The Friend at Our Kitchen Table

When my wife Amelia went into the hospital for spinal surgery in January 2006, we discovered what a caring community we had here in Hermes. Between the neighborhood, our church and Amelia’s book club, Amelia enjoyed no shortage of friendly visits in her hospital room, and I barely noticed the fact that there was one less adult in our home. Depending on the day, my refrigerator was stocked with anywhere between two and four days worth of meals prepared and delivered by our community of friends. On top of that, Philip and Chloe had all the rides they needed to and from school, sports and other kid events and a nice family to stay with until I was able to pick them up.

The biggest contributor to the aid given our family was Rita. We knew Rita because she ran our community gardening club, but before Amelia’s surgery was scheduled we had considered Rita on the periphery of our community of friends. That changed rather quickly. Rita not only joined the ranks of the many who prepared a meal, she also became our kids’ primary ride to and from school, plus normally kept them at her home until I was able to pick them up. The evening right after Amelia’s surgery, she and her husband hosted me and my kids for dinner. Over the course of my wife’s hospital stay and recovery, we all became great friends. Then the awkward moment came.

The kids’ summer vacation had just begun and we had invited Rita’s kids to play with our kids that day. Amelia was out on one of her first post-surgery shopping trips when the doorbell rang and Rita was at the door with her kids. Within moments a flow of four kids moved from the front of our house to the back yard. Still standing at our front door with Rita, I began the usual chit-chat before working out the logistics of when and how she’d get her kids back, but then she changed the subject. “There’s something I need to tell you,” she began. “Last night my husband informed me that he no longer loved me, that he was leaving me, and that he would be filing for divorce shortly.”

I was stunned by the news. I took in and let out an audible deep breath. “I’m so sorry. Would you like to come in and chat for a while? I’ve just put on a fresh pot of coffee and Amelia should be back from grocery shopping any minute.”

“That sounds really nice right now.” So we closed the front door and she followed me back into the kitchen. Rita was and still is cute, smart, thin, sensitive, full of energy and always has interesting things to talk about. Admittedly, I felt a little tension being alone in my kitchen with a beautiful, distraught and technically no longer attached woman I’d come to care about. I did my best to relax and just let her just talk. Within ten minutes, Amelia was home. I let Rita tell Amelia everything I’d just heard while I brought the groceries in and put them away. I boiled water for Amelia to enjoy some tea. Rita’s second cup was tea as well. I sat down with what had been left in the coffee pot and the three of us talked for about two hours with Rita doing the bulk of the talking.

In the months that followed, we learned Rita’s husband executed every venomous act that can be tossed into the divorce process. He filed a restraining order. He demanded his wife take a psychological exam. He pursued full custody and made every effort to provide as little financial support as possible, though prior to separation, he had urged his wife not to pursue employment. According to Rita, there was one good thing. He had become much more active in the kids’ lives.

Fast forward two and a half years. Thanksgiving 2008 was just a few days ago. Our family was taking a long break between the turkey that had filled us and the pumpkin pie we didn’t want yet. I was upstairs when the doorbell rang. It was Rita. She had an opportunity to work the following day and was wondering if we could watch her two kids. Amelia had the day off and they had just worked out the details as I headed down the stairs. She looked up at me. “Do you have a good command of financial stuff?”

“No,” I said, not feeling comfortable discussing investment options.

“I need to refinance the house once it is mine,” she said.

“We just refinanced. That I can help you with. Do you want to sit down and chat with us in the kitchen while the kids play?”

The three of us were back together in the kitchen. Rita was distraught again. This time it was over her finances, instead of her marriage. It was awkward asking her questions about her income and debt situation. It was even more awkward hearing her answers and then speaking to her plainly about what her answers would mean to a financial institution. Divorce, as almost everyone knows, is a financial disaster.

Earlier that day we had promised to play a board game with Philip after dessert. We invited Rita and her kids to join us for dessert and the board game. They accepted, but Chloe and Rita’s daughter wanted to play upstairs. Two hours later Rita’s son had won the board game and her daughter didn’t want to go home to bed.

Having read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, I know the leading predictor of divorce is evidence of contempt. We’re teaching Philip and Chloe not to ever indulge the temptation to feel contempt. We’re also teaching them to have no tolerance toward those who exhibit contempt toward them or their friends. It is amazing how many young adolescent girls at Philip’s school have already developed the habit of freely exhibiting contempt toward their boy-peers.

Today, Rita can look back objectively and see the early warning signs. “Shortly after we started dating, he told me straight out, ‘Don’t you ever cross me. If you ever cross me, I will pay you back with double.’"

“You stayed with him after he said that?” was Amelia’s reply.

“I should have known better,” said Rita soberly.

Rita is cute, smart, thin, sensitive, full of energy and always has interesting things to talk about. If anyone can repair her finances, find an emotionally healthy romance and teach her kids to do likewise from the get-go, Rita can. Meanwhile, we’ll always remember Rita’s help when we were in need, and our kitchen table will always be available.