It has now been two and half months since the Wall Street Journal published Amy Chua’s essay, Why Chinese Mothers are Superior. While there are many aspects of Chua’s parenting philosophy which deserve solid rebuttal, this post is solely focused on Chua’s gender bias. Her bias emerges immediately in the very title of her essay. It is not Chinese parents who are superior but Chinese mothers.
This is a charged subject for a number of reasons. To begin with, in nearly every two parent household, the division of parenting duties is never equal. And while I do not have any data in front of me, if one were to somehow measure parenting activity as divided between fathers and mothers, I have no doubt mothers (even working mothers) put in more hours of parenting activity than fathers. Second, not every child is raised by his or her father and mother. There are plenty of blended families, single-parent families, same-gender-parent families and other non-traditional families. Chloe has one friend from her basketball team for example who is being raised by her aunt and her grandfather. Advocates for womens’ rights, LGBT rights as well as those who advocate traditional family values would be quick contribute an opinion on this subject that could easily be inflammatory. So at risk of being inflammatory, myself, I am going to tackle this charged subject.
First, while gender differences are real, I believe those differences should never be artificially amplified. In contrast, I believe reasonable (but not ridiculous) efforts should be made to promote gender equality. As Amelia and I have been raising our eldest, Philip, and we have set rules and privileges for him, an important part in our decision-making process has been whether we would be willing to apply the same rules and privileges to Chloe when she reaches the same age. Whenever the answer was no, Amelia and I would normally continue deliberating until we came up with a plan in which the answer to that question was yes. In contrast, Chua’s rules state “Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school” rather than “Chinese kids cannot date until after high school.” The idea that the rules for girls should be stricter than the rules for boys (or vice versa) is both unfair and counter-productive even though for example high school girls may face greater threats on average than high school boys.
Second, I believe the healthiest family model in which a child can be raised is a single household that contains the child’s biological mother and father with any siblings from the same mother and father. That does not mean that I think the alternatives, even vastly different alternatives such as same-gender-parent households, are wrong. Instead I believe that parents who raise a child under a different model need to find ways to compensate. And my observation is most such parents not only compensate but do a good job compensating. Proactive single mothers and “two mom” families, for example, make extra effort to connect their sons and daughters with responsible, emotionally-healthy adult men. And the converse is true for single fathers and “two dad” families.
Finally, I believe values of both parents and the perspective of both genders should all play a material role in the parental decision-making process. For single parents and same-gender parents, getting at least one trusted adult advisor of the opposite gender is part of a responsible compensation plan, regardless of the child’s gender. While one parent (usually the mother) may put significantly more hours into parenting than the other, those same two parents need to collaborate more equally on the decision-making process of how to raise their child. In contrast, Chua feels completely comfortable and justified shutting out the man who is both her husband and her daughters’ father from both parenting activity and decision-making. Instead, Chua rolls her eyes and belittles her husband’s concerns when he voices them.
Chua accuses “western” parents of being lazy. But which takes more time, effort and thought: Making all the decisions oneself or genuinely involving another person? It is a rhetorical question, of course. The lazy parents are the ones who leave all the parental decision-making to just one parent. The lazy mother is the one who simply shuts her ears to her husband’s concerns rather than considering and even soliciting another perspective. The lazy mother (or father) does not want to take the time to work out a plan that brings out the best of all perspectives. If something is missing in a child’s life, responsible parents compensate while lazy parents merely follow their impulses. When dealing with the differences between teenage boys and teenage girls, lazy parents cannot be bothered with the effort it takes to promote gender equality. All this is to say good proactive parenting takes a lot of thought, reflection, work and most importantly interaction. Each child is unique enough that an inflexible set of rules like the ones Chua advocates can never be what is best; they can only be the easiest.
As I read Chua’s essay, I realize it is not merely the children of tiger-mothering who suffer and miss out. I feel very sorry for Chua’s husband and I also feel sorry for Amy Chua. While it has been a lot of work, the process of co-parenting with Amelia has been one of the most joyful parts of our relationship and it is something Chua and her husband will never know.
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