Twins Are Coordinated But Triplets Clash

Twin Day was announced at Orchard Heights Elementary School the day before it happened. The announcement fell on the heels of the Mileage Club award being given to Chloe, Patty and just three other third-graders—all of whom were boys. The award was a sharp looking royal blue t-shirt. With matching t-shirts in hand, Chloe and Patty quickly agreed they were going to be “twins” the next day and set about making their plans which also included putting their long hair up in ponytails.

Later that day, the class was in the library. Chloe and Patty were continuing to discuss their plans for Twin Day when their mutual friend Stephanie approached them. “The teacher says we are allowed to do triplets. You two are my best friends and I want to be triplets with you.”

I’d like to say Chloe and Patty gently but firmly explained to Stephanie that they had partnered for Twin Day to wear the Mileage Club t-shirts they had won. Instead they made a weak attempt to convince Stephanie to partner with someone else before giving verbal agreement to Stephanie’s proposal that blue shirts and blue jeans would make the three of them triplets. And to add another unintended insult to the following day’s injury neither Chloe nor Patty said anything about the ponytails; Stephanie’s hair was too short to ponytail. And while Chloe and Patty were true to their word about wearing blue shirts and blue jeans on Twin Day, the outcome would come as a painful shock to Stephanie.

Before the morning bell had rung to officially begin class, Stephanie was in a state of inconsolable crying. She told the teacher that Chloe and Patty had “switched” Twin Day outfits after the three had agreed on something else. Confessions and apologies were demanded and a “parent must sign” note went home that day with both Chloe and Patty.

I was the first parent to see the note. Chloe was visibly ashamed to hand me the note. Normally such notes are open-and-shut cases like talking in class. This note was different. Chloe and Patty were accused of being sneaky liars. And the note required them to give a written confession to lying. At that point I had Chloe walk me through all of the events and words traded that led to the disconnect regarding what to wear on Twin Day. It included very direct questions about the order of events and the exact words said. And while I was highly sympathetic to Stephanie’s genuine hurt and pain, I was deeply disturbed that my daughter had been coerced into a confession that exceeded her culpability. And so rather than merely signing the note, Amelia and I wrote one back. An abridged version of our note appears below. It reflects much of what Amelia and I value as parents.

Dear Miss Williams—

The note home says Chloe and Patty lied, switched their “twins” outfit and ultimately broke a promise they made to Stephanie. We have drawn different conclusions. Chloe and Patty certainly had a misunderstanding with Stephanie that resulted in deep pain and hurt. And we will work to help the girls mend their relationship. Nonetheless, there is a big difference between a misunderstanding and outright lying. We have concluded that wanting to appease her friend and satisfy her teacher, Chloe was coerced to admit to things she and Patty did not do.

We believe it is an important life skill to defend oneself when falsely or unfairly accused. For someone Chloe’s age who has learned that she is still loved even when she does something wrong, it is much easier and much less painful to accept culpability and move on, especially when the accusation comes from an authority figure—hence the need to develop such skills.

We’d like you to reconsider what happened. If you conclude as we have that this was a simple case of the kind of miscommunications and misunderstandings that happen among third graders, we think your support of this conclusion will work significantly to reconcile Stephanie to Chloe and Patty. If you conclude otherwise, that will be regrettable but we will respect your conclusion; we trust you’ll respect the fact that parents are not always going to agree with you.

Sincerely,

Scott and Amelia Askins

At not even ten years old, Stephanie, Chloe and Patty have reached the point in life when one desires friends and not merely playmates. Common interest may be what initially brings two kids or even two adults together in friendship, but loyalty, maturity, sensitivity and agreed-upon values are what sustain and grow true friendships. Unfortunately one’s desire for friendship at young ages exceeds what one’s closest and most well-intentioned same-aged friends can provide. The gap normally is most severe in middle school. For kids to continue to develop in an emotionally healthy manner during the tween and early teen years, it is essential for them to enjoy the care and respect of adults, beginning but certainly not ending with their parents.