Erica, the extremely popular girl, won’t be dissolving into the sea of Philip’s gal-peers any time soon. Light itself behaves differently when it touches her. Her eyes are engaging. Her smile is alluring. Her laugher is intoxicating. She is thin, toned and shapely. Inside, Erica is still a fourteen-year-old girl. She is a tangled and imbalanced mixture of maturity and immaturity, wisdom and foolishness, bravery and insecurity, kindness and cruel insensitivity. Rightly, wrongly or both, Erica is the sole owner of Philip’s young adolescent heart.
Philip knows he holds some place in Erica’s heart, but his prominence therein is a mystery to him. He catches looks, overhears perhaps intended whispers, and sometimes even witnesses her usual confidence melt in front of him. Is she single-minded or fickle? Is she working to cultivate the interest of multiple guys? Or is Philip the only one? He doesn’t know. He analyzes her words and actions endlessly.
The first school dance was on a Friday. She had held him close and tight. They had seemingly connected, singing the final song of the evening into one another’s faces. He fired off a carefully crafted note to her the day after the dance, but there was no answer. Then on Monday evening, she announced to the world via her Facebook page that she was dating Bruce, one of the football players. On Wednesday, Erica finally broke the silence between her and Philip. Philip was heading out from his final class of the day and walking with a friend. A girl's voice called out from behind him, “Phil.” Nobody calls him Phil except some of his teachers, so at first he kept walking. But there it was again, “Phil” only louder, closer, and this time the voice was more recognizable and clearly directed at him. Philip turned around and there was Erica. She was alone. Philip had never seen Erica alone before.
“Hi Erica,” he said. Philip could see his friend was in total shock at the sight of Erica behind them. Philip looked back at Erica. And for the first time he saw her looking lost and uncertain. There was a long silence as Philip waited to hear what Erica wanted to say. Her mouth opened but no words came out. He saw her inhale and then pause again. Philip had just chosen his words to break the awkward silence when one of Erica’s friends called out to her from nearby. She smiled and hurried over to her friend.
The brief exchange was all it took to keep Philip’s hopes alive. A week later, Philip saw Erica was online so he initiated a chat. They briefly chatted about wearing braces. Then Philip asked how things were going between her and the football player.
Philip: Hey whats up.
Erica: hey philip! nothing much what about yourself?
Philip: Nothing really...
Erica: Sweeeeet haha
Philip: So where were you during history?
Erica:i had an ortho appoiontment!
Philip Ohh.. so your braces are off now
Erica: no not yet, they come off in the beginning of decemberr
Philip: I still got 6 months or something
Erica: aww that sucks, i had mine on for 2 yeears
Philip: wow... So how are you and Bruce getting along ... If I can ask...
Erica: we're alright..i dont think its gonna last though
Philip: Hmmm... did something happen?
Erica: no i just really dont do well in relationships
Philip stared at the screen of his gaming laptop not knowing what to type next. Before he could decide, Erica went offline. But she had confided a secret. It was another one of those acts that kept Philip’s hopes alive. It would prove to be just one of many. The next day, Erica publicly dumped Bruce during the morning break. The relationship had lasted just ten days. The whole school knew about it by the end of lunch. But Philip had known the night before it happened. But he wasn’t going to let anyone know about his advance knowledge. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be a secret. And it is things like secrets that keep the hopes alive.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Ad Hoc Tween Scooter Socials
Our neighborhood has a huge number of tweens between the ages of nine and eleven. Rita’s daughter Jasmine is nine and Rita’s son Gary is ten. Add to that Chloe who is ten and Veronica’s younger brother David who is eleven and at least four more kids within a short distance from our home. On any given day someone has at least one friend over after school to play.
Over the years people have moved in and moved out. Friendships have developed and gone stale and then developed again. This school year, there is a decided hub of tweens who choose to congregate after school in front of our house. It started with Chloe and Jasmine deciding to spend a lot of their time together on their scooters. They ride back and forth between our house and Rita’s house at the other end of the neighborhood. It didn’t take long before Chloe and Jasmine were getting more adventurous with their scooter riding, traveling together further out into the neighborhood.
With Chloe and Jasmine’s adventuring in safe numbers, others soon joined. Even boys began to join. But the neighborhood is only so big with a single exit leading out onto a major road headed out of town. By October of this school year the afternoons developed into ad hoc tween scooter socials in front of our house. The tweens would ride about seemingly aimless. They wouldn’t need to talk as long as they were focusing on their riding. But they were free to speak up to one another at any time. It was the perfect safe social environment for their developing social skills.
From my home office in the afternoon I can hear a clacking sound of scooters moving over the pavement. Occasionally, a tween or an older sibling will pull out a skateboard and join the scooter-riders. At times, Chloe will invite her friends behind our house to jump on the trampoline. If the crowd is large, they will sit around the edge of the trampoline and talk in a way not unlike her brother’s teenage friends talk. But eventually they run out of things to say. When they do, they either disperse or go back to riding scooters. In the end, it is usually Chloe and Jasmine who are the last ones riding. The enjoyed their ad hoc tween scooter social and then went back to their own private riding.
Over the years people have moved in and moved out. Friendships have developed and gone stale and then developed again. This school year, there is a decided hub of tweens who choose to congregate after school in front of our house. It started with Chloe and Jasmine deciding to spend a lot of their time together on their scooters. They ride back and forth between our house and Rita’s house at the other end of the neighborhood. It didn’t take long before Chloe and Jasmine were getting more adventurous with their scooter riding, traveling together further out into the neighborhood.
With Chloe and Jasmine’s adventuring in safe numbers, others soon joined. Even boys began to join. But the neighborhood is only so big with a single exit leading out onto a major road headed out of town. By October of this school year the afternoons developed into ad hoc tween scooter socials in front of our house. The tweens would ride about seemingly aimless. They wouldn’t need to talk as long as they were focusing on their riding. But they were free to speak up to one another at any time. It was the perfect safe social environment for their developing social skills.
From my home office in the afternoon I can hear a clacking sound of scooters moving over the pavement. Occasionally, a tween or an older sibling will pull out a skateboard and join the scooter-riders. At times, Chloe will invite her friends behind our house to jump on the trampoline. If the crowd is large, they will sit around the edge of the trampoline and talk in a way not unlike her brother’s teenage friends talk. But eventually they run out of things to say. When they do, they either disperse or go back to riding scooters. In the end, it is usually Chloe and Jasmine who are the last ones riding. The enjoyed their ad hoc tween scooter social and then went back to their own private riding.
Friday, October 30, 2009
No Summertime Blues
Besides babysitting, younger teenagers have little opportunity to earn money. This is especially true for boys, since most parents want a girl to do the sitting. Philip actually has a babysitting job. Rita, our friend down the street, pays him thirty dollars every other Thursday night when the kids are not with her ex-husband and she has her certification class. On a normal Thursday, Philip works from 5:00pm to just after 9:30pm to earn his thirty dollars. That works out to about $6.65 per hour. That is less than the $10 per hour most girls earn babysitting in Hernes. But given Rita’s kids are older (at ages nine and ten, respectively) he generally can do all his homework at the same time and once everyone’s homework is done watch TV that is age-appropriate for the nine-year-old, bur still reasonably appealing to him. And finally, Rita is a good cause.
For those who remember Rita from last Thanksgiving, her finances have improved as a result of some government-sponsored programs and taking a roommate, but she is not out of the proverbial woods just yet. This certification program will go a long way toward helping her attain a viable single mom’s income.
While babysitting has been a nice source of income for Philip, his truly lucrative job is refereeing. At twenty dollars per game to start, Philip is earning roughly fifteen dollars per hour. Like babysitting, refereeing is one of the few jobs available to younger teenagers. But it is not an easy job to secure. Officially, one can begin refereeing for pay at age thirteen. But the job requires certification, and the final certification exam is not easy. In Philip’s class, all the other fourteen year olds were taking the exam after failing it the prior year. Even some adults did not earn a passing grade. In Philip’s case, he barely passed. But barely passing was all it took.
Philip has taken on working for pay cautiously. In theory he could referee at ten games each weekend if he worked full days Saturday and Sunday. Gaining the experience would qualify him to referee in higher paying scenarios. But instead he chooses to only referee at one or two games each weekend. For Philip at fourteen, he leisure time is very valuable to him. His bank account is fat enough as far as he is concerned.
I am reminded of an old song called Summertime Blues about a teenager who cannot find a healthy balance between his job and his leisure time. In Philip’s case, he has no Summertime Blues.
For those who remember Rita from last Thanksgiving, her finances have improved as a result of some government-sponsored programs and taking a roommate, but she is not out of the proverbial woods just yet. This certification program will go a long way toward helping her attain a viable single mom’s income.
While babysitting has been a nice source of income for Philip, his truly lucrative job is refereeing. At twenty dollars per game to start, Philip is earning roughly fifteen dollars per hour. Like babysitting, refereeing is one of the few jobs available to younger teenagers. But it is not an easy job to secure. Officially, one can begin refereeing for pay at age thirteen. But the job requires certification, and the final certification exam is not easy. In Philip’s class, all the other fourteen year olds were taking the exam after failing it the prior year. Even some adults did not earn a passing grade. In Philip’s case, he barely passed. But barely passing was all it took.
Philip has taken on working for pay cautiously. In theory he could referee at ten games each weekend if he worked full days Saturday and Sunday. Gaining the experience would qualify him to referee in higher paying scenarios. But instead he chooses to only referee at one or two games each weekend. For Philip at fourteen, he leisure time is very valuable to him. His bank account is fat enough as far as he is concerned.
I am reminded of an old song called Summertime Blues about a teenager who cannot find a healthy balance between his job and his leisure time. In Philip’s case, he has no Summertime Blues.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Extremely Popular Girl and the First High School Dance
If Philip’s life in Hermes were a Hollywood movie, Erica would be cast as the villain. Her popularity is off the charts. And isn’t the most popular girl always the villain in a Hollywood movie? But this is not a movie, of course. It is real life. Only the names of people and places are fictitious substitutes. Erica is a real person with real, genuine feelings. As Philip entered Hermes High School, he became aware of Erica almost immediately. Erica was the other face in just about every girl’s profile picture on Facebook. Erica—who somewhat resembles starlet Victoria Justice—devotes large amounts of energy to her hair, makeup and clothing. She seems to enjoy pressing close to someone—girl or guy—and smiling for the camera. Somehow Erica’s presence in each girl’s profile pictures makes the girl in question look better. Erica is kind, charismatic and friendly. Nearly everyone likes her. And nearly all the guys have some kind of in love interest toward her. But most are too intimidated to even talk to her. At the first school dance, Erica split her three hours on the dance floor time between just eight guys. Philip was one of them.
Philip’s first high school dance was a new experience. Gone were the beach ball rules of middle school. In my day there were fast dances and slow dances. But at Hermes High School there was one other form of dancing the kids called Durty Dancin’. For those unfamiliar, Durty Dancin' takes place during rap songs. It has the guy standing behind the girl following her dance moves. However, the guy's hands are in front of her. Cautious guys (like Philip) put their hands on the girl's midriff and leave them there. The bolder guys will imitate the girls arm and hand movements which usually means several one inch drive-bys up and down (sometimes back and forth) in front of the girl's breasts never quite touching but following their shape. There is clearly a rush for the guy regarding the possibility of the girl stumbling forward. Likewise there is clearly a rush for the girl in trusting the guy during each drive-by. There were (of course) girls on the dance floor who would guide their dance partner’s hands to make direct contact with their clothed breasts. And there was at least one guy who was trying to grope his dance partners in an unwelcome manner. After just three Durty Dances, Philip decided to take a break whenever a rap song started.
Like the school dances in my day, there were only a few slow dances. For the first slow dance, Layla cautiously approached and asked Philip to dance. He accepted. They danced without saying much, but he fulfilled his break-up promise to dance with her at upcoming dances. Later that evening Philip learned that Layla had paired off with one of the football players. The one turn-down Philip received was for the second slow dance. He asked a girl who had been on his first grade baseball team. She smiled and shook her head. By the third slow dance an intense headache came upon him. He went outside to get some air and discovered Jocelyn, Charlotte and most of the girls soccer team had completely sequestered themselves to socialize with one another rather than dance.
Finally, the last dance of the evening came. It was Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing, and it proved to be an upbeat slow dance of sorts. Having been one of the guys Erica had been willing to dance with at other times, Philip approached, tapped Erica on the shoulder and said “Would you like to dance?” Her response surprised him. Erica gave some words of acceptance and quickly grabbed hold of him. She held him tight and close. Her face was perhaps just two or three inches from his. Their arms entangled around one another, with Philip’s arms wrapped around her small waist and Erica’s arms tightly wrapped around his torso. At the chorus, they spontaneously began to sing the song to one another face to face. Philip had put on sunglasses and he kept his gaze forward the whole time.
Over those last minutes of the first high school dance, Erica completely captured Philip’s heart. As the song and the dance ended, they released one another slowly and gently. She thanked him and then scurried off to go talk with her girlfriends. He let his shaded gaze linger on her retreating figure before exiting the dance.
The following morning was Saturday. Philip sent a short email to Erica’s Facebook account thanking her for making the last dance of the evening fun. There was no response Saturday. There was no response on Sunday. Monday was a school day he did not share any classes with her and he did not see her during any of the breaks. There was likewise no response on Monday. But late Monday evening, he took a look at her Facebook account. Bruce, one of the football players, had just asked her out and Erica had accepted.
Philip’s first high school dance was a new experience. Gone were the beach ball rules of middle school. In my day there were fast dances and slow dances. But at Hermes High School there was one other form of dancing the kids called Durty Dancin’. For those unfamiliar, Durty Dancin' takes place during rap songs. It has the guy standing behind the girl following her dance moves. However, the guy's hands are in front of her. Cautious guys (like Philip) put their hands on the girl's midriff and leave them there. The bolder guys will imitate the girls arm and hand movements which usually means several one inch drive-bys up and down (sometimes back and forth) in front of the girl's breasts never quite touching but following their shape. There is clearly a rush for the guy regarding the possibility of the girl stumbling forward. Likewise there is clearly a rush for the girl in trusting the guy during each drive-by. There were (of course) girls on the dance floor who would guide their dance partner’s hands to make direct contact with their clothed breasts. And there was at least one guy who was trying to grope his dance partners in an unwelcome manner. After just three Durty Dances, Philip decided to take a break whenever a rap song started.
Like the school dances in my day, there were only a few slow dances. For the first slow dance, Layla cautiously approached and asked Philip to dance. He accepted. They danced without saying much, but he fulfilled his break-up promise to dance with her at upcoming dances. Later that evening Philip learned that Layla had paired off with one of the football players. The one turn-down Philip received was for the second slow dance. He asked a girl who had been on his first grade baseball team. She smiled and shook her head. By the third slow dance an intense headache came upon him. He went outside to get some air and discovered Jocelyn, Charlotte and most of the girls soccer team had completely sequestered themselves to socialize with one another rather than dance.
Finally, the last dance of the evening came. It was Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing, and it proved to be an upbeat slow dance of sorts. Having been one of the guys Erica had been willing to dance with at other times, Philip approached, tapped Erica on the shoulder and said “Would you like to dance?” Her response surprised him. Erica gave some words of acceptance and quickly grabbed hold of him. She held him tight and close. Her face was perhaps just two or three inches from his. Their arms entangled around one another, with Philip’s arms wrapped around her small waist and Erica’s arms tightly wrapped around his torso. At the chorus, they spontaneously began to sing the song to one another face to face. Philip had put on sunglasses and he kept his gaze forward the whole time.
Over those last minutes of the first high school dance, Erica completely captured Philip’s heart. As the song and the dance ended, they released one another slowly and gently. She thanked him and then scurried off to go talk with her girlfriends. He let his shaded gaze linger on her retreating figure before exiting the dance.
The following morning was Saturday. Philip sent a short email to Erica’s Facebook account thanking her for making the last dance of the evening fun. There was no response Saturday. There was no response on Sunday. Monday was a school day he did not share any classes with her and he did not see her during any of the breaks. There was likewise no response on Monday. But late Monday evening, he took a look at her Facebook account. Bruce, one of the football players, had just asked her out and Erica had accepted.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Building on a Fragile Foundation
Meeting Layla evoked feelings Philip hadn’t felt before. The day after she met him, she asked him out and he accepted. It was only a few days before school was about to begin. The idea of arriving at school dating one of the girls in his class was something Philip was both particularly looking forward to and particularly dreading. It was already going to be a brand new school. And while he had many friends at the school, he was going to be the new kid in the eyes of the vast majority of his classmates. He wanted to connect with his old friends (mostly guys) as well as make new friends, but he also knew he would have obligations to his new girlfriend. And a big unknown was how her social life would collide and interact with his social life.
The first day of school was a half day. Philip and Layla agreed to have lunch with one another. Amelia and I had agreed to his lunch plans, provided he was home by an agreed-upon time, and that he would answer his phone if we called him. I had expected them to eat lunch in the strip mall that was closest to Hermes High School. But instead the pair walked three miles down Hermes Boulevard to the main section of town where there was a Deli. They never stopped talking. They talked for over three hours. During the middle of the afternoon, I needed to run a brief errand and drove into town from my home office. I had no expectations of seeing them, but there the two of them were standing in the shade on a downtown sidewalk—not even touching—just talking in an animated manner. They looked very cute to me. But what struck me the most was that the look on Philip’s face displayed more happiness than I had seen since before his jaw injury at the beginning of the sixth grade. Despite all my parental reservations about the two rushing into a relationship after just meeting, I wanted it to work out for them.
Philip and Layla began dividing their free time at school—a morning break plus lunch hour—between themselves and their other friends. On Facebook the two made their relationship known to all their friends. Word of their relationship spread throughout the school and other students would often ask Philip about his relationship with Layla.
But not long after, the relationship went into a slow decline. Philip expressed his reservations about using the words boyfriend and girlfriend when they had only just met. They began to experience more silence during their efforts to speak—as if everything that could be said had already been spoken. They went to a music festival with Layla’s family. Philip bought her a rose ahead of time and gave it to her. They had their one true snuggle that evening back at Layla’s home under her parent’s non-intrusive supervision. But there wasn’t even any kissing. That Monday, Philip told me he thought he might want to break off the relationship. But then not long after he told me he was worried about what would happen if Layla’s family moved back to Holland. I encouraged him that the best thing for him to do was to get to know her better. I told him he was certainly free to break up with her if he wanted, but that he needed to do it kindly and respectfully. Dumping is not something we as a family do to people.
Philip and Layla also spent the next week splitting their school breaks between each other and their respective friends. Their third and final date was on Memorial Day. I took the two of them with Chloe to a water park in San Geraldo. When we arrived, Chloe and I enjoyed a daddy-daughter date, while Philip and Layla headed off on their own. They had fun, but they were talking less and less. During the ride home they were almost completely silent. Layla began playing a game on her mobile phone while Philip simply stared out the window.
That evening, Philip told me he was almost certain he wanted to break things off with Layla and I reiterated my support, provided he did not Dump her. Unfortunately, Philip was not so decisive. He avoided her at first and then apologized for avoiding her. But the apology gave him an opportunity to reiterate his discomfort using the words boyfriend and girlfriend when they had known one another less than a month. He agreed to focus on getting to know one another. But things were in rapid decline. On Monday, Philip ate lunch at Ethan’s table with Layla, but not much was said. Then on Tuesday’s morning break, Layla had a small meltdown on campus. She began teasing an ex-boyfriend named Brian. The teasing declined into kicks and slaps. Ethan arrived with four other large, confident older students and brought the situation under control. But the event solidified things in Philip’s mind.
That evening Philip talked to me about how best to break up with Layla. He didn’t think he could pull it off face to face or even on the telephone. He wrote a kind note instead. He wasn’t comfortable with the idea of handing it to her, so he emailed it to her. It was late Tuesday evening. She read it early Wednesday morning. Wednesday was an awkward day. While Philip intended to tell nobody, Layla confided in friends and word quickly spread.
People began approaching Philip asking him why he broke up with Layla. “It just wasn’t working out,” was not a very satisfactory answer to most, but it was all Philip had. Philip was embarrassed about the fact that his first romance only lasted twenty-three days. But he decided to swallow his pride and move on. Then he discovered something interesting. He was not alone. A whole bunch of peers had paired off during the first few weeks of school. One by one these relationships failed too. Most failed in less than two weeks. None he knows of lasted as long as the one he shared with Layla.
Today Philip understands intellectually that all these short-lasting relationships including the one he shared with Layla were built on very fragile foundations. Few younger teens focus on getting to know one another before agreeing to commit to an exclusive dating relationship. The desire to pair off is strong. And there is a fear that if the commitment isn’t sealed quickly the opportunity will go away. As a parent I cannot even estimate the number of times I’ve thrown out the phrase “emotionally healthy non-dating friendships” but that all evaporated in Philip’s young mind when a crush seized him. Philip has learned a hard lesson. But he knows he is not alone. My wish for him is that he will move forward with greater caution and navigate the choppy waters of young love with more wisdom the next time.
The first day of school was a half day. Philip and Layla agreed to have lunch with one another. Amelia and I had agreed to his lunch plans, provided he was home by an agreed-upon time, and that he would answer his phone if we called him. I had expected them to eat lunch in the strip mall that was closest to Hermes High School. But instead the pair walked three miles down Hermes Boulevard to the main section of town where there was a Deli. They never stopped talking. They talked for over three hours. During the middle of the afternoon, I needed to run a brief errand and drove into town from my home office. I had no expectations of seeing them, but there the two of them were standing in the shade on a downtown sidewalk—not even touching—just talking in an animated manner. They looked very cute to me. But what struck me the most was that the look on Philip’s face displayed more happiness than I had seen since before his jaw injury at the beginning of the sixth grade. Despite all my parental reservations about the two rushing into a relationship after just meeting, I wanted it to work out for them.
Philip and Layla began dividing their free time at school—a morning break plus lunch hour—between themselves and their other friends. On Facebook the two made their relationship known to all their friends. Word of their relationship spread throughout the school and other students would often ask Philip about his relationship with Layla.
But not long after, the relationship went into a slow decline. Philip expressed his reservations about using the words boyfriend and girlfriend when they had only just met. They began to experience more silence during their efforts to speak—as if everything that could be said had already been spoken. They went to a music festival with Layla’s family. Philip bought her a rose ahead of time and gave it to her. They had their one true snuggle that evening back at Layla’s home under her parent’s non-intrusive supervision. But there wasn’t even any kissing. That Monday, Philip told me he thought he might want to break off the relationship. But then not long after he told me he was worried about what would happen if Layla’s family moved back to Holland. I encouraged him that the best thing for him to do was to get to know her better. I told him he was certainly free to break up with her if he wanted, but that he needed to do it kindly and respectfully. Dumping is not something we as a family do to people.
Philip and Layla also spent the next week splitting their school breaks between each other and their respective friends. Their third and final date was on Memorial Day. I took the two of them with Chloe to a water park in San Geraldo. When we arrived, Chloe and I enjoyed a daddy-daughter date, while Philip and Layla headed off on their own. They had fun, but they were talking less and less. During the ride home they were almost completely silent. Layla began playing a game on her mobile phone while Philip simply stared out the window.
That evening, Philip told me he was almost certain he wanted to break things off with Layla and I reiterated my support, provided he did not Dump her. Unfortunately, Philip was not so decisive. He avoided her at first and then apologized for avoiding her. But the apology gave him an opportunity to reiterate his discomfort using the words boyfriend and girlfriend when they had known one another less than a month. He agreed to focus on getting to know one another. But things were in rapid decline. On Monday, Philip ate lunch at Ethan’s table with Layla, but not much was said. Then on Tuesday’s morning break, Layla had a small meltdown on campus. She began teasing an ex-boyfriend named Brian. The teasing declined into kicks and slaps. Ethan arrived with four other large, confident older students and brought the situation under control. But the event solidified things in Philip’s mind.
That evening Philip talked to me about how best to break up with Layla. He didn’t think he could pull it off face to face or even on the telephone. He wrote a kind note instead. He wasn’t comfortable with the idea of handing it to her, so he emailed it to her. It was late Tuesday evening. She read it early Wednesday morning. Wednesday was an awkward day. While Philip intended to tell nobody, Layla confided in friends and word quickly spread.
People began approaching Philip asking him why he broke up with Layla. “It just wasn’t working out,” was not a very satisfactory answer to most, but it was all Philip had. Philip was embarrassed about the fact that his first romance only lasted twenty-three days. But he decided to swallow his pride and move on. Then he discovered something interesting. He was not alone. A whole bunch of peers had paired off during the first few weeks of school. One by one these relationships failed too. Most failed in less than two weeks. None he knows of lasted as long as the one he shared with Layla.
Today Philip understands intellectually that all these short-lasting relationships including the one he shared with Layla were built on very fragile foundations. Few younger teens focus on getting to know one another before agreeing to commit to an exclusive dating relationship. The desire to pair off is strong. And there is a fear that if the commitment isn’t sealed quickly the opportunity will go away. As a parent I cannot even estimate the number of times I’ve thrown out the phrase “emotionally healthy non-dating friendships” but that all evaporated in Philip’s young mind when a crush seized him. Philip has learned a hard lesson. But he knows he is not alone. My wish for him is that he will move forward with greater caution and navigate the choppy waters of young love with more wisdom the next time.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Campus Warlords … Sort Of
Philip is still in his first month at Hermes High School. He hosted a party to reconnect with friends as well as make new ones shortly before school began. One of the new friends he made at the party, Layla, asked him out and the two had their first romantic date on the first day of school. Because it was a half day, the Philip and Layla left campus together and enjoyed lunch at a nearby deli.
But on most school days, lunch is on campus. They get a fifteen minute break in the mid-morning and a thirty minute lunch break in the early afternoon. Students tend to congregate into small groups during the two breaks. And especially during lunch, each group tends to center around a particularly charismatic student: A campus warlord of sorts.
Philip and Layla agreed to divide their breaks evenly between each other and their other respective friends. When not with Layla, Philip tended to join up with a group led by his friend Tim, a sophomore. Layla in turn tended to join a group led by a guy named Ethan, the older brother of one of Layla’s best friends. Layla tried joining Philip at the table with Tim and his other friends, but it did not quite work for her. Likewise, Philip joined Layla at Ethan’s table. Ethan quickly earned Philip’s respect as did Ethan’s other friends. But in general, if he wasn’t alone with Layla, Philip preferred Tim’s crowd, or the occasional visit to sit with Ross and Ross’ other friends.
During one recent lunch Ethan convinced his crowd to carry one of the lunch tables to a shady area at the top of a hill on the edge of campus. Tim and his crowd were sitting at the table next to the one Ethan carried away. After seeing Ethan’s plan unfold, Tim hatched a plan of his own and quickly convinced his friends to join Ethan’s crowd at the top of the hill with one important difference. Tim wanted to ride on the table while the eight freshmen and sophomores carried the load up the small hill. As they approached with Tim lying in a bodysurfing position on the table, Ethan caught the scene and began clapping. Soon Ethan’s whole table was giving Tim and his crowd a standing ovation.
Philip and Tim’s other friends placed the table down next to Ethan’s table and the small crowd hurried down the hill to retrieve their lunches. The two small crowds enjoyed a private lunch together with an overlook view of the small campus below. Comfortably before the bell each group carried their respective table back down to its proper place among the other lunch tables.
It proved to be a happy memory for Philip and perhaps many of the others who enjoyed lunch in a non-traditional manner that day at Hermes High School. More importantly, it was a bonding experience. Somehow the campus warlords managed to bring their friends closer together in a special and memorable way that day. As long as that is how they leverage their leadership, their warlord status is well-deserved.
But on most school days, lunch is on campus. They get a fifteen minute break in the mid-morning and a thirty minute lunch break in the early afternoon. Students tend to congregate into small groups during the two breaks. And especially during lunch, each group tends to center around a particularly charismatic student: A campus warlord of sorts.
Philip and Layla agreed to divide their breaks evenly between each other and their other respective friends. When not with Layla, Philip tended to join up with a group led by his friend Tim, a sophomore. Layla in turn tended to join a group led by a guy named Ethan, the older brother of one of Layla’s best friends. Layla tried joining Philip at the table with Tim and his other friends, but it did not quite work for her. Likewise, Philip joined Layla at Ethan’s table. Ethan quickly earned Philip’s respect as did Ethan’s other friends. But in general, if he wasn’t alone with Layla, Philip preferred Tim’s crowd, or the occasional visit to sit with Ross and Ross’ other friends.
During one recent lunch Ethan convinced his crowd to carry one of the lunch tables to a shady area at the top of a hill on the edge of campus. Tim and his crowd were sitting at the table next to the one Ethan carried away. After seeing Ethan’s plan unfold, Tim hatched a plan of his own and quickly convinced his friends to join Ethan’s crowd at the top of the hill with one important difference. Tim wanted to ride on the table while the eight freshmen and sophomores carried the load up the small hill. As they approached with Tim lying in a bodysurfing position on the table, Ethan caught the scene and began clapping. Soon Ethan’s whole table was giving Tim and his crowd a standing ovation.
Philip and Tim’s other friends placed the table down next to Ethan’s table and the small crowd hurried down the hill to retrieve their lunches. The two small crowds enjoyed a private lunch together with an overlook view of the small campus below. Comfortably before the bell each group carried their respective table back down to its proper place among the other lunch tables.
It proved to be a happy memory for Philip and perhaps many of the others who enjoyed lunch in a non-traditional manner that day at Hermes High School. More importantly, it was a bonding experience. Somehow the campus warlords managed to bring their friends closer together in a special and memorable way that day. As long as that is how they leverage their leadership, their warlord status is well-deserved.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Preparing Them for the Freedoms of Adulthood
“How much does one ease up on the protection we gave them as children in favor of the kind of freedom we will eventually fully release to them as adults?” In an email trade with Layla’s father, I wrote those words describing the timeless question parents of adolescents often ask themselves. We both struggle with the question, and we are not alone.
With Philip entering high school, it is a logical coming of age milestone to grant him wider freedoms. But I know it would be foolish of me to grant him those freedoms without training him to manage those freedoms. He is fourteen years old now. In less than two and a half years he will be seventeen and it will be legal for him to see an R-Rated movie without parental consent. The Motion Picture Association has all kinds of criteria that separate the R rating from the PG-13 rating. With Philip, I only care about one of them: The moments of soft pornography.
While it may be an over-generalization, in my mind R-Rated movies fall into two categories. There are the action movies which usually have a small amount soft pornography. And there are the comedies which often have a large amount of soft pornography. I decided now was the time to teach him how to handle the enticing images. A particular action movie had captured Philip’s interest. It was Gamer. I told him I would take him on the condition that he and I would talk about the soft pornography element of R-Rated movies before and after we watched it together. He agreed. As it turned out, Gamer fit my generalization by revealing four bare breasts in a manner that did nothing to advance the story line.
We all know adult men who are addicted to pornography. Some of them have had to admit to their problems and establish controls in their lives in order not to succumb to the addiction. Others live secret double lives, stealing awake late at night to indulge online or via some other medium and then hiding or erasing the evidence. And finally there are those who have openly embraced the addiction as a lifestyle. All are poignantly handicapped relative to the non-addicted. Except for the most vigilant members of the first group, they have a diminished capacity to keep their eyes from wandering. In developing romantic relationships, their relative interest in the woman’s body ranges from disproportionate to downright toxic. They find the unnatural shapes caused by breast implants and liposuctions to be most appealing rather than disturbing or monstrous.
While I do not want to be judgmental toward any individual, I do want to shape the kind of person my son grows up to be. And given how much our culture’s media displays such images, I believe it is an important part of one’s education to learn how to manage one’s reaction to these images. With really only one compromising scene, Gamer proved to be the perfect film for the first such training. Philip and I could discuss it afterward, and we did. He easily agreed the scene was unnecessary to advance the plot. Actually displaying the four breasts was unnecessary to accomplish the character development of the gawking adolescent in the movie. In the end Philip could see the requisite scene for what it was. It was there to satisfy someone with an agenda different from his own.
If Philip recognizes and embraces the values I hold, I know he can learn to master his own mind. With such mastery, he can enjoy the highest budget, most action-oriented movies. He can enjoy any public beach. And most importantly, he can one day fully enjoy the private intimate relationship he will share with a spouse.
The majority of parents I meet do not agree with my approach. One group declares the images are no big deal. I suspect most of these are people who themselves indulge in pornography as adults or have chosen to accept such indulgence by a spouse. The other group believes stricter rules that shelter their sons and daughters right up until each son or daughter leaves home is the way to go. While I certainly have a greater respect for this latter group, I have witnessed too many disastrous results to embrace their strategy. That said, of all the actions I am taking as a parent to raise my son well, this is the one I question the most. Time will tell whether or not it was a wise choice.
With Philip entering high school, it is a logical coming of age milestone to grant him wider freedoms. But I know it would be foolish of me to grant him those freedoms without training him to manage those freedoms. He is fourteen years old now. In less than two and a half years he will be seventeen and it will be legal for him to see an R-Rated movie without parental consent. The Motion Picture Association has all kinds of criteria that separate the R rating from the PG-13 rating. With Philip, I only care about one of them: The moments of soft pornography.
While it may be an over-generalization, in my mind R-Rated movies fall into two categories. There are the action movies which usually have a small amount soft pornography. And there are the comedies which often have a large amount of soft pornography. I decided now was the time to teach him how to handle the enticing images. A particular action movie had captured Philip’s interest. It was Gamer. I told him I would take him on the condition that he and I would talk about the soft pornography element of R-Rated movies before and after we watched it together. He agreed. As it turned out, Gamer fit my generalization by revealing four bare breasts in a manner that did nothing to advance the story line.
We all know adult men who are addicted to pornography. Some of them have had to admit to their problems and establish controls in their lives in order not to succumb to the addiction. Others live secret double lives, stealing awake late at night to indulge online or via some other medium and then hiding or erasing the evidence. And finally there are those who have openly embraced the addiction as a lifestyle. All are poignantly handicapped relative to the non-addicted. Except for the most vigilant members of the first group, they have a diminished capacity to keep their eyes from wandering. In developing romantic relationships, their relative interest in the woman’s body ranges from disproportionate to downright toxic. They find the unnatural shapes caused by breast implants and liposuctions to be most appealing rather than disturbing or monstrous.
While I do not want to be judgmental toward any individual, I do want to shape the kind of person my son grows up to be. And given how much our culture’s media displays such images, I believe it is an important part of one’s education to learn how to manage one’s reaction to these images. With really only one compromising scene, Gamer proved to be the perfect film for the first such training. Philip and I could discuss it afterward, and we did. He easily agreed the scene was unnecessary to advance the plot. Actually displaying the four breasts was unnecessary to accomplish the character development of the gawking adolescent in the movie. In the end Philip could see the requisite scene for what it was. It was there to satisfy someone with an agenda different from his own.
If Philip recognizes and embraces the values I hold, I know he can learn to master his own mind. With such mastery, he can enjoy the highest budget, most action-oriented movies. He can enjoy any public beach. And most importantly, he can one day fully enjoy the private intimate relationship he will share with a spouse.
The majority of parents I meet do not agree with my approach. One group declares the images are no big deal. I suspect most of these are people who themselves indulge in pornography as adults or have chosen to accept such indulgence by a spouse. The other group believes stricter rules that shelter their sons and daughters right up until each son or daughter leaves home is the way to go. While I certainly have a greater respect for this latter group, I have witnessed too many disastrous results to embrace their strategy. That said, of all the actions I am taking as a parent to raise my son well, this is the one I question the most. Time will tell whether or not it was a wise choice.
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