It was the summer of 1986 and the twilight of my formative years. I was twenty years old, home from college, running my own computer services business and had purchased my first car. Somehow, college students with similar interests and values manage to meet one another. And so it was that I met Julie and lots of other young men and women enjoying a break from their college careers while earning a little money in the process. My summer social life was no longer confined to my high school, my job or even my town. It was expanding while at the same time becoming more focused.
It was either at a barbeque or a pool party one Friday or Saturday evening in June when Julie and I enjoyed our first extended chat. She was nineteen years old and had just completed her freshman year of college. We asked one another the usual home-for-the-summer college student ice-breaking questions. And in that process we quickly discovered she worked just a three minute drive from my number one client’s office. It was a natural, not the least bit awkward thing to agree to have lunch together. I asked and she accepted.
While I was working in an air-conditioned office, Julie worked outdoors and in a greenhouse at a local nursery. We must have made an odd looking couple at the diner where we first shared lunch. I was wearing a blue and white striped Ralph Lauren oxford cloth shirt, pale yellow draw-string Ocean Pacific pants, loafers and dark socks. Julie was wearing a flesh-toned tank top, denim short-shorts, low quarter athletic socks and a worn down pair of dirt-covered aerobic sneakers. Both of us were dressed for our respective jobs, of course. Our real interest was in the other person, not what the other person was wearing.
Lunch during a work week was by definition a tame date. Neither of us could harbor secret hopes for what would happen after the meal. We were both returning to work. And so we were focused on what serious adults focus on during a first date: Getting to know one another. But the moment I sat back down in the driver’s seat of my car after picking up Julie at the nursery, I discovered an immediate and unexpected benefit to having a lunch date with her. Julie smelled absolutely incredible. She couldn’t have smelled better if she had heavily sprayed herself with something from the Forbe’s Most Expensive Perfumes list. And the scent of her accented our entire lunch date and lingered in my car for days afterward. She had become saturated with the scent of fresh flowers from the nursery.
Julie and I enjoyed one another’s company over lunch that day. We ended up dating non-exclusively for the rest of the summer. With one exception, it was always a lunch date. And the only “benefit” was her intoxicating floral scent which I whole-heartedly enjoyed each time she and I got together. That summer marked a significant change in my dating interests. I had realized my next serious relationship would either end in significant heartache or in marriage. Julie seemed to have the same outlook. She and I were extremely cautious about commitment while at the same time very open to a significant amount of exploratory dating. We allowed the spark between us to develop into an ember but not a flame. She had at least one other guy she was also dating non-exclusively. Likewise, I enjoyed several other individual dates that summer. Nobody seemed to be feeling any jealousy.
Behind us were so many of the attitudes and pressures I now see in Philip’s life at Hermes High School and that were then an all too recent a memory of my own high school and early college days. Nobody quizzed us on our relationship. Nobody judged how suited we were to one another. There was no pressure to move the relationship forward quickly. And my desire to indulge in kissing and cuddling—while still very strong indeed—was substantially exceeded by my desire to conduct my dating relationships with the long term in mind. It was the most honest, comfortable and emotionally healthy dating relationship I had ever enjoyed, and it set a bar for all that would follow.
I cannot expect Philip at fourteen to enjoy what I never enjoyed until I was twenty, but I do think he can enjoy something very close to it. Dates are usually but not always too big a deal in his high school world to permit the ember-but-not-flame outcome. But individual dances, IM chats, text messaging, and extended conversations during school breaks, parties, sporting events, group beach or snow outings, and even phone calls all allow the spark to slowly develop into an emotionally healthy ember without prematurely forcing the flame. Admittedly, Philip may experience some awkward moments along the way. One gal-peer Philip hugged after an extended before-school chat greatly misinterpreted his embrace. And Erica’s interest-cultivating behavior toward Philip certainly did not mean she wouldn’t be exclusively dating one of the football players within just a few days. But Philip seems capable of navigating all that. He’s had to learn to be more cautious about who he hugs. And he is still not sure about where he would like to take things with Erica. For me as his dad, I am growing in my trust of his judgment. Today, rather than giving Philip advice, I would merely like to tell him my story of the girl who smelled like flowers.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Confiding too Much
Most of Philip’s friends have an irresistible urge to confide their most private thoughts. And with the advent of Facebook, his peers confide their private thoughts for all to see. A fellow lacrosse player recently had this in his status. “This really sucks. I just realized today that the girl I like is way out of my league and probably likes another guy anyway.”
Philip’s ex-girlfriend Layla is no less private. For three consecutive evenings starting the day she read Philip’s privately delivered break-up note, Layla composed and published four hundred to six hundred word Facebook notes about how she was coping with Philip ending their relationship. And then about a month later she published another five hundred word note about how she met and connected with her new boyfriend, Daniel. Like her break-up chronicles, the “new boyfriend” note contained more information than any smart parent would recommend confiding. Layla’s note included the fact that she and Philip shared the first slow dance at the first school dance which took place about two weeks after they broke up. It also included a description of how much she liked kissing her new boyfriend. And finally, she confided that she had never kissed a guy before she kissed Daniel.
The significance of the “first kiss” disclosure was not lost on Philip. Layla had effectively disclosed to the world (albeit indirectly) that she and Philip had never kissed. There were positive and negative aspects to this disclosure. On the negative side, Philip anticipated no shortage of annoying questions about his long done relationship with Layla. Why did you dance with her if you had broken up? Were you hoping to get back together? Did you really never kiss? Are you jealous of Daniel? On the positive side, Layla had disclosed to the world that her relationship with Philip had been tame. While he couldn’t verify his suspicion, it seemed to Philip that quite of number of the girls were shunning him because of his previous relationship with Layla. Layla and Daniel had been not-so-privately kissing during the morning and lunch breaks. Effectively, these girls seemed to think Philip had “used” Layla and then dumped her. Nothing could have been further from the truth, but Philip had no platform to defend himself against these unspoken accusations. But with her latest note, Layla had effectively given Philip the platform he needed to shine light on the truth of his honorable conduct with Layla. And so Philip composed the following comment to post below Layla’s note.
OK. Since I know a bunch of you are going to want to ask me a bunch of questions about Layla’s note, I’m going to answer them here so I won’t need to repeat myself.
1. Everything Layla has written about me in this and her other three notes is true.
2. That’s right. Layla and I never kissed. She and I spent the twenty-three days were dating exclusively getting to know one another.
3. Layla and I are still friends. The fact that we slow danced did not mean we wanted to get back together.
4. I’m really happy Layla and Daniel have found one another. They seem like a great match.
Despite posting his comment, Philip still got questions the next day, but he figured he got fewer than he would have otherwise. The questions came from the usual suspects: A handful of guys who thrive upon gossip. He did not get any questions from girls, but he sensed a small, guarded change in the way he was being treated by ones he suspected had been shunning him. Philip’s post was a tactical move that had the intended consequences. In contrast, most of his peers, including Layla and his friend from the lacrosse team continue to confide too much.
Philip’s ex-girlfriend Layla is no less private. For three consecutive evenings starting the day she read Philip’s privately delivered break-up note, Layla composed and published four hundred to six hundred word Facebook notes about how she was coping with Philip ending their relationship. And then about a month later she published another five hundred word note about how she met and connected with her new boyfriend, Daniel. Like her break-up chronicles, the “new boyfriend” note contained more information than any smart parent would recommend confiding. Layla’s note included the fact that she and Philip shared the first slow dance at the first school dance which took place about two weeks after they broke up. It also included a description of how much she liked kissing her new boyfriend. And finally, she confided that she had never kissed a guy before she kissed Daniel.
The significance of the “first kiss” disclosure was not lost on Philip. Layla had effectively disclosed to the world (albeit indirectly) that she and Philip had never kissed. There were positive and negative aspects to this disclosure. On the negative side, Philip anticipated no shortage of annoying questions about his long done relationship with Layla. Why did you dance with her if you had broken up? Were you hoping to get back together? Did you really never kiss? Are you jealous of Daniel? On the positive side, Layla had disclosed to the world that her relationship with Philip had been tame. While he couldn’t verify his suspicion, it seemed to Philip that quite of number of the girls were shunning him because of his previous relationship with Layla. Layla and Daniel had been not-so-privately kissing during the morning and lunch breaks. Effectively, these girls seemed to think Philip had “used” Layla and then dumped her. Nothing could have been further from the truth, but Philip had no platform to defend himself against these unspoken accusations. But with her latest note, Layla had effectively given Philip the platform he needed to shine light on the truth of his honorable conduct with Layla. And so Philip composed the following comment to post below Layla’s note.
OK. Since I know a bunch of you are going to want to ask me a bunch of questions about Layla’s note, I’m going to answer them here so I won’t need to repeat myself.
1. Everything Layla has written about me in this and her other three notes is true.
2. That’s right. Layla and I never kissed. She and I spent the twenty-three days were dating exclusively getting to know one another.
3. Layla and I are still friends. The fact that we slow danced did not mean we wanted to get back together.
4. I’m really happy Layla and Daniel have found one another. They seem like a great match.
Despite posting his comment, Philip still got questions the next day, but he figured he got fewer than he would have otherwise. The questions came from the usual suspects: A handful of guys who thrive upon gossip. He did not get any questions from girls, but he sensed a small, guarded change in the way he was being treated by ones he suspected had been shunning him. Philip’s post was a tactical move that had the intended consequences. In contrast, most of his peers, including Layla and his friend from the lacrosse team continue to confide too much.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Keeping the Hopes Alive
Erica, the extremely popular girl, won’t be dissolving into the sea of Philip’s gal-peers any time soon. Light itself behaves differently when it touches her. Her eyes are engaging. Her smile is alluring. Her laugher is intoxicating. She is thin, toned and shapely. Inside, Erica is still a fourteen-year-old girl. She is a tangled and imbalanced mixture of maturity and immaturity, wisdom and foolishness, bravery and insecurity, kindness and cruel insensitivity. Rightly, wrongly or both, Erica is the sole owner of Philip’s young adolescent heart.
Philip knows he holds some place in Erica’s heart, but his prominence therein is a mystery to him. He catches looks, overhears perhaps intended whispers, and sometimes even witnesses her usual confidence melt in front of him. Is she single-minded or fickle? Is she working to cultivate the interest of multiple guys? Or is Philip the only one? He doesn’t know. He analyzes her words and actions endlessly.
The first school dance was on a Friday. She had held him close and tight. They had seemingly connected, singing the final song of the evening into one another’s faces. He fired off a carefully crafted note to her the day after the dance, but there was no answer. Then on Monday evening, she announced to the world via her Facebook page that she was dating Bruce, one of the football players. On Wednesday, Erica finally broke the silence between her and Philip. Philip was heading out from his final class of the day and walking with a friend. A girl's voice called out from behind him, “Phil.” Nobody calls him Phil except some of his teachers, so at first he kept walking. But there it was again, “Phil” only louder, closer, and this time the voice was more recognizable and clearly directed at him. Philip turned around and there was Erica. She was alone. Philip had never seen Erica alone before.
“Hi Erica,” he said. Philip could see his friend was in total shock at the sight of Erica behind them. Philip looked back at Erica. And for the first time he saw her looking lost and uncertain. There was a long silence as Philip waited to hear what Erica wanted to say. Her mouth opened but no words came out. He saw her inhale and then pause again. Philip had just chosen his words to break the awkward silence when one of Erica’s friends called out to her from nearby. She smiled and hurried over to her friend.
The brief exchange was all it took to keep Philip’s hopes alive. A week later, Philip saw Erica was online so he initiated a chat. They briefly chatted about wearing braces. Then Philip asked how things were going between her and the football player.
Philip: Hey whats up.
Erica: hey philip! nothing much what about yourself?
Philip: Nothing really...
Erica: Sweeeeet haha
Philip: So where were you during history?
Erica:i had an ortho appoiontment!
Philip Ohh.. so your braces are off now
Erica: no not yet, they come off in the beginning of decemberr
Philip: I still got 6 months or something
Erica: aww that sucks, i had mine on for 2 yeears
Philip: wow... So how are you and Bruce getting along ... If I can ask...
Erica: we're alright..i dont think its gonna last though
Philip: Hmmm... did something happen?
Erica: no i just really dont do well in relationships
Philip stared at the screen of his gaming laptop not knowing what to type next. Before he could decide, Erica went offline. But she had confided a secret. It was another one of those acts that kept Philip’s hopes alive. It would prove to be just one of many. The next day, Erica publicly dumped Bruce during the morning break. The relationship had lasted just ten days. The whole school knew about it by the end of lunch. But Philip had known the night before it happened. But he wasn’t going to let anyone know about his advance knowledge. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be a secret. And it is things like secrets that keep the hopes alive.
Philip knows he holds some place in Erica’s heart, but his prominence therein is a mystery to him. He catches looks, overhears perhaps intended whispers, and sometimes even witnesses her usual confidence melt in front of him. Is she single-minded or fickle? Is she working to cultivate the interest of multiple guys? Or is Philip the only one? He doesn’t know. He analyzes her words and actions endlessly.
The first school dance was on a Friday. She had held him close and tight. They had seemingly connected, singing the final song of the evening into one another’s faces. He fired off a carefully crafted note to her the day after the dance, but there was no answer. Then on Monday evening, she announced to the world via her Facebook page that she was dating Bruce, one of the football players. On Wednesday, Erica finally broke the silence between her and Philip. Philip was heading out from his final class of the day and walking with a friend. A girl's voice called out from behind him, “Phil.” Nobody calls him Phil except some of his teachers, so at first he kept walking. But there it was again, “Phil” only louder, closer, and this time the voice was more recognizable and clearly directed at him. Philip turned around and there was Erica. She was alone. Philip had never seen Erica alone before.
“Hi Erica,” he said. Philip could see his friend was in total shock at the sight of Erica behind them. Philip looked back at Erica. And for the first time he saw her looking lost and uncertain. There was a long silence as Philip waited to hear what Erica wanted to say. Her mouth opened but no words came out. He saw her inhale and then pause again. Philip had just chosen his words to break the awkward silence when one of Erica’s friends called out to her from nearby. She smiled and hurried over to her friend.
The brief exchange was all it took to keep Philip’s hopes alive. A week later, Philip saw Erica was online so he initiated a chat. They briefly chatted about wearing braces. Then Philip asked how things were going between her and the football player.
Philip: Hey whats up.
Erica: hey philip! nothing much what about yourself?
Philip: Nothing really...
Erica: Sweeeeet haha
Philip: So where were you during history?
Erica:i had an ortho appoiontment!
Philip Ohh.. so your braces are off now
Erica: no not yet, they come off in the beginning of decemberr
Philip: I still got 6 months or something
Erica: aww that sucks, i had mine on for 2 yeears
Philip: wow... So how are you and Bruce getting along ... If I can ask...
Erica: we're alright..i dont think its gonna last though
Philip: Hmmm... did something happen?
Erica: no i just really dont do well in relationships
Philip stared at the screen of his gaming laptop not knowing what to type next. Before he could decide, Erica went offline. But she had confided a secret. It was another one of those acts that kept Philip’s hopes alive. It would prove to be just one of many. The next day, Erica publicly dumped Bruce during the morning break. The relationship had lasted just ten days. The whole school knew about it by the end of lunch. But Philip had known the night before it happened. But he wasn’t going to let anyone know about his advance knowledge. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be a secret. And it is things like secrets that keep the hopes alive.
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