Meeting Layla evoked feelings Philip hadn’t felt before. The day after she met him, she asked him out and he accepted. It was only a few days before school was about to begin. The idea of arriving at school dating one of the girls in his class was something Philip was both particularly looking forward to and particularly dreading. It was already going to be a brand new school. And while he had many friends at the school, he was going to be the new kid in the eyes of the vast majority of his classmates. He wanted to connect with his old friends (mostly guys) as well as make new friends, but he also knew he would have obligations to his new girlfriend. And a big unknown was how her social life would collide and interact with his social life.
The first day of school was a half day. Philip and Layla agreed to have lunch with one another. Amelia and I had agreed to his lunch plans, provided he was home by an agreed-upon time, and that he would answer his phone if we called him. I had expected them to eat lunch in the strip mall that was closest to Hermes High School. But instead the pair walked three miles down Hermes Boulevard to the main section of town where there was a Deli. They never stopped talking. They talked for over three hours. During the middle of the afternoon, I needed to run a brief errand and drove into town from my home office. I had no expectations of seeing them, but there the two of them were standing in the shade on a downtown sidewalk—not even touching—just talking in an animated manner. They looked very cute to me. But what struck me the most was that the look on Philip’s face displayed more happiness than I had seen since before his jaw injury at the beginning of the sixth grade. Despite all my parental reservations about the two rushing into a relationship after just meeting, I wanted it to work out for them.
Philip and Layla began dividing their free time at school—a morning break plus lunch hour—between themselves and their other friends. On Facebook the two made their relationship known to all their friends. Word of their relationship spread throughout the school and other students would often ask Philip about his relationship with Layla.
But not long after, the relationship went into a slow decline. Philip expressed his reservations about using the words boyfriend and girlfriend when they had only just met. They began to experience more silence during their efforts to speak—as if everything that could be said had already been spoken. They went to a music festival with Layla’s family. Philip bought her a rose ahead of time and gave it to her. They had their one true snuggle that evening back at Layla’s home under her parent’s non-intrusive supervision. But there wasn’t even any kissing. That Monday, Philip told me he thought he might want to break off the relationship. But then not long after he told me he was worried about what would happen if Layla’s family moved back to Holland. I encouraged him that the best thing for him to do was to get to know her better. I told him he was certainly free to break up with her if he wanted, but that he needed to do it kindly and respectfully. Dumping is not something we as a family do to people.
Philip and Layla also spent the next week splitting their school breaks between each other and their respective friends. Their third and final date was on Memorial Day. I took the two of them with Chloe to a water park in San Geraldo. When we arrived, Chloe and I enjoyed a daddy-daughter date, while Philip and Layla headed off on their own. They had fun, but they were talking less and less. During the ride home they were almost completely silent. Layla began playing a game on her mobile phone while Philip simply stared out the window.
That evening, Philip told me he was almost certain he wanted to break things off with Layla and I reiterated my support, provided he did not Dump her. Unfortunately, Philip was not so decisive. He avoided her at first and then apologized for avoiding her. But the apology gave him an opportunity to reiterate his discomfort using the words boyfriend and girlfriend when they had known one another less than a month. He agreed to focus on getting to know one another. But things were in rapid decline. On Monday, Philip ate lunch at Ethan’s table with Layla, but not much was said. Then on Tuesday’s morning break, Layla had a small meltdown on campus. She began teasing an ex-boyfriend named Brian. The teasing declined into kicks and slaps. Ethan arrived with four other large, confident older students and brought the situation under control. But the event solidified things in Philip’s mind.
That evening Philip talked to me about how best to break up with Layla. He didn’t think he could pull it off face to face or even on the telephone. He wrote a kind note instead. He wasn’t comfortable with the idea of handing it to her, so he emailed it to her. It was late Tuesday evening. She read it early Wednesday morning. Wednesday was an awkward day. While Philip intended to tell nobody, Layla confided in friends and word quickly spread.
People began approaching Philip asking him why he broke up with Layla. “It just wasn’t working out,” was not a very satisfactory answer to most, but it was all Philip had. Philip was embarrassed about the fact that his first romance only lasted twenty-three days. But he decided to swallow his pride and move on. Then he discovered something interesting. He was not alone. A whole bunch of peers had paired off during the first few weeks of school. One by one these relationships failed too. Most failed in less than two weeks. None he knows of lasted as long as the one he shared with Layla.
Today Philip understands intellectually that all these short-lasting relationships including the one he shared with Layla were built on very fragile foundations. Few younger teens focus on getting to know one another before agreeing to commit to an exclusive dating relationship. The desire to pair off is strong. And there is a fear that if the commitment isn’t sealed quickly the opportunity will go away. As a parent I cannot even estimate the number of times I’ve thrown out the phrase “emotionally healthy non-dating friendships” but that all evaporated in Philip’s young mind when a crush seized him. Philip has learned a hard lesson. But he knows he is not alone. My wish for him is that he will move forward with greater caution and navigate the choppy waters of young love with more wisdom the next time.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Campus Warlords … Sort Of
Philip is still in his first month at Hermes High School. He hosted a party to reconnect with friends as well as make new ones shortly before school began. One of the new friends he made at the party, Layla, asked him out and the two had their first romantic date on the first day of school. Because it was a half day, the Philip and Layla left campus together and enjoyed lunch at a nearby deli.
But on most school days, lunch is on campus. They get a fifteen minute break in the mid-morning and a thirty minute lunch break in the early afternoon. Students tend to congregate into small groups during the two breaks. And especially during lunch, each group tends to center around a particularly charismatic student: A campus warlord of sorts.
Philip and Layla agreed to divide their breaks evenly between each other and their other respective friends. When not with Layla, Philip tended to join up with a group led by his friend Tim, a sophomore. Layla in turn tended to join a group led by a guy named Ethan, the older brother of one of Layla’s best friends. Layla tried joining Philip at the table with Tim and his other friends, but it did not quite work for her. Likewise, Philip joined Layla at Ethan’s table. Ethan quickly earned Philip’s respect as did Ethan’s other friends. But in general, if he wasn’t alone with Layla, Philip preferred Tim’s crowd, or the occasional visit to sit with Ross and Ross’ other friends.
During one recent lunch Ethan convinced his crowd to carry one of the lunch tables to a shady area at the top of a hill on the edge of campus. Tim and his crowd were sitting at the table next to the one Ethan carried away. After seeing Ethan’s plan unfold, Tim hatched a plan of his own and quickly convinced his friends to join Ethan’s crowd at the top of the hill with one important difference. Tim wanted to ride on the table while the eight freshmen and sophomores carried the load up the small hill. As they approached with Tim lying in a bodysurfing position on the table, Ethan caught the scene and began clapping. Soon Ethan’s whole table was giving Tim and his crowd a standing ovation.
Philip and Tim’s other friends placed the table down next to Ethan’s table and the small crowd hurried down the hill to retrieve their lunches. The two small crowds enjoyed a private lunch together with an overlook view of the small campus below. Comfortably before the bell each group carried their respective table back down to its proper place among the other lunch tables.
It proved to be a happy memory for Philip and perhaps many of the others who enjoyed lunch in a non-traditional manner that day at Hermes High School. More importantly, it was a bonding experience. Somehow the campus warlords managed to bring their friends closer together in a special and memorable way that day. As long as that is how they leverage their leadership, their warlord status is well-deserved.
But on most school days, lunch is on campus. They get a fifteen minute break in the mid-morning and a thirty minute lunch break in the early afternoon. Students tend to congregate into small groups during the two breaks. And especially during lunch, each group tends to center around a particularly charismatic student: A campus warlord of sorts.
Philip and Layla agreed to divide their breaks evenly between each other and their other respective friends. When not with Layla, Philip tended to join up with a group led by his friend Tim, a sophomore. Layla in turn tended to join a group led by a guy named Ethan, the older brother of one of Layla’s best friends. Layla tried joining Philip at the table with Tim and his other friends, but it did not quite work for her. Likewise, Philip joined Layla at Ethan’s table. Ethan quickly earned Philip’s respect as did Ethan’s other friends. But in general, if he wasn’t alone with Layla, Philip preferred Tim’s crowd, or the occasional visit to sit with Ross and Ross’ other friends.
During one recent lunch Ethan convinced his crowd to carry one of the lunch tables to a shady area at the top of a hill on the edge of campus. Tim and his crowd were sitting at the table next to the one Ethan carried away. After seeing Ethan’s plan unfold, Tim hatched a plan of his own and quickly convinced his friends to join Ethan’s crowd at the top of the hill with one important difference. Tim wanted to ride on the table while the eight freshmen and sophomores carried the load up the small hill. As they approached with Tim lying in a bodysurfing position on the table, Ethan caught the scene and began clapping. Soon Ethan’s whole table was giving Tim and his crowd a standing ovation.
Philip and Tim’s other friends placed the table down next to Ethan’s table and the small crowd hurried down the hill to retrieve their lunches. The two small crowds enjoyed a private lunch together with an overlook view of the small campus below. Comfortably before the bell each group carried their respective table back down to its proper place among the other lunch tables.
It proved to be a happy memory for Philip and perhaps many of the others who enjoyed lunch in a non-traditional manner that day at Hermes High School. More importantly, it was a bonding experience. Somehow the campus warlords managed to bring their friends closer together in a special and memorable way that day. As long as that is how they leverage their leadership, their warlord status is well-deserved.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Preparing Them for the Freedoms of Adulthood
“How much does one ease up on the protection we gave them as children in favor of the kind of freedom we will eventually fully release to them as adults?” In an email trade with Layla’s father, I wrote those words describing the timeless question parents of adolescents often ask themselves. We both struggle with the question, and we are not alone.
With Philip entering high school, it is a logical coming of age milestone to grant him wider freedoms. But I know it would be foolish of me to grant him those freedoms without training him to manage those freedoms. He is fourteen years old now. In less than two and a half years he will be seventeen and it will be legal for him to see an R-Rated movie without parental consent. The Motion Picture Association has all kinds of criteria that separate the R rating from the PG-13 rating. With Philip, I only care about one of them: The moments of soft pornography.
While it may be an over-generalization, in my mind R-Rated movies fall into two categories. There are the action movies which usually have a small amount soft pornography. And there are the comedies which often have a large amount of soft pornography. I decided now was the time to teach him how to handle the enticing images. A particular action movie had captured Philip’s interest. It was Gamer. I told him I would take him on the condition that he and I would talk about the soft pornography element of R-Rated movies before and after we watched it together. He agreed. As it turned out, Gamer fit my generalization by revealing four bare breasts in a manner that did nothing to advance the story line.
We all know adult men who are addicted to pornography. Some of them have had to admit to their problems and establish controls in their lives in order not to succumb to the addiction. Others live secret double lives, stealing awake late at night to indulge online or via some other medium and then hiding or erasing the evidence. And finally there are those who have openly embraced the addiction as a lifestyle. All are poignantly handicapped relative to the non-addicted. Except for the most vigilant members of the first group, they have a diminished capacity to keep their eyes from wandering. In developing romantic relationships, their relative interest in the woman’s body ranges from disproportionate to downright toxic. They find the unnatural shapes caused by breast implants and liposuctions to be most appealing rather than disturbing or monstrous.
While I do not want to be judgmental toward any individual, I do want to shape the kind of person my son grows up to be. And given how much our culture’s media displays such images, I believe it is an important part of one’s education to learn how to manage one’s reaction to these images. With really only one compromising scene, Gamer proved to be the perfect film for the first such training. Philip and I could discuss it afterward, and we did. He easily agreed the scene was unnecessary to advance the plot. Actually displaying the four breasts was unnecessary to accomplish the character development of the gawking adolescent in the movie. In the end Philip could see the requisite scene for what it was. It was there to satisfy someone with an agenda different from his own.
If Philip recognizes and embraces the values I hold, I know he can learn to master his own mind. With such mastery, he can enjoy the highest budget, most action-oriented movies. He can enjoy any public beach. And most importantly, he can one day fully enjoy the private intimate relationship he will share with a spouse.
The majority of parents I meet do not agree with my approach. One group declares the images are no big deal. I suspect most of these are people who themselves indulge in pornography as adults or have chosen to accept such indulgence by a spouse. The other group believes stricter rules that shelter their sons and daughters right up until each son or daughter leaves home is the way to go. While I certainly have a greater respect for this latter group, I have witnessed too many disastrous results to embrace their strategy. That said, of all the actions I am taking as a parent to raise my son well, this is the one I question the most. Time will tell whether or not it was a wise choice.
With Philip entering high school, it is a logical coming of age milestone to grant him wider freedoms. But I know it would be foolish of me to grant him those freedoms without training him to manage those freedoms. He is fourteen years old now. In less than two and a half years he will be seventeen and it will be legal for him to see an R-Rated movie without parental consent. The Motion Picture Association has all kinds of criteria that separate the R rating from the PG-13 rating. With Philip, I only care about one of them: The moments of soft pornography.
While it may be an over-generalization, in my mind R-Rated movies fall into two categories. There are the action movies which usually have a small amount soft pornography. And there are the comedies which often have a large amount of soft pornography. I decided now was the time to teach him how to handle the enticing images. A particular action movie had captured Philip’s interest. It was Gamer. I told him I would take him on the condition that he and I would talk about the soft pornography element of R-Rated movies before and after we watched it together. He agreed. As it turned out, Gamer fit my generalization by revealing four bare breasts in a manner that did nothing to advance the story line.
We all know adult men who are addicted to pornography. Some of them have had to admit to their problems and establish controls in their lives in order not to succumb to the addiction. Others live secret double lives, stealing awake late at night to indulge online or via some other medium and then hiding or erasing the evidence. And finally there are those who have openly embraced the addiction as a lifestyle. All are poignantly handicapped relative to the non-addicted. Except for the most vigilant members of the first group, they have a diminished capacity to keep their eyes from wandering. In developing romantic relationships, their relative interest in the woman’s body ranges from disproportionate to downright toxic. They find the unnatural shapes caused by breast implants and liposuctions to be most appealing rather than disturbing or monstrous.
While I do not want to be judgmental toward any individual, I do want to shape the kind of person my son grows up to be. And given how much our culture’s media displays such images, I believe it is an important part of one’s education to learn how to manage one’s reaction to these images. With really only one compromising scene, Gamer proved to be the perfect film for the first such training. Philip and I could discuss it afterward, and we did. He easily agreed the scene was unnecessary to advance the plot. Actually displaying the four breasts was unnecessary to accomplish the character development of the gawking adolescent in the movie. In the end Philip could see the requisite scene for what it was. It was there to satisfy someone with an agenda different from his own.
If Philip recognizes and embraces the values I hold, I know he can learn to master his own mind. With such mastery, he can enjoy the highest budget, most action-oriented movies. He can enjoy any public beach. And most importantly, he can one day fully enjoy the private intimate relationship he will share with a spouse.
The majority of parents I meet do not agree with my approach. One group declares the images are no big deal. I suspect most of these are people who themselves indulge in pornography as adults or have chosen to accept such indulgence by a spouse. The other group believes stricter rules that shelter their sons and daughters right up until each son or daughter leaves home is the way to go. While I certainly have a greater respect for this latter group, I have witnessed too many disastrous results to embrace their strategy. That said, of all the actions I am taking as a parent to raise my son well, this is the one I question the most. Time will tell whether or not it was a wise choice.
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