The Tension Between Friendship and Social Standing

Earlier this year sociologists Robert Faris and Diane Felmlee empirically demonstrated that teens leverage cruelty and aggression to achieve and maintain their social standing with the interesting exception that the very most popular teens are unusually kind toward their peers.

As Chloe and her peer group head into middle school next year, that hierarchy has begun to form and the jockeying for position within that hierarchy leveraging cruelty and aggression has already started. At the top of the developing social hierarchy among girls is Gayle who has already established her position without ever resorting to cruelty or aggression. But right below Gayle is Rachel, who is quick to use whatever means necessary to shut down anything that has the potential to challenge her social status. Chloe and Patty share a particular loathing for Rachel’s behavior but as far as they can tell, most of their peers seem to tolerate Rachel’s behavior in exchange for Rachel’s approval. And one step down from Rachel is Britney, Gayle’s best friend. Britney rivals Rachel in how much she uses aggression and cruelty for maintaining her status especially as Gayle’s best friend, but Britney does not demonstrate anywhere near as much creativity as Rachel.

Chloe also has particular difficulty with Britney. After Britney, Chloe is one of Gayle’s closer friends—but without all the drama. Chloe and Gayle love getting together on and off-campus as well as trading text messages. But whenever Britney has the opportunity, she tries to undermine Chloe’s friendship with Gayle. A common tactic Britney uses is the need to tell Gayle a secret. Chloe has noticed that whenever she is having a conversation with Gayle, Britney creates a reason to pull Gayle away. “Gayle, I have something really important to tell you. Chloe, I need to talk to Gayle alone about something private.” More than once, words like these have pulled Gayle away from Chloe and Chloe’s frustration with Britney has been increasing.

This past week, Chloe and Gayle have been spending even more time together and Britney’s efforts reached a new ethical low on Thursday. At recess, Chloe, Gayle, Britney and a bunch of other fifth-graders were playing a game that involved tagging. At one point Chloe tagged Britney and Britney yelled, “Gayle! Chloe just told me she only tagged me because she wanted to get me away from you!” Chloe froze in shock and then denied it. “Yes you did, Chloe. I wouldn’t lie to my best friend!” Chloe continued to protest but Britney remained adamant. Gayle didn’t seem to know how to respond and Chloe was worried Gayle was most inclined to believe Britney. When Chloe got home, she was absolutely distraught. She felt deeply wronged by Britney but didn’t know what to do. She felt Gayle would be most inclined to believe her best friend Britney, despite all the ostentatious deviousness. Chloe was also frustrated by how easily she could be caught off guard by Britney without knowing what to say. Amelia and I tried to help Chloe by listening and offering suggestions but our words only managed to frustrate Chloe further. We didn’t know what to expect on Friday.

But Friday brought a true surprise. I arrived at home a little early for the Memorial Day weekend and I saw Chloe sitting on our front porch with a brown-haired girl whose back was turned toward me. But as I emerged from my car, I soon discovered Chloe was sitting there with Gayle. The two had planned a sleepover at Gayle’s house and were expecting Gayle’s mother to return from shopping any moment to pick them up. The two walked up to me to greet me. “Hello Gayle,” I said while Chloe stood tall facing me with a confident smile. The two went back and forth explaining their plans to me. And I relished in Chloe’s private social victory. Not long after, Gayle’s mother arrived and drove off with the two girls.

In the house, Amelia gave me the background I could not ask Chloe in front of Gayle. After school the two girls had exchanged texts and discovered neither had plans until late the following morning. Chloe proposed getting together and Gayle had countered with the idea of a sleepover at her house that Chloe had quickly accepted. It was certainly an impressive turn-around from the previous day.

At this point in time it is difficult to imagine how the social hierarchy will play out, especially as middle school comes upon these girls in full force. But I have some predictions. Gayle will hold onto her status at the top of the hierarchy without ever needing to resort to cruelty or aggression. Rachel will continue to hold her position near the top by stepping on anyone who challenges her. Britney may or may not maintain her “best friend” status with Gayle, but I think there is a high possibility Britney’s cruelty and aggression will backfire upon her. Britney lacks even the basic level of craftiness that Rachel exhibits and eventually other, craftier aggressive social climbers will successfully claw their way past Britney. One such winner may be Patty, who is certainly kind to friends like Chloe but wouldn’t be afraid to do what it takes to keep someone like Britney in line. With friends like Gayle and Patty on her side, Chloe will find a place where she is comfortable. At least, that is my prediction for now on how the tension between friendship and social standing will play out.