We still have the digital photos from hosting Philip and his peers for a party at our house two summers ago. Three then-fifteen-year-old boys Philip, Joshua and Kevin were lined up on all fours. Then-thirteen-year-olds Debbie and Katie got on top of them, and finally with the help of Chloe and Ashley, tween Abby got on top to form a pyramid. There were plenty of smiles, laughs and snapping cameras.
A year and a half later, Katie is now fifteen. Chloe was over at Debbie and Abby’s house. Another girl, Tricia, was there but Katie was nowhere to be seen. Over the years we have known them, Debbie and Katie have had multiple falling outs. At first this seemed like yet another one of them. In many ways it was. But in other ways this was new. The girls didn’t approve of Katie’s new boyfriend, Ford, the amount of time Katie was spending with her boyfriend, how Katie acted now that she had a boyfriend, and other things that were initially communicated with a whisper directly into an ear so Chloe could not hear.
The three girls danced around the topic of their disapproval. But whenever Chloe pressed for an explanation, the three girls insisted, “It’s private” or “It’s a secret” or “It’s none of your business, Chloe.” It might have been none of Chloe’s business but that didn’t stop the three of them from continuing to gossip with unspecific words until only a very naive girl would not have figured things out. Sentences like “She kept wanting to tell us what it was like,” or “She wouldn’t shut up about the details” and “Like we really want to know that stuff,” led Chloe to conclude—probably correctly—that Katie had become sexually active. Comments on Facebook by Katie, her boyfriend and various comments served to solidify this conclusion. While nothing is certain, the shrouded comments and hearsay made me sad in two important ways.
First, Katie was simply not ready. Fifteen was simply too young. And from what little we knew, her boyfriend was significantly older. Katie’s personal life was difficult. Her parents were divorced and her mother was suffering from debilitating health problems. Financial problems were a logical consequence of the first two problems. In addition, Katie was not mature enough to be sexually active. If anything, her choice had been intended to prove she had maturity to those who had reason to doubt it. The relationship had only just started and had not yet stabilized. In truth, both Katie and the boyfriend should have known not to rush things, but teenagers, especially immature teenagers, will do so even if they know better.
The second thing that made me sad was the fact that her friends were incapable of being true friends at the time, and in the manner Katie needed them most. Katie confided and the result was that Debbie and the other girls pushed her away, gossiped and used the fact that they held a secret to make others feel excluded. This is a huge challenge for adolescents. Their need for the support of friends far exceeds the ability of her peers to provide true friendship. The thrill of gossip exceeds the moral fortitude to keep a confidence and be trustworthy. Katie’s friends also failed to help her make wise choices. Instead they vacillated from expressing awe that she had a boyfriend and was getting intimate, to expressing disgust at her choices in both the person and the behavior.
Weeks later, the friendship between Debbie and Katie is somehow patched up. With multiple families over at Debbie’s house one evening, Chloe witnessed the game of cattiness again. Debbie disappeared with Katie, Tricia and Abby and the four returned quickly in matching pajamas to take pictures of themselves together in front of a big bathroom mirror, intentionally excluding Chloe and the two other girls present, Sophia and Sophia’s sister Lana. Chloe and Lana were hurt by the exclusion but decided to enjoy one another’s friendship. Sophia was content to join Philip, Joshua and their friend Carson. “I hate that,” Sophia said. “That’s why most of my friends are boys instead of girls.”
“Yeah, really,” Carson answered in support. And the four laughed approvingly at Sophia and Carson’s small exchange. In the bathroom with the camera phone, Katie would occasionally name-drop her boyfriend Ford, but realized she couldn’t risk bringing him up too often lest she lose the approval of Debbie and the other girls. It seemed as if she was trying to appear more like an adult. But the truth was, Katie simply appeared like less of a child.
No comments:
Post a Comment