Back in September, I started a new job with a new company. I went from primarily working out of my home office in Hermes to working at my new company’s regional office in Riverdale. It is a fifty minute commute. The office building is walking distance from the shops and restaurants in historic downtown Riverdale and even closer to an office building where I worked for six years when Philip was a small child.
The other day I walked past that old office building during my lunch break. There was my former office’s window looking down at me: Second floor, second window from the left. I could see the shade was lowered about one third of the way. My former company had been sold to a larger corporation and operations had been scattered to other locations. Someone I probably did not even know now occupied my former abode. The art work that once occupied the walls inside that office was now hanging from the wall of my home office in Hermes. Still, the second window from the left on the second floor looked virtually unchanged. It was enough to fill me with a flood of memories from that time.
The old company had relocated me and my family from another state to San Geraldo in order for me to work there. That six year job stint took me from the days when Philip couldn’t even pronounce his own name to the first half of his second grade year of elementary school. It included Chloe’s birth and the first three years of her life as well as our move from San Geraldo to Hermes. So much had been packed into a little more than half a decade.
It is funny what memories take hold for us to cherish. For me, one such memory dates back to Philip’s early days in preschool. I had taken the train to work that day. Young Philip loved trains. “Twain – twain,” he would say pointing whenever he spotted one. Amelia had plans to have dinner with a friend in Oxford Hills. We decided she would take Philip to my office for me to bring home. It would be his first chance to actually ride on a train.
Philip and Amelia arrived in the late afternoon. The train home would arrive forty minutes later. I wanted to make Philip’s rare visits to my office special. On that day I began two rituals which I would repeat each time he visited my office for the rest of the time he was in preschool. First, I took him to the office kitchen for a can of root beer from the refrigerator. Going forward, “Rooph Beer” was all he would get to drink in my office and we refrained from serving it to him in any other venue. The other ritual was drawing a picture. With my green highlighter pen and copy paper, I would draw “Dexter the Dragon” which was a children’s ride at the San Geraldo Zoo. Those rituals played out on perhaps twenty visits to my office over the next two years, always at Philip’s request. During some of those visits, Philip would get to ride the twain again.
Walking through downtown Riverdale the other day was an experience somewhere between stepping through a time portal and getting a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past. Some things looked exactly the same. There was still the hair salon run by an extended Vietnamese family that provided a fantastic men’s haircut for a fantastic price. Two coffee shops, two Irish pubs, two Thai restaurants and an upscale deli were still thriving businesses. Other things had changed. The Microbrew had changed its name and ownership. My Hungarian tailor had retired and a tanning salon had replaced his little shop. My favorite Mexican restaurant had gone. And the Armenian shoe repair shop had expanded business to include luggage repair. A lot is the same and a lot has changed in some eight years. What can be said about downtown Riverdale can also be said about my family.
Tonight, our whole family along with Chloe’s friend Patty will spend the evening enjoying a New Year’s Eve Ball. Guys will be wearing blazers and ladies will be wearing dresses. Amelia and I plan to watch from a distance as Philip dances with one elegantly dressed, lovely teenage girl after another while Chloe and Patty share dances with younger boys. On Sunday, Philip will take part in a lacrosse scrimmage under the lights at Cabrillo High School involving the area’s high school and college players. I plan to plant myself in the bleachers and soak in the pleasure of watching Philip holding his own against MCLA lacrosse players.
So much time has gone by. The adolescent Philip who ballroom dances and plays varsity lacrosse seems so different from the little boy who drank rooph beer and wanted to see another highlighter drawing of Dexter the Dragon before riding home on the twain. But every so often, something as simple as the sight of a second story window brings all those great memories back and connects them to the great memories that are being formed in the present.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Unfriending, Blocking, Unblocking and Refriending
The unfriend option is the first line of privacy defense one can use on Facebook. An unfriend can happen without warning. If the unfriender in question was unimportant, the unfriendee might never even notice and probably would not even care. But if the unfriender in question was important, the unfriendee can notice very quickly. Navigate to the unfriender’s profile and the Facebook page contains significantly less information and offers the opportunity to “Add as Friend” by clicking on a blue button.
The block option is a more serious privacy tool. These are the digital equivalent of a restraining order. Blocks can come without warning as well. They do what the word means. A blockee cannot even view a blocker’s pages. The only evidence a blockee can even see of a blockee might be in other people’s tagged photographs. But the blocker’s tag will not provide a link back to the blocker’s profile page for the blockee.
Facebook provides these options to users so they can defend their privacy online and associate only with those with whom they choose to associate. But the existence of such easily deployed defenses adds a new layer of complexity to how people set boundaries with one another. Adolescents are particularly active on Facebook. Unfriending and blocking happen with greater frequency among adolescents than they do among adults. Unblocking and refriending also happen with greater frequency among adolescents.
Every so often Philip experiences an unfriend from a peer and it is to the point where it generally does not even bother Philip any more. He knows that many of his peers are impulsive and that it only requires two clicks of a mouse to unfriend somebody. The act itself usually serves to lower Philip’s opinion of the unfriender in question. Since Philip will not send a friend request to anyone who has unfriended him, the unfriender puts himself or herself in the position of either sending a refriend request or remaining reciprocally unfriended.
Despite Philip’s social resilience to adolescent social politics on Facebook, there was one unfriend that did bother Philip. Nearly one year ago, Erica decided to unfriend Philip. Believing he could easily rectify whatever had led to the unfriend, Philip went to talk to Erica about it during their lunch break at school. In their exchange, she flatly denied unfriending him. But that evening, instead of refriending Philip, Erica blocked him. Her block was followed by Erica bad-mouthing Philip on Facebook, on Formspring and perhaps elsewhere treating the fact that Philip cared about the unfriending as something to joke about with others.
Erica’s unfriend could be written off as impulsive. Lying to Philip when he confronted her in an attempt to reconcile could be attributed to insecurity. The block was an insult that would admittedly be difficult to forgive. But in the end, the talking behind Philip’s back was nothing short of an act of war. For the remainder of their freshman year, things were cold at best between Philip and Erica. But the war Erica initiated took a very distant back seat in both their lives. Philip focused on the varsity lacrosse team, while Erica focused on developing a relationship with an older guy.
By the time their sophomore year was comfortably in session, there didn’t seem to be any outward evidence of a rift between Philip and Erica. Philip was back on Erica’s short list of guys she would press up against for photos. Their smiles in these photos as they were published onto Facebook certainly appeared genuine. But on Facebook, the unfriend and block were still in effect and would remain so until Erica at least made the first move.
That move took place some time before their Thanksgiving break. Perhaps Erica even did it on November 17th, National Unfriending Day. The exact date is unknown. But Philip suddenly noticed Erica’s tags on the photos in which they both appeared suddenly contained links to Erica’s profile page. Philip was glad that Erica had unblocked him, but he certainly was not comfortable initiating a refriend. Erica made her second move after the holiday break had begun by sending Philip a refriend request.
And that is where things stand at the time of this writing. The two have not traded words on the subject in nearly a year. Instead, everything has been unspoken. Now the request to be, Erica’s friend again greets Philip each time he logs onto Facebook. But Philip has still not decided whether or not to refriend with Erica or how long to wait if he does. While Philip is happy to be on friendly terms with Erica at school, the idea of merely accepting the refriend request does not sit well with him. Erica’s insult simply went too far and lasted too long.
And maybe there is just a little bit of satisfaction having the tables turned, because now Philip is the one refusing without explanation to refriend Erica, rather than it being the other way around.
The block option is a more serious privacy tool. These are the digital equivalent of a restraining order. Blocks can come without warning as well. They do what the word means. A blockee cannot even view a blocker’s pages. The only evidence a blockee can even see of a blockee might be in other people’s tagged photographs. But the blocker’s tag will not provide a link back to the blocker’s profile page for the blockee.
Facebook provides these options to users so they can defend their privacy online and associate only with those with whom they choose to associate. But the existence of such easily deployed defenses adds a new layer of complexity to how people set boundaries with one another. Adolescents are particularly active on Facebook. Unfriending and blocking happen with greater frequency among adolescents than they do among adults. Unblocking and refriending also happen with greater frequency among adolescents.
Every so often Philip experiences an unfriend from a peer and it is to the point where it generally does not even bother Philip any more. He knows that many of his peers are impulsive and that it only requires two clicks of a mouse to unfriend somebody. The act itself usually serves to lower Philip’s opinion of the unfriender in question. Since Philip will not send a friend request to anyone who has unfriended him, the unfriender puts himself or herself in the position of either sending a refriend request or remaining reciprocally unfriended.
Despite Philip’s social resilience to adolescent social politics on Facebook, there was one unfriend that did bother Philip. Nearly one year ago, Erica decided to unfriend Philip. Believing he could easily rectify whatever had led to the unfriend, Philip went to talk to Erica about it during their lunch break at school. In their exchange, she flatly denied unfriending him. But that evening, instead of refriending Philip, Erica blocked him. Her block was followed by Erica bad-mouthing Philip on Facebook, on Formspring and perhaps elsewhere treating the fact that Philip cared about the unfriending as something to joke about with others.
Erica’s unfriend could be written off as impulsive. Lying to Philip when he confronted her in an attempt to reconcile could be attributed to insecurity. The block was an insult that would admittedly be difficult to forgive. But in the end, the talking behind Philip’s back was nothing short of an act of war. For the remainder of their freshman year, things were cold at best between Philip and Erica. But the war Erica initiated took a very distant back seat in both their lives. Philip focused on the varsity lacrosse team, while Erica focused on developing a relationship with an older guy.
By the time their sophomore year was comfortably in session, there didn’t seem to be any outward evidence of a rift between Philip and Erica. Philip was back on Erica’s short list of guys she would press up against for photos. Their smiles in these photos as they were published onto Facebook certainly appeared genuine. But on Facebook, the unfriend and block were still in effect and would remain so until Erica at least made the first move.
That move took place some time before their Thanksgiving break. Perhaps Erica even did it on November 17th, National Unfriending Day. The exact date is unknown. But Philip suddenly noticed Erica’s tags on the photos in which they both appeared suddenly contained links to Erica’s profile page. Philip was glad that Erica had unblocked him, but he certainly was not comfortable initiating a refriend. Erica made her second move after the holiday break had begun by sending Philip a refriend request.
And that is where things stand at the time of this writing. The two have not traded words on the subject in nearly a year. Instead, everything has been unspoken. Now the request to be, Erica’s friend again greets Philip each time he logs onto Facebook. But Philip has still not decided whether or not to refriend with Erica or how long to wait if he does. While Philip is happy to be on friendly terms with Erica at school, the idea of merely accepting the refriend request does not sit well with him. Erica’s insult simply went too far and lasted too long.
And maybe there is just a little bit of satisfaction having the tables turned, because now Philip is the one refusing without explanation to refriend Erica, rather than it being the other way around.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
When Life’s Consequences Overtake Parental Punishment
I like to watch television shows on DVD with each of my kids. So does Amelia. Right now I am watching Season 1 of Glee with Chloe. The show has just about every high school subplot, stereotype and neo-stereotype the authors could squeeze into a single television season of forty-three minute episodes of what Philip calls High School Musical: The Series. Chloe loves it. I enjoy it. And most importantly it launches us into important daddy-daughter conversations.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
A Wrinkle in the Age Gender Gap
Some time in the middle of October, Teresa decided to put an end to her long term relationship with Steven. At least that was the official word. But it seemed to contradict her behavior during the lacrosse tournament on the final Saturday of October. A throng of tired lacrosse players arrived at the San Geraldo Sports Complex shortly after seven in the morning. To my surprise, Philip’s teammate Steven arrived with Teresa and she stayed to watch all five games.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Scoring a Fantastic Date to the Winter Formal
Philip’s sophomore Homecoming Dance is a rapidly fading memory. The next dance at Hermes High School is the Winter Formal. Besides the attire, the big difference between the Homecoming Dance and the Winter Formal is the number of people who go with a date. It is not quite the Prom, for which nearly everyone goes as a couple. But Winter Formal is the only other venue in which students who are not officially attached will go together as a couple.
That part of life is decades behind me, but I remember it well. As with many parts of my life long ago that Philip is now experiencing, I think I have learned some things since that time. For Philip’s sake and for the sake of any reader willing to heed my words, here is what I have to say about scoring a fantastic date for the Winter Formal.
That part of life is decades behind me, but I remember it well. As with many parts of my life long ago that Philip is now experiencing, I think I have learned some things since that time. For Philip’s sake and for the sake of any reader willing to heed my words, here is what I have to say about scoring a fantastic date for the Winter Formal.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Cologne for a Teenage Guy
I can remember the first time I bought myself cologne. I was sixteen years old and I knew exactly what I wanted because I had smelled it at a party during football season on an older football player. It was Ralph Lauren’s signature men’s cologne Polo for Men. Prior to that, my parents and grandparents had given me various colognes and scented aftershave lotions including Old Spice, English Leather and Oscar De Le Renta’s Pour Lui. None of these ever quite hit the mark for me, though Pour Lui had at least come close.
Polo for Men was my signature cologne for about a decade until one day a coworker showed up at work smelling absolutely fantastic. I knew I had to get that cologne which turned out to be Calvin Klein’s Eternity. Eternity was my signature cologne for years after.
Like me decades earlier, Philip’s developing interest in cologne has operated in lockstep with his developing interest in girls. During one of his early dances, Philip wore cologne for the first time by borrowing my Eternity. Later, Philip chose a brand of cologne by himself when Philip and I were at the mall updating his wardrobe. That cologne was Fierce by Abercrombie & Fitch. Months later, Philip still likes Fierce, but he has also concluded that it is too intense for most situations. I also enjoy the smell of Fierce on myself but know it smells like something too young for me in most social venues.
Our joint experience with Fierce has compelled me to do some anecdotal research in an effort to find colognes both for myself and for Philip. So while I normally do not publish anything resembling advice, I am going to make this an exception. Whether you are a teenage guy or somebody shopping for one, here is what I have learned shopping for my straight teenage son.
ADVICE ON FINDING AND SELECTING COLOGNE
Men’s Scents are Designed Primarily for Adults. This should be no surprise. What it means is that only a few will work for a teenager. Adults want to come across as older, younger, braver, smarter, more masculine, more gentle, more sophisticated, or more of something else. Of these, I see only two objectives that truly apply to a teenage guy. A teenage guy should look for a scent that presents him as both masculine and approachable. The ideal straight guy is a healthy mixture of both beast and scholar.
Don’t Ever Wear the Cheap Stuff. Philip has heard it more than once. He’ll be sitting with a group of girls during lunch and one of them will say, “Ugh! Some guy just walked by wearing Axe.” Unless you are still in Middle School, the cheap stuff will do more harm than good.
Skip Branding Associated with Hard Liquor. You will see names with Rum, Bourbon andCognac
Avoid Extremely Pungent Scents. There is a whole category of men’s colognes that seem to be targeting accountants, computer programmers and other “geeks” among adult men who want a strong scent to make them smell and feel much more beastly and much less scholarly than they are in their professional lives. In my experience one out of every three men’s colognes fit into this category. While these colognes might work well for their target segment among adults, they simply smell nasty on teenage guys. If the name of a cologne conjures up images of an action hero, it is probably one of these. Any of the Hugo Boss colognes (such as Hugo) and Azzaro’s Chrome are examples if you would like to do some shopping for your Research Scientist.
Avoid Heavily Citrus or Floral Scents. At the other end of the spectrum is a whole category of men’s colognes that seem to be targeting adult men in traditionally masculine, physically-oriented professions like construction or firefighting who want a scent that will make them smell and feel much more scholarly and much less beastly. While these might work well for that segment of adults, they simply smell effeminate on teenage guys. Carrolina Herrera’s 212 is an example if you want to do some shopping for your Gunnery Sergeant.
Avoid Branding that Communicates Sophistication. These are scents that are targeting men who want to come across as older or worldlier. If the branding message is too far off base for a teenage guy, odds are the actual scent is far off base as well. It is one thing for a teenager to smell like a twenty-something or even an early-thirty-something. But a teenager who smells like a he is forty or older smells ridiculous. Avoid Black and Silver spin-offs of signature labels and be cautious of any Black or Silver name.
Some Scents Fade Quickly or Change Over Time. When first investigating a scent, spray it onto your wrist at a store and then continue shopping. Avoid smelling your wrist for ten minutes and then sniff. What you smell after ten minutes is what and how strong the cologne will smell on you. If investigating multiple colognes, spray them onto the hard paper sticks or cards that are provided at the store. Write the name of the cologne onto the paper and do not smell it for five minutes. In my experience, roughly one out of every three men’s colognes will fade significantly sitting on hard paper for five minutes which means they will not last for even an hour on a man’s skin. Also, use the coffee grind they have at the cologne counter to clear your nose between sniffs. Before buying, you’ll need to do the ten minute wrist test to be certain.
Be Cautious With Branding that Communicates Youth. Here’s where the selection process will finally depend upon your olfactory prowess and personal preferences. Some youth branding is for older adults who want to smell younger. Such scents will simply smell wrong on a teenager. Many but not all of these are the Blue spin-off of a signature brand. Other youth-oriented branding includes words like Aqua and Sport names and spin-offs. Aqua Di Gio is actually one of my recommendations.
If It Looks Good, Smell It. One should never purchase cologne based upon the name, the box or the bottle. One buys the scent. But if something about what you see attracts you, it may be the result of a lot of marketing research designed to attract the right person. Unfortunately, it may also be the result of a lot of marketing research designed to attract as many people as possible. As always, let your own assessment of the scent be your primary guide.
The Established Signature Labels Tend to be the Best. If a brand of cologne has been around for a long time, people have been purchasing it for a long time because it smells good to a lot of people including both the people who wear it and the people who smell them wearing it. It may smell good to you too. If it does, wear it. Many people will like the way it smells on you.
ADVICE FOR WEARING COLOGNE
Have a Handful of Colognes in the Cabinet. If you wear cologne as a teenager, you are already among the minority. If you wear the same one every time or even every time you wear cologne, people will notice and some of them will get sick of it the same way they would if you wore the same sweatshirt every day. If you mix it up just a little, you’ll be interesting.
Too Much Cologne is a Turn-Off. Be careful not to overdo it, especially in school. If you put on four or more sprays before you leave for school, the whole first period classroom will smell it before the bell rings for second period. While you will not notice the scent within five minutes of spraying it on, everyone else will notice it whenever you show up. Before school, keep it to one squirt. And never do more than for four squirts if you are going to be around people who might judge you negatively for wearing too much cologne. If you really like the scent, indulge in that enjoyment by spraying your wrists and pillow right before you go to bed.
ADVICE ON PURCHASING COLOGNE
Shop at Stores but Do Most of Your Purchasing Online. Cologne is expensive. You can save twenty-five dollars or more per bottle by purchasing online, even after shipping. But you cannot smell cologne over the internet. I have made it a personal policy to only test colognes at stores at which I do business. When I buy a new pair of pants, I test out a new brand of cologne. If I want to test out multiple new colognes, only then will I make my cologne purchase at that store.
Buy the Smallest Container Possible. Colognes have a short shelf life. Even when a bottle twice the size is only 20% more expensive, you need to consider shelf life. This is another reason to buy online. The online store will generally have the smaller sizes available. If the last spray from a small bottle is still fresh, go ahead and buy a bigger bottle next time.
Check Out the Generic Brands<. There are plenty of rip-off imitations out there, but there are plenty of good values as well. I once purchased a six ounce bottle of cologne from a lady selling them in a parking lot. On the clipboard she was carrying was a generic brand of cologne that was listed as similar to Eternity. She had a tester in her trunk and I thought it smelled good, so I bought a six ounce bottle for ten dollars. In my opinion it smelled just a little bit better than Eternity, but I think it was because it had a much longer shelf life than brand name Eternity even though the bottle was twice the size. My final spray from that generic cologne smelled great.
Consider Buying Essential Oils. Colognes are scented oils dissolved in alcohol. Depending on the ratio of alcohol to oil, a men’s cologne scent can last one to four hours. Essential oils will not ever fill the room with your scent, but the scent of them will last all day. Like the generic cologne I bought years ago, some essential oil blends are meant to be similar to name brand colognes. And they are also much less expensive than those colognes. In short, it is worth trying them out.
MY RECOMMENDATIONS
And finally, these are the colognes I recommend for teenage guys. With this list, I will also break from my normal convention and update it from time to time as Philip and I gain more experience with men’s colognes. These assessments are mainly mine, but I may be borrowing some of the wording from the brand’s own marketing material or the reviews of knowledgeable or well established critics if I find myself in agreement.
#1 - Joop (by Joop) Joop‘s only problem is a name and color that will put most teenage guys on their guard. Hide it in your medicine cabinet and your signature scent will be a treasured secret. Joop is not as well known as some of the other colognes that made my list, but it has certainly stood the test of time and is easily found at any well-stocked cologne counter. A teenage guy who wears Joop will distinguish himself from nearly everyone else. Joop has a dominant spicy scent like all the more masculine scents listed here, but that spicy scent is augmented with a very well crafted set of fresh fruit notes. Joop lasts a very long time, though the fresh fruit notes seem to fade a little faster than the spice notes. Lifespan: 5/5; 55% Masculine; 45% Approachable
#2 - Fierce (Abercrombie & Fitch) Fierce is what you smell whenever you walk into an Abercrombie & Fitch store. It smells fantastic and smells especially fantastic on teenage guys. I don’t know anyone who dislikes this smell, but its efficacy for a teenage guy is challenged in that it is very recognizable (but nowhere near as recognizable as Axe), very intense and lasts only an average amount of time. Philip only wears it to dances now. Lifespan 3/5; 15% Masculine; 85% Approachable
#3 - Polo (Ralph Lauren) Any new cologne will be hard-pressed to beat this long time champion. The dominate notes are spicy and they are augmented by non-citrus fruits and just a hint of something smoky. Your teachers will probably recognize it. Wear it when you need to negotiate an extension on a term paper’s due date. As an alternative, try any of the Polo spin-offs except for Polo Black which has a painfully short Lifespan and would not smell right on a teenager. Lifespan 4/5; 60% Masculine; 40% Approachable
#4 - Eternity (Calvin Klein) There is a freshness and a gentleness about Eternity. It will put you and everyone around you at ease. Give that nice girl a reason to be happy and use two squirts before the two of you go see the basketball game against the rival school. Lifespan 4/5; 40% Masculine; 60% Approachable
#5 - Aqua Di Gio (Giorgio Armani) Aqua Di Gio is one of the best-selling men’s colognes. It also fares well among men across a wide range of ages. A teenage guy may have a teenage girl tell him that he smells like her dad. But she will not be teasing or complaining when she says that; she’ll only be telling the guy that she’s daddy’s girl. As an alternative, consider Armani’s Attitude. Lifespan 3/5; 20% Masculine; 80% Approachable
#6 - Dirty English (Juicy Couture) There’s nothing dirty about this great cologne at all. In fact I wouldn’t say it is particularly English either. It is very spicy and has a very nice smoky edge. Wear this to a student government meeting when you have decided it is time you took command. Lifespan 4/5; 65% Masculine; 35% Approachable
#7 - Only the Brave (Diesel) Only the Brave has a fun fist-shaped bottle. Its dominant notes are gentle spices. You will smell and feel clean wearing this. As an alternative, consider Diesel’s Fuel. Lifespan 3/5; 50% Masculine; 50% Approachable
#8 - Pour Homme (Yves Saint Laurent) This is the most masculine smelling cologne that made my list. Freshmen might want to wait, but Juniors and Seniors might want to bring it out to thrill their Prom dates. Lifespan 2/5; 75% Masculine; 25% Approachable
#9 - Brit (Burberry) The marketing behind Brit is the James Bond theme and this is a deliberate reflection of the very tone of the scent. You are sophisticated but ready run, fight or flirt. If you are a sophomore looking to score a date to the Junior/Senior Prom, put this on the day you plan to ask her. Just remember to dress well. Lifespan 2/5; 70% Masculine; 30% Approachable
#10 - Pour Homme Extreme (Bvlgari) Here is a very gentle scent that can be worn daily to accent your natural body scents favorably. As an alternative, consider Bvlgari’s Pour Homme. Lifespan 1/5; 25% Masculine; 75% Approachable
Related Post: Cologne for the Prom or Formal
Polo for Men was my signature cologne for about a decade until one day a coworker showed up at work smelling absolutely fantastic. I knew I had to get that cologne which turned out to be Calvin Klein’s Eternity. Eternity was my signature cologne for years after.
Like me decades earlier, Philip’s developing interest in cologne has operated in lockstep with his developing interest in girls. During one of his early dances, Philip wore cologne for the first time by borrowing my Eternity. Later, Philip chose a brand of cologne by himself when Philip and I were at the mall updating his wardrobe. That cologne was Fierce by Abercrombie & Fitch. Months later, Philip still likes Fierce, but he has also concluded that it is too intense for most situations. I also enjoy the smell of Fierce on myself but know it smells like something too young for me in most social venues.
Our joint experience with Fierce has compelled me to do some anecdotal research in an effort to find colognes both for myself and for Philip. So while I normally do not publish anything resembling advice, I am going to make this an exception. Whether you are a teenage guy or somebody shopping for one, here is what I have learned shopping for my straight teenage son.
Men’s Scents are Designed Primarily for Adults. This should be no surprise. What it means is that only a few will work for a teenager. Adults want to come across as older, younger, braver, smarter, more masculine, more gentle, more sophisticated, or more of something else. Of these, I see only two objectives that truly apply to a teenage guy. A teenage guy should look for a scent that presents him as both masculine and approachable. The ideal straight guy is a healthy mixture of both beast and scholar.
Don’t Ever Wear the Cheap Stuff. Philip has heard it more than once. He’ll be sitting with a group of girls during lunch and one of them will say, “Ugh! Some guy just walked by wearing Axe.” Unless you are still in Middle School, the cheap stuff will do more harm than good.
Skip Branding Associated with Hard Liquor. You will see names with Rum, Bourbon and
Avoid Extremely Pungent Scents. There is a whole category of men’s colognes that seem to be targeting accountants, computer programmers and other “geeks” among adult men who want a strong scent to make them smell and feel much more beastly and much less scholarly than they are in their professional lives. In my experience one out of every three men’s colognes fit into this category. While these colognes might work well for their target segment among adults, they simply smell nasty on teenage guys. If the name of a cologne conjures up images of an action hero, it is probably one of these. Any of the Hugo Boss colognes (such as Hugo) and Azzaro’s Chrome are examples if you would like to do some shopping for your Research Scientist.
Avoid Heavily Citrus or Floral Scents. At the other end of the spectrum is a whole category of men’s colognes that seem to be targeting adult men in traditionally masculine, physically-oriented professions like construction or firefighting who want a scent that will make them smell and feel much more scholarly and much less beastly. While these might work well for that segment of adults, they simply smell effeminate on teenage guys. Carrolina Herrera’s 212 is an example if you want to do some shopping for your Gunnery Sergeant.
Avoid Branding that Communicates Sophistication. These are scents that are targeting men who want to come across as older or worldlier. If the branding message is too far off base for a teenage guy, odds are the actual scent is far off base as well. It is one thing for a teenager to smell like a twenty-something or even an early-thirty-something. But a teenager who smells like a he is forty or older smells ridiculous. Avoid Black and Silver spin-offs of signature labels and be cautious of any Black or Silver name.
Some Scents Fade Quickly or Change Over Time. When first investigating a scent, spray it onto your wrist at a store and then continue shopping. Avoid smelling your wrist for ten minutes and then sniff. What you smell after ten minutes is what and how strong the cologne will smell on you. If investigating multiple colognes, spray them onto the hard paper sticks or cards that are provided at the store. Write the name of the cologne onto the paper and do not smell it for five minutes. In my experience, roughly one out of every three men’s colognes will fade significantly sitting on hard paper for five minutes which means they will not last for even an hour on a man’s skin. Also, use the coffee grind they have at the cologne counter to clear your nose between sniffs. Before buying, you’ll need to do the ten minute wrist test to be certain.
Be Cautious With Branding that Communicates Youth. Here’s where the selection process will finally depend upon your olfactory prowess and personal preferences. Some youth branding is for older adults who want to smell younger. Such scents will simply smell wrong on a teenager. Many but not all of these are the Blue spin-off of a signature brand. Other youth-oriented branding includes words like Aqua and Sport names and spin-offs. Aqua Di Gio is actually one of my recommendations.
If It Looks Good, Smell It. One should never purchase cologne based upon the name, the box or the bottle. One buys the scent. But if something about what you see attracts you, it may be the result of a lot of marketing research designed to attract the right person. Unfortunately, it may also be the result of a lot of marketing research designed to attract as many people as possible. As always, let your own assessment of the scent be your primary guide.
The Established Signature Labels Tend to be the Best. If a brand of cologne has been around for a long time, people have been purchasing it for a long time because it smells good to a lot of people including both the people who wear it and the people who smell them wearing it. It may smell good to you too. If it does, wear it. Many people will like the way it smells on you.
Have a Handful of Colognes in the Cabinet. If you wear cologne as a teenager, you are already among the minority. If you wear the same one every time or even every time you wear cologne, people will notice and some of them will get sick of it the same way they would if you wore the same sweatshirt every day. If you mix it up just a little, you’ll be interesting.
Too Much Cologne is a Turn-Off. Be careful not to overdo it, especially in school. If you put on four or more sprays before you leave for school, the whole first period classroom will smell it before the bell rings for second period. While you will not notice the scent within five minutes of spraying it on, everyone else will notice it whenever you show up. Before school, keep it to one squirt. And never do more than for four squirts if you are going to be around people who might judge you negatively for wearing too much cologne. If you really like the scent, indulge in that enjoyment by spraying your wrists and pillow right before you go to bed.
Shop at Stores but Do Most of Your Purchasing Online. Cologne is expensive. You can save twenty-five dollars or more per bottle by purchasing online, even after shipping. But you cannot smell cologne over the internet. I have made it a personal policy to only test colognes at stores at which I do business. When I buy a new pair of pants, I test out a new brand of cologne. If I want to test out multiple new colognes, only then will I make my cologne purchase at that store.
Buy the Smallest Container Possible. Colognes have a short shelf life. Even when a bottle twice the size is only 20% more expensive, you need to consider shelf life. This is another reason to buy online. The online store will generally have the smaller sizes available. If the last spray from a small bottle is still fresh, go ahead and buy a bigger bottle next time.
Check Out the Generic Brands<. There are plenty of rip-off imitations out there, but there are plenty of good values as well. I once purchased a six ounce bottle of cologne from a lady selling them in a parking lot. On the clipboard she was carrying was a generic brand of cologne that was listed as similar to Eternity. She had a tester in her trunk and I thought it smelled good, so I bought a six ounce bottle for ten dollars. In my opinion it smelled just a little bit better than Eternity, but I think it was because it had a much longer shelf life than brand name Eternity even though the bottle was twice the size. My final spray from that generic cologne smelled great.
Consider Buying Essential Oils. Colognes are scented oils dissolved in alcohol. Depending on the ratio of alcohol to oil, a men’s cologne scent can last one to four hours. Essential oils will not ever fill the room with your scent, but the scent of them will last all day. Like the generic cologne I bought years ago, some essential oil blends are meant to be similar to name brand colognes. And they are also much less expensive than those colognes. In short, it is worth trying them out.
And finally, these are the colognes I recommend for teenage guys. With this list, I will also break from my normal convention and update it from time to time as Philip and I gain more experience with men’s colognes. These assessments are mainly mine, but I may be borrowing some of the wording from the brand’s own marketing material or the reviews of knowledgeable or well established critics if I find myself in agreement.
#1 - Joop (by Joop) Joop‘s only problem is a name and color that will put most teenage guys on their guard. Hide it in your medicine cabinet and your signature scent will be a treasured secret. Joop is not as well known as some of the other colognes that made my list, but it has certainly stood the test of time and is easily found at any well-stocked cologne counter. A teenage guy who wears Joop will distinguish himself from nearly everyone else. Joop has a dominant spicy scent like all the more masculine scents listed here, but that spicy scent is augmented with a very well crafted set of fresh fruit notes. Joop lasts a very long time, though the fresh fruit notes seem to fade a little faster than the spice notes. Lifespan: 5/5; 55% Masculine; 45% Approachable
#2 - Fierce (Abercrombie & Fitch) Fierce is what you smell whenever you walk into an Abercrombie & Fitch store. It smells fantastic and smells especially fantastic on teenage guys. I don’t know anyone who dislikes this smell, but its efficacy for a teenage guy is challenged in that it is very recognizable (but nowhere near as recognizable as Axe), very intense and lasts only an average amount of time. Philip only wears it to dances now. Lifespan 3/5; 15% Masculine; 85% Approachable
#3 - Polo (Ralph Lauren) Any new cologne will be hard-pressed to beat this long time champion. The dominate notes are spicy and they are augmented by non-citrus fruits and just a hint of something smoky. Your teachers will probably recognize it. Wear it when you need to negotiate an extension on a term paper’s due date. As an alternative, try any of the Polo spin-offs except for Polo Black which has a painfully short Lifespan and would not smell right on a teenager. Lifespan 4/5; 60% Masculine; 40% Approachable
#4 - Eternity (Calvin Klein) There is a freshness and a gentleness about Eternity. It will put you and everyone around you at ease. Give that nice girl a reason to be happy and use two squirts before the two of you go see the basketball game against the rival school. Lifespan 4/5; 40% Masculine; 60% Approachable
#5 - Aqua Di Gio (Giorgio Armani) Aqua Di Gio is one of the best-selling men’s colognes. It also fares well among men across a wide range of ages. A teenage guy may have a teenage girl tell him that he smells like her dad. But she will not be teasing or complaining when she says that; she’ll only be telling the guy that she’s daddy’s girl. As an alternative, consider Armani’s Attitude. Lifespan 3/5; 20% Masculine; 80% Approachable
#6 - Dirty English (Juicy Couture) There’s nothing dirty about this great cologne at all. In fact I wouldn’t say it is particularly English either. It is very spicy and has a very nice smoky edge. Wear this to a student government meeting when you have decided it is time you took command. Lifespan 4/5; 65% Masculine; 35% Approachable
#7 - Only the Brave (Diesel) Only the Brave has a fun fist-shaped bottle. Its dominant notes are gentle spices. You will smell and feel clean wearing this. As an alternative, consider Diesel’s Fuel. Lifespan 3/5; 50% Masculine; 50% Approachable
#8 - Pour Homme (Yves Saint Laurent) This is the most masculine smelling cologne that made my list. Freshmen might want to wait, but Juniors and Seniors might want to bring it out to thrill their Prom dates. Lifespan 2/5; 75% Masculine; 25% Approachable
#9 - Brit (Burberry) The marketing behind Brit is the James Bond theme and this is a deliberate reflection of the very tone of the scent. You are sophisticated but ready run, fight or flirt. If you are a sophomore looking to score a date to the Junior/Senior Prom, put this on the day you plan to ask her. Just remember to dress well. Lifespan 2/5; 70% Masculine; 30% Approachable
#10 - Pour Homme Extreme (Bvlgari) Here is a very gentle scent that can be worn daily to accent your natural body scents favorably. As an alternative, consider Bvlgari’s Pour Homme. Lifespan 1/5; 25% Masculine; 75% Approachable
Related Post: Cologne for the Prom or Formal
Sunday, October 31, 2010
The Benefits of Having an Insensitive Friend
Chloe is in the same class at school this year with Rita’s daughter Jasmine. As the girls approach middle school, the social dynamic has taken an interesting turn. Much friendship is sought but little friendship is given. Secrets are sought but confidences are violated. Ill-conceived words are taken as great offenses that must be returned with even more venom until two girls who were once friends are bitter enemies at home in tears over the other’s words. But days later all is repaired only to begin again anew.
But in this jungle some friends are less equal than others. Some are too in a hurry to perpetuate the madness while others are genuinely trying to merely get through. Katherine can be a lot of fun when she is with another girl just one on one. But once the crowd gets any larger, Katherine begins to play games. In this environment Katherine is her own worst enemy, but she brings others down with her.
Chloe’s problem is that she is too nice. Katherine begs Chloe to do things together and to talk about things. It doesn’t take Chloe too long to cave and cooperate. Katherine loves this, but at Chloe’s expense. In sharp contrast, Jasmine doesn’t put up with anything. It takes just one violation and Jasmine cuts people off for a long time. In short, Jasmine is too harsh while Chloe is too easy. In the center one finds an emotionally healthy tween girl. And in fact, when they work together, Chloe and Jasmine find that emotionally healthy place in the middle.
If one had asked them, they would not have been able to articulate just how well they had hatched their plan. Instead they simply found one another out of convenience. Chloe explained her problem and Jasmine had some very strong opinions about what to do, but Chloe only agreed to go so far. Both were nervous but working together they found the courage to execute a plan that would get Katherine to back down without any of the adults at school (especially their veteran fifth grade teacher Ms. Freeman) to accuse them of being mean. At recess they found a secluded place and worked out their plan. They memorized a short list of Katherine’s behaviors that they did not find acceptable. At the end of recess they confronted Katherine together and told her they did not want to be friends with her any more because of certain repeated behaviors.
Instead of trying to work things out with Chloe and Jasmine, Katherine did what they expected. She tried to get them in trouble with Ms. Freeman for being mean to her. But this time, Chloe and Jasmine were ready. They stayed after school and faced Ms. Freeman. They told their teacher exactly what behaviors they considered unacceptable and that they would not tolerate from Katherine. They said they did not want to play with Katherine as long as she continued to violate their trust. In the end, Ms. Freeman reluctantly agreed to Chloe and Jasmine’s decision not to play with Katherine. Katherine began crying, but Ms. Freeman held her ground supporting Chloe and Jasmine.
That afternoon, Chloe brought the story home to us. She had both a great sense of relief and a lingering sense of guilt. Chloe was especially moved by Katherine’s tears. It took us a while to figure out what had happened. In the past we had been concerned about Jasmine’s insensitivity and we still have some concerns. But those concerns were dwarfed by how manipulative and destructive Katherine could be. Amelia and I took Chloe’s words and walked through them together. We suddenly saw the value in Jasmine’s insensitivity.
Amelia and I never expected to say there were benefits in having an insensitive friend. But there we were agreeing and smiling at Chloe’s friendship with Jasmine.
But in this jungle some friends are less equal than others. Some are too in a hurry to perpetuate the madness while others are genuinely trying to merely get through. Katherine can be a lot of fun when she is with another girl just one on one. But once the crowd gets any larger, Katherine begins to play games. In this environment Katherine is her own worst enemy, but she brings others down with her.
Chloe’s problem is that she is too nice. Katherine begs Chloe to do things together and to talk about things. It doesn’t take Chloe too long to cave and cooperate. Katherine loves this, but at Chloe’s expense. In sharp contrast, Jasmine doesn’t put up with anything. It takes just one violation and Jasmine cuts people off for a long time. In short, Jasmine is too harsh while Chloe is too easy. In the center one finds an emotionally healthy tween girl. And in fact, when they work together, Chloe and Jasmine find that emotionally healthy place in the middle.
If one had asked them, they would not have been able to articulate just how well they had hatched their plan. Instead they simply found one another out of convenience. Chloe explained her problem and Jasmine had some very strong opinions about what to do, but Chloe only agreed to go so far. Both were nervous but working together they found the courage to execute a plan that would get Katherine to back down without any of the adults at school (especially their veteran fifth grade teacher Ms. Freeman) to accuse them of being mean. At recess they found a secluded place and worked out their plan. They memorized a short list of Katherine’s behaviors that they did not find acceptable. At the end of recess they confronted Katherine together and told her they did not want to be friends with her any more because of certain repeated behaviors.
Instead of trying to work things out with Chloe and Jasmine, Katherine did what they expected. She tried to get them in trouble with Ms. Freeman for being mean to her. But this time, Chloe and Jasmine were ready. They stayed after school and faced Ms. Freeman. They told their teacher exactly what behaviors they considered unacceptable and that they would not tolerate from Katherine. They said they did not want to play with Katherine as long as she continued to violate their trust. In the end, Ms. Freeman reluctantly agreed to Chloe and Jasmine’s decision not to play with Katherine. Katherine began crying, but Ms. Freeman held her ground supporting Chloe and Jasmine.
That afternoon, Chloe brought the story home to us. She had both a great sense of relief and a lingering sense of guilt. Chloe was especially moved by Katherine’s tears. It took us a while to figure out what had happened. In the past we had been concerned about Jasmine’s insensitivity and we still have some concerns. But those concerns were dwarfed by how manipulative and destructive Katherine could be. Amelia and I took Chloe’s words and walked through them together. We suddenly saw the value in Jasmine’s insensitivity.
Amelia and I never expected to say there were benefits in having an insensitive friend. But there we were agreeing and smiling at Chloe’s friendship with Jasmine.
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