Heather is progressively becoming a better friend to Chloe. Before the most recent Middle School dance this past Friday, Stephanie invited Chloe, Heather and just one other girl to put on makeup. Heather was also a Patty’s sleepover birthday party in December and Chloe’s Halloween party. But just a little over two weeks ago, a casual observer might have concluded that Chloe would never want to speak with Heather ever again.
The prior week Chloe came home to tell us that she and Heather would be working on a joint assignment together and that Heather would be coming over on Sunday afternoon. We asked Chloe if we could speak with Heather’s parents to work out the details but when Chloe called the family’s one telephone nobody answered. From time to time, we would remember to ask Chloe to connect us with Heather’s parents but the same result happened with regularity. Chloe showed no signs of concern until Sunday morning. After two unsuccessful attempts to reach Heather on a phone that had no voice mail, Chloe began to panic. By the early afternoon Chloe was in tears. We did not reach Heather’s family until late Sunday evening.
Heather’s mother spoke with Amelia. Amelia was bothered while Heather’s mother did not sound very concerned. Heather lives at the end of a steep, winding dirt road far from the center of town. Nobody in the family has a mobile telephone and the one telephone they have does not have an answering machine. In short, Heather’s family prefer to be out of touch from everyone else.
In contrast, Heather has strong-felt social ambitions. She relished each opportunity to attend a girl-party and is openly eager with Chloe and others about wanting to get a boyfriend. But when Heather woke up sick three Sunday’s ago, her mother was content to let Heather go back to sleep and unplug the telephone so Heather would not be disturbed. There was no thought regarding Heather’s promises to Chloe or anyone else. The plans had not been nailed down. And between Chloe’s reluctance to nail things down the prior week and the casually unplugged telephone on Sunday, Heather and Chloe never connected and Chloe was distraught.
It was a challenge we had been telling Chloe about Middle School for years. But that did not make it hurt any less. Middle-school kids greatly want to receive the benefits of friendship but are woefully lacking in their ability to give the benefits of friendship. Chloe was counting upon someone who wasn’t mature enough to be counted-upon.
On the phone with Heather’s mother, Amelia worked out the details for the two to do their joint project Monday afternoon. Amelia also established ground rules for communicating going forward. Middle school kids tend not to take on ethics they don’t get from their parents. If parents do not follow up, the kids certainly won’t. It is difficult for Chloe to imagine growing up with parents who do not instill the values we instill. And when she is a victim of another family’s non-embracing of our values it cuts particularly deep.
But Chloe recovered quickly. On Monday, Heather was over at our house with the warm smile and laughs that Chloe enjoys. Heather did not quite understand how much Chloe had been hurt, and we had prepared Chloe well not to press the issue with Heather. After only a few minutes of interaction, Chloe was able to behave the we she always had toward Heather. By the time I returned home that day, the two were relaxing on our coach watching a teen drama together. This crisis was over. But more will certainly come.
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