Both Amelia and I like Jasmine’s Mother Rita and Katherine’s Father Jerry. But we have ultimately concluded that both Rita and Jerry have critical flaws in the way they parent. These flaws work themselves out in what I have come to call disparenting. And as Jasmine and Katherine trudge forward into adolescence, the fruit of various disparenting practices is becoming ever more pronounced. Poor life skills often result in poor marriage choices and relationship skills which lead to divorce and single-parenting. The stress and difficulty of single-parenting amplifies the negative impact of poor life skills. And once the kids begin to act out, the amplification can accelerate in a vicious cycle.
Today, both Rita and Jerry have below par control over their tweens, who in turn have below par self-control. Both parents try to compensate, but often end up overcompensating in areas that have little true impact. Rita wants Jasmine and her older brother to embrace healthy eating habits, but it is too easy for the kids to get around their mother’s zealous dietary aspirations. Jerry often caves to Katherine’s spending requests; the main result is that Katherine has no concept of the value of money.
Chloe gets roped into the disparenting drama from time to time. When Rita discovered contraband candy that Jasmine had purchased, Rita quickly tossed the whole batch into the garbage, mistakenly including a lollipop that Chloe had purchased with her allowance. Two summers ago, Jerry took Katherine, Chloe and one other girl to Justice for what we thought was going to be a special shopping trip to get matching t-shirts. Instead all three girls came home with a small wardrobe, which for Chloe included four pairs of jeans and at least as many tops.
With the start of middle school, Amelia and I have kept a careful eye on Chloe’s friendships with Jasmine and Katherine, and one key differentiator has emerged. Jerry’s incompetence is conscious, while Rita’s incompetence is unconscious. Just a few weeks back Jerry took Katherine and Chloe to a spa for what all parties thought was just basic facial masks. But Jerry lost control of the somewhat unethical spa owner and the end package included lip and eyebrow waxes that set Jerry back over two hundred dollars and mildly traumatized both girls. On the phone with Jerry later, he was quick to apologize and take responsibility. In contrast, Rita had no concept how much a different scenario traumatized Chloe and Patty. Jasmine was scheduled to be “kidnapped” by her church youth group early one morning for a special breakfast outing. But Rita allowed Jasmine to invite Chloe and Patty for a sleepover the previous night which roped Jasmine’s two guests into being “kidnapped” by complete strangers without any advance warning or parental approval. Another time Rita’s efforts to get Jasmine to stop sucking her thumb included telling Jasmine that Chloe would blackmail Jasmine at school with this information.
In contrast, Jerry’s simple ability to admit to wrong and to empathize with other kids’ feelings is beginning to break the vicious cycle for himself and his daughter Katherine.
The previous weekend began with Jasmine suggesting that she and Chloe go to the County Fair Friday evening. There was one catch. Jasmine could not offer Chloe a ride. Chloe telephoned me toward the end of my work day with the frantic hope that I could drive her and Jasmine to the County Fair. I promised to think about it, but once I reviewed the driving distance, parking options, entrance fees and Friday evening attractions, I realized the Fair was a poor idea. Chloe was disappointed. But a large part of Chloe’s disappointment stemmed from the fact that Jasmine was disappointed. The two instead watched a DVD at Jasmine’s house, with a narrative voiceover of Jasmine griping about missing the County Fair.
The following morning, Chloe had an idea. She wanted to watch boys she’d gotten to know at Hermes Middle School play football. But she wanted to bring another girl along. She asked Jasmine first. But all Jasmine could say was “I’m not interested in football.” Jasmine’s narcissism hurt Chloe’s feelings. After Chloe made a special effort to make Jasmine’s Friday evening fun, Jasmine saw no value in doing something that would make Chloe’s Saturday fun. Unlike Jasmine, Katherine jumped at the chance to spend Saturday with Chloe. While picking up Katherine, I chatted with Jerry to work out the logistics. Jerry agreed it was alright for the girls to walk together the mile between the football field and his home after the game, and that the girls could stop at a frozen yogurt shop along the way. Both girls had their mobile phones, and were under orders to get our permission before doing anything outside the specified plans
A few hours later my mobile phone rang. Chloe wanted to sleep over at Katherine’s house. I told her “maybe” and that I would call her back. For several months Chloe had not been allowed to sleep over at Katherine’s because we were not entirely comfortable with Katherine and Jerry. But we had observed some serious improvement. That day’s experience sealed it. After seeing the difference in how Katherine had treated Chloe compared to how Jasmine had treated Chloe, I wanted to reward Katherine. Amelia and I agreed Katherine and her dad were ready. Half an hour later I called Chloe back to approve the sleepover.
That Saturday with Katherine had proven a success. And while Katherine may never have the relative maturity and friendship skills that Chloe commands, we know Katherine is trying and so is Jerry. As long as Chloe stays happy with the friendship, Amelia and I are prepared to stay happy as well.
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