Permission to Text Events

It is now quite a common occurrence. A Hermes High School student will create a multi-day Facebook Event associated with his or her mobile phone. Sometimes the title is quite descriptive: New Phone – Need Numbers. More recently, the objective goes without saying and the Event is simply titled: New Phone. The result is always the same. The vast majority of invitees post their mobile phone numbers to the Wall of the Event. Philip’s friend Teresa created a New Phone Event just a few weeks ago.

How did this ritual originate? Consider the following. First, most of the Event creators could easily copy their contact list from the old phone to the new phone—sometimes even at the store. Second, most teens publish their mobile phone number on their Info page, and may even have posted their mobile phone number on a previous New Phone Event.

My conclusion is that it is not about getting the numbers, but instead about getting implicit permission to use them. With communications technology and infrastructure constantly evolving, the rules of etiquette are increasingly unclear. Teens want to text and to chat. They especially like to text and chat frivolously. Yet despite their social ambition, they are also very socially cautious.

The Facebook Event has proven to be the perfect social bridge for many teens. Friending on Facebook is safe. Inviting Friends to New Phone Events is also safe. Posting one’s mobile number on the Wall of a New Phone Event to which one has been invited is another safe action. Texting a friend who has just posted his or her mobile phone number on your Event’s Wall to say something like. “Thx for ur number – what have u be up 2 lately?” is substantially safer than texting the same individual who merely publishes his or her mobile number on his or her Info page. At any point in the process, a person can drop out without losing face and without causing the other party to lose face.

Too often, teenagers are looked upon as reckless risk-takers. This is only partially true. On average they tend to be reckless and overconfident when it comes to physical risks. They skateboard without helmets. They drive too fast. And they leap into performing dangerous stunts. But when it comes to their social confidence, they are woefully under-confident and hence overly cautious. Thus they leap through multiple hoops before they are comfortable text messaging friends, and feel more comfortable going through the New Phone ritual than they are asking someone if it is alright to send a text.

While many factors contribute to teen pregnancy, this combination seems to play a key role. They are highly inclined to rush into sexual intimacy but are extremely uncomfortable talking about preparing or even the reason why they might mutually agree they are ready for sexual intimacy. Even the idea of walking into a pharmacy and purchasing condoms can be more terrifying than the prospect of causing an unplanned pregnancy.

The same applies to recreational drug use. There is plenty of education to explain the dangers of illegal drugs that nearly all teens understand such dangers intellectually. But that education is often not enough to override the dual impact of physical recklessness, and social cautiousness. If friends are taking the risk, many teens are highly inclined to take the same risk.

For parents of teens, it is highly important to recognize, prepare for and expect a teen to be very socially cautiousness. For the most part, this social cautiousness protects them as it has for most of human history. But more and more, this social cautiousness can be an impediment. As parents we need to help them find socially safe ways to achieve their objectives. But in the end, our teens themselves must discover what works for them and what will make both they and their peers comfortable.