Sometimes I’m Just a Big Kid

There are so many aspects to good parenting. The goal is ensure my kids become competent, successful adults. But I want the process to be fun and to include many great memories for them and for me. So there is a side benefit for me as a parent. I can partially re-enjoy things that make one’s formative years so enjoyable. Most of it is vicarious. But some of it involves simply being a big kid. With Philip or Chloe, I will watch youth-targeted television and movies, practice sports and sometimes even play games: both group and individual games. More recently, I’ve been playing two computer games. One is Silent Hunter and the other is Navy Field. Both mimic naval battles from World War II. I am particularly fond of submarine movies and my all time favorite movie is Das Boot. In both games, I have put myself in command of a German U-boat.

In Silent Hunter, I have no choice but to skipper a submarine. I end up sinking scores of Allied ships before I need to start over. My computer assumes the role of the not-very-well skippered Allied ships I manage to sink over the course of half an hour of play time. At this point, I know the game well enough that it is really just a shooting gallery with some excellent graphics. Rarely am I in danger of being sunk, even when facing four or more fresh Destroyers or Battleships.

In Navy Field, every ship is commanded by a real person somewhere in the world. The game includes small Frigates, Destroyers, Cruisers, Aircraft Carriers, Battleships and Submarines. As players become more experienced, Navy Field permits them to skipper progressively more powerful and diverse ships, and to fire progressively more powerful weapons with progressively more accuracy. A typical Navy Field battle involves twenty to thirty-five ships on each team and lasts ten to fifteen minutes. Normally, only five to ten ships survive a battle. There is a special rush associated with sneaking up on an enemy ship, firing off a torpedo, hopefully sinking or at least severely damaging the enemy and then scurrying off before depth charges take me out, or lack of air forces me to the surface in close range to angry enemy canons. There is a special thrill in advancing to qualify for a better submarine, better torpedoes or a better deck gun and then using the new item for the first time in mock combat. There is likewise a feeling of trepidation as I dive trying to avoid enemy fire or surface to unknown threats after diving. And there is a brief regret when my submarine is sunk and a sense of brief victory when I survive an entire battle. If I am not careful, I can let a lot of time pass while playing submarine commander on the computer.

But perhaps the best part of playing these games is sharing the experience with Philip. Philip does not play computer games nearly as much as his peers. And he greatly prefers shooting at virtual zombies or soldiers over battling virtual maritime vessels. But he has his own Navy Field account and borrows mine from time to time. He’ll even play Silent Hunter from time to time but he is not motivated to get good enough to survive an entire campaign. Sometimes he will simply watch me play. He always seems to enjoy having me recount a new or unusual experience I have on the virtual battlefield.

In contrast, Philip tends not to like me asking him about school, his homework, what he did with his friends or anything about his private world. For those things, he comes to me or we don’t talk about them at all. He’d rather hear about my day at work than answer my questions about his day at school.

But there is more to the submarine games and other things I do outside my age. I like stepping into Philip’s world. I like doing things that I would be doing if I were a teenager today rather than three decades ago. I like listening to the music Philip and Chloe like, as much as I like listening to the music from my teen years. Both allow me to revisit the formative years. I like being a fan of the Hermes High School sports teams, and I like reading the news of how my former high school’s sports teams are doing today. And more recently, I like playing submarine commander. Sometimes I’m just a big kid and every parent deserves to be a big kid from time to time.

The Tension Between Friendship and Social Standing

Earlier this year sociologists Robert Faris and Diane Felmlee empirically demonstrated that teens leverage cruelty and aggression to achieve and maintain their social standing with the interesting exception that the very most popular teens are unusually kind toward their peers.

As Chloe and her peer group head into middle school next year, that hierarchy has begun to form and the jockeying for position within that hierarchy leveraging cruelty and aggression has already started. At the top of the developing social hierarchy among girls is Gayle who has already established her position without ever resorting to cruelty or aggression. But right below Gayle is Rachel, who is quick to use whatever means necessary to shut down anything that has the potential to challenge her social status. Chloe and Patty share a particular loathing for Rachel’s behavior but as far as they can tell, most of their peers seem to tolerate Rachel’s behavior in exchange for Rachel’s approval. And one step down from Rachel is Britney, Gayle’s best friend. Britney rivals Rachel in how much she uses aggression and cruelty for maintaining her status especially as Gayle’s best friend, but Britney does not demonstrate anywhere near as much creativity as Rachel.

Chloe also has particular difficulty with Britney. After Britney, Chloe is one of Gayle’s closer friends—but without all the drama. Chloe and Gayle love getting together on and off-campus as well as trading text messages. But whenever Britney has the opportunity, she tries to undermine Chloe’s friendship with Gayle. A common tactic Britney uses is the need to tell Gayle a secret. Chloe has noticed that whenever she is having a conversation with Gayle, Britney creates a reason to pull Gayle away. “Gayle, I have something really important to tell you. Chloe, I need to talk to Gayle alone about something private.” More than once, words like these have pulled Gayle away from Chloe and Chloe’s frustration with Britney has been increasing.

This past week, Chloe and Gayle have been spending even more time together and Britney’s efforts reached a new ethical low on Thursday. At recess, Chloe, Gayle, Britney and a bunch of other fifth-graders were playing a game that involved tagging. At one point Chloe tagged Britney and Britney yelled, “Gayle! Chloe just told me she only tagged me because she wanted to get me away from you!” Chloe froze in shock and then denied it. “Yes you did, Chloe. I wouldn’t lie to my best friend!” Chloe continued to protest but Britney remained adamant. Gayle didn’t seem to know how to respond and Chloe was worried Gayle was most inclined to believe Britney. When Chloe got home, she was absolutely distraught. She felt deeply wronged by Britney but didn’t know what to do. She felt Gayle would be most inclined to believe her best friend Britney, despite all the ostentatious deviousness. Chloe was also frustrated by how easily she could be caught off guard by Britney without knowing what to say. Amelia and I tried to help Chloe by listening and offering suggestions but our words only managed to frustrate Chloe further. We didn’t know what to expect on Friday.

But Friday brought a true surprise. I arrived at home a little early for the Memorial Day weekend and I saw Chloe sitting on our front porch with a brown-haired girl whose back was turned toward me. But as I emerged from my car, I soon discovered Chloe was sitting there with Gayle. The two had planned a sleepover at Gayle’s house and were expecting Gayle’s mother to return from shopping any moment to pick them up. The two walked up to me to greet me. “Hello Gayle,” I said while Chloe stood tall facing me with a confident smile. The two went back and forth explaining their plans to me. And I relished in Chloe’s private social victory. Not long after, Gayle’s mother arrived and drove off with the two girls.

In the house, Amelia gave me the background I could not ask Chloe in front of Gayle. After school the two girls had exchanged texts and discovered neither had plans until late the following morning. Chloe proposed getting together and Gayle had countered with the idea of a sleepover at her house that Chloe had quickly accepted. It was certainly an impressive turn-around from the previous day.

At this point in time it is difficult to imagine how the social hierarchy will play out, especially as middle school comes upon these girls in full force. But I have some predictions. Gayle will hold onto her status at the top of the hierarchy without ever needing to resort to cruelty or aggression. Rachel will continue to hold her position near the top by stepping on anyone who challenges her. Britney may or may not maintain her “best friend” status with Gayle, but I think there is a high possibility Britney’s cruelty and aggression will backfire upon her. Britney lacks even the basic level of craftiness that Rachel exhibits and eventually other, craftier aggressive social climbers will successfully claw their way past Britney. One such winner may be Patty, who is certainly kind to friends like Chloe but wouldn’t be afraid to do what it takes to keep someone like Britney in line. With friends like Gayle and Patty on her side, Chloe will find a place where she is comfortable. At least, that is my prediction for now on how the tension between friendship and social standing will play out.

How Kids Are Resilient

For the past few months our family has been volunteering at a local family shelter. Over the next two years, Philip will be journaling about his experiences and interactions there to meet one of the requirements for his honors program at Hermes High School. Today we spent about ninety minutes at the shelter decorating cookies with kids between the ages of four and nine. Like Philip, I volunteered at a family shelter when I was in high school. It gave me a view of life I would not otherwise have seen. Some thirty years later, I am viewing life at a family shelter with an older set of eyes.

What strikes me the most about the family shelter is how much fun the kids seem to have and how happy the kids seem to be. There is a large common playground and a large common kitchen and dining hall. A cork board displays a calendar of activities for the kids, including both weekly and one-time events. At the three events we have helped with so far, the kids seem not only happy but committed to one another’s happiness. One seven-year-old girl Tracy takes particular interest in the younger children. While I sat outside repairing bikes one day, a pair of boys wanted to sit close to me and watch. Tracy helped the boys overcome their hesitations and explained everything I was doing. She also made sure the boys didn’t touch anything that might hurt them. When we managed the Easter Egg Hunt, all the older children took it upon themselves to make sure each of the younger children filled their baskets. There was not the slightest evidence of bullying.

The adults at the family shelter are a different story. Whether they are there as a result of bad fortune, bad choices or some combination thereof, living at a family shelter rather than in a more common living situation is frustrating and embarrassing. I have never seen an adult overtly take out that frustration on a child. In fact, the parents at the shelter seem to be going the extra mile with their kids. But I can see the weight of their situation on each adult’s face. The men seem to take it the hardest.

Recently, my wife Amelia read Farewell to Manzanar, the memoir of Jeanne Wakatsuki Houston who spent a window of her childhood living at one of the internment camps established for Japanese-Americans during the Second World War. Despite the unfair treatment, economic challenges and restrictions on freedom, the years at the internment camp proved to be this woman’s happiest childhood memories. There was something special about the closeness and the effort to band together. It was a sense of community she wanted to find a way to recreate for her own children but never fully succeeded in her own mind.

Kids enjoy going to the playground, making quick and possibly short-lived friendships and simply playing, especially in large groups. They love being on sports teams together. Even the ones with less athletic prowess love being part of sports teams. Events with lots of kids like birthday parties, beach trips, camping trips and barbeques are thrilling for kids.

As adulthood approaches and takes hold, the desire for autonomy becomes progressively stronger. Philip now spends hours inside his bedroom with the door closed. While young adults are comfortable sharing apartments in cramped quarters, older adults do not merely want their own home, they want a house: ideally a house with lots of square-footage and lots of acreage.

As I look at Tracy and the other kids living at the family shelter, I expect they are forming great memories. But I also think they are burying various forms of stress to process later in life. No matter how much parents want to protect their kids from adult troubles, some always manages to penetrate. But at manageable levels, the buried stress does not need to emerge in the form of unhealthy behavior. And when offset by the joys and benefits of community, Tracy and her peers are probably much better off spending a few months at the family shelter than most would expect. I’m looking forward to future interactions at the family shelter and also to reading Philip’s thoughts as he journals these experiences.