Bradley was on the far end of the periphery of Philip’s social network. He was a reasonably popular junior and had been the second string quarterback at Conquistador High School, one of Hermes’ main rivals. For his seventeenth birthday, Bradley’s family gave him what was intended to be a very generous gift. They rented a nice facility, hired a DJ and sponsored a teen dance on Valentine’s Day evening. It was on a Sunday night, but all the schools in the area were closed Monday for President’s Day.
Bradley put up a nice invitation on Facebook. He invited all his friends and encouraged them to invite others. The event clearly stated that one did not need a formal invitation to attend. The attendee list included students from Hermes, Conquistador and Santa Carla. Since Bradley was a junior from another school and Philip was only a freshman, they were not friends on Facebook. Nonetheless, Philip recognized several friends on the attendee list, including a few of the girls who had gone snowboarding with him two weeks earlier. Philip was nervous about going. But between the event’s natural appeal and Amelia and I encouraging him, Philip decided he would go.
On the Facebook event page, over fifty people had accepted Bradley’s invitation and over seventy had said maybe. More than half were girls. I dropped Philip off a fashionable half an hour after the start time to what seemed like an overflow crowd. But my initial perception proved wrong. The teens were hanging around outside because the party inside was nearly dead. Philip estimated there were fifteen girls and thirty-five guys at the peak of the party with perhaps a total of seventy-five if one were to count those who made a brief appearance and then left. Philip managed to enjoy just two dances with the two girls he knew from snowboarding. Then after less than an hour the dancing had stopped because the girls were too embarrassed to dance on a near-empty dance floor. In short, the dance was a miserable failure and Bradley must have been crushed.
Per his request via a text message, I picked up Philip an hour before the dance officially ended. We talked about the dance and why it might have been such a failure. It wasn’t Bradley’s popularity. And it was not the appeal of the event itself. One could not fault Bradley and his family for not offering alcohol to minors, but that would have clearly solved the attendance problem. And so in the end it came down to promotion. Bradley simply did not invite enough guests and most importantly he did not talk up the party enough—if at all. Philip’s own reluctance to attend the party was anecdotal evidence enough of this problem.
Understanding Bradley’s mistake in getting people to attend was important. At least it was important in my mind. Philip’s own birthday event, a party that had no DJ and no special facility was scheduled for the following week. The appeal was only a backyard campfire and the chance to hang out with one another. Philip added a mere five people to his Facebook guest list and telephoned just two girls he knew who did not have Facebook accounts. Beyond that, Philip was not comfortable promoting his party.
Philip’s best friend from Oak Hills Charter School, Joshua, arrived right at the beginning of the party. But Joshua’s sister Debbie was grounded and did not join them. Philip and Joshua hung out by the campfire with a CD playing a mix of alternative and hip-hop. Forty-five minutes into the party, the moment of fashionable lateness, Vienna arrived with her best friend and two guys Philip considered friends. Nonetheless, that party was still three to five people short of critical mass. The group of six hung out by the campfire enjoying one another’s company, but the group conversation started to die after about half an hour. Philip suggested they go inside and watch an instant movie. That bought them the length of the movie. But after that Philip was out of ideas and suggested they call it a night just an hour before the scheduled end to the party.
Half the people who had said they were coming to Philip’s party did not come because they decided to go to a basketball game. And none of the people who had said maybe came. Had it not been for Vienna, the party would almost certainly have been only Philip and Joshua. As the evening progressed, I understood why so many parents turn a blind eye toward alcohol at teen parties. But that is not an option we are going to seriously consider. What it means is that until Philip is comfortable actively promoting his parties, there is no point in having another. The days of Amelia or I contacting the parents of Philip’s peers to ensure they attend his parties are behind us. It is up to Philip to make his own social life happen. We’ll have to see how that plays out. At least Philip did not suffer Bradley’s humiliation.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
A Daddy Daughter Shopping Trip
Philip was spending the weekend snowboarding with friends. Amelia was on her annual girls’ weekend away. Both were tucked away in a mountain community at least four hours from home. Amelia was with about five friends in a townhouse. Philip was with about thirty-five friends in a lodge. Chloe and I had an entire weekend to do “daddy and daughter” things all by ourselves. We ate the food the other two never wanted to eat. We watched a movie that appealed to us alone. I took her to her basketball game and watched her score three points between a foul shot and a regular basket. But my favorite shared activity of the weekend was shopping together in a girls’ beauty shop that just opened in town.
The store was stationed right next to one of the two pharmacies in Hermes. While Chloe grabbed a shiny metallic basket to shop in earnest, I engaged the store manager on her company’s business plan. The beauty store was actually owned by the pharmacy’s parent company. The idea was to expand the pharmacy’s sale of beauty products by winning business away from the department stores in the mall. The inventory was more high-end than what was normally found in a pharmacy. Additionally, the beauty store had dedicated staff. That day the store manager had one sales assistant. Unlike their department store counterparts, they were not wearing lab coats. Instead they were dressed and made up as if they knew what they were doing by experience, not just training.
While I was asking the store manager about daily sales volume during their first quarter of business, Chloe came by to show me her likely purchase which was a $16.99 twist out container of lipstick. But Chloe called it lip gloss. “You can get the lip gloss if you want, Chloe. But that will probably be all you can get, since you just have twenty dollars.”
Chloe skipped away happy she could get the lipstick. “I’m pretty sure this is what I want to get,” she said with giddy eagerness. “But I want to keep looking around.” Chloe scoured the store. She spent a long time looking at the nail polish. But she also looked at eye shadow, the rest of the lipstick offerings, foundations, powders, moisturizers and everything else that lined the store’s shelves. While the store manager was describing to me the growing interest the store had from middle school aged girls, Chloe came over to ask, “What is mascara?”
After about twenty minutes in the store with no other customers. I figured I owed the store manager an opportunity to sell me something. “I’d like to get some perfume for my wife as a Valentine’s Day gift,” I said. “Can you recommend a few choices?” The store manager brought me over and gave me her sales presentation. From my MBA perspective, there was not much depth to the sales presentation. She simply began straying pinky-length strips of hard paper sticks from the test bottles and asked me my opinion. After the first three, I suggested I narrow my choices down to no more than two and test them out of each of Chloe’s wrists.
After smelling about eleven different perfumes, Chloe came by again having completed her self-guided tour of the store’s entire inventory. She still wanted to purchase the $16.99 lipstick and I told her she could buy it when we leave. Then I recruited her to be the true tester for the perfumes I was considering for Amelia. Chloe was immediately excited by the idea. She had looked at the perfume containers, but hadn’t smelled them at all. Suddenly there were eleven little scent sticks for her to inspect with her own olfactory senses. Trying on multiple perfumes also gave me the perfect platform to ensure Chloe took the scheduled shower I promised Amelia I would enforce.
With Chloe and I as the only customers in the store, the sales manager and her assistant indulged Chloe with their attention. They suggested five sprays rather than two: One at each elbow, one at the base of each hand, and one on the back of the neck. The first three were my top choices from the eleven original sprays. Then based on my feedback, they suggested two more. The final spray to the back of Chloe’s neck carried the day.
We all went to the check-out counter satisfied. Chloe purchased the most expensive container of makeup she’d ever owned. I had formulated an MBA case study if I ever needed one. Amelia had one of the nicest Valentine’s gifts I had ever given her on its way. And the staff at the beauty store had a nice sale of around six percent of their daily quota added to that day’s volume. The purchase came with a few free promotional giveaways for Chloe which topped it all off.
We put our bags in the car and indulged in one last daddy-daughter ritual. We walked into our favorite local coffee shop. I ordered black coffee. Chloe ordered a buttered croissant and a hot chocolate. We sat together for fifteen minutes reviewing our shopping trip to the beauty store. It was a fun trip and a fun weekend for both of us.
The store was stationed right next to one of the two pharmacies in Hermes. While Chloe grabbed a shiny metallic basket to shop in earnest, I engaged the store manager on her company’s business plan. The beauty store was actually owned by the pharmacy’s parent company. The idea was to expand the pharmacy’s sale of beauty products by winning business away from the department stores in the mall. The inventory was more high-end than what was normally found in a pharmacy. Additionally, the beauty store had dedicated staff. That day the store manager had one sales assistant. Unlike their department store counterparts, they were not wearing lab coats. Instead they were dressed and made up as if they knew what they were doing by experience, not just training.
While I was asking the store manager about daily sales volume during their first quarter of business, Chloe came by to show me her likely purchase which was a $16.99 twist out container of lipstick. But Chloe called it lip gloss. “You can get the lip gloss if you want, Chloe. But that will probably be all you can get, since you just have twenty dollars.”
Chloe skipped away happy she could get the lipstick. “I’m pretty sure this is what I want to get,” she said with giddy eagerness. “But I want to keep looking around.” Chloe scoured the store. She spent a long time looking at the nail polish. But she also looked at eye shadow, the rest of the lipstick offerings, foundations, powders, moisturizers and everything else that lined the store’s shelves. While the store manager was describing to me the growing interest the store had from middle school aged girls, Chloe came over to ask, “What is mascara?”
After about twenty minutes in the store with no other customers. I figured I owed the store manager an opportunity to sell me something. “I’d like to get some perfume for my wife as a Valentine’s Day gift,” I said. “Can you recommend a few choices?” The store manager brought me over and gave me her sales presentation. From my MBA perspective, there was not much depth to the sales presentation. She simply began straying pinky-length strips of hard paper sticks from the test bottles and asked me my opinion. After the first three, I suggested I narrow my choices down to no more than two and test them out of each of Chloe’s wrists.
After smelling about eleven different perfumes, Chloe came by again having completed her self-guided tour of the store’s entire inventory. She still wanted to purchase the $16.99 lipstick and I told her she could buy it when we leave. Then I recruited her to be the true tester for the perfumes I was considering for Amelia. Chloe was immediately excited by the idea. She had looked at the perfume containers, but hadn’t smelled them at all. Suddenly there were eleven little scent sticks for her to inspect with her own olfactory senses. Trying on multiple perfumes also gave me the perfect platform to ensure Chloe took the scheduled shower I promised Amelia I would enforce.
With Chloe and I as the only customers in the store, the sales manager and her assistant indulged Chloe with their attention. They suggested five sprays rather than two: One at each elbow, one at the base of each hand, and one on the back of the neck. The first three were my top choices from the eleven original sprays. Then based on my feedback, they suggested two more. The final spray to the back of Chloe’s neck carried the day.
We all went to the check-out counter satisfied. Chloe purchased the most expensive container of makeup she’d ever owned. I had formulated an MBA case study if I ever needed one. Amelia had one of the nicest Valentine’s gifts I had ever given her on its way. And the staff at the beauty store had a nice sale of around six percent of their daily quota added to that day’s volume. The purchase came with a few free promotional giveaways for Chloe which topped it all off.
We put our bags in the car and indulged in one last daddy-daughter ritual. We walked into our favorite local coffee shop. I ordered black coffee. Chloe ordered a buttered croissant and a hot chocolate. We sat together for fifteen minutes reviewing our shopping trip to the beauty store. It was a fun trip and a fun weekend for both of us.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
A Modern Valentine’s Tale Begins
Erica’s treatment of Philip rapidly went from flirtatious to contemptuous as if she was preparing for life as paparazzi-harassed starlet. After turning down Philip’s invitation to go out, Erica blocked him on Facebook. It was unique. Philip knew there was at least one other guy who had asked her out that same week and he did not get the same treatment. Erica hadn’t even unfriended the football player she had the ten day hot-and-then-cold relationship with shortly after Philip and Erica met. But there it was for Philip: The digital equivalent of a restraining order.
Philip did not know what to think. But he was not intimidated and genuinely wanted to make things right by apologizing or confronting whoever might by telling Erica lies about him. But when he asked Erica directly, she flatly denied she had either blocked or unfriended him. “It must be a mistake,” she replied. But not long after she was heard spreading jokes about “not being friends any more.” And so Philip moved on. But a thin grey line had been drawn in the sand. If Erica had her way, one would be on either winning Team Erica or losing Team Philip. But the actual teaming that has developed appears to be more negative than positive and Philip was hardly losing. Erica has created and now leads something that would be more accurately described as Team against Philip since Erica is against Philip. For his part, Philip has found himself surrounded by a growing crowd of guys who have developed a particular dislike for Erica. He has become the rallying figurehead for Team We’re Sick of Erica.
This new set of guys rallying around Philip waste no time pointing out something they claim Erica does with regularity. Erica will draw a guy in with a smile, batting eyelashes and other flirtatious actions. But in such cases Erica has no real or genuine interest in the guy. And if the guy gets bold enough to pursue Erica, her treatment of the guy quickly swings into reverse, “Ew! No!” The result for Erica is a small crowd of timid, fawning, emasculated admirers. Even Erica's ex-boyfriend Bruce from the football team has not been immune. Not long after Bruce got his driver’s license, Erica had recruited him as her chauffer.
A teenage girls’ most often used offensive weapon against a teenage guy is to attack his dignity by making him look and feel undesirable. And Erica chose to bring the full force of her personal arsenal toward this end with Philip. It is worth noting here that teenage guys use the same weapon against teenage girls, but they also have other offensive weapons available to them in their social battles with teenage girls. Words like Slut, Whore and Bitch attack a teenage girl’s character and the appropriateness of her conduct. And the equivalent accusations against guys hold much less social stigma.
As a family, we have taught Philip not to go on the offensive. And so far, he understands the long term disadvantages of going on the offensive and is not facing severe temptation to do so. Instead we have taught him how to tactfully take a strong defensive position. “Yep. She’s really, really mad at me about something. Just ask her,” he might say with a smile and matter-of-fact demeanor. But he leaves the use of crude words and degrading stories for others. As a member of the lacrosse team, he gets to listen to it often in the safety and privacy of the guys’ changing room.
Initially, those willing to show Philip support appeared to be guys only. And to be fair, a girl would open herself up to teasing and ridicule if she were to show too much open support for Philip or any guy for that matter. But Valentine’s Day provided one girl with the opportunity to tell Philip he was far from undesirable.
The guys and even a few girls in the gymnasium erupted with clapping and cat-calls. Some were happy merely to have a guy receive a Valentine. Others took particular pleasure in seeing Philip receive a token that underscored his desirability among teenage girls, despite all of Erica’s efforts. And although he did not know it at the time, the anonymous sender herself—a girl named
Late the following week, Philip had received enough hints from mutual friends to know with near certainty that
Sunday, January 31, 2010
In the Circle and Perhaps Even an Emerging Campus Warlord
In Philip’s eyes, the moment was almost certainly no big deal. For him, the moment was most likely a logical continuation of a smooth stream of getting to know the people in one of his various crowds better. But for me it was a sharp contrast from what I had observed roughly eight months earlier. Eight months earlier, Renee was the rising eleventh-grader whose words to Philip during the carwash fundraiser had seemed potentially condescending to me. Renee was one of the social dominants inside a circle of teens that wouldn’t quite let Philip inside that day.
I saw Renee again last Friday when I dropped off Philip for a weekend teen snow trip. Renee and Philip had arrived at roughly the same time. Both had snowboards rather than skis, and both were submitting their health release forms and final payments at one end of the parking lot, while I carried half of Philip’s baggage to the bus at the other end of the parking lot. After I gave Philip’s final bag to the bus driver, I turned away and saw Philip and Renee stepping away from the group of registrants at the same time. Philip was now just slightly taller than Renee. Their body language spoke volumes. It did not contain affection. (That would have really surprised me.) But their heads were down and they were walking in unison as close as two teens could walk together without actually touching. What I saw was trust and mutual respect. Philip and Renee were sharing a conversation that was meant to be just between the two of them. The two were probably completely unaware of their shared body language. They walked all the way from one end of the parking lot to the other like that until they stepped onto the bus together. It was another situation where I didn’t mind not getting a goodbye.
Renee’s crowd was not the only group of teens in which Philip’s social standing had been advancing. As the school year progressed, Philip moved away from Tim and his crowd, and had instead enjoyed lunches with other freshmen. Philip’s newer lunchtime crowd has been mostly guys, and these guys seem to gain particular enjoyment watching Philip watching Philip interact with girls. Philip’s new crowd seemed to notice every signal Erica was sending to Philip. And they began pushing Philip to ask Erica out. But they had other designs as well.
One of the guys, Marty, wanted help meeting girls. So Philip joined Marty during lunch one day and asked two freshman girls if they could sit with them. The two girls quickly agreed and the four enjoyed a nice lunch together. But the next day Philip saw Marty talking with the same two girls at the beginning of lunch. As Philip approached to join them, the two girls walked away from Marty. “What happened?” Philip asked Marty.
“Well,” Marty answered. “It seems they BOTH have a crush on YOU.”
“Are you sure?” Philip laughed.
“Yes. I am ABSOLUTELY certain,” Marty answered with only a small degree of annoyance.
When one girl, Nancy, had confided with some of Philip’s lunchtime friends that she would really like to have a date for the Winter Formal, Marty and Philip’s other lunchtime friends began to push Philip to ask Nancy to the dance. And so only minutes later, Philip fearlessly asked Nancy to the dance, “That’s ironic,” she stared at Philip. “Somebody else just asked me to the dance less than five minutes ago and I told him yes.” It was a kind let-down. Philip stared back at her sharing her sense of odd timing. Then he looked behind him and gave an annoyed stare to his lunchtime crowd. The second look was not lost on Nancy. “Oh no!” Nancy exclaimed. “Did they tell you that you should ask me to the dance!” And she ran over to scold Philip’s lunchtime friends.
Lastly, Philip’s lunchtime crowd convinced Philip to finally ask out Erica. And so, Philip managed to pull together his courage and asked her out. It was exactly four months to the day after he had first danced with Erica. She gave him a disappointed look. “I like someone else,” was all she said in reply. He told nobody about the exchange. And it turned out she told nobody either because the next day Philip’s lunchtime crowd continued to push Philip to ask out Erica. He decided to leave them in the dark.
For me, I am glad Philip has gotten close to Renee and her crowd, and that Philip is someone his classmates admire. And I am especially glad Philip finally asked out Erica. I am especially glad for two reasons. First, if he was brave enough to ask out Erica, he will never be intimidated from pursuing someone. And second—now that Erica has turned him down—Philip’s heart is free to look elsewhere. I am anticipating not only a better match, but also someone more deserving.
I saw Renee again last Friday when I dropped off Philip for a weekend teen snow trip. Renee and Philip had arrived at roughly the same time. Both had snowboards rather than skis, and both were submitting their health release forms and final payments at one end of the parking lot, while I carried half of Philip’s baggage to the bus at the other end of the parking lot. After I gave Philip’s final bag to the bus driver, I turned away and saw Philip and Renee stepping away from the group of registrants at the same time. Philip was now just slightly taller than Renee. Their body language spoke volumes. It did not contain affection. (That would have really surprised me.) But their heads were down and they were walking in unison as close as two teens could walk together without actually touching. What I saw was trust and mutual respect. Philip and Renee were sharing a conversation that was meant to be just between the two of them. The two were probably completely unaware of their shared body language. They walked all the way from one end of the parking lot to the other like that until they stepped onto the bus together. It was another situation where I didn’t mind not getting a goodbye.
Renee’s crowd was not the only group of teens in which Philip’s social standing had been advancing. As the school year progressed, Philip moved away from Tim and his crowd, and had instead enjoyed lunches with other freshmen. Philip’s newer lunchtime crowd has been mostly guys, and these guys seem to gain particular enjoyment watching Philip watching Philip interact with girls. Philip’s new crowd seemed to notice every signal Erica was sending to Philip. And they began pushing Philip to ask Erica out. But they had other designs as well.
One of the guys, Marty, wanted help meeting girls. So Philip joined Marty during lunch one day and asked two freshman girls if they could sit with them. The two girls quickly agreed and the four enjoyed a nice lunch together. But the next day Philip saw Marty talking with the same two girls at the beginning of lunch. As Philip approached to join them, the two girls walked away from Marty. “What happened?” Philip asked Marty.
“Well,” Marty answered. “It seems they BOTH have a crush on YOU.”
“Are you sure?” Philip laughed.
“Yes. I am ABSOLUTELY certain,” Marty answered with only a small degree of annoyance.
When one girl, Nancy, had confided with some of Philip’s lunchtime friends that she would really like to have a date for the Winter Formal, Marty and Philip’s other lunchtime friends began to push Philip to ask Nancy to the dance. And so only minutes later, Philip fearlessly asked Nancy to the dance, “That’s ironic,” she stared at Philip. “Somebody else just asked me to the dance less than five minutes ago and I told him yes.” It was a kind let-down. Philip stared back at her sharing her sense of odd timing. Then he looked behind him and gave an annoyed stare to his lunchtime crowd. The second look was not lost on Nancy. “Oh no!” Nancy exclaimed. “Did they tell you that you should ask me to the dance!” And she ran over to scold Philip’s lunchtime friends.
Lastly, Philip’s lunchtime crowd convinced Philip to finally ask out Erica. And so, Philip managed to pull together his courage and asked her out. It was exactly four months to the day after he had first danced with Erica. She gave him a disappointed look. “I like someone else,” was all she said in reply. He told nobody about the exchange. And it turned out she told nobody either because the next day Philip’s lunchtime crowd continued to push Philip to ask out Erica. He decided to leave them in the dark.
For me, I am glad Philip has gotten close to Renee and her crowd, and that Philip is someone his classmates admire. And I am especially glad Philip finally asked out Erica. I am especially glad for two reasons. First, if he was brave enough to ask out Erica, he will never be intimidated from pursuing someone. And second—now that Erica has turned him down—Philip’s heart is free to look elsewhere. I am anticipating not only a better match, but also someone more deserving.
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Truly Best Performance in My Eyes
Business trips are a necessary evil in my life these days. They take me to a completely different world. And the longer the business trip is, the more I notice the contrast between those two worlds. I live alone as opposed to with my family. I sleep in a small hotel room in a palace-like urban setting as opposed to a medium-sized house in a suburban upper-middle class development. The people I socialize with are business contacts rather than friends. The food is different. The drinking water is different. The climate is different. The soap, shampoo and water pressure are different. The mattress, pillows and bedding are different. The vehicle is different. And it may be a taxi driver or a colleague at the wheel. I’m even wearing different clothes: The wrinkle resistant business attire.
On my most recent business trip, I was gone for three nights. It was the annual sales conference for my company’s largest business partner, a $500 million software company. The conference was at a large hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. I cannot think of a city that is more different than Hermes.
On the second night of the conference, my manager and I were given second row seats to the most beautiful, creative and opulent live performance I have ever had the privilege to witness. It was LOVE, Cirque du Soleil's celebration of the music and artistic themes of The Beatles. It featured a large cast of acrobats, dancers, mimes and stunt professionals from age eight to age sixty-eight. No expense was spared in props, costumes, lighting, giant-screen video and other live effects. Even the seating was first rate. The cast looked like they were having fun as they danced and pranced with seemingly reckless abandon. And they knew they were great, especially the kids. My eyes were moist during Yesterday and Hey Jude. All of us in the audience were mesmerized. Over the course of the evening we became the lovely audience the cast would love to take home with them.
The sharp contrast to the jewel of Las Vegas’ live performances came the following Saturday. I had to get out of bed early that morning because Chloe’s basketball game began at 9:00 AM and she needed to be there at least twenty minutes early to practice. Cold Hermes rain fell to deliberately remind me I was no longer in the Nevada desert. The basketball game was held in the gymnasium at Hermes Middles School. The roof was leaking above us as we sat on cold concrete indoor bleachers that were constructed with Franklin Roosevelt’s New Deal funding. Amelia and I brought a picnic blanket to put between ourselves and the ice cold concrete.
It was the second game of the season and Chloe was just beginning to remember all I had taught her the previous season. Additionally, she had learned plenty of new skills from the two coaches who were managing this year’s team. Chloe played in the second and third quarter. She handled the ball well, dribbling with focused caution and passing whenever there was either a serious threat or a promising opportunity. But the big moment came in the third quarter. Chloe managed to evade a less experienced defender and positioned herself perhaps five feet to the front and right of the net. Her teammate had the presence of mind to deliver a quick and perfect pass. Chloe caught the ball, took one step forward and shot.
The ball hit the back board and landed onto the rim where it began to orbit the net once, twice and almost a full third time before it finally delivered two points for Chloe. Cheers broke the breath-holding silence. The cold room full of parents was such a lovely audience I wanted to take them home with us as Goo-goo-gajoob repeated inside my head and I watched eight girls run like pigs from a gun to the other side of the court as the referee gave the other team control of the ball. My eyes were moist again as the song in my head reached the words, I’m crying complete with Paul McCartney’s famous Liverpool accent.
I have many vivid memories from the beautiful performance in Las Vegas. But none is as lucid as the pass, the step, the shot, the ball orbiting the net, and finally Chloe’s first score of the season. My ticket to the Las Vegas performance cost my business partner over one hundred fifty dollars. But there was no charge to watch Chloe’s basketball game. Despite the cold concrete, the best things in life really are free.
On my most recent business trip, I was gone for three nights. It was the annual sales conference for my company’s largest business partner, a $500 million software company. The conference was at a large hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. I cannot think of a city that is more different than Hermes.
On the second night of the conference, my manager and I were given second row seats to the most beautiful, creative and opulent live performance I have ever had the privilege to witness. It was LOVE, Cirque du Soleil's celebration of the music and artistic themes of The Beatles. It featured a large cast of acrobats, dancers, mimes and stunt professionals from age eight to age sixty-eight. No expense was spared in props, costumes, lighting, giant-screen video and other live effects. Even the seating was first rate. The cast looked like they were having fun as they danced and pranced with seemingly reckless abandon. And they knew they were great, especially the kids. My eyes were moist during Yesterday and Hey Jude. All of us in the audience were mesmerized. Over the course of the evening we became the lovely audience the cast would love to take home with them.
The sharp contrast to the jewel of Las Vegas’ live performances came the following Saturday. I had to get out of bed early that morning because Chloe’s basketball game began at 9:00 AM and she needed to be there at least twenty minutes early to practice. Cold Hermes rain fell to deliberately remind me I was no longer in the Nevada desert. The basketball game was held in the gymnasium at Hermes Middles School. The roof was leaking above us as we sat on cold concrete indoor bleachers that were constructed with Franklin Roosevelt’s New Deal funding. Amelia and I brought a picnic blanket to put between ourselves and the ice cold concrete.
It was the second game of the season and Chloe was just beginning to remember all I had taught her the previous season. Additionally, she had learned plenty of new skills from the two coaches who were managing this year’s team. Chloe played in the second and third quarter. She handled the ball well, dribbling with focused caution and passing whenever there was either a serious threat or a promising opportunity. But the big moment came in the third quarter. Chloe managed to evade a less experienced defender and positioned herself perhaps five feet to the front and right of the net. Her teammate had the presence of mind to deliver a quick and perfect pass. Chloe caught the ball, took one step forward and shot.
The ball hit the back board and landed onto the rim where it began to orbit the net once, twice and almost a full third time before it finally delivered two points for Chloe. Cheers broke the breath-holding silence. The cold room full of parents was such a lovely audience I wanted to take them home with us as Goo-goo-gajoob repeated inside my head and I watched eight girls run like pigs from a gun to the other side of the court as the referee gave the other team control of the ball. My eyes were moist again as the song in my head reached the words, I’m crying complete with Paul McCartney’s famous Liverpool accent.
I have many vivid memories from the beautiful performance in Las Vegas. But none is as lucid as the pass, the step, the shot, the ball orbiting the net, and finally Chloe’s first score of the season. My ticket to the Las Vegas performance cost my business partner over one hundred fifty dollars. But there was no charge to watch Chloe’s basketball game. Despite the cold concrete, the best things in life really are free.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Bold Moves - Little Result
It would be nice if Philip could speak openly enough with Erica to suggest taking some time to get to know one another better and be prepared for whatever her response. But such things are rare among young adolescents. Instead, they face a tough, highly-charged social environment. If an interested guy succeeds in getting a girl he knows to speak privately, he may only have a short window in which he must boldly ask her out. While girls sometimes ask out guys, they usually do something subtle with the hope of getting a particular guy’s attention. Girls drop cautious hints. The hints always carry a comfortable degree of plausible deniability. If the girl were to be called out on her words or actions, she would have a valid excuse that had nothing to do with her having interest in the guy in question. The guys in turn seek opportunities to test the waters before they plunge forward asking a girl out. There is no more humiliating prospect to a young adolescent guy than asking out a girl and being rejected hands down. Young adolescents add complexity to this awkward dance by taking steps to evoke jealousy. Jealousy is the weapon of choice girls but also guys rely upon if the true interest is not behaving in a way that demonstrates a satisfactory level of interest. The goal is to force the other’s hand into some kind of action that demonstrates interest.
Shortly after Philip had resolved to ask Erica out, he was shocked to learn she had agreed to go to the Winter Formal with another guy, Aidan. Philip knew Aidan reasonably well. Aidan was tall, handsome and athletic. He was also one of the guys who constantly hovered close to Erica. Aidan and Erica were certainly friends. They had known one another for years. And as such, there had been plenty of time and interaction for Aidan to secure Erica as his girlfriend if she were willing. Despite his disappointment, Philip was reasonably certain Aidan was not a true competitor for Erica’s heart. But it didn’t keep Philip from feeling at least a little bit jealous. And perhaps that was Erica’s intention all along. If so, it was a bold move.
At the dance itself, Philip quickly confirmed Erica and Aidan had no developing romance. Erica was dancing with plenty of guys besides Aidan. Philip followed her example and likewise enjoyed dancing with multiple girls. Eventually, he danced with Erica. It was one of those semi-intimate hip-hop dances. Erica accepted. Philip came back and danced with Erica multiple times that evening but tried to be cautious about asking her to dance too often.
The final song of the evening was a dreamy slow dance. Philip had planned to skip this dance but then he saw Erica alone halfway through the final song. Where was Aidan? If you were my date for this dance Erica, Philip thought, I would not be missing in action during the final song of the evening. And then Philip made a bold move of his own and asked Erica to dance. It echoed back to the very first school dance of the year, during which the two had shared a dreamy extended embrace on the dance floor during the final song of the evening. But this was different. Even if Aidan was nowhere in sight, Erica had still agreed to be Aidan’s date. Everyone would see Erica dancing with someone other than Aidan during the final song. Erica stared back at Philip and answered slowly, “Uhhhhmm … I have … a date.” She smiled awkwardly and then walked away, presumably in search of Aidan. Philip turned around as well and found himself facing a cute, outgoing sophomore girl he had met in line heading into the dance. He asked the girl to dance and the two shared what was left of the final song of the evening. Perhaps Erica was bothered. Philip first underscored the fact that her date was absent at the end of the evening and then bounced back quickly and easily by slow dancing with another girl.
The day after the formal dance, Philip discovered Erica had unfriended him on Facebook. It was another bold move. Was it a prank Erica’s sister had played? If not, what was Erica doing? She could have been angry with Philip. Or she could have done it in a moment of jealousy. Or she could have done it to see how and how quickly Philip would respond. Either way, the gauntlet had been cast. Philip let Monday pass. But on Tuesday Philip made the bold move. He spoke to Erica about the matter, and she feigned ignorance. Erica wasn’t angry. And Philip had let her know he’d seen it only shortly after it had happened. The secret message she delivered was returned. Despite all the boldness, little was accomplished. And maybe that is the problem with making bold moves in high school.
Shortly after Philip had resolved to ask Erica out, he was shocked to learn she had agreed to go to the Winter Formal with another guy, Aidan. Philip knew Aidan reasonably well. Aidan was tall, handsome and athletic. He was also one of the guys who constantly hovered close to Erica. Aidan and Erica were certainly friends. They had known one another for years. And as such, there had been plenty of time and interaction for Aidan to secure Erica as his girlfriend if she were willing. Despite his disappointment, Philip was reasonably certain Aidan was not a true competitor for Erica’s heart. But it didn’t keep Philip from feeling at least a little bit jealous. And perhaps that was Erica’s intention all along. If so, it was a bold move.
At the dance itself, Philip quickly confirmed Erica and Aidan had no developing romance. Erica was dancing with plenty of guys besides Aidan. Philip followed her example and likewise enjoyed dancing with multiple girls. Eventually, he danced with Erica. It was one of those semi-intimate hip-hop dances. Erica accepted. Philip came back and danced with Erica multiple times that evening but tried to be cautious about asking her to dance too often.
The final song of the evening was a dreamy slow dance. Philip had planned to skip this dance but then he saw Erica alone halfway through the final song. Where was Aidan? If you were my date for this dance Erica, Philip thought, I would not be missing in action during the final song of the evening. And then Philip made a bold move of his own and asked Erica to dance. It echoed back to the very first school dance of the year, during which the two had shared a dreamy extended embrace on the dance floor during the final song of the evening. But this was different. Even if Aidan was nowhere in sight, Erica had still agreed to be Aidan’s date. Everyone would see Erica dancing with someone other than Aidan during the final song. Erica stared back at Philip and answered slowly, “Uhhhhmm … I have … a date.” She smiled awkwardly and then walked away, presumably in search of Aidan. Philip turned around as well and found himself facing a cute, outgoing sophomore girl he had met in line heading into the dance. He asked the girl to dance and the two shared what was left of the final song of the evening. Perhaps Erica was bothered. Philip first underscored the fact that her date was absent at the end of the evening and then bounced back quickly and easily by slow dancing with another girl.
The day after the formal dance, Philip discovered Erica had unfriended him on Facebook. It was another bold move. Was it a prank Erica’s sister had played? If not, what was Erica doing? She could have been angry with Philip. Or she could have done it in a moment of jealousy. Or she could have done it to see how and how quickly Philip would respond. Either way, the gauntlet had been cast. Philip let Monday pass. But on Tuesday Philip made the bold move. He spoke to Erica about the matter, and she feigned ignorance. Erica wasn’t angry. And Philip had let her know he’d seen it only shortly after it had happened. The secret message she delivered was returned. Despite all the boldness, little was accomplished. And maybe that is the problem with making bold moves in high school.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
A Vacation from School Work, Peek-a-Boo and Other Teen Drama
Winter break from public school descended onto Hermes one week before Christmas. Philip and Chloe have been enjoying two whole weeks plus one additional Friday off. For Philip, it has not just been about vacationing from school work. He has also been vacationing from all the teen drama he has been experiencing at Hermes High School.
And the drama was certainly high leading up to the winter break. For Philip, the drama mostly came from Erica, the extremely popular girl. She had begun behaving differently toward him. He was catching more looks. Chloe and I even witnessed some of those looks. On Wednesday, eight days before winter break, I picked up Chloe when her school let out and then headed over to Hermes High School to pick up Philip. With Philip in the front seat and Chloe in the back seat, we were inching our way out of the Hermes High School parking lot behind a long caravan of parents and teen drivers when Philip leaned toward me and said, “That’s her.”
“What do you mean ‘her’,” I asked.
“That’s ‘her’ right in front of us,” Philip answered. At first all I saw was a guy driving a truck in front of us. But then I could see movement in the passenger seat. A girl was slouching down as if hiding from us. And then she turned around, raised her head and took a quick look at us before dropping down quickly like a puppet in a child’s television show—exit stage down. This repeated several times and started to become comical. Philip waved and then she ducked. The next time both Philip and I waved before she retreated below the head rest. Chloe started giggling. And it was hard not to be cracking a smile. It was like Erica was playing a game of Peek-a-Boo with Philip. The driver (perhaps her older brother) turned to the right and spoke to her and then turned all the way to the left to look back at us. Her face appeared again between the two seats and then quickly retreated. At the end of the driveway we were both signaling to turn right. I decided to give Erica some relief by allowing an oncoming car to take a left turn to put an extra car between us and the truck.
The following day, Erica approached Philip’s table of guys toward the end of their lunch break. “Hey. Did you hear that Daniel broke up with Layla?” she asked the group, while standing closer to Philip than anyone else.
“No. That’s really sad though,” Philip answered.
Unexpectedly, one of Philip’s friends piped up, “Hey Erica. I’ve got a question for you. Are you friends with Philip?”
There was a long awkward silence before Erica answered slowly and cautiously, “… eeehhh … yyyeeeaaahhh …” And Philip quickly said yes in agreement to ease the tension.
“That makes sense,” the guy recovered. “You’re both friends with like everybody.” After that, Erica made a quick exit. But it was this final act of flirtation that catalyzed Philip’s resolve to ask out Erica.
But it may also have been what catalyzed Erica to either lose interest in Philip or at least become more cautious with him. During the time that was left of school before the winter break, Philip either couldn’t find Erica or couldn’t get her to slow down long enough for him to get to his asking-out words. Finally, on the following Wednesday, Philip learned that Erica had agreed to go to the winter formal on an as-friends basis with another guy. With that revelation, Philip decided to wait until after the winter formal to resume his pursuit of Erica.
That Friday morning, the first day of winter break, Philip slept until noon. He spent most of the afternoon in his pajamas. When I asked if he had any plans to get together with his friends, he said he wanted to just rest for a few days. And the pattern continued. His video game playing temporarily returned to eighth grade levels. Christmas Eve arrived and when Amelia asked Philip if he wanted a shower before we went out as a family, he informed us he had not showered in a week.
I must confess I am a small bit concerned by how recluse Philip has been for almost two weeks. Other than errands and family outings, Philip has stayed at home during the entire winter break. Most days, he does not even change out of his pajamas. No friends have visited or received a visit from Philip. He may have chatted with a few via instant messaging. But there have been no phone calls. He doesn’t seem depressed. He laughs and seems to be genuinely enjoying his time with the family. Still … this isn’t how Philip usually acts.
Tonight, New Years Eve, we are going to a dance sponsored by the same group that sponsored the dances Philip enjoyed while he was attending Oak Hills Charter School. There will be plenty of pretty girls, but none from Hermes High School. My hope is Philip will ease back into his usual outgoing self while still enjoying what remains of his break from the drama of Hermes High School, especially the games of Peek-a-Boo.
And the drama was certainly high leading up to the winter break. For Philip, the drama mostly came from Erica, the extremely popular girl. She had begun behaving differently toward him. He was catching more looks. Chloe and I even witnessed some of those looks. On Wednesday, eight days before winter break, I picked up Chloe when her school let out and then headed over to Hermes High School to pick up Philip. With Philip in the front seat and Chloe in the back seat, we were inching our way out of the Hermes High School parking lot behind a long caravan of parents and teen drivers when Philip leaned toward me and said, “That’s her.”
“What do you mean ‘her’,” I asked.
“That’s ‘her’ right in front of us,” Philip answered. At first all I saw was a guy driving a truck in front of us. But then I could see movement in the passenger seat. A girl was slouching down as if hiding from us. And then she turned around, raised her head and took a quick look at us before dropping down quickly like a puppet in a child’s television show—exit stage down. This repeated several times and started to become comical. Philip waved and then she ducked. The next time both Philip and I waved before she retreated below the head rest. Chloe started giggling. And it was hard not to be cracking a smile. It was like Erica was playing a game of Peek-a-Boo with Philip. The driver (perhaps her older brother) turned to the right and spoke to her and then turned all the way to the left to look back at us. Her face appeared again between the two seats and then quickly retreated. At the end of the driveway we were both signaling to turn right. I decided to give Erica some relief by allowing an oncoming car to take a left turn to put an extra car between us and the truck.
The following day, Erica approached Philip’s table of guys toward the end of their lunch break. “Hey. Did you hear that Daniel broke up with Layla?” she asked the group, while standing closer to Philip than anyone else.
“No. That’s really sad though,” Philip answered.
Unexpectedly, one of Philip’s friends piped up, “Hey Erica. I’ve got a question for you. Are you friends with Philip?”
There was a long awkward silence before Erica answered slowly and cautiously, “… eeehhh … yyyeeeaaahhh …” And Philip quickly said yes in agreement to ease the tension.
“That makes sense,” the guy recovered. “You’re both friends with like everybody.” After that, Erica made a quick exit. But it was this final act of flirtation that catalyzed Philip’s resolve to ask out Erica.
But it may also have been what catalyzed Erica to either lose interest in Philip or at least become more cautious with him. During the time that was left of school before the winter break, Philip either couldn’t find Erica or couldn’t get her to slow down long enough for him to get to his asking-out words. Finally, on the following Wednesday, Philip learned that Erica had agreed to go to the winter formal on an as-friends basis with another guy. With that revelation, Philip decided to wait until after the winter formal to resume his pursuit of Erica.
That Friday morning, the first day of winter break, Philip slept until noon. He spent most of the afternoon in his pajamas. When I asked if he had any plans to get together with his friends, he said he wanted to just rest for a few days. And the pattern continued. His video game playing temporarily returned to eighth grade levels. Christmas Eve arrived and when Amelia asked Philip if he wanted a shower before we went out as a family, he informed us he had not showered in a week.
I must confess I am a small bit concerned by how recluse Philip has been for almost two weeks. Other than errands and family outings, Philip has stayed at home during the entire winter break. Most days, he does not even change out of his pajamas. No friends have visited or received a visit from Philip. He may have chatted with a few via instant messaging. But there have been no phone calls. He doesn’t seem depressed. He laughs and seems to be genuinely enjoying his time with the family. Still … this isn’t how Philip usually acts.
Tonight, New Years Eve, we are going to a dance sponsored by the same group that sponsored the dances Philip enjoyed while he was attending Oak Hills Charter School. There will be plenty of pretty girls, but none from Hermes High School. My hope is Philip will ease back into his usual outgoing self while still enjoying what remains of his break from the drama of Hermes High School, especially the games of Peek-a-Boo.
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