Adolescence is the time for kids to develop their independence. It is messy. In the ideal world parents would correctly identify how their adolescents should be independent over time, grant them that independence and be done with it. Usually the adolescents have other ideas.
With Philip, the first five minutes of my morning drive to work includes taking him to the coffee shop that is walking distance from Hermes High School. With nothing else to do but sit and drive, it is my ideal time to ask Philip about what is going on in his life. My wife and I chat in the car and it is time well spent as long as it is not the kind of sensitive which demands we speak be eye-to-eye. But Philip does not want to talk in the car. He never wants to talk in the morning. And he rarely wants to talk when one or both of his parents want to talk. He is more inclined these days to talk to his mother than to me, and with either of us Phillip is nearly always the initiator. And even if I have something important to discuss and try to time it well, Philip is usually annoyed. Nonetheless, I generally yield to Philip’s preferences because I want to give him that independence he both wants and needs.
With Chloe, this trend is just beginning. She has not quite earned the level of independence her brother has earned. But we want to respect her wishes when we can. When Chloe wants to speak with just one parent, I am usually her preference. Amelia gets Philip and I get Chloe. I’m not sure why but that is how it has worked out itself. Each is a challenge to navigate but in very different ways.
The other morning, I greeted Chloe with the kind of enthusiasm she usually appreciates. But she turned her head away from me and went up to her room. I asked Amelia what was wrong. “I promised her I wouldn’t tell you other than to say it was nothing you did.”
It didn’t feel right. I had intended to leave for work rather soon but this seemed important. Chloe was upstairs in her room lying in her bed. She had the day off from school, but I had not taken the day off from work. It was fifteen minutes before I had planned to leave. Chloe wouldn’t look at me. I asked her if she would tell me what was bothering her. Without turning her head in my direction, she answered, “No.”
I made the decision to stay and talk to Chloe, despite her resistance. I didn’t push for her to reveal her secret right away. I spent quite a bit of time reaffirming my love for her. She eventually told me she didn’t want to tell me what was bothering her because she thought I would think less of her. I had no idea what could possibly cause that or could possibly cause it in her mind. But at least she had given me a hint.
I looked at my watch. It was now five minutes from when I had intended to leave. Chloe was suffering. And she was going to suffer all day until she mustered the courage to tell me what was bothering her and I could genuinely affirm her. I stayed with her and continued to affirm my love for her. I remembered being just a little bit older than she was now and not wanting to tell my mother about something I did. I told Chloe the whole story. And I told her how I suffered for a long time less because of what I did and more because the secret was a wedge between me and my mother. By the time I was done, I was past the point when I should have left the house already. Chloe’s response was, “That was nothing compared to what I did.”
I expected I wouldn’t agree, but I was in no position to argue. Meanwhile, Chloe had made one step closer. I continued to affirm my love. Amelia walked in and we both reasserted that Amelia had not told me anything except that it was nothing I had done. Together Amelia and I affirmed Chloe in my love for her and encouraged her to end her suffering by telling me. And finally, Chloe did.
I remembered the event. I remembered asking Chloe about something I was pretty sure she had done, and her denying having anything to do with it. My goal at the time was more about controlling Chloe’s future behavior and less about chastising her past behavior. So I let her save face with her denial. At the time, I figured that was the end of it.
But the guilt of lying to her father had been eating away at Chloe for days and eventually brought her to the state she was in. Chloe was surprised to know that I had known she was not telling me the truth when I had confronted her. One could almost see the wave of relief run over Chloe’s face. We spent a few minutes relaxing next to one another on Chloe’s bed. Eventually, I hugged her and headed off to work. As it turned out, the traffic was light.
That day, it was the right decision to insist on talking with Chloe. But the time is not far off when it won’t be right to insist any more, just like it was already not right for Amelia to betray Chloe’s secret to me in this recent situation. As time moves forward, I hope Chloe and Philip have already learned it is safe to confide in their parents.
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