His First Date Ever

Two months before his first formal dance, my son Philip was disappointed but not demoralized after his girl-peer Charlotte declined his invitation for her to join him. The awkward exchange between Charlotte and Philip had tested the boundaries of his social confidence and had failed to yield the desired result. But not long after, Philip was happy to extend the same invitation to another girl-peer: Ashley.

As was the case with the previous invitation, the parents spoke first. I had spoken with Charlotte’s dad. This time my wife spoke with Ashley’s mom, Emily. Unlike Charlotte’s dad, Emily had no interest in having Philip call her daughter on the telephone with an unexpected proposal at a time that was bound to be inconvenient. So after collecting all the details from my wife, Emily waited for a convenient and unhurried time to present the idea to Ashley. With all her questions answered and with full knowledge of her parents’ support, Ashley decided to accept.

Pause and think for a moment because this is a big first in one’s life. What was your first “date” like? What do you wish it had been like? What are your hopes and dreams when it comes to your son or daughter’s first “date” experience? What do you wish your parents had done for you? What do you wish your parents had not done?

Proactive parents do their job well when they provide both aid and input, but not so much that their kids are too insolated from the risk of hurt, disappointment and failure that is a normal part of life. Among my parent-peers, those who are proactive typically do a very good job providing just the right amount of aid and input when it comes to sports and academics. But when it comes to their kids’ developing interest in romance the vast majority of parents appear to fall into one of two dominant camps.

The first dominant camp provides little to no aid or input, except to ensure their kids’ safety. Charlotte’s dad fell into this camp. While he appreciated my call, he was not going to take any steps to prepare his daughter for Philip’s invitation.

The second dominant camp puts significant effort into preventing anything resembling romance from happening in their kids’ lives—usually until a certain age. But once their kids hit that particular age, parents in this second camp usually take the same passive approach as the parents in the first camp.

A minority of parents fall into what I’ll call the Hollywood camp. These parents actively encourage their kids (or at least their boys) to pursue their developing interest in romance as if young adolescent romance were either a competitive sport or something purely recreational. One man I know summed up this attitude by saying to me, “There’s never a reason a boy would need to be able to say ‘no’ to a girl.” My response as you might imagine was to tell him that his statement would work well in stand-up comedy, but was otherwise absolutely foolish.

There is one final camp into which parents fall. It is where I, my wife and Ashley’s parents fall. We want to provide an appropriate level of aid and input in all aspects of our kids’ lives, including their developing interest in romance.

In many ways, the preparation for Philip and Ashley’s “date” to be successful was years in the making. The two had met when Philip was in Kindergarten and Ashley was still in preschool. Amelia and Emily had “clicked” and rapidly became best friends. The two women got together frequently, usually with kids in tow and often with spouses in tow. Our two families had even vacationed together. Over several years Philip and Ashley found ways to enjoy playing with one another and—consistent with their upbringing—always respected one another. By the summer of 2008 there was a firm foundation of trust between them.

While Philip had been to a few dances before, this was going to be Ashley’s first dance ever. She was understandably nervous. But it was a nervousness Philip as well as both sets of parents were prepared to address. We had checked out a youth ballroom dancing class in Santa Carla ahead of time. Philip was comfortable with the class and the instructor as were we. When Amelia and Emily spoke about Ashley’s nervousness, Amelia suggested the ballroom dancing class and Emily liked the idea. Again, she waited for a convenient time and presented the idea to Ashley, who immediately liked the idea as well.

And so we took the pair to two ballroom dancing classes ahead of the actual dance. Each time, our families went out to dinner afterward. Being in downtown Santa Carla after the second dance class and dinner, our families explored the various shops and made an important pause at a dress shop Amelia and Emily had discussed earlier that day. As the women expected, Ashley was interested in several of the dresses for the formal dance. Philip proved to be the perfect young gentleman sitting in a large wing chair on one side of the store while Ashley was in the dressing room with her mom trying on several different dresses. Whenever Ashley emerged, Philip would stand up to admire her latest attire. That evening Ashley selected her dress from among the dozen or so she had tried.

Throughout the process we took no shortage of photographs. We have pictures of the dance classes, the shopping experience and we arrived with camera ready at Ashley’s home just before the dance. Philip had selected a black tuxedo with a rust-colored vest and tie. Ashley’s dress was a shade somewhere between sky blue and aquamarine that was an excellent complement to her carrot red hair. The parents wanted a lot of pre-dance photographs. Philip and Ashley were reasonably cooperative for the cameras but were much more interested in playing with Ashley’s new puppy.

After about forty-five minutes at the house, we caravanned to the dance. Philip rode with Ashley and her parents in their minivan while Amelia and I rode over in my sedan. Both sets of parents had signed up to chaperone/observe/participate. The evening began with dinner, a short ballroom dancing performance and promotional words from the college who had sponsored the dance.

Eventually the dancing began. Ashley was still a little nervous. She danced mainly with Philip but also enjoyed several dances with her father while Philip either rested or asked someone else to dance. Amelia and I got several great pictures of the kids on the dance floor. Both sets of parents shared a few dances. At the half-way point, Philip and Ashley each got a slice of carrot cake from the dessert table and settled down in chairs along the wall to recharge. Over the course of the evening, Philip shed his jacket, then later his tie and then finally his vest. Ashley shed her high-healed shoes when Philip shed his jacket. At one point an older teen boy stepped back onto Ashley’s shoeless foot. We got Ashley an ice pack for her foot and Philip stayed with her and chatted until she was ready to dance again.

The pair tired out roughly an hour before the end of the dance. Ashley sat in her father’s lap while Philip went to get them some cookies from the dessert table. A nervous but well dressed boy within Ashley’s age window approached and asked her to dance. She was surprised and taken aback for just a moment. It had been the first time that evening she wasn’t either dancing or hovering close to Philip. Ashley recovered quickly. “Thank you for asking,” she said, “but I’m done dancing for the evening.” And she was. Philip and Ashley each enjoyed two cookies and one last plastic cup of punch, and then told us they were ready to go home. The six of us caravanned back to Ashley’s house. Again Philip rode with Ashley and her parents. Back in front of Ashley's house, the parents gave Philip and Ashley the semi-privacy to say goodnight to one another out of earshot, but not out of eyeshot. Ashley went inside and Philip slid into the back seat of my sedan, quickly kicked off his shoes and wrapped himself in the blanket I had prepared for him. Philip's first date ever, enjoyed with a girl-peer he trusted and respected, was over.

Some day, I will know whether the aid and input we gave to Philip was something he will appreciate over time. For now, I am content to know we gave him the aid and input I wish I had been given when I was Philip's age.