I remember almost nothing about the woman I'd never seen before or since. I have no memory of the conversation she had with my mother or the location it all took place. I only remember that immediately afterwards my mother and I got into her car to head home. Once the car doors were closed and my mother and I were effectively alone under the cone of silence, she turned the ignition and said matter-of-factly, "By the way, in case you did not notice, that woman was not wearing a bra."
I was perhaps the age Philip is now. I didn't think it was any big deal that some adult woman I did not know was not wearing a bra. And since my mother did not have anything else to say on the topic, it seemed my mother did not think it was a big deal either. Perhaps my mother disapproved of the fashion statement. If so, her disapproval was only mild.
Regardless, my mother had imparted knowledge I later appreciated having—not regarding the woman who had been speaking with my mother that day, but regarding other women (particularly my teenage gal-peers) whose torsos did not reflect the culturally normative dual torpedo look. I had once wondered whether they had some developmental abnormality. From that day onward, I knew there was no developmental abnormality. It became no big deal. It was at most an earthy fashion statement.
Fast forward to this past Saturday. Amelia and I helped our son Philip host a neighborhood teen social. Included among the guests was a teenage girl we barely knew from five doors down named Veronica. Veronica brought her best friend Heidi along. Veronica and Heidi proved to be perfect guests for Philip's teen social. They were fun, chatty and they were neither shy toward nor overtly interested in their guy-peers at the party, all of whom they were meeting for the very first time that evening. Veronica was tall, commanding and mildly athletic-looking. Heidi was more intellectual in her demeanor. She wore wire-rimmed glasses, and sported particularly fair skin, eyes and hair.
While refilling the bowl of chips some time in the middle of the party I noticed something else about Heidi I had not seen with any of Philip's gal-peers before. Heidi was not wearing a bra. Heidi’s choice of attire was consistent with her very earthy temperament and the realization was no big deal for me. By the time I returned to the other room to resume chatting with the other parent chaperones, I had already forgotten about Heidi’s earthy fashion statement. But some time the next day I did remember. And with that memory followed the memory of what my mother had said to me matter-of-factly years ago. I quickly concluded I owed Philip nothing less.
So on Sunday night, I invited Philip to go for a walk with me. We’ve gone for quite a number of enjoyable walks together during recent evenings, so my invitation was not a source of concern to Philip. But once we were alone on our walk I told him I wanted to have one of those father-son chats but that he had nothing to worry about. “In fact,” I said, “once we’re done, what we will have talked about will be no big deal.”
I began by telling Philip the story about my mother and the lady I barely remember. Once he understood the story and how I’d initially thought there was some developmental abnormality, I then told him that Heidi had not been wearing a bra and that was what a gal’s torso looks like when she is not wearing a bra. “Dad! I didn’t exactly eye her up and down last night,” he retorted.
“Of course you didn’t,” I replied. “And I didn’t eye her up and down either. I merely noticed. The next time you see Heidi, she probably won’t be wearing a bra then either. So after a quick glance, you’ll remember this talk and you’ll understand what you see. After that, it will always be no big deal.”
“Alright,” he quipped. “As long as you understand it is no big deal, dad.” And with that I knew Philip understood.
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