The Age Gender Gap

May is Prom month for high school students. Juniors celebrate their final weeks as underclassmen and look forward to their senior year. Seniors celebrate their final weeks of high school and look forward to life beyond high school. And a large number of freshmen and sophomores join in the celebration as dates. And it is here that we find a huge gender disparity. Nearly all the younger dates are girls. According Philip, only one freshman guy at Hermes High School was even asked to the Prom, and the guy in question turned down the older girl’s invitation.

As the spring weeks moved forward, Philip’s female classmates began posting Facebook comments about going to Prom, buying their dresses and scheduling make-up and photo appointments. The comments were followed closely by actual photographs of these classmates posing at various stages of the process with each other and with their older dates, culminating in them all wearing formal attire. And within a few days after Prom, many of Philip’s female classmates disclosed they were in official relationships with their older Prom dates. Formspring then provided the venue where an endless stream of questions about these girls’ sexual activity were first rebuffed and then answered.

In stark contrast, Philip is still saving his first kiss for someone special. At this age, the girls on average have experienced significantly more “relationship firsts” than their guy counterparts: First dates, first boyfriends, first break-ups, first kisses, first Proms, as well as plenty of “first” sexual milestones.

As a parent, I am in no rush to see Philip chalk up a bunch of these “firsts” at such a young age. But it is becoming painfully clear to me that Chloe’s freshman year of high school will be fraught with much more danger as well pressure to enter into “firsts” than Philip has experienced during his freshman year. And it is simply because Chloe is a girl. For teenagers, there is an age gender gap, and there always has been.

For Philip, the age gender gap played out effectively in his favor for the first time one recent Saturday evening. He hosted a teen social at our home that was arguably the best one yet. Its success came as a pleasant surprise.

Philip and Chloe were both at an unrelated early evening event on a Saturday where a bunch of kids they knew were in attendance. Chloe was actually the one to have the idea. “Can Philip and I invite our friends back to our house for a teen social? I thought we could rent the movie, Push.”

“Check with your brother, but sure. It sounds like a good idea,” I answered. An hour later, there were eight kids ranging from Chloe’s age to Philip’s age at our house. We simply brought out soda and popcorn we already had. Amazon.com’s instant movie service allowed us to rent Push for just a few dollars.

Philip was joined, by two other fifteen-year-old freshman guys: His best friend Joshua and another guy named Kevin. Then there were three thirteen-year-old girls: Joshua’s sister Debbie, Debbie’s best friend Katie, and our family friend Ashley. Chloe was joined by Joshua’s youngest sister Abby who was only six months older than Chloe.

We had been observing a relationship developing between Debbie and Kevin for several weeks. Things solidified as Kevin and Debbie sat close with Kevin’s arm wrapped fondly around Debbie’s shoulder. According to Chloe, the two kissed some time at the end of the evening when no adult was there to witness the event. Kevin later told me it was their first shared kiss.

What I think made the evening so enjoyable for everyone was that the guys were not feeling inferior to the girls, and the girls were clearly enjoying the mostly respectful attention from the older guys. The one possible exception might have been Joshua who was more interested in gaining Philip’s attention than the attention of either Katie, Ashley or his sister.

When the movie was over and we were waiting for rides to arrive, the guys got on their hands and knees to begin forming a pyramid for my camera. Philip was in the middle. Katie climbed on top of Philip and Kevin. Debbie climbed on top of Philip and her brother. Ashlee and Chloe helped Abby up to top off the pyramid.

While his girl peers were posting very grown-up looking Prom photos to Facebook, Philip’s image appeared on Facebook at the base of a very not-grown-up looking pyramid. For Philip, the age gender gap is keeping him young for just a little bit longer.

Commercial Teen Dance Events

Bubonic is the name that was given to the dreaded plague that ravaged western civilization during the Dark Ages. It is also the name that was given to a teen dance club that operated in the 1980s not far from where I grew up. I knew The Bubonic mostly by reputation. I had a reasonably close friend who went regularly. It was housed in an otherwise unused warehouse at a light industrial park. The music was punk and the more raucous new wave styles of the time. My reasonably close friend said he went there to slam dance.

Once I had access to my own car, my curiosity about The Bubonic needed to be satisfied. My best friend and I dressed in faded blue jeans, un-tucked button-up shirts and sneakers. We parked easily enough and could hear the music emanating from the warehouse building with the clarity and volume going up each time the door opened. But then we saw some of the other guests for the evening and we began to seriously question our attire. A guy and a girl strolled past. Each had long, spiked jet black hair and pale skin. They were each wearing a metal-studded black leather jacket, a tight white t-shirt, black pants and black boots. The girl’s boots had high heels. The girl had put on black lipstick and black nail polish. She had large metal earrings that matched the metal studs on her jacket. The guy had a chain metal choker necklace. Behind them were two slightly smaller guys wearing similar attire, except they wore black vests instead of leather jackets.

Between our realization that our attire was completely wrong, rumors of fights and a general sense of uncertainty, my best friend and I decided not to even attempt to enter The Bubonic that evening. And we never went back for another try. Although it was a commercial venture, we did not get the impression The Bubonic was safe. And we were probably right. We had heard there were bouncers. But bouncers didn’t sound like security to us. Bouncers seemed like people tasked to protect the club and not the guests at the club. Besides the fights, there were almost certainly drug deals happening. Part of the so-called fun associated with The Bubonic was the sense of danger. But my best friend and I had a low tolerance for danger.

When looking at teen partying, the world has evolved significantly since the 1980s. In some ways things have gotten worse and in some ways things have gotten better. With a whole new generation of controlled substances flooding the black market, the underground teen parties have gotten much more sinister and much more dangerous. But I am finding myself very optimistic about the commercial events available to this generation of teens.

Club Avalanche is a commercial enterprise that sponsors regional teen dance parties throughout the year. The parties are held at various commercial night clubs converted for teen use during the evening in question. The bar is re-stocked with strictly non-alcoholic beverages. A professional security service trained in teen management patrols the club throughout the party and enforces the club’s zero-tolerance policies. Event dates, hours, locations, themes, dress codes and even the rules of etiquette are clearly communicated online for both parents and teens to see. Valid identification proving one is fourteen to eighteen years of age is required for entrance that also involves a search. A male security guard searches the guys and a female security guard searches the girls. No contraband gets past the doors.

As I read the parent material for Club Avalanche, I am beginning to think their events are even safer than the handful of school dances that are run by teachers and volunteer parents at Hermes High School and the other schools in the community. Although Club Avalanche ‘s admissions price is more than double what a school dance costs, I would expect a higher quality experience for the teens who attend: Better sound, better lights, an actual dance floor, adequate seating and a strict “no-in-and-out” policy enforced by trained security personnel. Additionally, their events last a full four hours compared to the two and a half hour high school dances.

Lastly, Club Avalanche has an effective marketing machine. Nothing ruins a teen event more than low attendance. Club Avalanche leverages a website, Facebook, and MySpace pages, text messaging, email and old-fashioned word-of-mouth with cool graphics and regularly updated, concise communication. Their events wind up well attended by the kind of kids who really want to dance and are happy to go somewhere new and even meet and dance with people they haven’t met before in an environment that doesn’t allure them with drugs and alcohol.

Reflecting on Teen Hookups

I was sixteen. Leona was seventeen. Leona was one of my friend Janine’s best friends. On the day I met Leona, the three of us joined around twenty-five other teens on a trip to the regional Six Flags theme park. The three of us spent the entire day together in May of my sophomore year of high school. Janine and Leona were juniors. Janine went to my school. Leona went to Janine’s old school and I had never met Leona before.

On the two hour drive to Six Flags, Janine, Leona and I shared a wide seat in one of the vans taking us to the theme park. I got to know Leona over a long animated conversation during which it became clear to me that Leona and I shared the same kind of humor that Janine particularly appreciated. Janine was laughing during almost the entire ride sandwiched in the middle of the seat between me and Leona.

As we walked into the theme park, Janine and Leona shared some private words they whispered back and forth to one another. Then at the very first theme park ride, Janine moved forward past Leona, effectively changing the seating order. The significance was not lost on me. Janine got in first, followed by Leona and I squeezed in last. I put my arm around Leona’s shoulders. She made herself comfortable leaning into my side before she looked at me and said, “I have a boyfriend. OK?”

It is possible Leona was making a weak attempt at saying no. But I interpreted her words to mean that whatever was going to happen between us that day would last only that day. And in the last remaining seconds before the first ride started, I decided to accept Leona’s terms. “That’s alright,” I replied and I squeezed her just a little tighter.

Leona and I spent the rest of the day ostentatiously close to one another under Janine’s non-judgmental eye. The closest thing we had to privacy took place in a photo booth after we ate lunch. Leona reminded me she had a boyfriend and I reiterated that I accepted that fact. And then we shared our first kiss. The kissing resumed during the ride home. We sat in the back seat of a station wagon. A parent we didn’t know was driving. Leona sat in the middle between me and Janine. Janine pretended to sleep. Leona reminded me she had a boyfriend one last time and I reiterated that I accepted that fact. We then spent the bulk of the two hour drive home slouched in one another’s arms kissing. After that day, I neither saw nor spoke to Leona again. Every once in a while I would ask Janine about Leona and Janine would merely tell me that Leona was doing fine.

Now I am the parent of a teenage boy and a somewhat soon-to-be teenage girl. I have become aware that hookups are very common among high school students. By hookups, I mean kissing or more between two people who are not in a committed relationship. Decades ago, Leona and I kept our hookup tame; we only kissed. But Philip has peers at Hermes High School who not only hook up frequently, but also sometimes do much more than kiss during their hookups. At this age, it is mainly the girls hooking up with older guys.

From my adult and parent’s perspective, I do not like teen hookups. I would like to tell Philip and Chloe that I carry a great sense of guilt over what transpired between me and Leona that day decades ago. But that would be a lie, and I do not ever lie to them. Instead, how I feel is much more complicated. I have two key regrets about how I handled relationships in general at that age. If I had handled relationships differently, my day with Leona would have played out much differently.

1. I regret that I did not apply myself to developing good relationship skills. Instead, I applied myself to developing my charm. The result was that I became very good at attracting a girlfriend (or the rare hookup like Leona). But I was not capable of sustaining my relationships or even ending them in an emotionally healthy manner. And so the ultimate outcome was a lot of avoidable heartache and fewer happy memories for both me and the teenage girls in my life at the time.

2. I regret that I did not have a clear set of rules regarding romance and intimacy. It was only when I reached college that I set my own rules for what I would permit myself to do outside a committed relationship, what I would do only within the confines of a committed relationship and what I would wait for until I was married. Once I made those rules for myself, kissing was something I did only inside the confines of a committed relationship. Today, I hope Philip and Chloe will decide to adopt rules similar to those I set for myself in college.

With the recent revelation about Erica’s hookup behavior, I find Erica’s words to Philip early in the year about her poor relationship skills quite haunting. Many teens today take the same naïve and unplanned approach relationships that I did decades ago. And many teens like Erica take my naïve approach much further. Teen hookups won’t go away and they won’t be tamed. But I don’t see teen hookups as being universal either. I know that there are also many teens among Philip’s peers who are determined to pursue their relationships in a mature and emotionally healthy manner. Such teens are willing to forego the short term pleasures of a teen romance or hookup in order to stay on course with their more long term goals and values.

Good relationship skills and a sense of direction can be developed over the course of adolescence in step with the development of charm and desire. That is the way I am raising Philip and Chloe. And I know many of my parent peers are giving similar instructions about relationships to their kids. But with the freedoms of adulthood so close on the horizon, this is not something parents can simply control. It is up to our teens to decide for themselves.