Some Parents Just Don’t Get It

Every once in while, we run into a family whose values and thinking wouldn’t even make a good science fiction plot. In those rare cases, we often find it impossible to identify any basis for common ground to work out our differences. It isn’t long before we part ways, mainly for the kids’ sake. In each case, there were early-warning signs that we should have heeded from the beginning.

Chloe’s classmate Barbara took a sudden interest in Chloe. Chloe was quite flattered and the parents began trading phone calls about connecting the two kids for play activities. The early warning signs for Barbara’s family were that they had no concept of how or why to respect our schedule.

Barbara’s family lives roughly fifteen minutes from our home. For the first get-together Amelia drove Chloe to Barbara’s house at the agreed-upon time, only to discover they were not there. Amelia called Barbara’s mother on her mobile phone. Where were they? Barbara and her mother were driving and wouldn’t be home for 45 minutes. It hadn’t even occurred to them to call us ahead of time.

We later arranged for a Saturday get-together, coordinating the time of Chloe getting picked up with the time Amelia would need to leave in order to see Philip’s Lacrosse game. I took Philip ahead of time and Amelia waited at home with Chloe. When Barbara’s parents were running 20 minutes late, Amelia called. “Oh. We’re running late this morning. I just got up and Barbara is still in her pajamas. How about we come by in two or three hours?” So Amelia took Chloe to her brother’s game and arrived some time toward the end of the second quarter. Meanwhile, Amelia helped Chloe fight back the tears over her play time with Barbara being delayed and cut short by over two hours.

So we should have known better (especially given the plan) but we let Chloe go to Barbara’s birthday party that began the following Saturday at 11:00am for a viewing of the Hannah Montana movie and wouldn’t end until early the following morning when we were supposed to pick Chloe up after a sleepover with Barbara and four other third grade girls.

Amelia arrived bleary-eyed at 8:15 Sunday morning. Barbara’s mother said she had something very important to tell everyone, especially Chloe’s mother. Normally in such circumstances, this is where a parent gets to make all the children feel good about what great friends everyone was to the birthday girl. Barbara was actually dancing about saying, "Hurray! My mom is going to tell Chloe's mother!"

So after lining all the girls up in a paramilitary fashion, Barbara's mother then declared that Chloe had ruined Barbara's entire birthday. What was Chloe's crime exactly? It took some time to get a clear idea exactly what the problem was. Amelia regrets not having immediately demanded that the discussion be tabled until a time when things could be dealt with privately to ensure each child's dignity. But Barbara's mother did not value ensuring each child's dignity. Instead she wanted to vent. Eventually we learned that any actual crime of commission or ommission took place after Chloe's normal bed time. The girls had already been watching television for over two hours. Barbara wanted to watch more television. Chloe—echoing her parents' values and way of saying things—tactfully said, "I think we've watched enough TV. It's probably time for bed." Barbara's mother then scolded Chloe, saying Barbara was the birthday girl.

Things only went down hill as the clock approached 11:00pm. One verbal altercation after another took place between Chloe and either Barbara or her mother. The two seemed to find pleasure out of there being a girl misbehaving that Barbara's mother could scould. By 11:00pm Chloe had quite enough. She demanded to call us so that she could go home. But Barbara's mother did not want the problem child to go home and so refused. (We now require Chloe to call us when settling down to bed at any sleepover to ensure she does not need to endure such abuse.)

In the end, Chloe will recover from her one difficult night in Barbara's home. Barbara will spend some number of years thinking Chloe ruined her third grade birthday party. She probably believes someone else ruined a lot of events that should have been special. Sadly, it looks like most of the birthday party was fun, but to say it was not ruined would challenge her family's most deeply held values. But a day will come when Barbara will be mature enough to think on her own and can decide for herself who really ruined things. For our family, we merely needed to explain to Chloe that some parents just don't get it.