on the periphery of our community of friends. That changed rather quickly. Rita not only joined the ranks of the many who prepared a meal, she also became our kids’ primary ride to and from school, plus normally kept them at her home until I was able to pick them up. The evening right after Amelia’s surgery, she and her husband hosted me and my kids for dinner. Over the course of my wife’s hospital stay and recovery, we all became great friends. Then the awkward moment came.
The kids’ summer vacation had just begun and we had invited Rita’s kids to play with our kids that day. Amelia was out on one of her first post-surgery shopping trips when the doorbell rang and Rita was at the door with her kids. Within moments a flow of four kids moved from the front of our house to the back yard. Still standing at our front door with Rita, I began the usual chit-chat before working out the logistics of when and how she’d get her kids back, but then she changed the subject. “There’s something I need to tell you,” she began. “Last night my husband informed me that he no longer loved me, that he was leaving me, and that he would be filing for divorce shortly.”
I was stunned by the news. I took in and let out an audible deep breath. “I’m so sorry. Would you like to come in and chat for a while? I’ve just put on a fresh pot of coffee and Amelia should be back from grocery shopping any minute.”
“That sounds really nice right now.” So we closed the front door and she followed me back into the kitchen. Rita was and still is cute, smart, thin, sensitive, full of energy and always has interesting things to talk about. Admittedly, I felt a little tension being alone in my kitchen with a beautiful, distraught and technically no longer attached woman I’d come to care about. I did my best to relax and just let her just talk. Within ten minutes, Amelia was home. I let Rita tell Amelia everything I’d just heard while I brought the groceries in and put them away. I boiled water for Amelia to enjoy some tea. Rita’s second cup was tea as well. I sat down with what had been left in the coffee pot and the three of us talked for about two hours with Rita doing the bulk of the talking.
In the months that followed, we learned Rita’s husband executed every venomous act that can be tossed into the divorce process. He filed a restraining order. He demanded his wife take a psychological exam. He pursued full custody and made every effort to provide as little financial support as possible, though prior to separation, he had urged his wife not to pursue employment. According to Rita, there was one good thing. He had become much more active in the kids’ lives.
Fast forward two and a half years. Thanksgiving 2008 was just a few days ago. Our family was taking a long break between the turkey that had filled us and the pumpkin pie we didn’t want yet. I was upstairs when the doorbell rang. It was Rita. She had an opportunity to work the following day and was wondering if we could watch her two kids. Amelia had the day off and they had just worked out the details as I headed down the stairs. She looked up at me. “Do you have a good command of financial stuff?”
“No,” I said, not feeling comfortable discussing investment options.
“I need to refinance the house once it is mine,” she said.
“We just refinanced. That I can help you with. Do you want to sit down and chat with us in the kitchen while the kids play?”
The three of us were back together in the kitchen. Rita was distraught again. This time it was over her finances, instead of her marriage. It was awkward asking her questions about her income and debt situation. It was even more awkward hearing her answers and then speaking to her plainly about what her answers would mean to a financial institution. Divorce, as almost everyone knows, is a financial disaster.
Earlier that day we had promised to play a board game with Philip after dessert. We invited Rita and her kids to join us for dessert and the board game. They accepted, but Chloe and Rita’s daughter wanted to play upstairs. Two hours later Rita’s son had won the board game and her daughter didn’t want to go home to bed.
Having read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, I know the leading predictor of divorce is evidence of contempt. We’re teaching Philip and Chloe not to ever indulge the temptation to feel contempt. We’re also teaching them to have no tolerance toward those who exhibit contempt toward them or their friends. It is amazing how many young adolescent girls at Philip’s school have already developed the habit of freely exhibiting contempt toward their boy-peers.
Today, Rita can look back objectively and see the early warning signs. “Shortly after we started dating, he told me straight out, ‘Don’t you ever cross me. If you ever cross me, I will pay you back with double.’"
“You stayed with him after he said that?” was Amelia’s reply.
“I should have known better,” said Rita soberly.
Rita is cute, smart, thin, sensitive, full of energy and always has interesting things to talk about. If anyone can repair her finances, find an emotionally healthy romance and teach her kids to do likewise from the get-go, Rita can. Meanwhile, we’ll always remember Rita’s help when we were in need, and our kitchen table will always be available.
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