Inspired to Connect the Past to the Present

Back in September, I started a new job with a new company. I went from primarily working out of my home office in Hermes to working at my new company’s regional office in Riverdale. It is a fifty minute commute. The office building is walking distance from the shops and restaurants in historic downtown Riverdale and even closer to an office building where I worked for six years when Philip was a small child.

The other day I walked past that old office building during my lunch break. There was my former office’s window looking down at me: Second floor, second window from the left. I could see the shade was lowered about one third of the way. My former company had been sold to a larger corporation and operations had been scattered to other locations. Someone I probably did not even know now occupied my former abode. The art work that once occupied the walls inside that office was now hanging from the wall of my home office in Hermes. Still, the second window from the left on the second floor looked virtually unchanged. It was enough to fill me with a flood of memories from that time.

The old company had relocated me and my family from another state to San Geraldo in order for me to work there. That six year job stint took me from the days when Philip couldn’t even pronounce his own name to the first half of his second grade year of elementary school. It included Chloe’s birth and the first three years of her life as well as our move from San Geraldo to Hermes. So much had been packed into a little more than half a decade.

It is funny what memories take hold for us to cherish. For me, one such memory dates back to Philip’s early days in preschool. I had taken the train to work that day. Young Philip loved trains. “Twain – twain,” he would say pointing whenever he spotted one. Amelia had plans to have dinner with a friend in Oxford Hills. We decided she would take Philip to my office for me to bring home. It would be his first chance to actually ride on a train.

Philip and Amelia arrived in the late afternoon. The train home would arrive forty minutes later. I wanted to make Philip’s rare visits to my office special. On that day I began two rituals which I would repeat each time he visited my office for the rest of the time he was in preschool. First, I took him to the office kitchen for a can of root beer from the refrigerator. Going forward, “Rooph Beer” was all he would get to drink in my office and we refrained from serving it to him in any other venue. The other ritual was drawing a picture. With my green highlighter pen and copy paper, I would draw “Dexter the Dragon” which was a children’s ride at the San Geraldo Zoo. Those rituals played out on perhaps twenty visits to my office over the next two years, always at Philip’s request. During some of those visits, Philip would get to ride the twain again.

Walking through downtown Riverdale the other day was an experience somewhere between stepping through a time portal and getting a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past. Some things looked exactly the same. There was still the hair salon run by an extended Vietnamese family that provided a fantastic men’s haircut for a fantastic price. Two coffee shops, two Irish pubs, two Thai restaurants and an upscale deli were still thriving businesses. Other things had changed. The Microbrew had changed its name and ownership. My Hungarian tailor had retired and a tanning salon had replaced his little shop. My favorite Mexican restaurant had gone. And the Armenian shoe repair shop had expanded business to include luggage repair. A lot is the same and a lot has changed in some eight years. What can be said about downtown Riverdale can also be said about my family.

Tonight, our whole family along with Chloe’s friend Patty will spend the evening enjoying a New Year’s Eve Ball. Guys will be wearing blazers and ladies will be wearing dresses. Amelia and I plan to watch from a distance as Philip dances with one elegantly dressed, lovely teenage girl after another while Chloe and Patty share dances with younger boys. On Sunday, Philip will take part in a lacrosse scrimmage under the lights at Cabrillo High School involving the area’s high school and college players. I plan to plant myself in the bleachers and soak in the pleasure of watching Philip holding his own against MCLA lacrosse players.

So much time has gone by. The adolescent Philip who ballroom dances and plays varsity lacrosse seems so different from the little boy who drank rooph beer and wanted to see another highlighter drawing of Dexter the Dragon before riding home on the twain. But every so often, something as simple as the sight of a second story window brings all those great memories back and connects them to the great memories that are being formed in the present.

Unfriending, Blocking, Unblocking and Refriending

The unfriend option is the first line of privacy defense one can use on Facebook. An unfriend can happen without warning. If the unfriender in question was unimportant, the unfriendee might never even notice and probably would not even care. But if the unfriender in question was important, the unfriendee can notice very quickly. Navigate to the unfriender’s profile and the Facebook page contains significantly less information and offers the opportunity to “Add as Friend” by clicking on a blue button.

The block option is a more serious privacy tool. These are the digital equivalent of a restraining order. Blocks can come without warning as well. They do what the word means. A blockee cannot even view a blocker’s pages. The only evidence a blockee can even see of a blockee might be in other people’s tagged photographs. But the blocker’s tag will not provide a link back to the blocker’s profile page for the blockee.

Facebook provides these options to users so they can defend their privacy online and associate only with those with whom they choose to associate. But the existence of such easily deployed defenses adds a new layer of complexity to how people set boundaries with one another. Adolescents are particularly active on Facebook. Unfriending and blocking happen with greater frequency among adolescents than they do among adults. Unblocking and refriending also happen with greater frequency among adolescents.

Every so often Philip experiences an unfriend from a peer and it is to the point where it generally does not even bother Philip any more. He knows that many of his peers are impulsive and that it only requires two clicks of a mouse to unfriend somebody. The act itself usually serves to lower Philip’s opinion of the unfriender in question. Since Philip will not send a friend request to anyone who has unfriended him, the unfriender puts himself or herself in the position of either sending a refriend request or remaining reciprocally unfriended.

Despite Philip’s social resilience to adolescent social politics on Facebook, there was one unfriend that did bother Philip. Nearly one year ago, Erica decided to unfriend Philip. Believing he could easily rectify whatever had led to the unfriend, Philip went to talk to Erica about it during their lunch break at school. In their exchange, she flatly denied unfriending him. But that evening, instead of refriending Philip, Erica blocked him. Her block was followed by Erica bad-mouthing Philip on Facebook, on Formspring and perhaps elsewhere treating the fact that Philip cared about the unfriending as something to joke about with others.

Erica’s unfriend could be written off as impulsive. Lying to Philip when he confronted her in an attempt to reconcile could be attributed to insecurity. The block was an insult that would admittedly be difficult to forgive. But in the end, the talking behind Philip’s back was nothing short of an act of war. For the remainder of their freshman year, things were cold at best between Philip and Erica. But the war Erica initiated took a very distant back seat in both their lives. Philip focused on the varsity lacrosse team, while Erica focused on developing a relationship with an older guy.

By the time their sophomore year was comfortably in session, there didn’t seem to be any outward evidence of a rift between Philip and Erica. Philip was back on Erica’s short list of guys she would press up against for photos. Their smiles in these photos as they were published onto Facebook certainly appeared genuine. But on Facebook, the unfriend and block were still in effect and would remain so until Erica at least made the first move.

That move took place some time before their Thanksgiving break. Perhaps Erica even did it on November 17th, National Unfriending Day. The exact date is unknown. But Philip suddenly noticed Erica’s tags on the photos in which they both appeared suddenly contained links to Erica’s profile page. Philip was glad that Erica had unblocked him, but he certainly was not comfortable initiating a refriend. Erica made her second move after the holiday break had begun by sending Philip a refriend request.

And that is where things stand at the time of this writing. The two have not traded words on the subject in nearly a year. Instead, everything has been unspoken. Now the request to be, Erica’s friend again greets Philip each time he logs onto Facebook. But Philip has still not decided whether or not to refriend with Erica or how long to wait if he does. While Philip is happy to be on friendly terms with Erica at school, the idea of merely accepting the refriend request does not sit well with him. Erica’s insult simply went too far and lasted too long.

And maybe there is just a little bit of satisfaction having the tables turned, because now Philip is the one refusing without explanation to refriend Erica, rather than it being the other way around.

When Life’s Consequences Overtake Parental Punishment

I like to watch television shows on DVD with each of my kids. So does Amelia. Right now I am watching Season 1 of Glee with Chloe. The show has just about every high school subplot, stereotype and neo-stereotype the authors could squeeze into a single television season of forty-three minute episodes of what Philip calls High School Musical: The Series. Chloe loves it. I enjoy it. And most importantly it launches us into important daddy-daughter conversations.

A Wrinkle in the Age Gender Gap

Some time in the middle of October, Teresa decided to put an end to her long term relationship with Steven. At least that was the official word. But it seemed to contradict her behavior during the lacrosse tournament on the final Saturday of October. A throng of tired lacrosse players arrived at the San Geraldo Sports Complex shortly after seven in the morning. To my surprise, Philip’s teammate Steven arrived with Teresa and she stayed to watch all five games.

Scoring a Fantastic Date to the Winter Formal

Philip’s sophomore Homecoming Dance is a rapidly fading memory. The next dance at Hermes High School is the Winter Formal. Besides the attire, the big difference between the Homecoming Dance and the Winter Formal is the number of people who go with a date. It is not quite the Prom, for which nearly everyone goes as a couple. But Winter Formal is the only other venue in which students who are not officially attached will go together as a couple.

That part of life is decades behind me, but I remember it well. As with many parts of my life long ago that Philip is now experiencing, I think I have learned some things since that time. For Philip’s sake and for the sake of any reader willing to heed my words, here is what I have to say about scoring a fantastic date for the Winter Formal.

Cologne for a Teenage Guy

I can remember the first time I bought myself cologne. I was sixteen years old and I knew exactly what I wanted because I had smelled it at a party during football season on an older football player. It was Ralph Lauren’s signature men’s cologne Polo for Men. Prior to that, my parents and grandparents had given me various colognes and scented aftershave lotions including Old Spice, English Leather and Oscar De Le Renta’s Pour Lui. None of these ever quite hit the mark for me, though Pour Lui had at least come close.

Polo for Men was my signature cologne for about a decade until one day a coworker showed up at work smelling absolutely fantastic. I knew I had to get that cologne which turned out to be Calvin Klein’s Eternity. Eternity was my signature cologne for years after.

Like me decades earlier, Philip’s developing interest in cologne has operated in lockstep with his developing interest in girls. During one of his early dances, Philip wore cologne for the first time by borrowing my Eternity. Later, Philip chose a brand of cologne by himself when Philip and I were at the mall updating his wardrobe. That cologne was Fierce by Abercrombie & Fitch. Months later, Philip still likes Fierce, but he has also concluded that it is too intense for most situations. I also enjoy the smell of Fierce on myself but know it smells like something too young for me in most social venues.

Our joint experience with Fierce has compelled me to do some anecdotal research in an effort to find colognes both for myself and for Philip. So while I normally do not publish anything resembling advice, I am going to make this an exception. Whether you are a teenage guy or somebody shopping for one, here is what I have learned shopping for my straight teenage son.


ADVICE ON FINDING AND SELECTING COLOGNE
Men’s Scents are Designed Primarily for Adults. This should be no surprise. What it means is that only a few will work for a teenager. Adults want to come across as older, younger, braver, smarter, more masculine, more gentle, more sophisticated, or more of something else. Of these, I see only two objectives that truly apply to a teenage guy. A teenage guy should look for a scent that presents him as both masculine and approachable. The ideal straight guy is a healthy mixture of both beast and scholar.

Don’t Ever Wear the Cheap Stuff. Philip has heard it more than once. He’ll be sitting with a group of girls during lunch and one of them will say, “Ugh! Some guy just walked by wearing Axe.” Unless you are still in Middle School, the cheap stuff will do more harm than good.

Skip Branding Associated with Hard Liquor. You will see names with Rum, Bourbon and Cognac in the men’s cologne section. The good ones do indeed smell nice on older men. But it would draw ridicule if sprayed on a teenager. The same principle applies to all branding associated with tobacco and everything else that sounds old. All of this stuff smells like the name implies. (Yes … it was my dear but misguided grandfather who bought me the Old Spice and the English Leather back when I was a teenager!

Avoid Extremely Pungent Scents. There is a whole category of men’s colognes that seem to be targeting accountants, computer programmers and other “geeks” among adult men who want a strong scent to make them smell and feel much more beastly and much less scholarly than they are in their professional lives. In my experience one out of every three men’s colognes fit into this category. While these colognes might work well for their target segment among adults, they simply smell nasty on teenage guys. If the name of a cologne conjures up images of an action hero, it is probably one of these. Any of the Hugo Boss colognes (such as Hugo) and Azzaro’s Chrome are examples if you would like to do some shopping for your Research Scientist.

Avoid Heavily Citrus or Floral Scents. At the other end of the spectrum is a whole category of men’s colognes that seem to be targeting adult men in traditionally masculine, physically-oriented professions like construction or firefighting who want a scent that will make them smell and feel much more scholarly and much less beastly. While these might work well for that segment of adults, they simply smell effeminate on teenage guys. Carrolina Herrera’s 212 is an example if you want to do some shopping for your Gunnery Sergeant.

Avoid Branding that Communicates Sophistication. These are scents that are targeting men who want to come across as older or worldlier. If the branding message is too far off base for a teenage guy, odds are the actual scent is far off base as well. It is one thing for a teenager to smell like a twenty-something or even an early-thirty-something. But a teenager who smells like a he is forty or older smells ridiculous. Avoid Black and Silver spin-offs of signature labels and be cautious of any Black or Silver name.

Some Scents Fade Quickly or Change Over Time. When first investigating a scent, spray it onto your wrist at a store and then continue shopping. Avoid smelling your wrist for ten minutes and then sniff. What you smell after ten minutes is what and how strong the cologne will smell on you. If investigating multiple colognes, spray them onto the hard paper sticks or cards that are provided at the store. Write the name of the cologne onto the paper and do not smell it for five minutes. In my experience, roughly one out of every three men’s colognes will fade significantly sitting on hard paper for five minutes which means they will not last for even an hour on a man’s skin. Also, use the coffee grind they have at the cologne counter to clear your nose between sniffs. Before buying, you’ll need to do the ten minute wrist test to be certain.

Be Cautious With Branding that Communicates Youth. Here’s where the selection process will finally depend upon your olfactory prowess and personal preferences. Some youth branding is for older adults who want to smell younger. Such scents will simply smell wrong on a teenager. Many but not all of these are the Blue spin-off of a signature brand. Other youth-oriented branding includes words like Aqua and Sport names and spin-offs. Aqua Di Gio is actually one of my recommendations.

If It Looks Good, Smell It. One should never purchase cologne based upon the name, the box or the bottle. One buys the scent. But if something about what you see attracts you, it may be the result of a lot of marketing research designed to attract the right person. Unfortunately, it may also be the result of a lot of marketing research designed to attract as many people as possible. As always, let your own assessment of the scent be your primary guide.

The Established Signature Labels Tend to be the Best. If a brand of cologne has been around for a long time, people have been purchasing it for a long time because it smells good to a lot of people including both the people who wear it and the people who smell them wearing it. It may smell good to you too. If it does, wear it. Many people will like the way it smells on you.


ADVICE FOR WEARING COLOGNE
Have a Handful of Colognes in the Cabinet. If you wear cologne as a teenager, you are already among the minority. If you wear the same one every time or even every time you wear cologne, people will notice and some of them will get sick of it the same way they would if you wore the same sweatshirt every day. If you mix it up just a little, you’ll be interesting.

Too Much Cologne is a Turn-Off. Be careful not to overdo it, especially in school. If you put on four or more sprays before you leave for school, the whole first period classroom will smell it before the bell rings for second period. While you will not notice the scent within five minutes of spraying it on, everyone else will notice it whenever you show up. Before school, keep it to one squirt. And never do more than for four squirts if you are going to be around people who might judge you negatively for wearing too much cologne. If you really like the scent, indulge in that enjoyment by spraying your wrists and pillow right before you go to bed.


ADVICE ON PURCHASING COLOGNE
Shop at Stores but Do Most of Your Purchasing Online. Cologne is expensive. You can save twenty-five dollars or more per bottle by purchasing online, even after shipping. But you cannot smell cologne over the internet. I have made it a personal policy to only test colognes at stores at which I do business. When I buy a new pair of pants, I test out a new brand of cologne. If I want to test out multiple new colognes, only then will I make my cologne purchase at that store.

Buy the Smallest Container Possible. Colognes have a short shelf life. Even when a bottle twice the size is only 20% more expensive, you need to consider shelf life. This is another reason to buy online. The online store will generally have the smaller sizes available. If the last spray from a small bottle is still fresh, go ahead and buy a bigger bottle next time.

Check Out the Generic Brands<. There are plenty of rip-off imitations out there, but there are plenty of good values as well. I once purchased a six ounce bottle of cologne from a lady selling them in a parking lot. On the clipboard she was carrying was a generic brand of cologne that was listed as similar to Eternity. She had a tester in her trunk and I thought it smelled good, so I bought a six ounce bottle for ten dollars. In my opinion it smelled just a little bit better than Eternity, but I think it was because it had a much longer shelf life than brand name Eternity even though the bottle was twice the size. My final spray from that generic cologne smelled great.

Consider Buying Essential Oils. Colognes are scented oils dissolved in alcohol. Depending on the ratio of alcohol to oil, a men’s cologne scent can last one to four hours. Essential oils will not ever fill the room with your scent, but the scent of them will last all day. Like the generic cologne I bought years ago, some essential oil blends are meant to be similar to name brand colognes. And they are also much less expensive than those colognes. In short, it is worth trying them out.


MY RECOMMENDATIONS
And finally, these are the colognes I recommend for teenage guys. With this list, I will also break from my normal convention and update it from time to time as Philip and I gain more experience with men’s colognes. These assessments are mainly mine, but I may be borrowing some of the wording from the brand’s own marketing material or the reviews of knowledgeable or well established critics if I find myself in agreement.

#1 - Joop (by Joop) Joop‘s only problem is a name and color that will put most teenage guys on their guard. Hide it in your medicine cabinet and your signature scent will be a treasured secret. Joop is not as well known as some of the other colognes that made my list, but it has certainly stood the test of time and is easily found at any well-stocked cologne counter. A teenage guy who wears Joop will distinguish himself from nearly everyone else. Joop has a dominant spicy scent like all the more masculine scents listed here, but that spicy scent is augmented with a very well crafted set of fresh fruit notes. Joop lasts a very long time, though the fresh fruit notes seem to fade a little faster than the spice notes. Lifespan: 5/5; 55% Masculine; 45% Approachable

#2 - Fierce (Abercrombie & Fitch) Fierce is what you smell whenever you walk into an Abercrombie & Fitch store. It smells fantastic and smells especially fantastic on teenage guys. I don’t know anyone who dislikes this smell, but its efficacy for a teenage guy is challenged in that it is very recognizable (but nowhere near as recognizable as Axe), very intense and lasts only an average amount of time. Philip only wears it to dances now. Lifespan 3/5; 15% Masculine; 85% Approachable

#3 - Polo (Ralph Lauren) Any new cologne will be hard-pressed to beat this long time champion. The dominate notes are spicy and they are augmented by non-citrus fruits and just a hint of something smoky. Your teachers will probably recognize it. Wear it when you need to negotiate an extension on a term paper’s due date. As an alternative, try any of the Polo spin-offs except for Polo Black which has a painfully short Lifespan and would not smell right on a teenager. Lifespan 4/5; 60% Masculine; 40% Approachable

#4 - Eternity (Calvin Klein) There is a freshness and a gentleness about Eternity. It will put you and everyone around you at ease. Give that nice girl a reason to be happy and use two squirts before the two of you go see the basketball game against the rival school. Lifespan 4/5; 40% Masculine; 60% Approachable

#5 - Aqua Di Gio (Giorgio Armani) Aqua Di Gio is one of the best-selling men’s colognes. It also fares well among men across a wide range of ages. A teenage guy may have a teenage girl tell him that he smells like her dad. But she will not be teasing or complaining when she says that; she’ll only be telling the guy that she’s daddy’s girl. As an alternative, consider Armani’s Attitude. Lifespan 3/5; 20% Masculine; 80% Approachable

#6 - Dirty English (Juicy Couture) There’s nothing dirty about this great cologne at all. In fact I wouldn’t say it is particularly English either. It is very spicy and has a very nice smoky edge. Wear this to a student government meeting when you have decided it is time you took command. Lifespan 4/5; 65% Masculine; 35% Approachable

#7 - Only the Brave (Diesel) Only the Brave has a fun fist-shaped bottle. Its dominant notes are gentle spices. You will smell and feel clean wearing this. As an alternative, consider Diesel’s Fuel. Lifespan 3/5; 50% Masculine; 50% Approachable

#8 - Pour Homme (Yves Saint Laurent) This is the most masculine smelling cologne that made my list. Freshmen might want to wait, but Juniors and Seniors might want to bring it out to thrill their Prom dates. Lifespan 2/5; 75% Masculine; 25% Approachable

#9 - Brit (Burberry) The marketing behind Brit is the James Bond theme and this is a deliberate reflection of the very tone of the scent. You are sophisticated but ready run, fight or flirt. If you are a sophomore looking to score a date to the Junior/Senior Prom, put this on the day you plan to ask her. Just remember to dress well. Lifespan 2/5; 70% Masculine; 30% Approachable

#10 - Pour Homme Extreme (Bvlgari) Here is a very gentle scent that can be worn daily to accent your natural body scents favorably. As an alternative, consider Bvlgari’s Pour Homme. Lifespan 1/5; 25% Masculine; 75% Approachable

Related Post: Cologne for the Prom or Formal

The Benefits of Having an Insensitive Friend

Chloe is in the same class at school this year with Rita’s daughter Jasmine. As the girls approach middle school, the social dynamic has taken an interesting turn. Much friendship is sought but little friendship is given. Secrets are sought but confidences are violated. Ill-conceived words are taken as great offenses that must be returned with even more venom until two girls who were once friends are bitter enemies at home in tears over the other’s words. But days later all is repaired only to begin again anew.

But in this jungle some friends are less equal than others. Some are too in a hurry to perpetuate the madness while others are genuinely trying to merely get through. Katherine can be a lot of fun when she is with another girl just one on one. But once the crowd gets any larger, Katherine begins to play games. In this environment Katherine is her own worst enemy, but she brings others down with her.

Chloe’s problem is that she is too nice. Katherine begs Chloe to do things together and to talk about things. It doesn’t take Chloe too long to cave and cooperate. Katherine loves this, but at Chloe’s expense. In sharp contrast, Jasmine doesn’t put up with anything. It takes just one violation and Jasmine cuts people off for a long time. In short, Jasmine is too harsh while Chloe is too easy. In the center one finds an emotionally healthy tween girl. And in fact, when they work together, Chloe and Jasmine find that emotionally healthy place in the middle.

If one had asked them, they would not have been able to articulate just how well they had hatched their plan. Instead they simply found one another out of convenience. Chloe explained her problem and Jasmine had some very strong opinions about what to do, but Chloe only agreed to go so far. Both were nervous but working together they found the courage to execute a plan that would get Katherine to back down without any of the adults at school (especially their veteran fifth grade teacher Ms. Freeman) to accuse them of being mean. At recess they found a secluded place and worked out their plan. They memorized a short list of Katherine’s behaviors that they did not find acceptable. At the end of recess they confronted Katherine together and told her they did not want to be friends with her any more because of certain repeated behaviors.

Instead of trying to work things out with Chloe and Jasmine, Katherine did what they expected. She tried to get them in trouble with Ms. Freeman for being mean to her. But this time, Chloe and Jasmine were ready. They stayed after school and faced Ms. Freeman. They told their teacher exactly what behaviors they considered unacceptable and that they would not tolerate from Katherine. They said they did not want to play with Katherine as long as she continued to violate their trust. In the end, Ms. Freeman reluctantly agreed to Chloe and Jasmine’s decision not to play with Katherine. Katherine began crying, but Ms. Freeman held her ground supporting Chloe and Jasmine.

That afternoon, Chloe brought the story home to us. She had both a great sense of relief and a lingering sense of guilt. Chloe was especially moved by Katherine’s tears. It took us a while to figure out what had happened. In the past we had been concerned about Jasmine’s insensitivity and we still have some concerns. But those concerns were dwarfed by how manipulative and destructive Katherine could be. Amelia and I took Chloe’s words and walked through them together. We suddenly saw the value in Jasmine’s insensitivity.

Amelia and I never expected to say there were benefits in having an insensitive friend. But there we were agreeing and smiling at Chloe’s friendship with Jasmine.

Rethinking Payback

Conrad is the top defensive player on the Hermes Varsity Lacrosse team. He has short cropped blond hair and a boyish face. He has joined Philip, Bruce and several other lacrosse players who are not playing football this Fall to play indoor lacrosse during the off-season.

Indoor lacrosse and other indoor sports tend to be more violent than their outdoor counter-parts. The wall is what makes the difference. The action tends to slam players into the wall. Sometimes it is a foul and sometime it is not a foul. But either way, athletes do not like being slammed into a wall. Fights almost never happen during outdoor lacrosse games. But they are reasonably common during indoor lacrosse games.

During the first weekend in October, we faced a team with one particularly aggressive player. Throughout the first period he surfed the edge of acceptable behavior. But at the beginning of the second period he crossed the line. With all his speed, strength and weight, he slammed his stick into Conrad’s torso, pushing him all the way into the wall while continuing to lean his weight into his stick. One of Conrad’s ribs cracked under the force and the blow to the wall knocked the wind out of him. The aggressive player was given a five minute penalty and it enabled our team to climb way ahead in points scored. But it was the end of the game for Conrad. The action got Bruce thinking. And Bruce’s thinking quickly developed into a quiet exchange with one of the other large and aggressive players on our team: Brad.

On the other side of the playing area, parents were watching the game. I was quietly talking to the grandmother of one of the players on the opposing team. She was a bit taken aback by the aggressive play and I was remarking on the violent nature of indoor sports when both Philip and her grandson Jeremy stepped onto the arena. As it turned out the two were lined up to cover one another. Philip and Jeremy proved a good match to challenge one another. At that point the final period of play was well under way.

Not long afterward, the aggressive player from the other team joined the action. Jeremy got hold of the ball but Philip came right at him to challenge Jeremy’s control. With the aggressive player open, Jeremy passed the ball. In less than a second Brad and Bruce collided into the aggressive player from either side and knocked the aggressive player to the floor. Bruce and Brad held their opponent down on the floor and stripped him of his stick and helmet while delivering punch after punch to his face, chest and stomach. Not a single teammate came to the aggressive player's aid. The referee roared, but didn’t dare touch the brawl taking place on the floor. Philip and Jeremy each took a knee as did the majority of other players. Jeremy’s grandmother gulped, regained her composure and then said, “I am so glad your son and my grandson are not involved in that fight. How terrible they are doing that.”

I generally find such fighting repugnant. The system has ways to deal with such behavior but those ways are not fully preventative. Brad and Bruce were ejected from the game. Conrad left the bench and joined them, limping and holding his gut as he walked. A single five minute penalty was awarded to our team with no particular player specified. Between being a man down and missing some of our best players, the opposing team racked up several points in the final minutes of the game. In the end we only won by a single point. But the truth was nobody was thinking about the score or who won. The fight had taken the joy out of seeing a winner to the contest. Jeremy’s grandmother was still saying, “I am so glad your son and my grandson were not involved in that fight” when the final buzzer went off.

In the car ride home, Philip explained to me just how much Conrad had been hurt. And while I still did not like the decision Bruce and Brad had made, I began to see it in a different light. At roughly one hundred, fifteen pounds, Philip has been the team’s penalty magnet. But Philip has never taken a serious hit the way Conrad did that day. And while some look down on it, the threat of a payback from players like Bruce and Brad is a deterrent that ensures Philip is at least reasonably safe from the worst of indoor sports violence.

The Secret to High School Happiness

I think I may have stumbled upon the best kept secret to happiness in high school. Some would say it is good looks and charisma plus athletic and academic prowess. These certainly help. But most teenagers are lucky to possess even one or two of these qualities. It is the rare prodigy who commands the whole package. Yet somehow, there are teenagers who lack these qualities yet love high school. And likewise, there are many deeply gifted teenagers who hate high school. Philip’s enjoyment of high school has gone up dramatically in the past few weeks and I think I understand why this happened.

Last November, we traveled to Oxford Hills for a lacrosse scrimmage under the lights. In that venue, I discovered just how much fun it is to watch youth sporting events played at night under the lights. So when just a few weeks back Philip wanted to go to Hermes High School’s first Friday night football game, I was very happy to drive him to Loma Prieta as well as stick around to watch the game.

Loma Prieta High School had two sets of bleachers on the guest team side of the field. The left bleachers were occupied primarily by teenagers and the right bleachers were occupied primarily by adults. We arrived in the fourth quarter of the JV game. I walked over to the right bleachers, searched unsuccessfully for Raul’s father and then sat down. Right behind me was a woman I had never met and her teenage daughter. The woman was as gregarious as her daughter was shy. I introduced myself as Philip’s father. The shy girl was a new student at Hermes High School in Philip’s class. The two had just moved from out of State over the summer. But being new didn’t stop the mother from shouting above all the other adults to give each of the eleven Hermes players on the field instructions on what to do.

As the Varsity game began, I could see Philip and about five other Hermes sophomores had moved down from the bleachers to stand as close to the action as a three foot metal fence would allow them. Sophomores on the Varsity and JV Cheer squads approached the group from the field side of the fence to chit-chat before the JV girls exited the field area and the Varsity girls assembled for their game performance. As the Hermes Hawks returned the ball twenty-three yards from the Loma Prieta Lions kick-off, I saw the Hermes team mascot Nestor Hawk approach Philip and the other sophomores. The game quickly retook my attention and by the time I looked back at the sophomores, Philip and Nestor Hawk had disappeared. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw Nestor Hawk reappear with a different pair of sneakers plus thinner, whiter legs. “Is that Philip in the mascot costume?” I asked out loud.

The shy girl behind me let out a laugh and answered. “That is definitely Philip!” For the rest of that evening’s game, Philip danced, flapped his wings, mimicked the cheerleaders’ movements and ran with the flag-bearing spirit squad. At times, the crowd was paying more attention to Philip’s Nestor Hawk antics than they were to the game.

During the ride home, Philip expressed how much he enjoyed being the mascot and how much his antics were appreciated. He had already been invited to appear as the mascot again Thursday evening at the Girls Varsity Volleyball game against Conquistador High School. That role got him invited to a special celebration party hosted by one of the Varsity Volleyball players. As the Fall season has progressed, Philip has continued to exercise his showmanship as Nestor Hawk. He was also invited to perform as a nerd during a group dance routine at the homecoming rally. At home his mobile phone is alive with calls and texts from people asking him to be at various events.

As I have had time to reflect on these new developments, I believe I have quietly discovered the secret to high school happiness. High school happiness is a function of getting involved with the school beyond academics and even athletics. The other students who participate in the spirit squad, group dance routines and other school-related activities and fund-raising efforts also seem extremely happy and satisfied with high school. I do not know why athletics and academics alone are not enough, but clearly something happens when one moves beyond the standard pursuits. And for now, Philip has found his own happiness in such non-standard pursuits like being Nestor Hawk.

A Friend from Another Generation

I had not spoken with Raul in over a year. But suddenly he was standing next to me saying, “Hey Coach.”

Raul was Philip’s first friend in Hermes. In 2002, before moving from San Geraldo to Hermes, we signed up Philip for Little League Baseball in Hermes. We figured Philip would meet a bunch of kids on the team, and that one of them would almost certainly be in the same first grade class on Philip’s first day at a new school more than half way through the school year. When Philip started at his new elementary school in Hermes, he found Raul there waving him into the same class. The two shared a great season of Little League. For second grade and third grade, I coached the soccer teams on which Philip and Raul played together. To the degree that an adult and a child from different families can be friends, Raul and I have been friends for many years now.

This Fall, Philip has been practicing lacrosse twice a week at Hermes with the other players who are not presently absorbed by football. The off-season lacrosse players have a small patch of fenced-in artificial turf for two hours on Mondays and Wednesdays while the Freshman, JV and Varsity football teams dominate the wide open athletic fields on the Hermes High School campus for the entire week. I arrived on campus from my now fifty minute commute home about fifteen minutes before the lacrosse coach ended practice.

To keep the locker room from being over-crowded, the football coaches release the teams in reverse order of seniority half an hour apart. Raul has been playing on the JV squad this year. While the rest of the sophomore and junior players on the JV team walked by the artificial turf without even slowing to watch, Raul took the opportunity to catch up with me. Like Philip, Raul is lean and now taller than me. I asked him about football and told him I intended to see at least part of the upcoming JV game. He asked about Philip’s lacrosse team and for help identifying Philip from behind the helmets and light body armor. When I asked him how his younger sister was adjusting to high school, he sounded like his father. “She’s adjusting well. If anything, she’s adjusting a little too well in my opinion.” The conversation lasted a little over five minutes.

Like Philip, Raul looked ever so close to adulthood. Our conversation was not far from what would be said between two adults watching the scrimmage at the end of a high school lacrosse practice. I was proud of the boy I had coached and had under my home on multiple occasions. And I was proud of the young man he was today. Raul was healthy and confident. And he was completely comfortable engaging an adult as an equal.

Among Philip’s peers, some have always stood out as special to me. Many of these were ones I had coached along the way. Raul has always been one of the special ones. Coaches, family friends, teachers and others who work with youth in extracurricular activities get to play a minor role in a child’s upbringing for a brief window of life. There is a special satisfaction at the time. There is a special satisfaction that endures. And that enduring satisfaction comes to the surface whenever I get to speak with a kid I had once coached. For the special ones like Raul, the feeling of satisfaction is particularly enjoyable.

The last of the JV players walked just after I told Raul I was planning to catch at least part of his game. He smiled and said, “That would be great.” He then seemed to notice he was going to be the last into the locker room. “I should go get changed so I my dad doesn’t have to wait.” He turned and disappeared into the small current of JV football practice jerseys. And I couldn’t help smiling as I turned my attention back to the lacrosse scrimmage.

Some day Raul will be a full adult. If he and I still live in Hermes ten years from now, I suspect Raul and I will still be friends, and we will enjoy the kind of friendships older adults share with younger adults who are not from the same family.

Friends off Campus

Some friendships are temporal and some friendships are lasting. Most friendships are born out of shared experiences and values. In my experience, temporal friendships are sustained mainly by proximity. Lasting friendships are sustained by something deeper. For a tween or even a teen navigating the world of friendships, it is not always clear which friendships at school are lasting and which are temporal, but the ones off campus are almost always lasting friendships. Either way, the friendships off campus carry an important benefit.

Growing up, one finds value in friends to be more than just the state of having playmates. The best friends are those one can trust. But during a four to six year window that includes all or nearly all of middle school, the gap between the need for a trustworthy friend and a friend’s ability to be trustworthy is significant.

One wants to share private things with a friend who will keep one’s secret. But the temptation to expose another’s secrets normally exceeds the depth of a tween or early teen’s resolve to keep a confidence. As a result, friends off campus are safer, more reliable and more trustworthy merely as a function of their lack of proximity.

For this reason, Amelia and I have actively encouraged Philip and Chloe to develop friendships off campus. Within weeks of moving to Hermes back when Philip was in the first grade, Philip and Chloe had both formed friendships with the Rivera family. Joshua Rivera is one Philip’s best friends. Debbie Rivera has gotten close to both Philip and Chloe. And Abby Rivera is also one of Chloe’s friends. Over a longer period of time, Jack Rivera, their father, has come to be my best friend while Chelsea Rivera, their mom, has become one of Amelia’s best friends. With the exception of the two years Philip attended Oak Hills Charter School, Philip and Chloe have never gone to the same school with the Rivera’s.

Philip has fully grasped the idea that Joshua is the friend to whom the most private confidences can be revealed. Whenever we go to the Rivera house, Philip and Joshua go behind the house to where the two can lift weights and chat. Girls and parents are forbidden from joining them and they work hard to maintain their privacy by insisting that any interruption be important.

Chloe’s best friend off campus is Savannah. Samantha was the one who invited Chloe to participate in the play last summer. Over the course of the summer, Savannah introduced Chloe to her friend Holly. Holly also does not go to Chloe’s school. Lately, Chloe and Holly have been getting together and most of what they do is talk. During a recent lacrosse event in which Philip got to play with Division II college lacrosse players under the lights at Cabrillo High School, Chloe invited Holly to come along. During the two hour event, the two girls spent nearly the entire time walking around the track together while Amelia, Holly’s father and I were up in the bleachers watching the event.

Having friends off campus is something Amelia and I have encouraged and cultivated for Philip and Chloe. Now that they have reached the difficult years, the effort seems to be paying off. Each has friends with whom secrets can be shared and be kept safe. And no matter what happens on campus, there will always be supportive friends for them off campus.

Sustaining the Connection

For me, my sophomore year in high school was the turning point. Suddenly, I could feel adulthood looming on the horizon. Now nearly thirty years later, Philip is a sophomore in high school and I suddenly sense the ticking calendar. He loves me. But he needs me less than he has ever needed me. At the same time, he craves autonomy more than ever before. At unexpected times, Philip wants to fully engage. Most of the time, however, he prefers to be alone in his room with just the computer and his own musings to keep him company. But there are two exceptions to his unpredictable willingness to interact.

The first exception is the television. Philip’s tastes range from action and science fiction to documentaries. During the school year, our family rule is that the television goes off at 4:30pm on weekday school nights. That leaves only the weekend for me to share watching television with Philip. We have found a number of television shows available on DVD to watch over time. On many weekend nights, it is the last thing Philip and I do before we each head off to bed. But occasionally I get lucky. At the end of a show, when his mother and sister have often gone to bed, Philip will sometimes leverage these private times to talk to me about what is on his mind.
The other exception is sports and exercise. Philip is very willing to include me when I can help. In this new school year, it has meant signing him up for off-season indoor lacrosse in San Geraldo and regularly serving as the driver for him and other players from the area playing on his team

Philip’s intense interest in exercise went to an even higher level some time in the summer. We had expected him to sleep as late as possible each morning. But instead Philip set his alarm to go off before the first signs of light. He began doing push-ups and various abdominal exercises. Philip’s morning exercise routine has given me the opportunity to take him on multiple shopping trips to the local sporting goods stores. We’ve purchased athletic shoes, dumbbells and ankle weights. Now, half an hour before my own alarm is scheduled to play a local radio station, I hear the siren of Philip’s alarm clock. It is followed by the sound of him climbing out of his bunk bed and then either the stomp of his lunges or the clink of his dumbbells.

On an outing to the grocery store, I took Philip alone and encouraged him to browse the men's magazines. He took no interest in the publications that focused on body-building, gaming, cars or fashion. But the more broad-based publication, Men's Health, appealed to him, so I added the five dollar newsstand price to that day's grocery bill. After Philip devoured the August issue, I invested around twenty dollars to get him an annual subscription. Now every so often, he emerges from his room to show me a new exercise he read about and wanted to try.

For a while, all of Philip's dawn exercises were a private affair. But he wanted to start running. I volunteered to manage his stopwatch while he worked to improve his time on a neighborhood run of roughly seven hundred meters. Now when I hear the alarm go off, I get out of bed myself. I throw on shorts, a tank top and a sweatshirt. I knock on his door and tell him to get me when he is ready to run. Five to twenty-five minutes go by while I cat nap. If my own alarm goes off, I know Philip won't be running. But normally he chooses to run. I leap up and join him downstairs. We lace our athletic shoes together and head outside. Philip may stretch or do some quick warm-ups, but he is normally ready to go almost immediately.

With Philip at the edge of our driveway, leaning forward ready to launch into a sprint, I speak a crisp "Ready … set … go!" He disappears into the darkness down the street. I turn the opposite direction and briskly walk to our meeting point at a nearby intersection. In the quiet of the morning, I never fully lose the sound of his feet slamming into the pavement with a rhythmic beat from somewhere in the neighborhood. Shortly after I arrive at our meeting point, the rhythm starts to get louder. He picks up the pace for the final stretch of his morning run. Soon he passes the finish mark and I tell him how much time elapsed. The sound of Philip's fast, heavy breathing replaces the first rhythm with a new one. Together we enjoy the short walk back to our house.

Over the past few weeks Philip's morning sprint has become a ritual that helps me relish what is left of the time I have with Philip under my roof. But whether it is the rhythm of his running or the rhythm of his breathing, it is still the sound of the ticking calendar to me.

When Teen Life Intersects Adult Life

Teresa has been a good friend to Philip. I first saw Teresa at an off-season lacrosse game under the lights in Oxford Hills during November of Philip’s freshman year. While Amelia and I watched the game, Chloe paired off with Teresa’s younger sister to keep one another company. As it turned out, Teresa had a “new” boyfriend named Steven and he was playing Goalie on Philip’s off-season team. Even though she was there for her boyfriend, Teresa still made sure to spend some of her time after the game chatting with Philip.

His First Summer Internship

Philip did not earn any money this past summer. But he did work. During his Spring Break from Hermes High School, he interviewed for a summer internship with an online advertising agency and was offered the position. As it turned out, the real value for Philip working as the lowest man on the proverbial totem pole was found in the simple day-to-day experience.

It started with his alarm clock going off in the morning and the need to be dressed and out of the house on time to catch the County Bus. His bus trip lasted more than forty-five minutes and included a layover at the County’s central bus station in both the morning and afternoon rides home.

Once at the office, Philip went to his cubicle a few feet away from the office where his boss worked. The cubicle included an office chair and desktop computer with an internet and network printer connection. There was also a phone at the desk, but it was never switched on. The only other item of note was a slightly used cork board. Philip’s primary job was to search the internet for information of interest and provide that information back to his boss or whoever requested the research.

The internet research was pure “intern” grunt work. But Philip’s boss also gave a more long-term and interesting assignment. His boss wanted Philip to create a blog on which Philip could place affiliate advertising. At first Philip had no idea what kind of blog to create. In fact, other than reading this blog, Philip had no absolutely no experience with blogs. As a result, Philip struggled. Unlike school, Philip’s summer internship had no teacher to show him how to do his assignment. But eventually Philip decided to blog on a topic he knew well: PC Games. There were plenty of PC Games out there and new games as well as updates were constantly being churned out. While he didn’t buy or even play many of them, he had access to no shortage of people who could give their opinion and provide Philip insight from their experience. With PC Games as a topic, Philip at least had a plan.

Probably the most interesting thing Philip did over the summer was renegotiate his hours. After four weeks of sitting at his desk from 8:30am to 5:00pm doing only three to five hours of research work, Philip decided that he would like to arrive at 9:30 or 10:00am and leave at 1:30pm unless there was specific work to perform. Philip wanted to visit the beach and enjoy his summer a little more. So after discussing the matter with me and Amelia, Philip brought up the subject with his boss. As one might expect, his boss was already aware that he and his colleagues were only able to hand so much work to Philip, so the new hours worked out for all parties. For half of July and his remaining weeks in August, Philip worked just a half day at the advertising agency.

At the end of August with the new school year close at hand, Philip had rough drafts for two blog posts but had not actually created his blog. At home with Amelia, Philip reviewed the rough drafts with his mother. I as a reasonably experienced blogger worked with Philip on issues like color, font and style. Philip decided on using the Hermes High School colors for his blog and selected a font that worked for him. With Amelia, he decided to keep his posts between five hundred and eight hundred words. On the Wednesday of his final week with the advertising agency, Philip published his first blog post. And on Thursday, he deployed Google’s key-word advertising service onto his blog. And thus, Philip completed his 1most interesting assignment.

Friday August 20th was the final day of Philip’s internship. He wrote his boss a kind good-bye note and provided a link to the newly deployed blog. His boss replied with an equally kind note and an offer to serve as a reference. While the internship was nothing particularly amazing, Philip gained a taste of the working world. As for his blog and future posts, only time will tell if Philip will stick with it, or end the blog after only a small number of posts. This blog, however, will continue with at least three posts per month for the foreseeable future.

Endearing Adolescent Behaviors

Teenagers are no longer children but they are not quite adults. Part boy and part man or part girl and part woman, each is a complex mixture of maturity and immaturity, riding his or her last leg of physical, emotional, social and cognitive development up toward adulthood. Throughout history, the innocence and emerging boldness of young adolescents has been a cultural fascination.

Our culture today is particularly fascinated by teenagers. We find the combination of immaturity and emerging adulthood in a teenager highly endearing. Philip commented on his own feelings toward the immature behavior of teenage girls one day. “Lots of girls I know talk really fast and throw in ‘like’, ‘sooooo’, ‘oh-oh’ and ‘you know’ as filler,” he said. “I just find that really cute.” Moments after Philip made the comment, I remembered having similar feelings when I was his age. I remembered partially mimicking the communication pattern when talking with teenage girls. I would accelerate my own voice and throw in similar filler as punctuation to my half of the conversations. As an adult, I rarely speak with teenage girls, but when I do I now interact with extra deliberateness, extra articulation and less excitement than I would when speaking with an adult or even a teenage guy. I alter my communication behavior with teenage girls this way in order to clearly establish what I believe is an appropriate safe distance of unfamiliarity between adult men and teenage girls. As a result, it had been a very long time since I had witnessed this kind of teenage girl manner of speaking until just the other night.

The other night a group of families had gotten together for a late summer barbeque and many of the teenagers had invited friends along. The result was an unusual social mixture of adults, teens and tweens. Among the teenagers present was Philip’s friend Jocelyn. Jocelyn had recently returned from a month-long summer adventure into the Amazon jungle, and everyone wanted to hear the details of her rather unique experience.

As Jocelyn got more and more comfortable interacting with us as a group, she transitioned into what only could be described as a monologue. She spoke as quickly as she could think and released a stream of consciousness from which her story emerged in bursts and stops, often backing up to add extra detail that had initially been omitted. At least every other sentence contained the kind of filler words Philip described as cute. Jocelyn spent a while describing how her interest in the Amazon jungle first emerged early in the previous school year and then how her interest oscillated between intense interest in the Amazon and intense interest in various other summer pursuits as the school year progressed. Her recount of her oscillating interest culminated some time in April when it was only days before she had to register for the intercontinental adventure. Jocelyn’s long preamble included many references to her interactions with her mother who was clearly both very patient and very supportive throughout her daughter’s on-again-off-again decision process. I found it particularly touching how much Jocelyn chose to include her mother in this part of the retelling of her story.

Eventually Jocelyn transitioned to the trip itself. It included a brief description of the service projects she did in the villages, but she mainly focused on the details of day-to-day life. She first told us that in order to be culturally appropriate, her clothing had to be much more modest than had ever been required of her. Everything from her knees to her collar bone and shoulders needed covering. Then she talked about bugs, spiders and a large cat that pawed through the garbage one night. She ended her story talking about how she wanted to go to Africa next summer with the same teen adventure organization. The whole time Jocelyn spoke rapidly, jumped back and forth between distinct topics and punctuated her words with teen girl filler language. Philip was right. It was really cute.

The evening with Jocelyn was an important reminder to me. Though Philip and Chloe are now both in the second half of their tenure at home, I still have plenty of endearing events, actions and sayings to hear from both of them in the future. The happy memories will keep coming.

Family Summer Fun during the Great Recession

The national debt is climbing, unemployment is excessively high and every neighborhood has at least one foreclosed home sitting empty. Contractors are competing for substantially fewer bids and revenues at small businesses are down significantly. Even for those who are working traditional jobs, commissions, bonuses, raises and overtime are in short supply while pink slips, pay cuts and layoffs constantly loom.

Despite the problems in the economy in general and personal financial challenges in specific, our family has made an effort to have fun together but on a tighter budget. As summer rolls into its final month, I cannot say we have indulged in only what is free, but we have found some very good low-cost values.

Our first low-cost pleasure has been free concerts on the beach. The sun sets and the summer heat melts away in favor of warmth radiating from the sand and a cool breeze blowing in from the water. Upper body layering becomes essential: A shirt, a sweater or sweatshirt and a pullover are ideal. But one can always be barefoot. Chart-topping bands from the 60s, 70s and 80s leverage their faded stardom to attract baby boomers, gen-Xers and their families. Parking rates are high close to the beach, but for those of us who are willing to walk there are less expensive and even free alternatives.

When Independence Day came around, a larger crowd than usual watched the fireworks from a distance on a piece of open green space in our neighborhood rather than paying the pricey admission to see the fireworks up close from the celebration in the town’s largest park. We invited friends to join us beforehand for a potluck barbeque. Rita brought her son and daughter over. We also had Joshua, Debbie and Abby along with their parents, plus Kevin and Katie join us. The teens and tweens went into the back yard, played music and jumped on our trampoline until it was time to watch the fireworks. Philip and I left briefly for Philip to play in an exhibition lacrosse game at the town’s largest park that included players from the youth, high school and adult teams promoting the sport to the community.

When we thought about summer camp for Chloe, we found a great alternative in youth theater. For the cost of just one week of traditional camp, Chloe joined roughly fifty other kids ranging from ages eight to seventeen and had six weeks of three hour evening practices. She has been singing, dancing and memorizing lines. She built a small wardrobe of various costume changes. A t-shirt and a few other items will be fun clothes for the new school year and perhaps her most flamboyant costume will be what she wears this coming Halloween. Chloe has made one new friend, strengthened one old friendship, been mentored by outgoing teenagers and been looked up to by adoring pre-tweens. Production was scheduled for the final days of July. As we took Chloe to the theater two hours early on opening night, she was beaming with excitement, anticipation and confidence. The play was beautiful and Chloe is now looking forward to the cast party as well as future get-togethers with her new friend.

Our least expensive piece of family fun has been arguably our most favorite. We are reading a novel out loud to one another in the evenings before bedtime. Picture a story that combines various elements that made Harry Potter, Indiana Jones, The Da Vinci Code and Twilight popular and enjoyable reads. It may be an oversimplification, but that is what our family has found in a lesser-known novel titled Angelology by Danielle Trussoni. The thick novel spins a multi-generational tale of secrets, conspiracies, cover-ups, other-worldly beings, supernatural powers, great hidden libraries and remote caverns, good versus evil, romances and adventures. We curl up comfortably in our pajamas sinking into the soft family room furniture and wrap ourselves in blankets. We allow just enough electric light to read comfortably and augment the ambiance with candles, popcorn and hot cocoa.

As I drift off to sleep each evening, I wonder how we will remember this summer. Will we mainly remember the hardships? Or will our memories mainly include our low-cost indulgences? My guess is we will remember both, but what we will mainly remember is sharing life with each other during this particular window in the kids’ development. Fun and great memories can be had in tough times. And love can endure and flourish even in the toughest times, including the Great Recession.

Words and Acts of Affection

While the two are not particularly close, Philip and Davis travel within a loosely connected extended crowd that includes teens from all classes at Hermes and other nearby High Schools. Like Philip, Davis is fifteen and enjoying the summer between his freshman and sophomore year.

Philip met Davis one night in October at Charlotte’s house. There were perhaps forty-five teenagers present. Girls clearly but not ostentatiously outnumbered the guys. Just under half the guests were sophomores, followed by juniors, then seniors and finally freshmen. There were two freshman girls and three freshman guys: Philip was the only freshman guy from Hermes High School. Davis and the other freshman were from Conquistador.

Charlotte’s soiree highlighted the complex rituals of mutual validation high school girls carry on among one another particularly when greeting and saying good-bye. The rituals include shouting, squealing or even screaming one another’s names and nicknames, hugs and—especially when saying good-bye—the words I love you. These rituals are so important they spill over onto campus and online interactions as well as their interactions with guy friends. In social environments dominated by girls and these rituals, even the guys will cautiously hug and every so often even say I love you to one another.

But the rituals are not as simple as turning on a switch. Philip and Davis entered this crowd cautiously and likewise the crowd received them cautiously. It was two girls in the junior class, Renee and Jocelyn’s older sister Alison, who first started saying I love you to Philip and Davis. By January, the sophomore, junior and senior girls in the extended crowd had all made it a habit to say I love you to both Philip and Davis. The sophomore girls included Jocelyn, Jocelyn’s cousin Diana, one of the lacrosse player’s ex-girlfriend Teresa, Charlotte and Charlotte’s best friend Lauren, probably the most popular sophomore girl. The words I love you were often accompanied by a cautious hug. The freshman girls, however, would never give a public I love you to Philip or to Davis.

The words I love you were one thing and hugs were another. Girls nearly always give one another warm hugs. Guys—if they hug one another at all—give one another cautious hugs. The difference is that there is never any problem being close during a warm hug, but during a cautious hug, somebody is always being careful about just how close the hug is bringing them together.

Girls especially enjoy hugging in front of a camera. Girls will spend hours taking such photos. They often take the shots themselves in front of a mirror so that all present can be in the photos. Erica practically made a career of hugging in front of the camera. During the peak of her popularity, such hugs in front of the camera made Erica the other face in scores of profile pictures on Facebook. With guys, Erica would augment her sideways hug by pressing her hand and wrist onto the guy’s chest.

Since Philip never chases the camera, most pictures we see of him away from the family are taken with one or two girls sideways hugging him. During a Spring break trip to the beach on a cold day, Philip was in only four out of over a hundred taken. In each of the four, Alison and Philip had their arms around one another in a friendly, non-romantic sideways hug. After a barbeque, we saw a few pictures Philip enjoying sideways hugs with Teresa and Lauren. There were similar pictures from both events of Davis sideways hugging Jocelyn and Charlotte.

While Philip and Davis have been getting cautious hugs and the words I love you, Brian has been treated in a noticeably different manner all year. Brian is older and his popularity is huge. Brian, now between his junior and senior year, was Conquistador High School’s starting quarterback. Brian took Lauren as his date to his winter formal and Erica’s older sister as his date to his prom. No girl would ever condescend to give Brian a public I love you or hold back a warm hug. The lesson is a simple one. When a girl publicly says I love you to a guy, and hugs him cautiously, it carries genuine affection. But it also makes it clear he is not one of the hot guys and should not expect to be treated as such. In the eyes of any girl who is also a friend, Brian is unquestionably hot. But at least among older girls, Philip and Davis were not hot—at least until very recently.

On a sunny, windless and humid day in mid-July, many of the kids from the extended crowd were at a large pool together. The girls all wore two piece bikinis. The guys had their shirts off. Nearly everyone was in the pool chatting with one another. This was the first time Philip had his shirt off in front of these girls. While Davis had a belly spilling over his waistband, Philip could have been modeling for a Greek statue. His thin body and loose-fitting shirts had kept his six-pack abdomen plus his well-defined chest, shoulders and upper arms quietly hidden for months. But everyone present--including all the sophomore girls mentioned above—clearly witnessed Philip’s bulk, tone and fitness. When I picked him up and people were saying goodbyes, I noticed the change instantly. Philip was getting warm hugs from the girls and none of them were saying I love you. Davis was getting plenty of hugs, but they were all cautious and accompanied by the words I love you.

The change was not lost on Philip. Without anyone voting or and perhaps nobody even discussing it, Philip was now officially hot, and knowing it made him smile just a little.

Glitter on the Floor and Grinding at the Hips

The club’s rules were enforced to the letter. Club Avalanche’s trained security staff ensured no drugs, alcohol, weapons, or anyone out of dress code or outside the age window of fourteen to eighteen made it through the door. Throughout the evening the security staff remained an ever-vigilant presence inside the club to swiftly expel anyone looking for a fight. These strict rules made me as a parent feel good about Philip attending one of their events.

Over the course of four high school dances during his freshman year, Philip had come to like dancing. While the kind of dancing Philip’s generation practiced at Hermes High School was racier than what I had experienced in my generation, Philip seemed to have found a set of boundaries that worked for him and as such I was comfortable as a parent. After reading all of the Club Avalanche marketing material, I encouraged Philip to check out one of their events. But Philip was only guardedly interested.* He decided to check one out. But he specifically wanted to check it out without bringing a friend along, and he specifically wanted to check it out at their event in Oxford Hills, a thirty-five minute drive from Hermes. In short, Philip didn’t want to see anyone he knew when he went to his first Club Avalanche event.

The evening began with a long wait in line outside the club. The doors did not even open until ten minutes after the event was supposed to begin. I promised not to leave Oxford Hills until Philip had sent me a text message from inside the club. I took the opportunity to enjoy a stroll in downtown Oxford Hills. Half an hour before the event was supposed to begin, Philip sent me a text commenting on his discomfort with the crowd waiting outside the club. Most of the teens in line were displaying a tough exterior, and nobody was using the opportunity to meet new people. Philip did not see anyone else who was alone. He saw groups of guys and he saw large groups of girls with just one or two token guys in tow. He was still only guardedly interested when he finally made it inside.

Colored lights waved. Strobe lights flashed. A DJ played all of the most popular dance songs. Philip was immediately disappointed with how loud the DJ was playing the music. It was impossible for two people to hear one another talking. Philip scanned the room before taking any kind of action. And then he saw it. Over half of the kids were grinding while they danced. There were no rules against grinding or any other sensual behavior at Club Avalanche, although the dress code meant everyone kept their clothes on. There were no drugs, alcohol, weapons or threatening behavior inside the club. But any other rules that one might infer were not enforced at all. There were no parents, no teachers, no school administrators, no coaches and no other rules. If it was consensual and could happen without putting someone out of dress code, it was happening in multiple places inside those four walls.

After assessing the overall mood and climate in the room, Philip started dancing to the loud, fast hip-hop beat. He worked his way behind a girl close to his age dancing without a partner. He had learned to approach cautiously, giving the girl ample opportunity to give him a subtle signal of rejection. At Club Avalanche, he found he was more likely to be rejected than was the case at a Hermes High School dance. But he had expected as much, given he was a stranger to everyone there. Some girls simply didn’t dance with strangers and it wasn’t always apparent who would dance with strangers and who would not. If the girl in question leaned back into his chest, Philip would share the rest of the song with her.

From the proximity of the dance floor, Philip saw the grinding live and up close. Some of it was overt and explicit. But much of it merely involved taking the contact he considered to be normal and extending that contact lower. And so Philip decided to try out the less explicit grind dancing. He began dancing up to a slightly older girl he had already seen grinding with more than one guy. As he got progressively closer, she continued to welcome his advances. With his hands firmly on both her hips, he cautiously moved his hip forward until it was firmly pressed against her buttock. The move was welcome, so he slowly turned to press both his hips against her from behind while she leaned her full body back into him and continued dancing. She seemed both satisfied and distant. His mouth was just a few inches from her ear, but he knew that the music was far too loud for her to hear anything he might say.

The song ended quickly and Philip saw his first grinding partner move on to someone else. He continued the pattern of dancing up to a girl, first securing her acceptance to dance in close proximity and then securing her acceptance to grind. Not all girls who leaned back into him agreed to the grinding, but many still did. With the end of each song, a new dance partner needed to be found. Dancing among the grinders, Philip experienced a surreal, high-energy, wordless cross between speed dating and hookup culture. Eventually, he took a break and visited the men’s room. When the door closed behind him, the music volume suddenly dropped. He felt a numb buzzing sensation in his ears. Then over the music and the buzzing, he began to hear a small group of guys talking about the girls they had been with so far that evening. Their misogynistic attitude annoyed Philip. And yet, without the ability to talk, girls and guys who had not met before were reduced to objects of consensual play out on the dance floor. This is just stupid, he thought.

Philip left the men’s room and returned to the edge of the dance floor. He scanned the room with a newly focused set of intentions. This time, he was looking to identify the girls who were not grinding. He picked up that the girls who were younger and avoiding the center of the dance floor were generally non-grinders. Although members is this segment of the population were the least likely to welcome him to dance in his regular fashion, these younger, more cautious girls were the ones on whom he focused his attentions for the rest of the evening.

At his request, I picked up Philip outside the club about half an hour before the evening’s event officially ended. He didn’t have much to say, except to tell me he was not planning on attending another one of their dance events any time soon. A couple weeks later, he told me he had no intention of ever returning. And as time passed, Philip slowly disclosed the full story of the grinding culture and his brief experiment with it. He had no interest in grinding, especially with complete strangers. And he really hated that fact that he could not even talk to his dance partners over the loud music.

While Philip was embarrassed to disclose the specifics of his experience, it was hard not to be impressed with his depth. His morals and ethics did not grow out of a “do and don’t” list imposed from the outside. Instead, he merely values relationships. And there were no relationships—not even casual friendships—to be found on the Club Avalanche dance floor: just glitter.

* See my comment on this post for an important explanation for those of you who read this blog regularly.

The Double Scoop Boy

Summer is now upon us. School is over. Lacrosse season is over. Chloe celebrated her eleventh birthday. And last weekend we enjoyed this summer’s first ballroom dance event. The whole family went. Chloe brought her friend Wendy along. Philip and I wore dress pants, dress shirts, ties and blazers. Amelia, Chloe and Wendy wore formal dresses. The event was held at an ideal location. Just outside the ballroom was a large deck overlooking a three acre pond brilliantly reflecting a rising full moon.

Chloe and Wendy were nearly the only tweens who showed up for the dance event. There was just one tween boy besides them. Everyone else was either a teen or an adult. As the evening began to move forward, Chloe and Wendy discovered that nobody was asking them to dance. The one tween boy present was sticking close to a handful of teenage girls who were his sisters and cousins. And the thirteen and fourteen year old teen boys were giving their attention exclusively to the teenage girls. Eventually, the two came over to me to complain about their predicament. “Nobody is asking us to dance,” they said in near stereo.

“Why don’t you two go together, walk up to a group of boys and ask two of them to dance?” I asked. Their response was immediate, negative, certain and in perfect stereo. “Well,” I continued. “What if I offered you ice cream as a reward for asking?”

Wendy continued to shake her head, but Chloe got a gleam in her eye and said “Maybe.”

“Alright,” I responded. “You two decide what boys you would like to ask. Come back and talk to me at the end of the next song.”

Chloe knew how best to get what she wanted from me. So at the end of the next song Chloe walked up to me with Wendy at her side and said, “We want to know how much ice cream we get.”

I paused and looked around the room. “There is one boy your age in the room. Asking him to dance will get you a kiddie scoop. You can take turns asking him.” Having asked a boy to dance last summer, Chloe was much more comfortable with the idea than Wendy. Chloe simply waited for the next song to begin and then approached the tween boy who immediately accepted Chloe’s proposal. Chloe returned to us victorious at the beginning of the next song, but Chloe’s success did not inspire the necessary bravery in Wendy. But Chloe’s bravery had inspired the same in another. The tween boy approached us one song latter and asked Wendy to dance.

Getting the tween boy to dance was a good start, but I knew it was not enough. I carefully scanned the younger teen boys not knowing exactly what I was looking for until I spotted him. The Double Scoop Boy was standing confidently with three other boys close to his age. I had already seen him dancing with plenty of girls close to his age. He was not shy, and he seemed to be genuinely enjoying the evening. He had brown eyes, dark hair, light skin and just a few freckles. He was wearing a well pressed white oxford shirt, dark pants and a dark tie. His face still held some of the angelic features of a young boy. “OK, girls,” I said. “If you ask any teen boy to dance, I’ll buy you a single scoop. And if you ask the dark-haired boy in the white shirt to dance, I’ll buy you a double scoop.”

Chloe continued to take the lead. She asked a tall boy with a crew cut who was perhaps fourteen years old to dance. Then two songs later, Chloe approached The Double Scoop Boy and asked him. The Double Scoop Boy jokingly acted deeply flattered by opening his mouth and holding both palms forward before he relaxed into a smile and accepted Chloe’s proposal. He took advantage of the fact that he was taller than Chloe to twirl her as often as the music would allow.

The dance with The Double Scoop Boy had the effect I had intended. The boy with the crew cut stepped forward and asked Wendy to dance. Everyone saw the two girls having fun twirling beneath their young teen dance partners. And for the rest of the evening, Double Scoop Boy, the tween boy and a small band of young teenage boys (including one boy who had a mustache) kept Chloe and Wendy on the dance floor as often as any teenage girl was on the dance floor.

In the end, we all had a great evening. And now I am looking forward to another great evening. I will be spending it with Chloe and Wendy at the local ice cream shop where they will claim the double scoops I promised them.