Meeting Layla evoked feelings Philip hadn’t felt before. The day after she met him, she asked him out and he accepted. It was only a few days before school was about to begin. The idea of arriving at school dating one of the girls in his class was something Philip was both particularly looking forward to and particularly dreading. It was already going to be a brand new school. And while he had many friends at the school, he was going to be the new kid in the eyes of the vast majority of his classmates. He wanted to connect with his old friends (mostly guys) as well as make new friends, but he also knew he would have obligations to his new girlfriend. And a big unknown was how her social life would collide and interact with his social life.
The first day of school was a half day. Philip and Layla agreed to have lunch with one another. Amelia and I had agreed to his lunch plans, provided he was home by an agreed-upon time, and that he would answer his phone if we called him. I had expected them to eat lunch in the strip mall that was closest to Hermes High School. But instead the pair walked three miles down Hermes Boulevard to the main section of town where there was a Deli. They never stopped talking. They talked for over three hours. During the middle of the afternoon, I needed to run a brief errand and drove into town from my home office. I had no expectations of seeing them, but there the two of them were standing in the shade on a downtown sidewalk—not even touching—just talking in an animated manner. They looked very cute to me. But what struck me the most was that the look on Philip’s face displayed more happiness than I had seen since before his jaw injury at the beginning of the sixth grade. Despite all my parental reservations about the two rushing into a relationship after just meeting, I wanted it to work out for them.
Philip and Layla began dividing their free time at school—a morning break plus lunch hour—between themselves and their other friends. On Facebook the two made their relationship known to all their friends. Word of their relationship spread throughout the school and other students would often ask Philip about his relationship with Layla.
But not long after, the relationship went into a slow decline. Philip expressed his reservations about using the words boyfriend and girlfriend when they had only just met. They began to experience more silence during their efforts to speak—as if everything that could be said had already been spoken. They went to a music festival with Layla’s family. Philip bought her a rose ahead of time and gave it to her. They had their one true snuggle that evening back at Layla’s home under her parent’s non-intrusive supervision. But there wasn’t even any kissing. That Monday, Philip told me he thought he might want to break off the relationship. But then not long after he told me he was worried about what would happen if Layla’s family moved back to Holland. I encouraged him that the best thing for him to do was to get to know her better. I told him he was certainly free to break up with her if he wanted, but that he needed to do it kindly and respectfully. Dumping is not something we as a family do to people.
Philip and Layla also spent the next week splitting their school breaks between each other and their respective friends. Their third and final date was on Memorial Day. I took the two of them with Chloe to a water park in San Geraldo. When we arrived, Chloe and I enjoyed a daddy-daughter date, while Philip and Layla headed off on their own. They had fun, but they were talking less and less. During the ride home they were almost completely silent. Layla began playing a game on her mobile phone while Philip simply stared out the window.
That evening, Philip told me he was almost certain he wanted to break things off with Layla and I reiterated my support, provided he did not Dump her. Unfortunately, Philip was not so decisive. He avoided her at first and then apologized for avoiding her. But the apology gave him an opportunity to reiterate his discomfort using the words boyfriend and girlfriend when they had known one another less than a month. He agreed to focus on getting to know one another. But things were in rapid decline. On Monday, Philip ate lunch at Ethan’s table with Layla, but not much was said. Then on Tuesday’s morning break, Layla had a small meltdown on campus. She began teasing an ex-boyfriend named Brian. The teasing declined into kicks and slaps. Ethan arrived with four other large, confident older students and brought the situation under control. But the event solidified things in Philip’s mind.
That evening Philip talked to me about how best to break up with Layla. He didn’t think he could pull it off face to face or even on the telephone. He wrote a kind note instead. He wasn’t comfortable with the idea of handing it to her, so he emailed it to her. It was late Tuesday evening. She read it early Wednesday morning. Wednesday was an awkward day. While Philip intended to tell nobody, Layla confided in friends and word quickly spread.
People began approaching Philip asking him why he broke up with Layla. “It just wasn’t working out,” was not a very satisfactory answer to most, but it was all Philip had. Philip was embarrassed about the fact that his first romance only lasted twenty-three days. But he decided to swallow his pride and move on. Then he discovered something interesting. He was not alone. A whole bunch of peers had paired off during the first few weeks of school. One by one these relationships failed too. Most failed in less than two weeks. None he knows of lasted as long as the one he shared with Layla.
Today Philip understands intellectually that all these short-lasting relationships including the one he shared with Layla were built on very fragile foundations. Few younger teens focus on getting to know one another before agreeing to commit to an exclusive dating relationship. The desire to pair off is strong. And there is a fear that if the commitment isn’t sealed quickly the opportunity will go away. As a parent I cannot even estimate the number of times I’ve thrown out the phrase “emotionally healthy non-dating friendships” but that all evaporated in Philip’s young mind when a crush seized him. Philip has learned a hard lesson. But he knows he is not alone. My wish for him is that he will move forward with greater caution and navigate the choppy waters of young love with more wisdom the next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment