My son Philip had his first formal dance at the end of June 2008. He wanted to bring a girl-peer as his guest. No romance, but this would definitely be his first date. Nonetheless the prospect of making the date happen had Philip nervous and uncertain as any current or former teen can certainly relate. Adding to the difficulty was the fact that none of the girl-peers on his shortlist went to Oak Hills Charter School with him. Most were at Hermes Middle School where he’d been the previous year for sixth grade. The one exception was Ashley, the daughter of his mom’s best friend. (Ashley lived in San Geraldo where our family had lived prior to moving to Hermes.)
As my wife and I discussed the upcoming dance with our son that spring, I related the story of Ken and Marla from my own teen years and told Philip that if he wanted help securing a date for the dance, his mom and I would provide any reasonable help he needed. I remember his words well, “I definitely want help.” We also gave Philip a lesson in etiquette. He could only ask one girl-peer from Hermes Middle School. If that girl said no, another girl-peer from the same school could not be his second choice, especially since the four HMS girls on his shortlist were all good friends.
It is worth noting here that Philip did have some degree of encouragement from his HMS girl-peers. Each girl-peer on his shortlist had asked him to slow dance a year before at the second dance of his sixth grade year and each had accepted his invitation to slow dance a second time at the third and final dance that same year. Philip’s mom and I recommended he ask Jocelyn, whom we had observed was the most socially confident young lady on his shortlist. Jocelyn had been the first girl to ask Philip to slow dance the year before. Instead, Philip felt Charlotte, the second girl to ask Philip to slow dance, would be the one who would most enjoy a formal dance.
Television and movies normally have an older brother provide the guidance I gave to Philip, but that role was mine in our family, and it is my humble opinion more parents should play a role in assisting their rapidly maturing sons and daughters through this awkward process. With Philip’s agreement to the plan, I called Charlotte’s dad who I’d never met before. The goal of the call was to give Charlotte’s parents the opportunity to:
- ask any questions about the dance,
- give their veto before Philip even broached the idea with Charlotte,
- check to see if Charlotte had any schedule conflicts,
- impose their rules upon Philip from the very beginning, and
- speak with Charlotte beforehand about Philip’s dance.
One phone call and an email trade later, Charlotte’s parents were satisfied and had given their approval for Philip to ask and for Charlotte to be his date if she wanted to join him. But Charlotte’s parents had chosen not to give Charlotte any advance warning. They wanted Philip to call her on the telephone, explain why he was calling and officially ask her.
That evening, I helped Philip compose a script that included his introduction and intended answers to all the questions he and I could anticipate Charlotte asking. The following evening, Philip telephoned Charlotte behind closed doors. When Philip emerged from his room, he told us Charlotte had told him she would talk to her parents about the dance and call him back.
The several day wait that followed seemed endless. The morning of day seven, I emailed Charlotte’s dad. It being almost a week now, Philip is concerned Charlotte is either nervous, undecided or both. Are you OK with Philip retaking the initiative and calling again if Charlotte does not call back by tomorrow? Her dad wrote back confirming our suspicions.
I talked to Charlotte last night asking her if she has gotten back to Philip; she hasn't. I told her that she needed to get back to him soon because it is a "big deal" for a guy to get the nerve up to ask a girl to a dance. I am OK with Philip following up. Charlotte is nervous, undecided, and not sure how she will feel not knowing anyone else at the dance. In short Philip will have to pursue Charlotte. At this time I don't know what her decision will be.
Memories of my years at a mostly boys, recently coed private school came back. For me, many potential dates for my school dances attending other schools declined with the words, “I won’t know anyone there other than you.” Philip had one advantage I never had. His dance was not with Oak Hills Charter School, but was instead sponsored by an enterprising college offering dances targeting teens whose schools did not have their own dances. Anticipating the concern Charlotte’s dad had warned us was coming, we updated Philip’s script that evening. He would offer Charlotte the opportunity to bring friends along—up to one girl and one boy. He could also offer to have her parents come along as observers. I also sent a short reply to Charlotte’s dad relaying those same possible solutions.
Charlotte called just before 9:00 PM that evening. I picked up the phone and the Caller ID revealed her identity. Philip was engaged telling a funny story to his sister while she was brushing her teeth. I couldn’t get his attention to answer the phone himself, so I answered, “Hello.”
“Hi. Can I speak with Philip?” The voice was more coy and high-pitched than I had expected. She sounded roughly half her actual age.
“Sure. Let me get him for you,” and I put the phone down gently. In hindsight, I should have asked her if Philip could call her right back. Philip was now even more animated relating his funny story to his adoring and giggling younger sister. I took hold of his shoulders from behind to secure his attention.
“Charlotte is on the phone.” It took more than a second to register.
“Oh … uh … where’s the phone?” I brought him the phone. “Hello.” Pause. “Hi Charlotte!” There was long pause during which we later confirmed she expressed her concerns about not knowing anyone at the dance other than Philip. “So you’re saying no.” So much for the script, I thought. There was an even longer pause. “So you’re saying no.” Yes. He forgot his script. But next time, he’ll be more experienced and better prepared. The next pause was shorter. “OK … well … bye.”
Philip did not take Charlotte to his dance. Instead he took Ashley. No romance, but it was definitely his first date. And it is a story that deserves its own post.
No comments:
Post a Comment