Sensitive Topics

Do you trust your 13-year-old’s ability to judge for himself or herself the content of a book that discusses one or more sensitive topics like teen sex? Many parents of 13-year-olds do not. I’m pleased to say I trust my 13-year-old son in that regard. The other day I gave my son the library copy of The Teenage Guy’s Survival Guide by Jeremy Daldry.

Does that mean I would give him any book that covers such topics to read? No. If I hand my young teenage son a book covering one or more sensitive topics, I communicate a degree of implicit agreement and approval.

Does that mean I would only give him books with which I am in substantial agreement when it comes to sensitive topics? No it doesn’t. The best way to communicate my values to my son is to talk to him about those values myself. And the content of a book can be what launches that discussion. But I still want to be careful about what I give him. Below is my “selection criteria” for such books.

1. The subject matter is maturity appropriate. Some 13-year-olds show no evidence of entering puberty, walk around the house with toys in their hands and still think the opposite gender is boring at best. For those 13-year-olds, there is no point in giving them a book like The Teenage Guy’s Survival Guide.
2. The content is mainstream. In other words, my son is going to hear these perspectives that differ from mine anyway—unless I keep him in a bubble all his life. Better to let his exposure to these ideas come at the time and venue of my choosing, rather than someone else’s.
3. Arguments are non-manipulative. The controversy over the legality of abortion is a case in point. Too many works either accuse members of the pro-life camp of wanting to strip women of their freedom and equality, or accuse members of the pro-choice camp of wanting as many abortions as possible. While in a world of billions I’m sure there are at least a few people who think these ways, I’ve certainly never met any. Instead the true debate is a tension between differing and strongly-held values regarding what constitutes civil rights and human dignity. I have no interest in letting anyone—whether I agree with them or not—try to shame or bully my son into agreement.

When I handed Dalty’s book to my son, I merely said, "I do not completely agree with this author's perspective on every issue, but I trust you to think about the content of this book intelligently. And we can talk about some of the more sensitive stuff later." What are the sensitive topics? There are four: Teen sex, homosexuality, masturbation and pornography.

Most parents have a strong opinion on most if not all of these issues. In each case, Daldry discusses teens engaging in such activities in a way that sounds non-judgmental, but often contains valid warnings. With pornography for example, he gives the following warnings.

1. It is illegal for teens to purchase pornography.
2. Most women (especially moms) will react negatively if they discover a teen boy engages pornography.
3. Many people consider pornography exploitive.
4. Pornographic images are generally taller, thinner, more developed, enhanced by makeup, unhealthy practices and sometimes even surgery, rather than being representative of a normal healthy woman’s (or man’s) body.
5. While it is easy to open the pages of a pornographic magazine, it is a lot better to form a real relationship with a real person--even if it takes more time and more work.

Admittedly, it was not too bad. But I suspect a lot of parents would want to augment. I certainly did. And a few evenings later (after he’d devoured the book from cover to cover) we had our chat. And the lines of communication are better for it.
At some point, my son is going to discover his parents cannot constantly police him or control his choices. I’ve chosen to tell him that fact before he discovers it for himself. At this stage in his life, I want him to develop his own values while I still can be a strong influence
Is that scary? Of course it is scary. But as I stated at the beginning, I trust my son. Do you trust your young teen?