A Wrinkle in the Age Gender Gap

Some time in the middle of October, Teresa decided to put an end to her long term relationship with Steven. At least that was the official word. But it seemed to contradict her behavior during the lacrosse tournament on the final Saturday of October. A throng of tired lacrosse players arrived at the San Geraldo Sports Complex shortly after seven in the morning. To my surprise, Philip’s teammate Steven arrived with Teresa and she stayed to watch all five games.

From the bleachers I heard Teresa describe to other spectators the exact nature of her relationship with Steven. “He was my boyfriend for over a year. Now he’s my best friend.” Comments from both on both Facebook and Formspring added color. Teresa’s life in high school was simply too different from Steven’s life after high school. A year earlier it was fun. They had a lot in common. He was a mature senior and she was an adoring sophomore. A year ago, they seemed a perfect match with the age gender gap operating in their favor. But they seem to have run into a wrinkle in the age gender gap.

Steven is still deeply in love with Teresa. He openly admits he still loves her and wants her back. Teresa says she just doesn’t feel the connection she once felt and now prefers to spend time with guys closer to her age. In short, she is not ready to think about adult life just yet.

In his efforts to win back Teresa, Steven demonstrated quite a lot of insight by inviting her to the lacrosse tournament. For that day, Steven transformed himself back into the guy who had first captured Teresa’s heart. In that venue Steven was suddenly surrounded by Philip and a bunch of other high school guys. Steven was their leader. He was in his element playing varsity lacrosse, even though this off season league would be his last opportunity to play at the high school age level.

Steven’s parents and grandparents arrived a little later in the morning. They all sat with Teresa on the bleachers. Clearly the family liked this girl. And she in turn liked them. After scoring a goal, Steven returned to face off, jogging past the bleachers close enough to give three quick taps on the plexiglass.

Between the games, I saw Steven and Teresa steal off to be alone with one another. They may not have been an official couple, but there was the undeniable shared affection. They walked close to one another and they looked particularly comfortable with one another. In the end however, the fun day was not enough to win back Teresa’s heart. The wrinkle in the age gender gap was too high for him to scale.

Relationships in high school are very far removed from adult relationships. There is still the desire to connect. There is the desire for physical affection and the associated physical attraction. Couples want to like one another, trust one another and be able to have fun together. But as adulthood approaches new factors emerge. These include the ability to plan a family, raise children together, share finances in common, manage dual careers and endure life’s hardships. Steven believes he is ready for all that and maybe he is ready. In my mind he is at least close. Teresa on the other hand is simply not ready. After years of finding the older guys more attractive, Teresa now finds herself most drawn to the peers her own age. And Teresa’s changed perspective toward her guy-peers is arriving just in time to have them turn their attention away from the girls their own age in favor of the younger girls. It is an unfair reality for both Teresa and Steven.

The solution to this unfair reality will be found in time itself. Steven cannot go backward. But Teresa cannot stop herself from moving forward. She has just a year and a half of high school left. Within some short period of time after graduating, Teresa will also mature into the adult thinking that has already happened in Steven’s life. At that time, Teresa and Steven can re-evaluate one another in adult terms together. As a couple they were compatible by the standards shared by high school teenagers.

It remains an open question as to whether Steven and Teresa will be compatible when they both look at life through adult eyes. But that won’t happen until after Teresa crosses the wrinkle in the age gender gap.