In Philip’s eyes, the moment was almost certainly no big deal. For him, the moment was most likely a logical continuation of a smooth stream of getting to know the people in one of his various crowds better. But for me it was a sharp contrast from what I had observed roughly eight months earlier. Eight months earlier, Renee was the rising eleventh-grader whose words to Philip during the carwash fundraiser had seemed potentially condescending to me. Renee was one of the social dominants inside a circle of teens that wouldn’t quite let Philip inside that day.
I saw Renee again last Friday when I dropped off Philip for a weekend teen snow trip. Renee and Philip had arrived at roughly the same time. Both had snowboards rather than skis, and both were submitting their health release forms and final payments at one end of the parking lot, while I carried half of Philip’s baggage to the bus at the other end of the parking lot. After I gave Philip’s final bag to the bus driver, I turned away and saw Philip and Renee stepping away from the group of registrants at the same time. Philip was now just slightly taller than Renee. Their body language spoke volumes. It did not contain affection. (That would have really surprised me.) But their heads were down and they were walking in unison as close as two teens could walk together without actually touching. What I saw was trust and mutual respect. Philip and Renee were sharing a conversation that was meant to be just between the two of them. The two were probably completely unaware of their shared body language. They walked all the way from one end of the parking lot to the other like that until they stepped onto the bus together. It was another situation where I didn’t mind not getting a goodbye.
Renee’s crowd was not the only group of teens in which Philip’s social standing had been advancing. As the school year progressed, Philip moved away from Tim and his crowd, and had instead enjoyed lunches with other freshmen. Philip’s newer lunchtime crowd has been mostly guys, and these guys seem to gain particular enjoyment watching Philip watching Philip interact with girls. Philip’s new crowd seemed to notice every signal Erica was sending to Philip. And they began pushing Philip to ask Erica out. But they had other designs as well.
One of the guys, Marty, wanted help meeting girls. So Philip joined Marty during lunch one day and asked two freshman girls if they could sit with them. The two girls quickly agreed and the four enjoyed a nice lunch together. But the next day Philip saw Marty talking with the same two girls at the beginning of lunch. As Philip approached to join them, the two girls walked away from Marty. “What happened?” Philip asked Marty.
“Well,” Marty answered. “It seems they BOTH have a crush on YOU.”
“Are you sure?” Philip laughed.
“Yes. I am ABSOLUTELY certain,” Marty answered with only a small degree of annoyance.
When one girl, Nancy, had confided with some of Philip’s lunchtime friends that she would really like to have a date for the Winter Formal, Marty and Philip’s other lunchtime friends began to push Philip to ask Nancy to the dance. And so only minutes later, Philip fearlessly asked Nancy to the dance, “That’s ironic,” she stared at Philip. “Somebody else just asked me to the dance less than five minutes ago and I told him yes.” It was a kind let-down. Philip stared back at her sharing her sense of odd timing. Then he looked behind him and gave an annoyed stare to his lunchtime crowd. The second look was not lost on Nancy. “Oh no!” Nancy exclaimed. “Did they tell you that you should ask me to the dance!” And she ran over to scold Philip’s lunchtime friends.
Lastly, Philip’s lunchtime crowd convinced Philip to finally ask out Erica. And so, Philip managed to pull together his courage and asked her out. It was exactly four months to the day after he had first danced with Erica. She gave him a disappointed look. “I like someone else,” was all she said in reply. He told nobody about the exchange. And it turned out she told nobody either because the next day Philip’s lunchtime crowd continued to push Philip to ask out Erica. He decided to leave them in the dark.
For me, I am glad Philip has gotten close to Renee and her crowd, and that Philip is someone his classmates admire. And I am especially glad Philip finally asked out Erica. I am especially glad for two reasons. First, if he was brave enough to ask out Erica, he will never be intimidated from pursuing someone. And second—now that Erica has turned him down—Philip’s heart is free to look elsewhere. I am anticipating not only a better match, but also someone more deserving.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Truly Best Performance in My Eyes
Business trips are a necessary evil in my life these days. They take me to a completely different world. And the longer the business trip is, the more I notice the contrast between those two worlds. I live alone as opposed to with my family. I sleep in a small hotel room in a palace-like urban setting as opposed to a medium-sized house in a suburban upper-middle class development. The people I socialize with are business contacts rather than friends. The food is different. The drinking water is different. The climate is different. The soap, shampoo and water pressure are different. The mattress, pillows and bedding are different. The vehicle is different. And it may be a taxi driver or a colleague at the wheel. I’m even wearing different clothes: The wrinkle resistant business attire.
On my most recent business trip, I was gone for three nights. It was the annual sales conference for my company’s largest business partner, a $500 million software company. The conference was at a large hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. I cannot think of a city that is more different than Hermes.
On the second night of the conference, my manager and I were given second row seats to the most beautiful, creative and opulent live performance I have ever had the privilege to witness. It was LOVE, Cirque du Soleil's celebration of the music and artistic themes of The Beatles. It featured a large cast of acrobats, dancers, mimes and stunt professionals from age eight to age sixty-eight. No expense was spared in props, costumes, lighting, giant-screen video and other live effects. Even the seating was first rate. The cast looked like they were having fun as they danced and pranced with seemingly reckless abandon. And they knew they were great, especially the kids. My eyes were moist during Yesterday and Hey Jude. All of us in the audience were mesmerized. Over the course of the evening we became the lovely audience the cast would love to take home with them.
The sharp contrast to the jewel of Las Vegas’ live performances came the following Saturday. I had to get out of bed early that morning because Chloe’s basketball game began at 9:00 AM and she needed to be there at least twenty minutes early to practice. Cold Hermes rain fell to deliberately remind me I was no longer in the Nevada desert. The basketball game was held in the gymnasium at Hermes Middles School. The roof was leaking above us as we sat on cold concrete indoor bleachers that were constructed with Franklin Roosevelt’s New Deal funding. Amelia and I brought a picnic blanket to put between ourselves and the ice cold concrete.
It was the second game of the season and Chloe was just beginning to remember all I had taught her the previous season. Additionally, she had learned plenty of new skills from the two coaches who were managing this year’s team. Chloe played in the second and third quarter. She handled the ball well, dribbling with focused caution and passing whenever there was either a serious threat or a promising opportunity. But the big moment came in the third quarter. Chloe managed to evade a less experienced defender and positioned herself perhaps five feet to the front and right of the net. Her teammate had the presence of mind to deliver a quick and perfect pass. Chloe caught the ball, took one step forward and shot.
The ball hit the back board and landed onto the rim where it began to orbit the net once, twice and almost a full third time before it finally delivered two points for Chloe. Cheers broke the breath-holding silence. The cold room full of parents was such a lovely audience I wanted to take them home with us as Goo-goo-gajoob repeated inside my head and I watched eight girls run like pigs from a gun to the other side of the court as the referee gave the other team control of the ball. My eyes were moist again as the song in my head reached the words, I’m crying complete with Paul McCartney’s famous Liverpool accent.
I have many vivid memories from the beautiful performance in Las Vegas. But none is as lucid as the pass, the step, the shot, the ball orbiting the net, and finally Chloe’s first score of the season. My ticket to the Las Vegas performance cost my business partner over one hundred fifty dollars. But there was no charge to watch Chloe’s basketball game. Despite the cold concrete, the best things in life really are free.
On my most recent business trip, I was gone for three nights. It was the annual sales conference for my company’s largest business partner, a $500 million software company. The conference was at a large hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. I cannot think of a city that is more different than Hermes.
On the second night of the conference, my manager and I were given second row seats to the most beautiful, creative and opulent live performance I have ever had the privilege to witness. It was LOVE, Cirque du Soleil's celebration of the music and artistic themes of The Beatles. It featured a large cast of acrobats, dancers, mimes and stunt professionals from age eight to age sixty-eight. No expense was spared in props, costumes, lighting, giant-screen video and other live effects. Even the seating was first rate. The cast looked like they were having fun as they danced and pranced with seemingly reckless abandon. And they knew they were great, especially the kids. My eyes were moist during Yesterday and Hey Jude. All of us in the audience were mesmerized. Over the course of the evening we became the lovely audience the cast would love to take home with them.
The sharp contrast to the jewel of Las Vegas’ live performances came the following Saturday. I had to get out of bed early that morning because Chloe’s basketball game began at 9:00 AM and she needed to be there at least twenty minutes early to practice. Cold Hermes rain fell to deliberately remind me I was no longer in the Nevada desert. The basketball game was held in the gymnasium at Hermes Middles School. The roof was leaking above us as we sat on cold concrete indoor bleachers that were constructed with Franklin Roosevelt’s New Deal funding. Amelia and I brought a picnic blanket to put between ourselves and the ice cold concrete.
It was the second game of the season and Chloe was just beginning to remember all I had taught her the previous season. Additionally, she had learned plenty of new skills from the two coaches who were managing this year’s team. Chloe played in the second and third quarter. She handled the ball well, dribbling with focused caution and passing whenever there was either a serious threat or a promising opportunity. But the big moment came in the third quarter. Chloe managed to evade a less experienced defender and positioned herself perhaps five feet to the front and right of the net. Her teammate had the presence of mind to deliver a quick and perfect pass. Chloe caught the ball, took one step forward and shot.
The ball hit the back board and landed onto the rim where it began to orbit the net once, twice and almost a full third time before it finally delivered two points for Chloe. Cheers broke the breath-holding silence. The cold room full of parents was such a lovely audience I wanted to take them home with us as Goo-goo-gajoob repeated inside my head and I watched eight girls run like pigs from a gun to the other side of the court as the referee gave the other team control of the ball. My eyes were moist again as the song in my head reached the words, I’m crying complete with Paul McCartney’s famous Liverpool accent.
I have many vivid memories from the beautiful performance in Las Vegas. But none is as lucid as the pass, the step, the shot, the ball orbiting the net, and finally Chloe’s first score of the season. My ticket to the Las Vegas performance cost my business partner over one hundred fifty dollars. But there was no charge to watch Chloe’s basketball game. Despite the cold concrete, the best things in life really are free.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Bold Moves - Little Result
It would be nice if Philip could speak openly enough with Erica to suggest taking some time to get to know one another better and be prepared for whatever her response. But such things are rare among young adolescents. Instead, they face a tough, highly-charged social environment. If an interested guy succeeds in getting a girl he knows to speak privately, he may only have a short window in which he must boldly ask her out. While girls sometimes ask out guys, they usually do something subtle with the hope of getting a particular guy’s attention. Girls drop cautious hints. The hints always carry a comfortable degree of plausible deniability. If the girl were to be called out on her words or actions, she would have a valid excuse that had nothing to do with her having interest in the guy in question. The guys in turn seek opportunities to test the waters before they plunge forward asking a girl out. There is no more humiliating prospect to a young adolescent guy than asking out a girl and being rejected hands down. Young adolescents add complexity to this awkward dance by taking steps to evoke jealousy. Jealousy is the weapon of choice girls but also guys rely upon if the true interest is not behaving in a way that demonstrates a satisfactory level of interest. The goal is to force the other’s hand into some kind of action that demonstrates interest.
Shortly after Philip had resolved to ask Erica out, he was shocked to learn she had agreed to go to the Winter Formal with another guy, Aidan. Philip knew Aidan reasonably well. Aidan was tall, handsome and athletic. He was also one of the guys who constantly hovered close to Erica. Aidan and Erica were certainly friends. They had known one another for years. And as such, there had been plenty of time and interaction for Aidan to secure Erica as his girlfriend if she were willing. Despite his disappointment, Philip was reasonably certain Aidan was not a true competitor for Erica’s heart. But it didn’t keep Philip from feeling at least a little bit jealous. And perhaps that was Erica’s intention all along. If so, it was a bold move.
At the dance itself, Philip quickly confirmed Erica and Aidan had no developing romance. Erica was dancing with plenty of guys besides Aidan. Philip followed her example and likewise enjoyed dancing with multiple girls. Eventually, he danced with Erica. It was one of those semi-intimate hip-hop dances. Erica accepted. Philip came back and danced with Erica multiple times that evening but tried to be cautious about asking her to dance too often.
The final song of the evening was a dreamy slow dance. Philip had planned to skip this dance but then he saw Erica alone halfway through the final song. Where was Aidan? If you were my date for this dance Erica, Philip thought, I would not be missing in action during the final song of the evening. And then Philip made a bold move of his own and asked Erica to dance. It echoed back to the very first school dance of the year, during which the two had shared a dreamy extended embrace on the dance floor during the final song of the evening. But this was different. Even if Aidan was nowhere in sight, Erica had still agreed to be Aidan’s date. Everyone would see Erica dancing with someone other than Aidan during the final song. Erica stared back at Philip and answered slowly, “Uhhhhmm … I have … a date.” She smiled awkwardly and then walked away, presumably in search of Aidan. Philip turned around as well and found himself facing a cute, outgoing sophomore girl he had met in line heading into the dance. He asked the girl to dance and the two shared what was left of the final song of the evening. Perhaps Erica was bothered. Philip first underscored the fact that her date was absent at the end of the evening and then bounced back quickly and easily by slow dancing with another girl.
The day after the formal dance, Philip discovered Erica had unfriended him on Facebook. It was another bold move. Was it a prank Erica’s sister had played? If not, what was Erica doing? She could have been angry with Philip. Or she could have done it in a moment of jealousy. Or she could have done it to see how and how quickly Philip would respond. Either way, the gauntlet had been cast. Philip let Monday pass. But on Tuesday Philip made the bold move. He spoke to Erica about the matter, and she feigned ignorance. Erica wasn’t angry. And Philip had let her know he’d seen it only shortly after it had happened. The secret message she delivered was returned. Despite all the boldness, little was accomplished. And maybe that is the problem with making bold moves in high school.
Shortly after Philip had resolved to ask Erica out, he was shocked to learn she had agreed to go to the Winter Formal with another guy, Aidan. Philip knew Aidan reasonably well. Aidan was tall, handsome and athletic. He was also one of the guys who constantly hovered close to Erica. Aidan and Erica were certainly friends. They had known one another for years. And as such, there had been plenty of time and interaction for Aidan to secure Erica as his girlfriend if she were willing. Despite his disappointment, Philip was reasonably certain Aidan was not a true competitor for Erica’s heart. But it didn’t keep Philip from feeling at least a little bit jealous. And perhaps that was Erica’s intention all along. If so, it was a bold move.
At the dance itself, Philip quickly confirmed Erica and Aidan had no developing romance. Erica was dancing with plenty of guys besides Aidan. Philip followed her example and likewise enjoyed dancing with multiple girls. Eventually, he danced with Erica. It was one of those semi-intimate hip-hop dances. Erica accepted. Philip came back and danced with Erica multiple times that evening but tried to be cautious about asking her to dance too often.
The final song of the evening was a dreamy slow dance. Philip had planned to skip this dance but then he saw Erica alone halfway through the final song. Where was Aidan? If you were my date for this dance Erica, Philip thought, I would not be missing in action during the final song of the evening. And then Philip made a bold move of his own and asked Erica to dance. It echoed back to the very first school dance of the year, during which the two had shared a dreamy extended embrace on the dance floor during the final song of the evening. But this was different. Even if Aidan was nowhere in sight, Erica had still agreed to be Aidan’s date. Everyone would see Erica dancing with someone other than Aidan during the final song. Erica stared back at Philip and answered slowly, “Uhhhhmm … I have … a date.” She smiled awkwardly and then walked away, presumably in search of Aidan. Philip turned around as well and found himself facing a cute, outgoing sophomore girl he had met in line heading into the dance. He asked the girl to dance and the two shared what was left of the final song of the evening. Perhaps Erica was bothered. Philip first underscored the fact that her date was absent at the end of the evening and then bounced back quickly and easily by slow dancing with another girl.
The day after the formal dance, Philip discovered Erica had unfriended him on Facebook. It was another bold move. Was it a prank Erica’s sister had played? If not, what was Erica doing? She could have been angry with Philip. Or she could have done it in a moment of jealousy. Or she could have done it to see how and how quickly Philip would respond. Either way, the gauntlet had been cast. Philip let Monday pass. But on Tuesday Philip made the bold move. He spoke to Erica about the matter, and she feigned ignorance. Erica wasn’t angry. And Philip had let her know he’d seen it only shortly after it had happened. The secret message she delivered was returned. Despite all the boldness, little was accomplished. And maybe that is the problem with making bold moves in high school.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)