The Secret to High School Happiness

I think I may have stumbled upon the best kept secret to happiness in high school. Some would say it is good looks and charisma plus athletic and academic prowess. These certainly help. But most teenagers are lucky to possess even one or two of these qualities. It is the rare prodigy who commands the whole package. Yet somehow, there are teenagers who lack these qualities yet love high school. And likewise, there are many deeply gifted teenagers who hate high school. Philip’s enjoyment of high school has gone up dramatically in the past few weeks and I think I understand why this happened.

Last November, we traveled to Oxford Hills for a lacrosse scrimmage under the lights. In that venue, I discovered just how much fun it is to watch youth sporting events played at night under the lights. So when just a few weeks back Philip wanted to go to Hermes High School’s first Friday night football game, I was very happy to drive him to Loma Prieta as well as stick around to watch the game.

Loma Prieta High School had two sets of bleachers on the guest team side of the field. The left bleachers were occupied primarily by teenagers and the right bleachers were occupied primarily by adults. We arrived in the fourth quarter of the JV game. I walked over to the right bleachers, searched unsuccessfully for Raul’s father and then sat down. Right behind me was a woman I had never met and her teenage daughter. The woman was as gregarious as her daughter was shy. I introduced myself as Philip’s father. The shy girl was a new student at Hermes High School in Philip’s class. The two had just moved from out of State over the summer. But being new didn’t stop the mother from shouting above all the other adults to give each of the eleven Hermes players on the field instructions on what to do.

As the Varsity game began, I could see Philip and about five other Hermes sophomores had moved down from the bleachers to stand as close to the action as a three foot metal fence would allow them. Sophomores on the Varsity and JV Cheer squads approached the group from the field side of the fence to chit-chat before the JV girls exited the field area and the Varsity girls assembled for their game performance. As the Hermes Hawks returned the ball twenty-three yards from the Loma Prieta Lions kick-off, I saw the Hermes team mascot Nestor Hawk approach Philip and the other sophomores. The game quickly retook my attention and by the time I looked back at the sophomores, Philip and Nestor Hawk had disappeared. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw Nestor Hawk reappear with a different pair of sneakers plus thinner, whiter legs. “Is that Philip in the mascot costume?” I asked out loud.

The shy girl behind me let out a laugh and answered. “That is definitely Philip!” For the rest of that evening’s game, Philip danced, flapped his wings, mimicked the cheerleaders’ movements and ran with the flag-bearing spirit squad. At times, the crowd was paying more attention to Philip’s Nestor Hawk antics than they were to the game.

During the ride home, Philip expressed how much he enjoyed being the mascot and how much his antics were appreciated. He had already been invited to appear as the mascot again Thursday evening at the Girls Varsity Volleyball game against Conquistador High School. That role got him invited to a special celebration party hosted by one of the Varsity Volleyball players. As the Fall season has progressed, Philip has continued to exercise his showmanship as Nestor Hawk. He was also invited to perform as a nerd during a group dance routine at the homecoming rally. At home his mobile phone is alive with calls and texts from people asking him to be at various events.

As I have had time to reflect on these new developments, I believe I have quietly discovered the secret to high school happiness. High school happiness is a function of getting involved with the school beyond academics and even athletics. The other students who participate in the spirit squad, group dance routines and other school-related activities and fund-raising efforts also seem extremely happy and satisfied with high school. I do not know why athletics and academics alone are not enough, but clearly something happens when one moves beyond the standard pursuits. And for now, Philip has found his own happiness in such non-standard pursuits like being Nestor Hawk.

A Friend from Another Generation

I had not spoken with Raul in over a year. But suddenly he was standing next to me saying, “Hey Coach.”

Raul was Philip’s first friend in Hermes. In 2002, before moving from San Geraldo to Hermes, we signed up Philip for Little League Baseball in Hermes. We figured Philip would meet a bunch of kids on the team, and that one of them would almost certainly be in the same first grade class on Philip’s first day at a new school more than half way through the school year. When Philip started at his new elementary school in Hermes, he found Raul there waving him into the same class. The two shared a great season of Little League. For second grade and third grade, I coached the soccer teams on which Philip and Raul played together. To the degree that an adult and a child from different families can be friends, Raul and I have been friends for many years now.

This Fall, Philip has been practicing lacrosse twice a week at Hermes with the other players who are not presently absorbed by football. The off-season lacrosse players have a small patch of fenced-in artificial turf for two hours on Mondays and Wednesdays while the Freshman, JV and Varsity football teams dominate the wide open athletic fields on the Hermes High School campus for the entire week. I arrived on campus from my now fifty minute commute home about fifteen minutes before the lacrosse coach ended practice.

To keep the locker room from being over-crowded, the football coaches release the teams in reverse order of seniority half an hour apart. Raul has been playing on the JV squad this year. While the rest of the sophomore and junior players on the JV team walked by the artificial turf without even slowing to watch, Raul took the opportunity to catch up with me. Like Philip, Raul is lean and now taller than me. I asked him about football and told him I intended to see at least part of the upcoming JV game. He asked about Philip’s lacrosse team and for help identifying Philip from behind the helmets and light body armor. When I asked him how his younger sister was adjusting to high school, he sounded like his father. “She’s adjusting well. If anything, she’s adjusting a little too well in my opinion.” The conversation lasted a little over five minutes.

Like Philip, Raul looked ever so close to adulthood. Our conversation was not far from what would be said between two adults watching the scrimmage at the end of a high school lacrosse practice. I was proud of the boy I had coached and had under my home on multiple occasions. And I was proud of the young man he was today. Raul was healthy and confident. And he was completely comfortable engaging an adult as an equal.

Among Philip’s peers, some have always stood out as special to me. Many of these were ones I had coached along the way. Raul has always been one of the special ones. Coaches, family friends, teachers and others who work with youth in extracurricular activities get to play a minor role in a child’s upbringing for a brief window of life. There is a special satisfaction at the time. There is a special satisfaction that endures. And that enduring satisfaction comes to the surface whenever I get to speak with a kid I had once coached. For the special ones like Raul, the feeling of satisfaction is particularly enjoyable.

The last of the JV players walked just after I told Raul I was planning to catch at least part of his game. He smiled and said, “That would be great.” He then seemed to notice he was going to be the last into the locker room. “I should go get changed so I my dad doesn’t have to wait.” He turned and disappeared into the small current of JV football practice jerseys. And I couldn’t help smiling as I turned my attention back to the lacrosse scrimmage.

Some day Raul will be a full adult. If he and I still live in Hermes ten years from now, I suspect Raul and I will still be friends, and we will enjoy the kind of friendships older adults share with younger adults who are not from the same family.

Friends off Campus

Some friendships are temporal and some friendships are lasting. Most friendships are born out of shared experiences and values. In my experience, temporal friendships are sustained mainly by proximity. Lasting friendships are sustained by something deeper. For a tween or even a teen navigating the world of friendships, it is not always clear which friendships at school are lasting and which are temporal, but the ones off campus are almost always lasting friendships. Either way, the friendships off campus carry an important benefit.

Growing up, one finds value in friends to be more than just the state of having playmates. The best friends are those one can trust. But during a four to six year window that includes all or nearly all of middle school, the gap between the need for a trustworthy friend and a friend’s ability to be trustworthy is significant.

One wants to share private things with a friend who will keep one’s secret. But the temptation to expose another’s secrets normally exceeds the depth of a tween or early teen’s resolve to keep a confidence. As a result, friends off campus are safer, more reliable and more trustworthy merely as a function of their lack of proximity.

For this reason, Amelia and I have actively encouraged Philip and Chloe to develop friendships off campus. Within weeks of moving to Hermes back when Philip was in the first grade, Philip and Chloe had both formed friendships with the Rivera family. Joshua Rivera is one Philip’s best friends. Debbie Rivera has gotten close to both Philip and Chloe. And Abby Rivera is also one of Chloe’s friends. Over a longer period of time, Jack Rivera, their father, has come to be my best friend while Chelsea Rivera, their mom, has become one of Amelia’s best friends. With the exception of the two years Philip attended Oak Hills Charter School, Philip and Chloe have never gone to the same school with the Rivera’s.

Philip has fully grasped the idea that Joshua is the friend to whom the most private confidences can be revealed. Whenever we go to the Rivera house, Philip and Joshua go behind the house to where the two can lift weights and chat. Girls and parents are forbidden from joining them and they work hard to maintain their privacy by insisting that any interruption be important.

Chloe’s best friend off campus is Savannah. Samantha was the one who invited Chloe to participate in the play last summer. Over the course of the summer, Savannah introduced Chloe to her friend Holly. Holly also does not go to Chloe’s school. Lately, Chloe and Holly have been getting together and most of what they do is talk. During a recent lacrosse event in which Philip got to play with Division II college lacrosse players under the lights at Cabrillo High School, Chloe invited Holly to come along. During the two hour event, the two girls spent nearly the entire time walking around the track together while Amelia, Holly’s father and I were up in the bleachers watching the event.

Having friends off campus is something Amelia and I have encouraged and cultivated for Philip and Chloe. Now that they have reached the difficult years, the effort seems to be paying off. Each has friends with whom secrets can be shared and be kept safe. And no matter what happens on campus, there will always be supportive friends for them off campus.

Sustaining the Connection

For me, my sophomore year in high school was the turning point. Suddenly, I could feel adulthood looming on the horizon. Now nearly thirty years later, Philip is a sophomore in high school and I suddenly sense the ticking calendar. He loves me. But he needs me less than he has ever needed me. At the same time, he craves autonomy more than ever before. At unexpected times, Philip wants to fully engage. Most of the time, however, he prefers to be alone in his room with just the computer and his own musings to keep him company. But there are two exceptions to his unpredictable willingness to interact.

The first exception is the television. Philip’s tastes range from action and science fiction to documentaries. During the school year, our family rule is that the television goes off at 4:30pm on weekday school nights. That leaves only the weekend for me to share watching television with Philip. We have found a number of television shows available on DVD to watch over time. On many weekend nights, it is the last thing Philip and I do before we each head off to bed. But occasionally I get lucky. At the end of a show, when his mother and sister have often gone to bed, Philip will sometimes leverage these private times to talk to me about what is on his mind.
The other exception is sports and exercise. Philip is very willing to include me when I can help. In this new school year, it has meant signing him up for off-season indoor lacrosse in San Geraldo and regularly serving as the driver for him and other players from the area playing on his team

Philip’s intense interest in exercise went to an even higher level some time in the summer. We had expected him to sleep as late as possible each morning. But instead Philip set his alarm to go off before the first signs of light. He began doing push-ups and various abdominal exercises. Philip’s morning exercise routine has given me the opportunity to take him on multiple shopping trips to the local sporting goods stores. We’ve purchased athletic shoes, dumbbells and ankle weights. Now, half an hour before my own alarm is scheduled to play a local radio station, I hear the siren of Philip’s alarm clock. It is followed by the sound of him climbing out of his bunk bed and then either the stomp of his lunges or the clink of his dumbbells.

On an outing to the grocery store, I took Philip alone and encouraged him to browse the men's magazines. He took no interest in the publications that focused on body-building, gaming, cars or fashion. But the more broad-based publication, Men's Health, appealed to him, so I added the five dollar newsstand price to that day's grocery bill. After Philip devoured the August issue, I invested around twenty dollars to get him an annual subscription. Now every so often, he emerges from his room to show me a new exercise he read about and wanted to try.

For a while, all of Philip's dawn exercises were a private affair. But he wanted to start running. I volunteered to manage his stopwatch while he worked to improve his time on a neighborhood run of roughly seven hundred meters. Now when I hear the alarm go off, I get out of bed myself. I throw on shorts, a tank top and a sweatshirt. I knock on his door and tell him to get me when he is ready to run. Five to twenty-five minutes go by while I cat nap. If my own alarm goes off, I know Philip won't be running. But normally he chooses to run. I leap up and join him downstairs. We lace our athletic shoes together and head outside. Philip may stretch or do some quick warm-ups, but he is normally ready to go almost immediately.

With Philip at the edge of our driveway, leaning forward ready to launch into a sprint, I speak a crisp "Ready … set … go!" He disappears into the darkness down the street. I turn the opposite direction and briskly walk to our meeting point at a nearby intersection. In the quiet of the morning, I never fully lose the sound of his feet slamming into the pavement with a rhythmic beat from somewhere in the neighborhood. Shortly after I arrive at our meeting point, the rhythm starts to get louder. He picks up the pace for the final stretch of his morning run. Soon he passes the finish mark and I tell him how much time elapsed. The sound of Philip's fast, heavy breathing replaces the first rhythm with a new one. Together we enjoy the short walk back to our house.

Over the past few weeks Philip's morning sprint has become a ritual that helps me relish what is left of the time I have with Philip under my roof. But whether it is the rhythm of his running or the rhythm of his breathing, it is still the sound of the ticking calendar to me.

When Teen Life Intersects Adult Life

Teresa has been a good friend to Philip. I first saw Teresa at an off-season lacrosse game under the lights in Oxford Hills during November of Philip’s freshman year. While Amelia and I watched the game, Chloe paired off with Teresa’s younger sister to keep one another company. As it turned out, Teresa had a “new” boyfriend named Steven and he was playing Goalie on Philip’s off-season team. Even though she was there for her boyfriend, Teresa still made sure to spend some of her time after the game chatting with Philip.

His First Summer Internship

Philip did not earn any money this past summer. But he did work. During his Spring Break from Hermes High School, he interviewed for a summer internship with an online advertising agency and was offered the position. As it turned out, the real value for Philip working as the lowest man on the proverbial totem pole was found in the simple day-to-day experience.

It started with his alarm clock going off in the morning and the need to be dressed and out of the house on time to catch the County Bus. His bus trip lasted more than forty-five minutes and included a layover at the County’s central bus station in both the morning and afternoon rides home.

Once at the office, Philip went to his cubicle a few feet away from the office where his boss worked. The cubicle included an office chair and desktop computer with an internet and network printer connection. There was also a phone at the desk, but it was never switched on. The only other item of note was a slightly used cork board. Philip’s primary job was to search the internet for information of interest and provide that information back to his boss or whoever requested the research.

The internet research was pure “intern” grunt work. But Philip’s boss also gave a more long-term and interesting assignment. His boss wanted Philip to create a blog on which Philip could place affiliate advertising. At first Philip had no idea what kind of blog to create. In fact, other than reading this blog, Philip had no absolutely no experience with blogs. As a result, Philip struggled. Unlike school, Philip’s summer internship had no teacher to show him how to do his assignment. But eventually Philip decided to blog on a topic he knew well: PC Games. There were plenty of PC Games out there and new games as well as updates were constantly being churned out. While he didn’t buy or even play many of them, he had access to no shortage of people who could give their opinion and provide Philip insight from their experience. With PC Games as a topic, Philip at least had a plan.

Probably the most interesting thing Philip did over the summer was renegotiate his hours. After four weeks of sitting at his desk from 8:30am to 5:00pm doing only three to five hours of research work, Philip decided that he would like to arrive at 9:30 or 10:00am and leave at 1:30pm unless there was specific work to perform. Philip wanted to visit the beach and enjoy his summer a little more. So after discussing the matter with me and Amelia, Philip brought up the subject with his boss. As one might expect, his boss was already aware that he and his colleagues were only able to hand so much work to Philip, so the new hours worked out for all parties. For half of July and his remaining weeks in August, Philip worked just a half day at the advertising agency.

At the end of August with the new school year close at hand, Philip had rough drafts for two blog posts but had not actually created his blog. At home with Amelia, Philip reviewed the rough drafts with his mother. I as a reasonably experienced blogger worked with Philip on issues like color, font and style. Philip decided on using the Hermes High School colors for his blog and selected a font that worked for him. With Amelia, he decided to keep his posts between five hundred and eight hundred words. On the Wednesday of his final week with the advertising agency, Philip published his first blog post. And on Thursday, he deployed Google’s key-word advertising service onto his blog. And thus, Philip completed his 1most interesting assignment.

Friday August 20th was the final day of Philip’s internship. He wrote his boss a kind good-bye note and provided a link to the newly deployed blog. His boss replied with an equally kind note and an offer to serve as a reference. While the internship was nothing particularly amazing, Philip gained a taste of the working world. As for his blog and future posts, only time will tell if Philip will stick with it, or end the blog after only a small number of posts. This blog, however, will continue with at least three posts per month for the foreseeable future.

Endearing Adolescent Behaviors

Teenagers are no longer children but they are not quite adults. Part boy and part man or part girl and part woman, each is a complex mixture of maturity and immaturity, riding his or her last leg of physical, emotional, social and cognitive development up toward adulthood. Throughout history, the innocence and emerging boldness of young adolescents has been a cultural fascination.

Our culture today is particularly fascinated by teenagers. We find the combination of immaturity and emerging adulthood in a teenager highly endearing. Philip commented on his own feelings toward the immature behavior of teenage girls one day. “Lots of girls I know talk really fast and throw in ‘like’, ‘sooooo’, ‘oh-oh’ and ‘you know’ as filler,” he said. “I just find that really cute.” Moments after Philip made the comment, I remembered having similar feelings when I was his age. I remembered partially mimicking the communication pattern when talking with teenage girls. I would accelerate my own voice and throw in similar filler as punctuation to my half of the conversations. As an adult, I rarely speak with teenage girls, but when I do I now interact with extra deliberateness, extra articulation and less excitement than I would when speaking with an adult or even a teenage guy. I alter my communication behavior with teenage girls this way in order to clearly establish what I believe is an appropriate safe distance of unfamiliarity between adult men and teenage girls. As a result, it had been a very long time since I had witnessed this kind of teenage girl manner of speaking until just the other night.

The other night a group of families had gotten together for a late summer barbeque and many of the teenagers had invited friends along. The result was an unusual social mixture of adults, teens and tweens. Among the teenagers present was Philip’s friend Jocelyn. Jocelyn had recently returned from a month-long summer adventure into the Amazon jungle, and everyone wanted to hear the details of her rather unique experience.

As Jocelyn got more and more comfortable interacting with us as a group, she transitioned into what only could be described as a monologue. She spoke as quickly as she could think and released a stream of consciousness from which her story emerged in bursts and stops, often backing up to add extra detail that had initially been omitted. At least every other sentence contained the kind of filler words Philip described as cute. Jocelyn spent a while describing how her interest in the Amazon jungle first emerged early in the previous school year and then how her interest oscillated between intense interest in the Amazon and intense interest in various other summer pursuits as the school year progressed. Her recount of her oscillating interest culminated some time in April when it was only days before she had to register for the intercontinental adventure. Jocelyn’s long preamble included many references to her interactions with her mother who was clearly both very patient and very supportive throughout her daughter’s on-again-off-again decision process. I found it particularly touching how much Jocelyn chose to include her mother in this part of the retelling of her story.

Eventually Jocelyn transitioned to the trip itself. It included a brief description of the service projects she did in the villages, but she mainly focused on the details of day-to-day life. She first told us that in order to be culturally appropriate, her clothing had to be much more modest than had ever been required of her. Everything from her knees to her collar bone and shoulders needed covering. Then she talked about bugs, spiders and a large cat that pawed through the garbage one night. She ended her story talking about how she wanted to go to Africa next summer with the same teen adventure organization. The whole time Jocelyn spoke rapidly, jumped back and forth between distinct topics and punctuated her words with teen girl filler language. Philip was right. It was really cute.

The evening with Jocelyn was an important reminder to me. Though Philip and Chloe are now both in the second half of their tenure at home, I still have plenty of endearing events, actions and sayings to hear from both of them in the future. The happy memories will keep coming.