When Philip joined the Hermes High School Cheer Squad as the mascot, Nestor Hawk, we had only one real concern. We knew he wasn’t doing it to womanize. But we were concerned there would be people—especially girls on the Cheer Squad—who might think womanizing was Philip’s primary motivation. Months later, Philip has no reputation for womanizing. Nonetheless many of the girls on the Cheer Squad have been womanized by others.
Womanizing is perhaps a dated term in today’s youth hookup culture. It conjures the image of men who have turned love into a sport that keeps score. The role of women in this sport is a question. When it comes to teenagers, to what degree are the girls who get womanized victims versus equal participants? And lastly, what do the parents of the womanized girls know and think?
A few weeks back, Amelia and I gained just a little bit of insight into what these parents—especially the girls’ mothers—thought about their own daughters’ participation in today’s youth hookup culture. To help defray the cost of the Cheer program at Hermes High School, Oleta’s mother had organized a fund-raising event that she and other Cheer parents ran as volunteers. Amelia and I each volunteered to work for a half day. It was mostly mothers. The only other father who volunteered was Oleta’s stepfather—and I don’t think Oleta’s mother had given him a choice. Volunteering became a social venue for the Cheer parents to interact. Some mothers said little to nothing of significance. Others withheld nothing. And still others said things which indirectly revealed a lot—perhaps much more than they realized.
One mother whose son I had coached years ago had a freshman girl on the Junior Varsity Cheer Squad. She arrived early for the second shift and spent fifteen minutes chatting with me until Amelia relieved me. In between her talks with Amelia and with me, this particular mother unloaded possibly everything in her parenting life. She was still unhappy with her marriage and the parenting skills of her son and daughter’s stepfather. Her own parenting skills were also far below par. She had little to no control over her son and daughter. The son in Philip’s class seemed to be managing better than this mother was willing to admit. And the daughter seemed to be the one managing her mother as opposed to the other way around. This particular mother told Amelia that her daughter had gotten stoned on marijuana at least once with some other girls in the early weeks of school. This didn’t stop the mother from financing her daughter’s participation in Cheer. Admittedly, this mother was the odd one in the bunch.
For me, the moment of revelation happened when some mothers asked me about Philip’s participation in the Cheer program. They liked the fact that a guy had joined the group. Some were not aware he had gone to Cheer Camp with the girls over the summer, so I got to tell them he had a private room at the hotel and had been the co-winner of the highest mascot award given out that summer. As they expressed their appreciation for Philip, I commented, “As long as the lone guy on the Cheer Squad is not a womanizer, I figure everyone should be able to feel good about it.”
In response, one mother—whose daughter had been with a lot of different older guys—spoke confidently in response. “I don’t know about that. Our girls are tough.” I don’t know if that expressed what she actually thought about womanizing, or whether it was just the line she had adopted. Either way, what she indirectly told me was that she accepted the fact that her daughter had womanizers in her life. It was an interesting, non-judgmental statement that could be interpreted in a few different ways.
One interpretation would be that the girls know how to protect themselves from womanizers and could handle the behavior of even the most womanizing football players. Another interpretation would be that the girls wouldn’t be hurt by womanizing even if taking part in today’s hookup culture. And still a final interpretation would be that she viewed it as much of a sport for girls as it was for guys. Perhaps this mother even vicariously enjoyed her daughter’s romantic exploits. The first interpretation would be one I would want to apply to my own daughter. But since I knew this woman’s daughter didn’t protect herself from the womanizers, I was left with the subsequent interpretations—neither of which I embrace as a parent—especially as I look ahead to Chloe’s not-too-distant future at Hermes High School.
For a teenage girl, protecting herself from male predators is best accomplished by being a good judge of character, even if that judgment requires parental assistance. An alternative means is to become cold-hearted in some way. As I looked at the handful of Cheerleaders who had joined the parents to volunteer that day, I saw more evidence of cold-heartedness and less evidence of good judgment than I would have wanted.
Not long after the volunteer event, Lars broke up with Chloe. He spoke with her privately and communicated his decision plainly. There were no cruel words on either side. Chloe was upset, but she recovered quickly. The relationship had been tame. Both Lars and Chloe took things slowly and it turned out to have been for both their benefits. I had admired Chloe’s good judgment of character when things began with Lars, but I admired it even more when things ended with Lars. If Chloe keeps this up, I’ll never need to use the word tough to mean cold-hearted.
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