It was less than five weeks earlier when I posted the following words of resignation.
I've lost touch with Ken and I never knew Marla well. There is so much I'd like to know about what their parents did to prepare them and to help them along.
But thanks to the postmodern wonder of social networking engines and perhaps a little blogging Karma, Marla emerged from her inactive online status at 7:49pm on November 13th not only to accept my request to connect, but also to connect with Ken. Within 48 hours the three of us had traded a storm of emails, photos, blogposts, comments, and chats. Suddenly I was no longer merely sitting in the front car seat with Ken’s mom in the spring of 1980, I was riding shotgun. The glass is now half full and rising. Are you curious? I’m still curious, but a lot of my curiosity has been satisfied.
MARLA: Much like you I remember the evening with great clarity. I could tell you about the white eyelet dress I wore that night and picking out the shoes.
KEN: I do recall the eyelet dress. You were quite impressively beautiful for a young girl.
From our email trades I learned much more about Marla’s medical condition. It was significantly worse than what I had naively come to infer from bits and pieces of information that would drift my way.
MARLA: I was born with my bad hips and consequently I didn't know any other life. To date I have had 12 surgeries, but when I met you I had had about 9, plus 7 braces and 4 body casts from my armpits to my toes. I always say "I didn't go to camp in the summer, I went to the hospital." … Uneven surfaces were my worst fear … If I didn't pay attention, down I went.
Both Ken and Marla confirmed their parents’ unique part in developing their respective social confidence.
KEN: If only it was really that easy for me. But you are right, I had a socially adept mother but it was more Marla and her confidence that allowed me to be at ease around her. But make no mistake the lesson learned that should be passed on is that confidence must be instilled in our daughters in an environment not conducive to it for girls or women … But I learned a lot from Marla as I did from you too.
MARLA: Certainly I knew I was not like other kids, I had limitations … I had a very, very happy childhood. I can only credit my confident outgoing personality to my family for it was them that gave me the security of knowing that I could always get past the stares and whispers if only I got to meet those who were doing it. I think ultimately more acknowledgement needs to go to Ken. I knew what to expect, after all I dealt with my hips, their limitations, the pain they caused and the reaction I got from them daily. For Ken, there was a much bigger unknown. But much like me, Ken knew who he was. He was not going to change for anyone's ignorance or insensitivity. (Probably never has) And because of that, I felt secure in the trust I had in him to go to that dance. I did have a great night!!
Ken’s bravado and Marla’s sweetness haven’t faded. They share a playful sense of humor, charisma and social confidence that puts them far ahead on the bell curve. In their youth, they were the true definition of popular; many of us enjoyed their company and their friendship. And we didn’t just like them; we liked ourselves better as a result of knowing them. Ken, the one I knew, brought out the best in me. He believed in and had faith in everything good about me.
KEN: I was conscious of you watching us out of the corner of your eye. And all I could think was that this was simply my turn, and that you would soon be the guy in the back seat. I had a good deal of respect for you then, with academic prowess and commitment and intensity in sports, a renaissance man of sorts. I knew your time would come.
Ken and Marla enjoyed a brief, early adolescent romance in the spring of 1980. And as Ken predicted, I had my own brief, early adolescent romance not long after during the summer of 1980; it also included a teen dance. All three of us could list a series of brief romances from our teen years. They include some happy memories. But those memories also include some deep sadness.
KEN: Christine was my version of the "little red-headed girl.” I was so infatuated, so enamored with her that I had trouble sitting next to her even though I wanted to so very much, because it was hard to breathe. When we dated, her kisses were more the firework variety than I had ever experienced before or since. But her mother had not prepared her as well, and she was convinced I was dating her to make her friend jealous. I could not convince her otherwise no matter how hard I tried. It was my first very real taste of a broken heart.
Leading up to adolescence, boys and girls drift apart into two distinct social worlds. Suddenly with adolescence the interest returns and with it an interest in romance. A whole social dynamic can develop out of that interest which rushes early adolescents into relationships they cannot maintain, coupled with feelings of inadequacy if they are not in a romantic relationship.
Most parents do not properly prepare their kids for this part of growing up. Marla’s three daughters are at or approaching that age. My son Philip is now that age. And my daughter Chloe (who is out front playing basketball with Jack as I write this) is coming of age rapidly. As a parent who takes his lead from research and common sense rather than popular culture, I know that if young adolescents develop emotionally healthy non-dating relationships with their opposite gender peers, their eventual dating relationships are much more likely to be emotionally healthy as well.
To date, my son Philip has been cautious with his heart. He’s already proven he doesn’t need a girlfriend to enjoy a nice evening with one of his girl-peers. That seems like a good thing to me. I want him to grow up and find that life partner with whom he more than clicks. If he can do that without the heartache of a series of failed relationships, that would be even better. But if he does experience such heartache along the way as most of us do, he’ll survive and be better for it.
MARLA: My oldest is a romantic like her mom. It worked out very well for me, I picked the right guy. … My husband is similar to Ken, in that he never seemed to see my gait. It never mattered. Similarly he also knows who he is and will probably never change. I hope he never does.
Ken and Marla’s romance didn’t last. But they’ll always have the memory of that eyelet dress and the enchanted evening for which it was purchased. And of course, so will I.
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