I like to watch television shows on DVD with each of my kids. So does Amelia. Right now I am watching Season 1 of Glee with Chloe. The show has just about every high school subplot, stereotype and neo-stereotype the authors could squeeze into a single television season of forty-three minute episodes of what Philip calls High School Musical: The Series. Chloe loves it. I enjoy it. And most importantly it launches us into important daddy-daughter conversations.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
A Wrinkle in the Age Gender Gap
Some time in the middle of October, Teresa decided to put an end to her long term relationship with Steven. At least that was the official word. But it seemed to contradict her behavior during the lacrosse tournament on the final Saturday of October. A throng of tired lacrosse players arrived at the San Geraldo Sports Complex shortly after seven in the morning. To my surprise, Philip’s teammate Steven arrived with Teresa and she stayed to watch all five games.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Scoring a Fantastic Date to the Winter Formal
Philip’s sophomore Homecoming Dance is a rapidly fading memory. The next dance at Hermes High School is the Winter Formal. Besides the attire, the big difference between the Homecoming Dance and the Winter Formal is the number of people who go with a date. It is not quite the Prom, for which nearly everyone goes as a couple. But Winter Formal is the only other venue in which students who are not officially attached will go together as a couple.
That part of life is decades behind me, but I remember it well. As with many parts of my life long ago that Philip is now experiencing, I think I have learned some things since that time. For Philip’s sake and for the sake of any reader willing to heed my words, here is what I have to say about scoring a fantastic date for the Winter Formal.
That part of life is decades behind me, but I remember it well. As with many parts of my life long ago that Philip is now experiencing, I think I have learned some things since that time. For Philip’s sake and for the sake of any reader willing to heed my words, here is what I have to say about scoring a fantastic date for the Winter Formal.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Cologne for a Teenage Guy
I can remember the first time I bought myself cologne. I was sixteen years old and I knew exactly what I wanted because I had smelled it at a party during football season on an older football player. It was Ralph Lauren’s signature men’s cologne Polo for Men. Prior to that, my parents and grandparents had given me various colognes and scented aftershave lotions including Old Spice, English Leather and Oscar De Le Renta’s Pour Lui. None of these ever quite hit the mark for me, though Pour Lui had at least come close.
Polo for Men was my signature cologne for about a decade until one day a coworker showed up at work smelling absolutely fantastic. I knew I had to get that cologne which turned out to be Calvin Klein’s Eternity. Eternity was my signature cologne for years after.
Like me decades earlier, Philip’s developing interest in cologne has operated in lockstep with his developing interest in girls. During one of his early dances, Philip wore cologne for the first time by borrowing my Eternity. Later, Philip chose a brand of cologne by himself when Philip and I were at the mall updating his wardrobe. That cologne was Fierce by Abercrombie & Fitch. Months later, Philip still likes Fierce, but he has also concluded that it is too intense for most situations. I also enjoy the smell of Fierce on myself but know it smells like something too young for me in most social venues.
Our joint experience with Fierce has compelled me to do some anecdotal research in an effort to find colognes both for myself and for Philip. So while I normally do not publish anything resembling advice, I am going to make this an exception. Whether you are a teenage guy or somebody shopping for one, here is what I have learned shopping for my straight teenage son.
ADVICE ON FINDING AND SELECTING COLOGNE
Men’s Scents are Designed Primarily for Adults. This should be no surprise. What it means is that only a few will work for a teenager. Adults want to come across as older, younger, braver, smarter, more masculine, more gentle, more sophisticated, or more of something else. Of these, I see only two objectives that truly apply to a teenage guy. A teenage guy should look for a scent that presents him as both masculine and approachable. The ideal straight guy is a healthy mixture of both beast and scholar.
Don’t Ever Wear the Cheap Stuff. Philip has heard it more than once. He’ll be sitting with a group of girls during lunch and one of them will say, “Ugh! Some guy just walked by wearing Axe.” Unless you are still in Middle School, the cheap stuff will do more harm than good.
Skip Branding Associated with Hard Liquor. You will see names with Rum, Bourbon andCognac
Avoid Extremely Pungent Scents. There is a whole category of men’s colognes that seem to be targeting accountants, computer programmers and other “geeks” among adult men who want a strong scent to make them smell and feel much more beastly and much less scholarly than they are in their professional lives. In my experience one out of every three men’s colognes fit into this category. While these colognes might work well for their target segment among adults, they simply smell nasty on teenage guys. If the name of a cologne conjures up images of an action hero, it is probably one of these. Any of the Hugo Boss colognes (such as Hugo) and Azzaro’s Chrome are examples if you would like to do some shopping for your Research Scientist.
Avoid Heavily Citrus or Floral Scents. At the other end of the spectrum is a whole category of men’s colognes that seem to be targeting adult men in traditionally masculine, physically-oriented professions like construction or firefighting who want a scent that will make them smell and feel much more scholarly and much less beastly. While these might work well for that segment of adults, they simply smell effeminate on teenage guys. Carrolina Herrera’s 212 is an example if you want to do some shopping for your Gunnery Sergeant.
Avoid Branding that Communicates Sophistication. These are scents that are targeting men who want to come across as older or worldlier. If the branding message is too far off base for a teenage guy, odds are the actual scent is far off base as well. It is one thing for a teenager to smell like a twenty-something or even an early-thirty-something. But a teenager who smells like a he is forty or older smells ridiculous. Avoid Black and Silver spin-offs of signature labels and be cautious of any Black or Silver name.
Some Scents Fade Quickly or Change Over Time. When first investigating a scent, spray it onto your wrist at a store and then continue shopping. Avoid smelling your wrist for ten minutes and then sniff. What you smell after ten minutes is what and how strong the cologne will smell on you. If investigating multiple colognes, spray them onto the hard paper sticks or cards that are provided at the store. Write the name of the cologne onto the paper and do not smell it for five minutes. In my experience, roughly one out of every three men’s colognes will fade significantly sitting on hard paper for five minutes which means they will not last for even an hour on a man’s skin. Also, use the coffee grind they have at the cologne counter to clear your nose between sniffs. Before buying, you’ll need to do the ten minute wrist test to be certain.
Be Cautious With Branding that Communicates Youth. Here’s where the selection process will finally depend upon your olfactory prowess and personal preferences. Some youth branding is for older adults who want to smell younger. Such scents will simply smell wrong on a teenager. Many but not all of these are the Blue spin-off of a signature brand. Other youth-oriented branding includes words like Aqua and Sport names and spin-offs. Aqua Di Gio is actually one of my recommendations.
If It Looks Good, Smell It. One should never purchase cologne based upon the name, the box or the bottle. One buys the scent. But if something about what you see attracts you, it may be the result of a lot of marketing research designed to attract the right person. Unfortunately, it may also be the result of a lot of marketing research designed to attract as many people as possible. As always, let your own assessment of the scent be your primary guide.
The Established Signature Labels Tend to be the Best. If a brand of cologne has been around for a long time, people have been purchasing it for a long time because it smells good to a lot of people including both the people who wear it and the people who smell them wearing it. It may smell good to you too. If it does, wear it. Many people will like the way it smells on you.
ADVICE FOR WEARING COLOGNE
Have a Handful of Colognes in the Cabinet. If you wear cologne as a teenager, you are already among the minority. If you wear the same one every time or even every time you wear cologne, people will notice and some of them will get sick of it the same way they would if you wore the same sweatshirt every day. If you mix it up just a little, you’ll be interesting.
Too Much Cologne is a Turn-Off. Be careful not to overdo it, especially in school. If you put on four or more sprays before you leave for school, the whole first period classroom will smell it before the bell rings for second period. While you will not notice the scent within five minutes of spraying it on, everyone else will notice it whenever you show up. Before school, keep it to one squirt. And never do more than for four squirts if you are going to be around people who might judge you negatively for wearing too much cologne. If you really like the scent, indulge in that enjoyment by spraying your wrists and pillow right before you go to bed.
ADVICE ON PURCHASING COLOGNE
Shop at Stores but Do Most of Your Purchasing Online. Cologne is expensive. You can save twenty-five dollars or more per bottle by purchasing online, even after shipping. But you cannot smell cologne over the internet. I have made it a personal policy to only test colognes at stores at which I do business. When I buy a new pair of pants, I test out a new brand of cologne. If I want to test out multiple new colognes, only then will I make my cologne purchase at that store.
Buy the Smallest Container Possible. Colognes have a short shelf life. Even when a bottle twice the size is only 20% more expensive, you need to consider shelf life. This is another reason to buy online. The online store will generally have the smaller sizes available. If the last spray from a small bottle is still fresh, go ahead and buy a bigger bottle next time.
Check Out the Generic Brands<. There are plenty of rip-off imitations out there, but there are plenty of good values as well. I once purchased a six ounce bottle of cologne from a lady selling them in a parking lot. On the clipboard she was carrying was a generic brand of cologne that was listed as similar to Eternity. She had a tester in her trunk and I thought it smelled good, so I bought a six ounce bottle for ten dollars. In my opinion it smelled just a little bit better than Eternity, but I think it was because it had a much longer shelf life than brand name Eternity even though the bottle was twice the size. My final spray from that generic cologne smelled great.
Consider Buying Essential Oils. Colognes are scented oils dissolved in alcohol. Depending on the ratio of alcohol to oil, a men’s cologne scent can last one to four hours. Essential oils will not ever fill the room with your scent, but the scent of them will last all day. Like the generic cologne I bought years ago, some essential oil blends are meant to be similar to name brand colognes. And they are also much less expensive than those colognes. In short, it is worth trying them out.
MY RECOMMENDATIONS
And finally, these are the colognes I recommend for teenage guys. With this list, I will also break from my normal convention and update it from time to time as Philip and I gain more experience with men’s colognes. These assessments are mainly mine, but I may be borrowing some of the wording from the brand’s own marketing material or the reviews of knowledgeable or well established critics if I find myself in agreement.
#1 - Joop (by Joop) Joop‘s only problem is a name and color that will put most teenage guys on their guard. Hide it in your medicine cabinet and your signature scent will be a treasured secret. Joop is not as well known as some of the other colognes that made my list, but it has certainly stood the test of time and is easily found at any well-stocked cologne counter. A teenage guy who wears Joop will distinguish himself from nearly everyone else. Joop has a dominant spicy scent like all the more masculine scents listed here, but that spicy scent is augmented with a very well crafted set of fresh fruit notes. Joop lasts a very long time, though the fresh fruit notes seem to fade a little faster than the spice notes. Lifespan: 5/5; 55% Masculine; 45% Approachable
#2 - Fierce (Abercrombie & Fitch) Fierce is what you smell whenever you walk into an Abercrombie & Fitch store. It smells fantastic and smells especially fantastic on teenage guys. I don’t know anyone who dislikes this smell, but its efficacy for a teenage guy is challenged in that it is very recognizable (but nowhere near as recognizable as Axe), very intense and lasts only an average amount of time. Philip only wears it to dances now. Lifespan 3/5; 15% Masculine; 85% Approachable
#3 - Polo (Ralph Lauren) Any new cologne will be hard-pressed to beat this long time champion. The dominate notes are spicy and they are augmented by non-citrus fruits and just a hint of something smoky. Your teachers will probably recognize it. Wear it when you need to negotiate an extension on a term paper’s due date. As an alternative, try any of the Polo spin-offs except for Polo Black which has a painfully short Lifespan and would not smell right on a teenager. Lifespan 4/5; 60% Masculine; 40% Approachable
#4 - Eternity (Calvin Klein) There is a freshness and a gentleness about Eternity. It will put you and everyone around you at ease. Give that nice girl a reason to be happy and use two squirts before the two of you go see the basketball game against the rival school. Lifespan 4/5; 40% Masculine; 60% Approachable
#5 - Aqua Di Gio (Giorgio Armani) Aqua Di Gio is one of the best-selling men’s colognes. It also fares well among men across a wide range of ages. A teenage guy may have a teenage girl tell him that he smells like her dad. But she will not be teasing or complaining when she says that; she’ll only be telling the guy that she’s daddy’s girl. As an alternative, consider Armani’s Attitude. Lifespan 3/5; 20% Masculine; 80% Approachable
#6 - Dirty English (Juicy Couture) There’s nothing dirty about this great cologne at all. In fact I wouldn’t say it is particularly English either. It is very spicy and has a very nice smoky edge. Wear this to a student government meeting when you have decided it is time you took command. Lifespan 4/5; 65% Masculine; 35% Approachable
#7 - Only the Brave (Diesel) Only the Brave has a fun fist-shaped bottle. Its dominant notes are gentle spices. You will smell and feel clean wearing this. As an alternative, consider Diesel’s Fuel. Lifespan 3/5; 50% Masculine; 50% Approachable
#8 - Pour Homme (Yves Saint Laurent) This is the most masculine smelling cologne that made my list. Freshmen might want to wait, but Juniors and Seniors might want to bring it out to thrill their Prom dates. Lifespan 2/5; 75% Masculine; 25% Approachable
#9 - Brit (Burberry) The marketing behind Brit is the James Bond theme and this is a deliberate reflection of the very tone of the scent. You are sophisticated but ready run, fight or flirt. If you are a sophomore looking to score a date to the Junior/Senior Prom, put this on the day you plan to ask her. Just remember to dress well. Lifespan 2/5; 70% Masculine; 30% Approachable
#10 - Pour Homme Extreme (Bvlgari) Here is a very gentle scent that can be worn daily to accent your natural body scents favorably. As an alternative, consider Bvlgari’s Pour Homme. Lifespan 1/5; 25% Masculine; 75% Approachable
Related Post: Cologne for the Prom or Formal
Polo for Men was my signature cologne for about a decade until one day a coworker showed up at work smelling absolutely fantastic. I knew I had to get that cologne which turned out to be Calvin Klein’s Eternity. Eternity was my signature cologne for years after.
Like me decades earlier, Philip’s developing interest in cologne has operated in lockstep with his developing interest in girls. During one of his early dances, Philip wore cologne for the first time by borrowing my Eternity. Later, Philip chose a brand of cologne by himself when Philip and I were at the mall updating his wardrobe. That cologne was Fierce by Abercrombie & Fitch. Months later, Philip still likes Fierce, but he has also concluded that it is too intense for most situations. I also enjoy the smell of Fierce on myself but know it smells like something too young for me in most social venues.
Our joint experience with Fierce has compelled me to do some anecdotal research in an effort to find colognes both for myself and for Philip. So while I normally do not publish anything resembling advice, I am going to make this an exception. Whether you are a teenage guy or somebody shopping for one, here is what I have learned shopping for my straight teenage son.
Men’s Scents are Designed Primarily for Adults. This should be no surprise. What it means is that only a few will work for a teenager. Adults want to come across as older, younger, braver, smarter, more masculine, more gentle, more sophisticated, or more of something else. Of these, I see only two objectives that truly apply to a teenage guy. A teenage guy should look for a scent that presents him as both masculine and approachable. The ideal straight guy is a healthy mixture of both beast and scholar.
Don’t Ever Wear the Cheap Stuff. Philip has heard it more than once. He’ll be sitting with a group of girls during lunch and one of them will say, “Ugh! Some guy just walked by wearing Axe.” Unless you are still in Middle School, the cheap stuff will do more harm than good.
Skip Branding Associated with Hard Liquor. You will see names with Rum, Bourbon and
Avoid Extremely Pungent Scents. There is a whole category of men’s colognes that seem to be targeting accountants, computer programmers and other “geeks” among adult men who want a strong scent to make them smell and feel much more beastly and much less scholarly than they are in their professional lives. In my experience one out of every three men’s colognes fit into this category. While these colognes might work well for their target segment among adults, they simply smell nasty on teenage guys. If the name of a cologne conjures up images of an action hero, it is probably one of these. Any of the Hugo Boss colognes (such as Hugo) and Azzaro’s Chrome are examples if you would like to do some shopping for your Research Scientist.
Avoid Heavily Citrus or Floral Scents. At the other end of the spectrum is a whole category of men’s colognes that seem to be targeting adult men in traditionally masculine, physically-oriented professions like construction or firefighting who want a scent that will make them smell and feel much more scholarly and much less beastly. While these might work well for that segment of adults, they simply smell effeminate on teenage guys. Carrolina Herrera’s 212 is an example if you want to do some shopping for your Gunnery Sergeant.
Avoid Branding that Communicates Sophistication. These are scents that are targeting men who want to come across as older or worldlier. If the branding message is too far off base for a teenage guy, odds are the actual scent is far off base as well. It is one thing for a teenager to smell like a twenty-something or even an early-thirty-something. But a teenager who smells like a he is forty or older smells ridiculous. Avoid Black and Silver spin-offs of signature labels and be cautious of any Black or Silver name.
Some Scents Fade Quickly or Change Over Time. When first investigating a scent, spray it onto your wrist at a store and then continue shopping. Avoid smelling your wrist for ten minutes and then sniff. What you smell after ten minutes is what and how strong the cologne will smell on you. If investigating multiple colognes, spray them onto the hard paper sticks or cards that are provided at the store. Write the name of the cologne onto the paper and do not smell it for five minutes. In my experience, roughly one out of every three men’s colognes will fade significantly sitting on hard paper for five minutes which means they will not last for even an hour on a man’s skin. Also, use the coffee grind they have at the cologne counter to clear your nose between sniffs. Before buying, you’ll need to do the ten minute wrist test to be certain.
Be Cautious With Branding that Communicates Youth. Here’s where the selection process will finally depend upon your olfactory prowess and personal preferences. Some youth branding is for older adults who want to smell younger. Such scents will simply smell wrong on a teenager. Many but not all of these are the Blue spin-off of a signature brand. Other youth-oriented branding includes words like Aqua and Sport names and spin-offs. Aqua Di Gio is actually one of my recommendations.
If It Looks Good, Smell It. One should never purchase cologne based upon the name, the box or the bottle. One buys the scent. But if something about what you see attracts you, it may be the result of a lot of marketing research designed to attract the right person. Unfortunately, it may also be the result of a lot of marketing research designed to attract as many people as possible. As always, let your own assessment of the scent be your primary guide.
The Established Signature Labels Tend to be the Best. If a brand of cologne has been around for a long time, people have been purchasing it for a long time because it smells good to a lot of people including both the people who wear it and the people who smell them wearing it. It may smell good to you too. If it does, wear it. Many people will like the way it smells on you.
Have a Handful of Colognes in the Cabinet. If you wear cologne as a teenager, you are already among the minority. If you wear the same one every time or even every time you wear cologne, people will notice and some of them will get sick of it the same way they would if you wore the same sweatshirt every day. If you mix it up just a little, you’ll be interesting.
Too Much Cologne is a Turn-Off. Be careful not to overdo it, especially in school. If you put on four or more sprays before you leave for school, the whole first period classroom will smell it before the bell rings for second period. While you will not notice the scent within five minutes of spraying it on, everyone else will notice it whenever you show up. Before school, keep it to one squirt. And never do more than for four squirts if you are going to be around people who might judge you negatively for wearing too much cologne. If you really like the scent, indulge in that enjoyment by spraying your wrists and pillow right before you go to bed.
Shop at Stores but Do Most of Your Purchasing Online. Cologne is expensive. You can save twenty-five dollars or more per bottle by purchasing online, even after shipping. But you cannot smell cologne over the internet. I have made it a personal policy to only test colognes at stores at which I do business. When I buy a new pair of pants, I test out a new brand of cologne. If I want to test out multiple new colognes, only then will I make my cologne purchase at that store.
Buy the Smallest Container Possible. Colognes have a short shelf life. Even when a bottle twice the size is only 20% more expensive, you need to consider shelf life. This is another reason to buy online. The online store will generally have the smaller sizes available. If the last spray from a small bottle is still fresh, go ahead and buy a bigger bottle next time.
Check Out the Generic Brands<. There are plenty of rip-off imitations out there, but there are plenty of good values as well. I once purchased a six ounce bottle of cologne from a lady selling them in a parking lot. On the clipboard she was carrying was a generic brand of cologne that was listed as similar to Eternity. She had a tester in her trunk and I thought it smelled good, so I bought a six ounce bottle for ten dollars. In my opinion it smelled just a little bit better than Eternity, but I think it was because it had a much longer shelf life than brand name Eternity even though the bottle was twice the size. My final spray from that generic cologne smelled great.
Consider Buying Essential Oils. Colognes are scented oils dissolved in alcohol. Depending on the ratio of alcohol to oil, a men’s cologne scent can last one to four hours. Essential oils will not ever fill the room with your scent, but the scent of them will last all day. Like the generic cologne I bought years ago, some essential oil blends are meant to be similar to name brand colognes. And they are also much less expensive than those colognes. In short, it is worth trying them out.
And finally, these are the colognes I recommend for teenage guys. With this list, I will also break from my normal convention and update it from time to time as Philip and I gain more experience with men’s colognes. These assessments are mainly mine, but I may be borrowing some of the wording from the brand’s own marketing material or the reviews of knowledgeable or well established critics if I find myself in agreement.
#1 - Joop (by Joop) Joop‘s only problem is a name and color that will put most teenage guys on their guard. Hide it in your medicine cabinet and your signature scent will be a treasured secret. Joop is not as well known as some of the other colognes that made my list, but it has certainly stood the test of time and is easily found at any well-stocked cologne counter. A teenage guy who wears Joop will distinguish himself from nearly everyone else. Joop has a dominant spicy scent like all the more masculine scents listed here, but that spicy scent is augmented with a very well crafted set of fresh fruit notes. Joop lasts a very long time, though the fresh fruit notes seem to fade a little faster than the spice notes. Lifespan: 5/5; 55% Masculine; 45% Approachable
#2 - Fierce (Abercrombie & Fitch) Fierce is what you smell whenever you walk into an Abercrombie & Fitch store. It smells fantastic and smells especially fantastic on teenage guys. I don’t know anyone who dislikes this smell, but its efficacy for a teenage guy is challenged in that it is very recognizable (but nowhere near as recognizable as Axe), very intense and lasts only an average amount of time. Philip only wears it to dances now. Lifespan 3/5; 15% Masculine; 85% Approachable
#3 - Polo (Ralph Lauren) Any new cologne will be hard-pressed to beat this long time champion. The dominate notes are spicy and they are augmented by non-citrus fruits and just a hint of something smoky. Your teachers will probably recognize it. Wear it when you need to negotiate an extension on a term paper’s due date. As an alternative, try any of the Polo spin-offs except for Polo Black which has a painfully short Lifespan and would not smell right on a teenager. Lifespan 4/5; 60% Masculine; 40% Approachable
#4 - Eternity (Calvin Klein) There is a freshness and a gentleness about Eternity. It will put you and everyone around you at ease. Give that nice girl a reason to be happy and use two squirts before the two of you go see the basketball game against the rival school. Lifespan 4/5; 40% Masculine; 60% Approachable
#5 - Aqua Di Gio (Giorgio Armani) Aqua Di Gio is one of the best-selling men’s colognes. It also fares well among men across a wide range of ages. A teenage guy may have a teenage girl tell him that he smells like her dad. But she will not be teasing or complaining when she says that; she’ll only be telling the guy that she’s daddy’s girl. As an alternative, consider Armani’s Attitude. Lifespan 3/5; 20% Masculine; 80% Approachable
#6 - Dirty English (Juicy Couture) There’s nothing dirty about this great cologne at all. In fact I wouldn’t say it is particularly English either. It is very spicy and has a very nice smoky edge. Wear this to a student government meeting when you have decided it is time you took command. Lifespan 4/5; 65% Masculine; 35% Approachable
#7 - Only the Brave (Diesel) Only the Brave has a fun fist-shaped bottle. Its dominant notes are gentle spices. You will smell and feel clean wearing this. As an alternative, consider Diesel’s Fuel. Lifespan 3/5; 50% Masculine; 50% Approachable
#8 - Pour Homme (Yves Saint Laurent) This is the most masculine smelling cologne that made my list. Freshmen might want to wait, but Juniors and Seniors might want to bring it out to thrill their Prom dates. Lifespan 2/5; 75% Masculine; 25% Approachable
#9 - Brit (Burberry) The marketing behind Brit is the James Bond theme and this is a deliberate reflection of the very tone of the scent. You are sophisticated but ready run, fight or flirt. If you are a sophomore looking to score a date to the Junior/Senior Prom, put this on the day you plan to ask her. Just remember to dress well. Lifespan 2/5; 70% Masculine; 30% Approachable
#10 - Pour Homme Extreme (Bvlgari) Here is a very gentle scent that can be worn daily to accent your natural body scents favorably. As an alternative, consider Bvlgari’s Pour Homme. Lifespan 1/5; 25% Masculine; 75% Approachable
Related Post: Cologne for the Prom or Formal
Sunday, October 31, 2010
The Benefits of Having an Insensitive Friend
Chloe is in the same class at school this year with Rita’s daughter Jasmine. As the girls approach middle school, the social dynamic has taken an interesting turn. Much friendship is sought but little friendship is given. Secrets are sought but confidences are violated. Ill-conceived words are taken as great offenses that must be returned with even more venom until two girls who were once friends are bitter enemies at home in tears over the other’s words. But days later all is repaired only to begin again anew.
But in this jungle some friends are less equal than others. Some are too in a hurry to perpetuate the madness while others are genuinely trying to merely get through. Katherine can be a lot of fun when she is with another girl just one on one. But once the crowd gets any larger, Katherine begins to play games. In this environment Katherine is her own worst enemy, but she brings others down with her.
Chloe’s problem is that she is too nice. Katherine begs Chloe to do things together and to talk about things. It doesn’t take Chloe too long to cave and cooperate. Katherine loves this, but at Chloe’s expense. In sharp contrast, Jasmine doesn’t put up with anything. It takes just one violation and Jasmine cuts people off for a long time. In short, Jasmine is too harsh while Chloe is too easy. In the center one finds an emotionally healthy tween girl. And in fact, when they work together, Chloe and Jasmine find that emotionally healthy place in the middle.
If one had asked them, they would not have been able to articulate just how well they had hatched their plan. Instead they simply found one another out of convenience. Chloe explained her problem and Jasmine had some very strong opinions about what to do, but Chloe only agreed to go so far. Both were nervous but working together they found the courage to execute a plan that would get Katherine to back down without any of the adults at school (especially their veteran fifth grade teacher Ms. Freeman) to accuse them of being mean. At recess they found a secluded place and worked out their plan. They memorized a short list of Katherine’s behaviors that they did not find acceptable. At the end of recess they confronted Katherine together and told her they did not want to be friends with her any more because of certain repeated behaviors.
Instead of trying to work things out with Chloe and Jasmine, Katherine did what they expected. She tried to get them in trouble with Ms. Freeman for being mean to her. But this time, Chloe and Jasmine were ready. They stayed after school and faced Ms. Freeman. They told their teacher exactly what behaviors they considered unacceptable and that they would not tolerate from Katherine. They said they did not want to play with Katherine as long as she continued to violate their trust. In the end, Ms. Freeman reluctantly agreed to Chloe and Jasmine’s decision not to play with Katherine. Katherine began crying, but Ms. Freeman held her ground supporting Chloe and Jasmine.
That afternoon, Chloe brought the story home to us. She had both a great sense of relief and a lingering sense of guilt. Chloe was especially moved by Katherine’s tears. It took us a while to figure out what had happened. In the past we had been concerned about Jasmine’s insensitivity and we still have some concerns. But those concerns were dwarfed by how manipulative and destructive Katherine could be. Amelia and I took Chloe’s words and walked through them together. We suddenly saw the value in Jasmine’s insensitivity.
Amelia and I never expected to say there were benefits in having an insensitive friend. But there we were agreeing and smiling at Chloe’s friendship with Jasmine.
But in this jungle some friends are less equal than others. Some are too in a hurry to perpetuate the madness while others are genuinely trying to merely get through. Katherine can be a lot of fun when she is with another girl just one on one. But once the crowd gets any larger, Katherine begins to play games. In this environment Katherine is her own worst enemy, but she brings others down with her.
Chloe’s problem is that she is too nice. Katherine begs Chloe to do things together and to talk about things. It doesn’t take Chloe too long to cave and cooperate. Katherine loves this, but at Chloe’s expense. In sharp contrast, Jasmine doesn’t put up with anything. It takes just one violation and Jasmine cuts people off for a long time. In short, Jasmine is too harsh while Chloe is too easy. In the center one finds an emotionally healthy tween girl. And in fact, when they work together, Chloe and Jasmine find that emotionally healthy place in the middle.
If one had asked them, they would not have been able to articulate just how well they had hatched their plan. Instead they simply found one another out of convenience. Chloe explained her problem and Jasmine had some very strong opinions about what to do, but Chloe only agreed to go so far. Both were nervous but working together they found the courage to execute a plan that would get Katherine to back down without any of the adults at school (especially their veteran fifth grade teacher Ms. Freeman) to accuse them of being mean. At recess they found a secluded place and worked out their plan. They memorized a short list of Katherine’s behaviors that they did not find acceptable. At the end of recess they confronted Katherine together and told her they did not want to be friends with her any more because of certain repeated behaviors.
Instead of trying to work things out with Chloe and Jasmine, Katherine did what they expected. She tried to get them in trouble with Ms. Freeman for being mean to her. But this time, Chloe and Jasmine were ready. They stayed after school and faced Ms. Freeman. They told their teacher exactly what behaviors they considered unacceptable and that they would not tolerate from Katherine. They said they did not want to play with Katherine as long as she continued to violate their trust. In the end, Ms. Freeman reluctantly agreed to Chloe and Jasmine’s decision not to play with Katherine. Katherine began crying, but Ms. Freeman held her ground supporting Chloe and Jasmine.
That afternoon, Chloe brought the story home to us. She had both a great sense of relief and a lingering sense of guilt. Chloe was especially moved by Katherine’s tears. It took us a while to figure out what had happened. In the past we had been concerned about Jasmine’s insensitivity and we still have some concerns. But those concerns were dwarfed by how manipulative and destructive Katherine could be. Amelia and I took Chloe’s words and walked through them together. We suddenly saw the value in Jasmine’s insensitivity.
Amelia and I never expected to say there were benefits in having an insensitive friend. But there we were agreeing and smiling at Chloe’s friendship with Jasmine.
Rethinking Payback
Conrad is the top defensive player on the Hermes Varsity Lacrosse team. He has short cropped blond hair and a boyish face. He has joined Philip, Bruce and several other lacrosse players who are not playing football this Fall to play indoor lacrosse during the off-season.
Indoor lacrosse and other indoor sports tend to be more violent than their outdoor counter-parts. The wall is what makes the difference. The action tends to slam players into the wall. Sometimes it is a foul and sometime it is not a foul. But either way, athletes do not like being slammed into a wall. Fights almost never happen during outdoor lacrosse games. But they are reasonably common during indoor lacrosse games.
During the first weekend in October, we faced a team with one particularly aggressive player. Throughout the first period he surfed the edge of acceptable behavior. But at the beginning of the second period he crossed the line. With all his speed, strength and weight, he slammed his stick into Conrad’s torso, pushing him all the way into the wall while continuing to lean his weight into his stick. One of Conrad’s ribs cracked under the force and the blow to the wall knocked the wind out of him. The aggressive player was given a five minute penalty and it enabled our team to climb way ahead in points scored. But it was the end of the game for Conrad. The action got Bruce thinking. And Bruce’s thinking quickly developed into a quiet exchange with one of the other large and aggressive players on our team: Brad.
On the other side of the playing area, parents were watching the game. I was quietly talking to the grandmother of one of the players on the opposing team. She was a bit taken aback by the aggressive play and I was remarking on the violent nature of indoor sports when both Philip and her grandson Jeremy stepped onto the arena. As it turned out the two were lined up to cover one another. Philip and Jeremy proved a good match to challenge one another. At that point the final period of play was well under way.
Not long afterward, the aggressive player from the other team joined the action. Jeremy got hold of the ball but Philip came right at him to challenge Jeremy’s control. With the aggressive player open, Jeremy passed the ball. In less than a second Brad and Bruce collided into the aggressive player from either side and knocked the aggressive player to the floor. Bruce and Brad held their opponent down on the floor and stripped him of his stick and helmet while delivering punch after punch to his face, chest and stomach. Not a single teammate came to the aggressive player's aid. The referee roared, but didn’t dare touch the brawl taking place on the floor. Philip and Jeremy each took a knee as did the majority of other players. Jeremy’s grandmother gulped, regained her composure and then said, “I am so glad your son and my grandson are not involved in that fight. How terrible they are doing that.”
I generally find such fighting repugnant. The system has ways to deal with such behavior but those ways are not fully preventative. Brad and Bruce were ejected from the game. Conrad left the bench and joined them, limping and holding his gut as he walked. A single five minute penalty was awarded to our team with no particular player specified. Between being a man down and missing some of our best players, the opposing team racked up several points in the final minutes of the game. In the end we only won by a single point. But the truth was nobody was thinking about the score or who won. The fight had taken the joy out of seeing a winner to the contest. Jeremy’s grandmother was still saying, “I am so glad your son and my grandson were not involved in that fight” when the final buzzer went off.
In the car ride home, Philip explained to me just how much Conrad had been hurt. And while I still did not like the decision Bruce and Brad had made, I began to see it in a different light. At roughly one hundred, fifteen pounds, Philip has been the team’s penalty magnet. But Philip has never taken a serious hit the way Conrad did that day. And while some look down on it, the threat of a payback from players like Bruce and Brad is a deterrent that ensures Philip is at least reasonably safe from the worst of indoor sports violence.
Indoor lacrosse and other indoor sports tend to be more violent than their outdoor counter-parts. The wall is what makes the difference. The action tends to slam players into the wall. Sometimes it is a foul and sometime it is not a foul. But either way, athletes do not like being slammed into a wall. Fights almost never happen during outdoor lacrosse games. But they are reasonably common during indoor lacrosse games.
During the first weekend in October, we faced a team with one particularly aggressive player. Throughout the first period he surfed the edge of acceptable behavior. But at the beginning of the second period he crossed the line. With all his speed, strength and weight, he slammed his stick into Conrad’s torso, pushing him all the way into the wall while continuing to lean his weight into his stick. One of Conrad’s ribs cracked under the force and the blow to the wall knocked the wind out of him. The aggressive player was given a five minute penalty and it enabled our team to climb way ahead in points scored. But it was the end of the game for Conrad. The action got Bruce thinking. And Bruce’s thinking quickly developed into a quiet exchange with one of the other large and aggressive players on our team: Brad.
On the other side of the playing area, parents were watching the game. I was quietly talking to the grandmother of one of the players on the opposing team. She was a bit taken aback by the aggressive play and I was remarking on the violent nature of indoor sports when both Philip and her grandson Jeremy stepped onto the arena. As it turned out the two were lined up to cover one another. Philip and Jeremy proved a good match to challenge one another. At that point the final period of play was well under way.
Not long afterward, the aggressive player from the other team joined the action. Jeremy got hold of the ball but Philip came right at him to challenge Jeremy’s control. With the aggressive player open, Jeremy passed the ball. In less than a second Brad and Bruce collided into the aggressive player from either side and knocked the aggressive player to the floor. Bruce and Brad held their opponent down on the floor and stripped him of his stick and helmet while delivering punch after punch to his face, chest and stomach. Not a single teammate came to the aggressive player's aid. The referee roared, but didn’t dare touch the brawl taking place on the floor. Philip and Jeremy each took a knee as did the majority of other players. Jeremy’s grandmother gulped, regained her composure and then said, “I am so glad your son and my grandson are not involved in that fight. How terrible they are doing that.”
I generally find such fighting repugnant. The system has ways to deal with such behavior but those ways are not fully preventative. Brad and Bruce were ejected from the game. Conrad left the bench and joined them, limping and holding his gut as he walked. A single five minute penalty was awarded to our team with no particular player specified. Between being a man down and missing some of our best players, the opposing team racked up several points in the final minutes of the game. In the end we only won by a single point. But the truth was nobody was thinking about the score or who won. The fight had taken the joy out of seeing a winner to the contest. Jeremy’s grandmother was still saying, “I am so glad your son and my grandson were not involved in that fight” when the final buzzer went off.
In the car ride home, Philip explained to me just how much Conrad had been hurt. And while I still did not like the decision Bruce and Brad had made, I began to see it in a different light. At roughly one hundred, fifteen pounds, Philip has been the team’s penalty magnet. But Philip has never taken a serious hit the way Conrad did that day. And while some look down on it, the threat of a payback from players like Bruce and Brad is a deterrent that ensures Philip is at least reasonably safe from the worst of indoor sports violence.
The Secret to High School Happiness
I think I may have stumbled upon the best kept secret to happiness in high school. Some would say it is good looks and charisma plus athletic and academic prowess. These certainly help. But most teenagers are lucky to possess even one or two of these qualities. It is the rare prodigy who commands the whole package. Yet somehow, there are teenagers who lack these qualities yet love high school. And likewise, there are many deeply gifted teenagers who hate high school. Philip’s enjoyment of high school has gone up dramatically in the past few weeks and I think I understand why this happened.
Last November, we traveled to Oxford Hills for a lacrosse scrimmage under the lights. In that venue, I discovered just how much fun it is to watch youth sporting events played at night under the lights. So when just a few weeks back Philip wanted to go to Hermes High School’s first Friday night football game, I was very happy to drive him to Loma Prieta as well as stick around to watch the game.
Loma Prieta High School had two sets of bleachers on the guest team side of the field. The left bleachers were occupied primarily by teenagers and the right bleachers were occupied primarily by adults. We arrived in the fourth quarter of the JV game. I walked over to the right bleachers, searched unsuccessfully for Raul’s father and then sat down. Right behind me was a woman I had never met and her teenage daughter. The woman was as gregarious as her daughter was shy. I introduced myself as Philip’s father. The shy girl was a new student at Hermes High School in Philip’s class. The two had just moved from out of State over the summer. But being new didn’t stop the mother from shouting above all the other adults to give each of the eleven Hermes players on the field instructions on what to do.
As the Varsity game began, I could see Philip and about five other Hermes sophomores had moved down from the bleachers to stand as close to the action as a three foot metal fence would allow them. Sophomores on the Varsity and JV Cheer squads approached the group from the field side of the fence to chit-chat before the JV girls exited the field area and the Varsity girls assembled for their game performance. As the Hermes Hawks returned the ball twenty-three yards from the Loma Prieta Lions kick-off, I saw the Hermes team mascot Nestor Hawk approach Philip and the other sophomores. The game quickly retook my attention and by the time I looked back at the sophomores, Philip and Nestor Hawk had disappeared. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw Nestor Hawk reappear with a different pair of sneakers plus thinner, whiter legs. “Is that Philip in the mascot costume?” I asked out loud.
The shy girl behind me let out a laugh and answered. “That is definitely Philip!” For the rest of that evening’s game, Philip danced, flapped his wings, mimicked the cheerleaders’ movements and ran with the flag-bearing spirit squad. At times, the crowd was paying more attention to Philip’s Nestor Hawk antics than they were to the game.
During the ride home, Philip expressed how much he enjoyed being the mascot and how much his antics were appreciated. He had already been invited to appear as the mascot again Thursday evening at the Girls Varsity Volleyball game against Conquistador High School. That role got him invited to a special celebration party hosted by one of the Varsity Volleyball players. As the Fall season has progressed, Philip has continued to exercise his showmanship as Nestor Hawk. He was also invited to perform as a nerd during a group dance routine at the homecoming rally. At home his mobile phone is alive with calls and texts from people asking him to be at various events.
As I have had time to reflect on these new developments, I believe I have quietly discovered the secret to high school happiness. High school happiness is a function of getting involved with the school beyond academics and even athletics. The other students who participate in the spirit squad, group dance routines and other school-related activities and fund-raising efforts also seem extremely happy and satisfied with high school. I do not know why athletics and academics alone are not enough, but clearly something happens when one moves beyond the standard pursuits. And for now, Philip has found his own happiness in such non-standard pursuits like being Nestor Hawk.
Last November, we traveled to Oxford Hills for a lacrosse scrimmage under the lights. In that venue, I discovered just how much fun it is to watch youth sporting events played at night under the lights. So when just a few weeks back Philip wanted to go to Hermes High School’s first Friday night football game, I was very happy to drive him to Loma Prieta as well as stick around to watch the game.
Loma Prieta High School had two sets of bleachers on the guest team side of the field. The left bleachers were occupied primarily by teenagers and the right bleachers were occupied primarily by adults. We arrived in the fourth quarter of the JV game. I walked over to the right bleachers, searched unsuccessfully for Raul’s father and then sat down. Right behind me was a woman I had never met and her teenage daughter. The woman was as gregarious as her daughter was shy. I introduced myself as Philip’s father. The shy girl was a new student at Hermes High School in Philip’s class. The two had just moved from out of State over the summer. But being new didn’t stop the mother from shouting above all the other adults to give each of the eleven Hermes players on the field instructions on what to do.
As the Varsity game began, I could see Philip and about five other Hermes sophomores had moved down from the bleachers to stand as close to the action as a three foot metal fence would allow them. Sophomores on the Varsity and JV Cheer squads approached the group from the field side of the fence to chit-chat before the JV girls exited the field area and the Varsity girls assembled for their game performance. As the Hermes Hawks returned the ball twenty-three yards from the Loma Prieta Lions kick-off, I saw the Hermes team mascot Nestor Hawk approach Philip and the other sophomores. The game quickly retook my attention and by the time I looked back at the sophomores, Philip and Nestor Hawk had disappeared. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw Nestor Hawk reappear with a different pair of sneakers plus thinner, whiter legs. “Is that Philip in the mascot costume?” I asked out loud.
The shy girl behind me let out a laugh and answered. “That is definitely Philip!” For the rest of that evening’s game, Philip danced, flapped his wings, mimicked the cheerleaders’ movements and ran with the flag-bearing spirit squad. At times, the crowd was paying more attention to Philip’s Nestor Hawk antics than they were to the game.
During the ride home, Philip expressed how much he enjoyed being the mascot and how much his antics were appreciated. He had already been invited to appear as the mascot again Thursday evening at the Girls Varsity Volleyball game against Conquistador High School. That role got him invited to a special celebration party hosted by one of the Varsity Volleyball players. As the Fall season has progressed, Philip has continued to exercise his showmanship as Nestor Hawk. He was also invited to perform as a nerd during a group dance routine at the homecoming rally. At home his mobile phone is alive with calls and texts from people asking him to be at various events.
As I have had time to reflect on these new developments, I believe I have quietly discovered the secret to high school happiness. High school happiness is a function of getting involved with the school beyond academics and even athletics. The other students who participate in the spirit squad, group dance routines and other school-related activities and fund-raising efforts also seem extremely happy and satisfied with high school. I do not know why athletics and academics alone are not enough, but clearly something happens when one moves beyond the standard pursuits. And for now, Philip has found his own happiness in such non-standard pursuits like being Nestor Hawk.
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