Their private and special moment was immediately interrupted by Katherine who suddenly found them sitting alone together. Perhaps Katherine sensed the awkwardness because she left reasonably quickly after a quick exchange with Chloe. After what must have seemed like an eternity to Lars, Chloe turned her attention back to him, looked him in the eye and said “Yes” with a cute grin and nod of the head. The two shared a smile but held back any laughter that might have arisen out of Katherine’s untimely interruption before they had to head back to class. But they left morning break officially a couple.
That morning on the bleachers with all of its awkwardness and anticipation will be a memory Chloe and Lars will each remember for decades to come. There is something special and magical about being very young and experiencing the first feelings of romantic love. At the same time there is a dark side associated with young adolescents pairing off so quickly and so decisively. It is the driver of so much parental worry as well as a potential wedge between early adolescents and their parents. Both Amelia and I have been confronted by the same words of shock and horror from multiple well-meaning peers, “You let your daughter have a boyfriend!?!”
The answer to this rhetorical question worded as a statement is “yes” and given the reactions we have had from so many quarters, I believe our “yes” deserves significant clarification as well as context. Parents have four main tools that they can use to control their children: prohibition, regulation, education and modeling.
PROHIBITION --> REGULATION --> EDUCATION --> MODELING
When children are very young, parental control happens at the left side of the above chart. The center of parental control moves to the right as children mature. Part of this movement to the right happens as a function of parental judgment and part of it is a force of nature. The most interesting and significant aspect of this chart is that as one moves to the right, the impact has both a greater delay and more longevity. Modeling has its greatest impact on teenagers when it has been exercised consistently from the beginning.
Leading up to her pairing with Lars, Chloe asked us a lot about relationships with boys. It gave us the opportunity not only to answer her explicit questions but also to speak on the subject broadly. We talked about what character qualities to value and what behaviors should alert her to danger. While we couldn’t model a middle school relationship ourselves, we were able to walk her through interpreting the relationships and relationship behaviors she observed among other young adolescents. But even before Chloe was interested in Lars or asking us about boys we were already talking to Chloe about what healthy relationships look like and what unhealthy relationships look like.
While other parents may forbid dating before a certain age, the most important thing for these parents to do is to teach their daughters and sons about healthy relationship skills beginning at an early age. Parents who use prohibition as the primary or only means of controlling adolescent nature find themselves using their weakest and least effective tool.
Chloe is not prohibited from having a boyfriend. And so far, we have not even needed to lay down any regulations, though that may come. Chloe and Lars have been on just one official “date” in the five weeks they have been a pair. They went out for a pizza lunch after a half day and were joined by Katherine. Otherwise Chloe and Lars have spent their morning breaks and lunches at Hermes Middle School splitting their time between one another and their respective friends. There has been no kiss or holding hands yet. Part of the reason is youthful caution. But another part is the absence of desperation or urgency. Chloe and Lars have both been content getting to know one another slowly. As a parent, I am particularly happy that the relationship is tame as a result of their choosing and not outside pressure.
Right now the lines of communication are open with Chloe. That doesn’t mean she has no privacy. But we talk to her about Lars quite a bit. We like the way he speaks with her. We like that he was comfortable having Katherine tag along for his first date with Chloe. We like that he is not in any hurry for his romance to get physical. We like that he plays sports and is non-disruptive in the classroom. Most of all, we are happy that Lars is Chloe’s choice.
The adolescent years are when childhood begins to give way toward adulthood. As parents we may be frightened by the possibility that our kids will not make good choices. It is tempting to cling to prohibition and regulation. And it is disconcerting that education and modeling have such a delayed effect. But that is why we started early. As parents we enjoy the benefit of greater peace of mind. And Chloe gets to enjoy the benefit of having a nice boyfriend.
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