Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Cell Phone Envy

Ever since Chloe first saw one of her peers call a parent from school using a cell phone, Chloe has wanted a cell phone of her own. When kids started text messaging and using the photo features on their cell phones the craving only got stronger. But our answer to Chloe was the same answer nearly every other parent gives, “We will get you a cell phone when you need one.”

Philip got a cell phone when he went into Middle School, because that was when we needed him to have one. Chloe felt it was unfair but we held our ground. But now circumstances have worked in Chloe’s favor. Amelia and I are now working full time with Philip carrying responsibility for Chloe between the end of the school day and the first parent being available in the house.

So for her birthday, we wrapped the new cell phone among Chloe’s presents. This year’s party was simple: Pizza, cake and some games. Most of Chloe’s regular friends were at the party. Hot Dog and Big Gulp from her basketball team were both there. Chloe’s best friends from school Patty and Stephanie were also there. So was Samantha. And so was Lindsay, a girl from Chloe’s soccer team.

The party was going perfectly until Chloe unwrapped the cell phone. Perhaps we should have given that gift privately. But no parent complained. Chloe now needed a cell phone and this was her day to enjoy that imperfect coming-of-age event. The other “haves” in the room also needed their cell phones. And each of the “have-nots” in the room did not need a cell phone yet. And we knew their parents’ position on the subject matched ours.

Somehow, a cell phone is in the category along with a Disney theme park vacation. Normally young kids can handle the fact that some kids have things that others do not have. But it is not so with cell phones. And when you throw in the messaging, audio and video features that now come as standard with the little gadgets, it only magnifies the envy.

Most of the girls who did not have their own cell phones quickly shrugged off Chloe’s good kid-fortune. In fact they were genuinely happy for Chloe and looked on with enjoyment as Chloe and Lindsay tested out the new phone’s text messaging feature. But Patty wouldn’t let it go so easily. She sulked in the corner. She wrote “I’M MAD” on a name tag and stuck it on her forehead. And for at least a half hour Patty was a little dark storm cloud floating among a bunch of white-and-fluffies.

But in the long run, even Patty was able to accept her relative circumstance. Patty still calls Chloe on the regular phone and the two talk on and on about ten-year-old girl things. Chloe’s cell phone time is for family communication only until night and weekend minutes apply. But Chloe especially enjoys making videos using her cell phone. And she’s traded a non-excessive, rationed amount of text messages with Lindsay.

Inequality is difficult to deal with as a child, yet handling inequality is a necessary skill every good parent teaches to his or her kids. But some inequalities seem to get under kids’ skin more than others. All I can conclude is that cell phone envy is here to stay—at least for a while.

Friday, June 26, 2009

A Special Evening

Thanks to the magic of social networking, I recently connected with a high school peer, Brad, who attended the U.S. Air Force Academy. Now he pilots unmanned aircraft over Iraq and Afghanistan remotely from a States-side Air Force facility. Brad has earned the rank of Lieutenant Colonel in the U.S. Air Force. His story is fascinating for all sorts of reasons.

And as it turned out, Brad was staying just an hour-long drive from Hermes this past week doing work on an advanced degree. The two of us agreed to meet briefly if possible during the week he was close by and we managed to make that get-together happen the other night. I brought my son Philip and his friend Joshua along.

With no shortage of digital flight simulators creating appeal for the life of a military pilot among today’s teens, both Philip and Joshua were curious to meet Brad, hear Brad’s story, and learn about careers in the military and the educational options available—especially the Service Academies. Philip’s career interest is engineering, and the engineering programs at all of the Service Academies are top-rated. The chance to be a military pilot would be gravy for Philip. In contrast, Joshua with his physical prowess and black belt is most interested in a long-term military career.

Riding for an hour with two fourteen-year-old boys was an experience all its own. They’d created a game for themselves called Stupid Americans. The game was simple. Each tried to outdo the other with a humorous one-liner about the silly things Americans think, say and do. Each one-liner was delivered with a mock-accent and always began with the words “Stupid Americans …” It didn’t take me long to catch on.

Philip was ready to make us all laugh, “Stupid Americans! They cut down the rain forests in order to get cheap cow meat!

Then Joshua quipped, “Stupid Americans! They think black and white movies are ‘classics’!

So I entered the fray from the driver’s seat, “Stupid Americans! They pay forty cents per minute once they’ve used up all the time on their cell phone plans!

They laughed sincerely at my one-liner. But then I got serious, “Alright guys. This game is funny. But once we’re with Brad, no more using our country as the basis of jokes. Brad almost certainly knows people who have died for our country and has certainly risked his own life in service to this country. We’re about fifteen minutes out. Spend some time thinking about what kind of questions you’d like to ask him.

Our evening proved better than I’d hoped. To begin with, Brad took us to a military pub that served especially good greasy spoon. Philip and Joshua each devoured their fish-and-chips. But the real value was delivered as Brad began to explain to the boys about careers in the military, about the military academies, what the boys could do to gain admittance into the military academies and the alternative path of the ROTC programs. He also explained the benefits of enlisting directly out of high school. (Brad felt some of the very best officers were the ones who began their military careers as enlisted men.)

It was an evening to remember, if for no other reason than the fact that I got to see someone I had not seen in twenty-five years. We took pictures of the boys with Brad and then me with Brad. And then it was time to go home. We dropped Brad off at his hotel and headed back to Hermes.

On the ride home, did the boys talk about all the interesting things they’d learned from Brad? Of course not! They went right back to their game of Stupid Americans.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Twins Are Coordinated But Triplets Clash

Twin Day was announced at Orchard Heights Elementary School the day before it happened. The announcement fell on the heels of the Mileage Club award being given to Chloe, Patty and just three other third-graders—all of whom were boys. The award was a sharp looking royal blue t-shirt. With matching t-shirts in hand, Chloe and Patty quickly agreed they were going to be “twins” the next day and set about making their plans which also included putting their long hair up in ponytails.

Later that day, the class was in the library. Chloe and Patty were continuing to discuss their plans for Twin Day when their mutual friend Stephanie approached them. “The teacher says we are allowed to do triplets. You two are my best friends and I want to be triplets with you.”

I’d like to say Chloe and Patty gently but firmly explained to Stephanie that they had partnered for Twin Day to wear the Mileage Club t-shirts they had won. Instead they made a weak attempt to convince Stephanie to partner with someone else before giving verbal agreement to Stephanie’s proposal that blue shirts and blue jeans would make the three of them triplets. And to add another unintended insult to the following day’s injury neither Chloe nor Patty said anything about the ponytails; Stephanie’s hair was too short to ponytail. And while Chloe and Patty were true to their word about wearing blue shirts and blue jeans on Twin Day, the outcome would come as a painful shock to Stephanie.

Before the morning bell had rung to officially begin class, Stephanie was in a state of inconsolable crying. She told the teacher that Chloe and Patty had “switched” Twin Day outfits after the three had agreed on something else. Confessions and apologies were demanded and a “parent must sign” note went home that day with both Chloe and Patty.

I was the first parent to see the note. Chloe was visibly ashamed to hand me the note. Normally such notes are open-and-shut cases like talking in class. This note was different. Chloe and Patty were accused of being sneaky liars. And the note required them to give a written confession to lying. At that point I had Chloe walk me through all of the events and words traded that led to the disconnect regarding what to wear on Twin Day. It included very direct questions about the order of events and the exact words said. And while I was highly sympathetic to Stephanie’s genuine hurt and pain, I was deeply disturbed that my daughter had been coerced into a confession that exceeded her culpability. And so rather than merely signing the note, Amelia and I wrote one back. An abridged version of our note appears below. It reflects much of what Amelia and I value as parents.

Dear Miss Williams—

The note home says Chloe and Patty lied, switched their “twins” outfit and ultimately broke a promise they made to Stephanie. We have drawn different conclusions. Chloe and Patty certainly had a misunderstanding with Stephanie that resulted in deep pain and hurt. And we will work to help the girls mend their relationship. Nonetheless, there is a big difference between a misunderstanding and outright lying. We have concluded that wanting to appease her friend and satisfy her teacher, Chloe was coerced to admit to things she and Patty did not do.

We believe it is an important life skill to defend oneself when falsely or unfairly accused. For someone Chloe’s age who has learned that she is still loved even when she does something wrong, it is much easier and much less painful to accept culpability and move on, especially when the accusation comes from an authority figure—hence the need to develop such skills.

We’d like you to reconsider what happened. If you conclude as we have that this was a simple case of the kind of miscommunications and misunderstandings that happen among third graders, we think your support of this conclusion will work significantly to reconcile Stephanie to Chloe and Patty. If you conclude otherwise, that will be regrettable but we will respect your conclusion; we trust you’ll respect the fact that parents are not always going to agree with you.

Sincerely,

Scott and Amelia Askins

At not even ten years old, Stephanie, Chloe and Patty have reached the point in life when one desires friends and not merely playmates. Common interest may be what initially brings two kids or even two adults together in friendship, but loyalty, maturity, sensitivity and agreed-upon values are what sustain and grow true friendships. Unfortunately one’s desire for friendship at young ages exceeds what one’s closest and most well-intentioned same-aged friends can provide. The gap normally is most severe in middle school. For kids to continue to develop in an emotionally healthy manner during the tween and early teen years, it is essential for them to enjoy the care and respect of adults, beginning but certainly not ending with their parents.