Life Reflected

Drivers of Short Term Contention

2012-01-31T22:52:00.000-08:00

Gayle and Chloe have continued their friendship from the previous summer but the two have few close friendships in common. As such, Chloe continues to find herself at odds with Gayle’s more possessive friends like Britney. Recently, a girl named Natalie seemed to be the one wanting to put a wedge between Chloe and Gayle.

At the end of a Wednesday half-day, Chloe wanted to get a smoothie after school and was soliciting friends to see who might go there as well. As the school day ended, Chloe saw Gayle and Natalie headed to the parking lot. “We’ll meet you there,” Natalie said. “My mom is picking us up and taking us there.”

So Chloe walked to the smoothie place. She waited. And she waited. Finally, Chloe called Gayle. Gayle answered and then the phone hung up quickly. Chloe didn’t like the implications so she walked home. At home Chloe sent a text message to Gayle asking what happened. Gayle blamed it on Natalie’s mother but didn’t take any responsibility for not letting Chloe know about her change of plans.

We can only conjecture what happened exactly. Did Gayle hang up on Chloe? Or did Natalie grab Gayle’s phone and cut her off? Or did Natalie’s mother insist on no phone calls? We don’t know. I had a hard time believing Gayle would deliberately betray Chloe but I could likewise see Gayle caving to someone else’s antics. I could also imagine Gayle having too much pride to admit she had wronged Chloe in any way without parental intervention, and Chloe certainly did not want to risk any fallout from getting Gayle’s parents involved in some kind of reconciliation.

At home, Chloe was deeply unhappy about “getting ditched” that day. She openly wondered if she would ever be friends with Gayle after what happened. When a boy told Chloe that he saw Gayle and Natalie getting lunch at the Chinese take-out across the street that same day, Chloe sent another text to Gayle confronting her. But Gayle did not want to lose face and denied anything other than going home with Natalie’s mother.

But it was only a little more than a week later that Gayle and Chloe were talking amicably again. Gayle wanted Chloe to go to an evening event with her on Friday. And from the event, Chloe sent us a text message asking if she could sleep over at Gayle’s house.

In the end, I would conclude Natalie was possessive of Gayle and did not want Chloe interfering. As a tween Gayle has not learned to manage her friends’ treatment of one another. But left on her own, Chloe is Gayle’s choice to bring on a family vacation, a Friday evening event or a weekend sleepover. As long as Chloe can tolerate Gayle’s occasional shortcomings, everything should be fine between them. Eventually, Gayle will outgrow these shortcomings and Chloe will no longer need to worry.

The Weekend Between Semesters

2012-01-31T22:04:00.000-08:00

I think high school is harder for kids now than it was when I was in high school. The big difference is the student-teacher ratio. The teachers care. But when they have that many more students, something has to give. A second factor seems to be competitiveness. There seems to be more work and less forgiveness for mistakes.

As a high school Junior, Philip is now struggling through the Honors program at Hermes High School. Philip is smart, academically-inclined and has high ambitions for college. But top grades do not come to him easily. At home, he likes to be ahead on his studies. Some nights this past semester, I saw him visibly stressed and when I inquired he told me he had done all his homework but really needed to get ahead on his homework so that he would not risk falling behind. The Honors program has additional requirements including more volunteer hours which add to the sense that there is always going to be more to do so one should be ahead rather than on time.

As exams approached, Philip became even more agitated. He wanted to leave a New Year’s Eve party early because he was concerned about getting enough sleep and preparing for the coming exams in early January. It also seemed like there were an unusually large number of small assignments that needed to be completed right before exam week in addition to final tests and papers.

Philip’s stress began to spread to the family. Amelia was checking his grades online and was concerned about some missing assignments and some unusually low grades on others. While the emergence of online tools was meant to help kids manage their assignments, it often seems like they have more trouble keeping track of assignments that are posted in odd places, or at unexpected times. Amelia contacted one teacher who it turned out was happy to have Philip redo many of the missing assignments as well as ones he had not understood and therefore had earned unusually low marks. Clearly, Philip is not the only one with these challenges.

And then exam week arrived. The one nice thing about exam week was that school began an hour later for Philip. Chloe would get dropped off at school first and Philip could either sleep a little later, spend more time at the coffee shop before school or both. He normally elected for both. It proved to be a particularly long week. Philip came home disinclined to talk and he spent most of his time studying.

The weekend after exams proved to be a relief to Philip and by extension his parents. Philip seemed to become his normal self again. His exam grades came back well and he was able to sleep in without feeling guilty afterwards. We started to hear him laugh from within his room watching humorous videos online. And Philip’s sense of relief spread throughout the whole family. And perhaps most fortunately, it continued into the new semester. While I cannot say Philip won’t ratchet up his stress levels once again, especially when year-end exams hit, I do believe he has learned to manage stress better which is going to be an important life skill.

The Impact of an Allowance

2012-01-31T20:12:00.000-08:00

Toward the end of fifth grade, a new girl named Robbie (which is short for Roberta) appeared in Chloe’s class. She quickly became friends with Chloe and Katherine. Over what remained of fifth grade, into summer and then into middle school Chloe and Katherine integrated Robbie into their friendship. One of their favorite shared activities has been watching horror movies. Chloe and I watched Chloe’s first R-Rated movie, The Exorcist over the course of a few evenings during the summer. From there Chloe’s enjoyment of horror movies has continued.

There was a time when I believed Chloe was interested in horror movies because they were some kind of forbidden thing that some parents permitted and most parents did not permit. We let her play the 1980s PG-rated Poltergeist for a fifth grade party and for her sixth grade Halloween party we let her play a PG-13 horror film. But by the time she sat through The Exorcist in its entirety, she clearly liked horror movies for their thrill alone.

It seemed only natural to assume that Robbie and Katherine had likewise graduated from the forbidden activity appeal to the thrill appeal when it came to horror movies, and so Amelia was happy to take the three girls to see an R-Rated horror movie in the theater with their respective parents’ permission.

Robbie and Katherine arrived at our house late that Saturday afternoon. Chloe had tried to get them to come earlier when they could see the half-price matinee so that the cost of the outing would not set her back more than a week’s worth of allowance, but she was not successful. The girls by contrast had money their parents had given them for the outing. At the concession stand, Robbie and Katherine loaded up with candy, popcorn and soda. Chloe selected the small serving of nachos.

As the horror film became more intense on the big screen in front of them, Chloe was mesmerized. But Katherine and Robbie began to loose their nerve. Near the peak of the action, Katherine and Robbie were so frightened that they wanted to leave. Chloe was frightened by the movie too, but she was more frightened that Katherine and Robbie’s desire to leave would prevail.

The difference in attitude perhaps boiled down to economics. Katherine and Robbie had not financed the outing themselves. They did not value the difference in price between the matinee time and the late afternoon. They did not value the cost of their load of movie snacks. In contrast, Chloe’s personal spending operated on a budget and this movie was a big piece of that budget. Chloe wanted to stomach the most frightening part of the horror movie on the big screen in front of her because she had paid for the thrill and it would be a long time before her funds caught up to pay for the next thrill.

As parents, Amelia and I like the effect of the allowance. It means Chloe and Philip make decisions more along the lines of the way we make decisions. We first started the allowance when Philip turned five years old. When he suddenly needed to pay for a visit to McDonalds, his interest in McDonalds dropped in comparison to the video game he was saving up to purchase.

At the end of the movie, all three girls were glad they stayed, but Chloe was still upset that the other two had even considered leaving. At home with Chloe alone, Amelia explained how Robbie and Katherine did not have an allowance and that influenced how much they valued what they purchased. It was one of those moments where Chloe saw clearly that she was being raised differently than other kids. And perhaps Chloe liked herself and her upbringing just a little bit more after getting a chance to see and understand the alternative.

The Unmistakable Signs of Womanhood

2011-12-31T16:18:00.000-08:00

Entering Middle School was one milestone for Chloe but it was quickly followed by another milestone. She had her first period. During the summer prior to middle school, she had started wearing a bra regularly. For Chloe, the migration into adolescence, including having her first boyfriend, all happened within a very short period of time. And fortunately, she is comfortable talking about it with her parents.

One problem was with Physical Education (PE) class. While getting used to sanitary napkins, her PE teacher yelled at her for not running fast enough. While one would think Middle School teachers have figured out the subtle signals young girls exhibit, clearly not all of them have.

Chloe’s friends have various levels of desire and comfort talking about their new experiences as young women. Holly is particularly engaging with Chloe. And it probably helps that the two go to different schools. At one point the two became so absorbed talking with one another that they failed to notice my presence working on my laptop at the other side of the family room. As Chloe and Holly continued their discussion and got more comfortable with one another, their words became progressively more detailed.

“Uh, girls,” I spoke up. They suddenly turned toward me. “Would you like me to go work somewhere else while you two talk?” They didn’t quite know what to say. I tried to answer for them. “That’s probably a good idea, huh?”

“Yeah. That’s probably a good idea,” Holly began and Chloe finished. They continued their conversation in whispers while I packed up and took my work elsewhere.

For Chloe every time she is able to talk about “girl things” for the first time with a friend, it seems to draw them closer.

A few weeks back, Chloe was invited to a sleepover birthday party at Patty’s house. Jasmine was there and so was Stephanie. Chloe and Stephanie had drifted apart over the years. It wasn’t that their friendship had ended. Instead, the two just ended up spending more time with others. Patty was a close friend of each, so Chloe and Stephanie were each one of the four girls sleeping over at Patty’s house that night.

There was a lot of “girl talk” that evening. Patty and a girl named Heather got into a conversation about girls’ chest sizes. Chloe was sitting near them and heard it all. Patty and Heather liked being at the head of the bell curve regarding their own chest sizes. Chloe and Stephanie were average. Jasmine and the remaining girl at party were still undeveloped in that regard, and so they ended up ignoring the first conversation to engage in their own.

It also meant that Chloe and Stephanie got time to talk. And they got to talking more than they had in a very long time. They discovered that each of them not only had her first period but also that they both were dealing with it at the time. It was a special bonding time for Chloe and Stephanie. They complained about doing stretches in PE class and how uncomfortable it is. They talked about boys, but didn’t mention either Lars or Eddie.

At one point Patty called Chloe “flat” and Stephanie was quick to come to Chloe’s defense saying, “No she’s not!” Heather also ended up being particularly difficult to Chloe during the party. Normally the two got a long really well. Chloe felt particularly hurt by some of the things Heather and Patty said and the fact that Chloe was having her period amplified the feelings of hurt and betrayal. The girls struggled with cattiness that evening. Jasmine ended up calling Patty a “douche bag” which upset Patty a little and bothered Chloe even more because she initially thought Jasmine was calling Chloe a “douche bag” as well.

At home we helped Chloe honestly assess what had happened at the party. We were really happy about how she had connected with Stephanie. And we helped her forgive Heather and Patty for the offenses. Patty quickly regretted some of the things she had said to Chloe and took it upon herself to call Chloe to apologize. The friendship proved stronger than the one offense and Patty’s initiative in reconciling meant a lot to Chloe. Jasmine on the other hand was continuing to prove more difficult. Jasmine’s supposed apologies came out as excuses and accusations, complaining that everyone else was cursing and that people shouldn’t be so sensitive.

Middle school is hard enough on its own. Experiencing the unmistakable signs of womanhood for the first time adds to the difficuly of middle school. Some like Chloe, Holly, Patty and Stephanie seem to handle it reasonably well and know how to find support in others. It makes me proud as a parent. I am proud of Chloe’s behavior as well as her choice of friends.

Adolescents and Sleep

2011-12-31T13:45:00.000-08:00

Winter break is a two week affair in the Hermes School system and no doubt many school systems. For Philip and Chloe, winter break has meant they have the long-awaited control over their sleep. Or maybe it is sleep rather than their schedule that finally has control over them. Either way, the opportunity to stay up late and sleep in is almost more welcome than the wrapped gifts they were eyeing during the first week of winter break.

By Tuesday, both Philip and Chloe were waking up after noon. When I finally went to sleep Tuesday night at a time particularly late for me, both Philip and Chloe were in their rooms watching online videos. Neither Amelia nor I saw any reason to make them go to bed. On Wednesday, Philip was still in his room late in the afternoon. When the winter darkness settled in, we joked about pretending it was morning when Philip woke up. Amelia and I each had a story about being a teenager and waking up in the evening after a long sleep and thinking it was morning. Amelia remembers asking her mother to make french toast and her mother doing so without a word. By the time Philip woke up we had agreed not to play any tricks on him. But then he surprised us. “I don’t know what happened. I woke up at five forty-five and couldn’t get back to sleep.” It took us a while to realize he thought it was morning. And he was genuinely surprised when we explained that it was evening.

Whether it is an effect similar to winter hibernation or something to do with growing, sleep seems to be particularly important to adolescents. Amelia and I feel we should respect their need for sleep. Although they are both past the age of needing bedtimes, we find ourselves encouraging them to sleep, especially when they need to wake up early the next day.

Their sleeping habits tend to rub off on the family. On Friday nights we tend to stay up later with them and then the weekend or holiday takes its course with sleeping in when we do not have any morning obligations. There is something fun about staying up late. We watch movies or television together. Sometimes one of them will go to a friend’s house to stay overnight and we will do something special with the other one. With Philip, we played a complex family board game he likes when Chloe spent the night at Gayle’s house. (And yes, he beat us!) On another night, Chloe got to watch a horror movie with Amelia when Philip was over at Joshua’s house.

If something is going to disrupt our ability to take action during weekends and holidays, then I would certainly pick the kids’ need for sleep as the primary disruptor. But for us it really has not been a disruptor. Amelia and I use it to get things done in the morning and tend to plan family activities for the afternoon.

Two weeks ago, our family activity was Kiwi-picking. There’s a farm about forty-five minutes away. We have an annual ritual to pick Kiwis. We bring home as much as fifty pounds. Our favorite family photo shows Philip at age ten and Chloe at age six at the farm near the kiwi bushes. We had it printed onto canvas and it hangs proudly on our dining room wall. This past weekend, Chloe woke up around eleven-thirty. We woke up Philip around one-fifteen and ultimately left the house at twenty minutes past two. When we arrived at the farm it was less than an hour before the four o’clock close. But the kids were experienced. And the long sleep meant they were both in a great mood. Thirty-five minutes later we had almost forty pounds of kiwis loaded in the back of our vehicle and we were heading home victorious. Chloe and Philip were relaxed and there was a sense of unhurriedness that was particularly refreshing.

Within reason, we can work around the kids sleep needs and habits. When Christmas morning came it was nice having the adults be the first ones to wake up. That didn’t stop Chloe from waking up at the first sound of her parents. It also didn’t stop Philip from intentionally getting to bed early the night before in anticipation of the upcoming gift-opening. With Amelia and I respecting the kids’ need for sleep, the kids are now free to manage themselves and seem to have it well under control.

When the Power Goes Out

2011-12-31T11:52:00.000-08:00

Growing up decades ago, power outages were normal occurrences. They typically happened three to five times every year. My mother had candles to light. And she had a special cooking set for power outages. The old furnace would continue to operate as long as the pilot light remained lit. Power outages were a part of my childhood. They were something that would happen during a storm. In the darkness and absence television, radio or any kind of lighting other than candes and battery-powered flashlights, my mother and I would listen to the wind howl and patiently wait until the power returned. What was always funny was that the telephone had a separate power supply, and I do not think we ever lost telephone service. During the power outages, we could call my grandmother and grandfather across town. We would ask them if they had lost their power or not and what they thought of the weather.

Today in Hermes, our family hardly ever experiences power outages. Those that happen tend to be brief. But just a few weeks back, a heavy wind storm denied our home power for over twelve hours. It was a unique experience. The furnace went out with the power and so the house slowly cooled down. The phones no longer worked because they had lost their power. Our mobile phones had whatever charge was remaining but we generally refrained from using them in case there was an emergency need to use the phone.

Philip and Chloe were not used to existing without power. There was no television. And even though the computers' batteries were reasonably well charged, they had no internet connection. Amelia and the kids ate dinner at the house of family friends house who lived in a remote part of Conquistador that somehow still had power. I ate dinner at my office before heading home.

The result was that we all arrived back at home around eight o’clock in the evening. The house and the neighborhood were completely dark. Even the street lamps were dark. The moon was behind a cloud but there was a section of sky we could see from the family room that was completely clear and the stars looked particularly bright with the absence of any town light reflecting back from the sky. The house temperature had dropped about ten degrees below our normal thermostat setting. It was chilly, but bundling ourselves in blankets was all we really needed.

Eight o’clock was too early to simply go to bed. Philip was glad he was up-to-date on his homework, but he liked to be ahead one or two days and the power outage initially made him anxious about his studies. We ended up sitting in the family room together. The exception was Philip. He chose to stand. We had as many candles as we could lit in the family room and we could see one another's dim faces.

In a quite natural manner, we began to talk in a way we hadn't in a long time. All four of us were speaking and interacting on the same topic at any given time. The driver was Philip. It became one of those times when Philip was particularly willing to be open and transparent. He was willing to indulge our curiosities. He talked about his life at Hermes High School. He answered Chloe's questions that she had asked often, but never had gotten a solid answer. He told us about his classes and about life as the lone guy on the cheer squad. Chloe asked Philip about the social dynamic at the High School. She asked questions about how popular kids acted and what they did differently. She wanted to know to what degree things she had seen about High School in movies was accurate. Philip gave Chloe thoughtful answers that explained how what she had seen in movies were partially true. He explained what was realistic, what was a stretch, what was a common misunderstanding and what was pure fiction.

The conversation lasted over two hours. In the end we felt more connected. It wasn't just that Philip opened up to us. It was also a sense on Philip's part that we weren't pestering him for information or judging him in any way. While Philip talked a lot, the conversation really was a four way interaction. Chloe shared about things that happened at Hermes Middle School and solicitted feedback from all of us. Amelia and I talked about what we expienced during our Middle School and High School years. As a group we shared our opinions on what was the same and what was different between the generations.

All of us were so satisfied with the power outage, we decided to fake a power outage every so often. Two weekends later we turned out most of the lights, lit candles and for the last hour before bed, the four of us talked. It wasn't exactly the same. In some ways it was better. We had microwaved popcorn and the blankets were optional since the heat was running. The fact was, we had caught up significantly during the actual power outage. This pretend power outage was more of a check-in. And I think that is all we need as a family. We just need one night every so often together with no television, phone or computers. Candle lighting adds ambiance but is not required.

Talk or Leave Them Alone?

2011-11-30T21:58:00.000-08:00

Adolescence is the time for kids to develop their independence. It is messy. In the ideal world parents would correctly identify how their adolescents should be independent over time, grant them that independence and be done with it. Usually the adolescents have other ideas.

With Philip, the first five minutes of my morning drive to work includes taking him to the coffee shop that is walking distance from Hermes High School. With nothing else to do but sit and drive, it is my ideal time to ask Philip about what is going on in his life. My wife and I chat in the car and it is time well spent as long as it is not the kind of sensitive which demands we speak be eye-to-eye. But Philip does not want to talk in the car. He never wants to talk in the morning. And he rarely wants to talk when one or both of his parents want to talk. He is more inclined these days to talk to his mother than to me, and with either of us Phillip is nearly always the initiator. And even if I have something important to discuss and try to time it well, Philip is usually annoyed. Nonetheless, I generally yield to Philip’s preferences because I want to give him that independence he both wants and needs.

With Chloe, this trend is just beginning. She has not quite earned the level of independence her brother has earned. But we want to respect her wishes when we can. When Chloe wants to speak with just one parent, I am usually her preference. Amelia gets Philip and I get Chloe. I’m not sure why but that is how it has worked out itself. Each is a challenge to navigate but in very different ways.

The other morning, I greeted Chloe with the kind of enthusiasm she usually appreciates. But she turned her head away from me and went up to her room. I asked Amelia what was wrong. “I promised her I wouldn’t tell you other than to say it was nothing you did.”

It didn’t feel right. I had intended to leave for work rather soon but this seemed important. Chloe was upstairs in her room lying in her bed. She had the day off from school, but I had not taken the day off from work. It was fifteen minutes before I had planned to leave. Chloe wouldn’t look at me. I asked her if she would tell me what was bothering her. Without turning her head in my direction, she answered, “No.”

I made the decision to stay and talk to Chloe, despite her resistance. I didn’t push for her to reveal her secret right away. I spent quite a bit of time reaffirming my love for her. She eventually told me she didn’t want to tell me what was bothering her because she thought I would think less of her. I had no idea what could possibly cause that or could possibly cause it in her mind. But at least she had given me a hint.

I looked at my watch. It was now five minutes from when I had intended to leave. Chloe was suffering. And she was going to suffer all day until she mustered the courage to tell me what was bothering her and I could genuinely affirm her. I stayed with her and continued to affirm my love for her. I remembered being just a little bit older than she was now and not wanting to tell my mother about something I did. I told Chloe the whole story. And I told her how I suffered for a long time less because of what I did and more because the secret was a wedge between me and my mother. By the time I was done, I was past the point when I should have left the house already. Chloe’s response was, “That was nothing compared to what I did.”

I expected I wouldn’t agree, but I was in no position to argue. Meanwhile, Chloe had made one step closer. I continued to affirm my love. Amelia walked in and we both reasserted that Amelia had not told me anything except that it was nothing I had done. Together Amelia and I affirmed Chloe in my love for her and encouraged her to end her suffering by telling me. And finally, Chloe did.

I remembered the event. I remembered asking Chloe about something I was pretty sure she had done, and her denying having anything to do with it. My goal at the time was more about controlling Chloe’s future behavior and less about chastising her past behavior. So I let her save face with her denial. At the time, I figured that was the end of it.

But the guilt of lying to her father had been eating away at Chloe for days and eventually brought her to the state she was in. Chloe was surprised to know that I had known she was not telling me the truth when I had confronted her. One could almost see the wave of relief run over Chloe’s face. We spent a few minutes relaxing next to one another on Chloe’s bed. Eventually, I hugged her and headed off to work. As it turned out, the traffic was light.

That day, it was the right decision to insist on talking with Chloe. But the time is not far off when it won’t be right to insist any more, just like it was already not right for Amelia to betray Chloe’s secret to me in this recent situation. As time moves forward, I hope Chloe and Philip have already learned it is safe to confide in their parents.

Tough Girls and Predatory Guys

2011-11-27T19:20:00.000-08:00

When Philip joined the Hermes High School Cheer Squad as the mascot, Nestor Hawk, we had only one real concern. We knew he wasn’t doing it to womanize. But we were concerned there would be people—especially girls on the Cheer Squad—who might think womanizing was Philip’s primary motivation. Months later, Philip has no reputation for womanizing. Nonetheless many of the girls on the Cheer Squad have been womanized by others.

Womanizing is perhaps a dated term in today’s youth hookup culture. It conjures the image of men who have turned love into a sport that keeps score. The role of women in this sport is a question. When it comes to teenagers, to what degree are the girls who get womanized victims versus equal participants? And lastly, what do the parents of the womanized girls know and think?

A few weeks back, Amelia and I gained just a little bit of insight into what these parents—especially the girls’ mothers—thought about their own daughters’ participation in today’s youth hookup culture. To help defray the cost of the Cheer program at Hermes High School, Oleta’s mother had organized a fund-raising event that she and other Cheer parents ran as volunteers. Amelia and I each volunteered to work for a half day. It was mostly mothers. The only other father who volunteered was Oleta’s stepfather—and I don’t think Oleta’s mother had given him a choice. Volunteering became a social venue for the Cheer parents to interact. Some mothers said little to nothing of significance. Others withheld nothing. And still others said things which indirectly revealed a lot—perhaps much more than they realized.

One mother whose son I had coached years ago had a freshman girl on the Junior Varsity Cheer Squad. She arrived early for the second shift and spent fifteen minutes chatting with me until Amelia relieved me. In between her talks with Amelia and with me, this particular mother unloaded possibly everything in her parenting life. She was still unhappy with her marriage and the parenting skills of her son and daughter’s stepfather. Her own parenting skills were also far below par. She had little to no control over her son and daughter. The son in Philip’s class seemed to be managing better than this mother was willing to admit. And the daughter seemed to be the one managing her mother as opposed to the other way around. This particular mother told Amelia that her daughter had gotten stoned on marijuana at least once with some other girls in the early weeks of school. This didn’t stop the mother from financing her daughter’s participation in Cheer. Admittedly, this mother was the odd one in the bunch.

For me, the moment of revelation happened when some mothers asked me about Philip’s participation in the Cheer program. They liked the fact that a guy had joined the group. Some were not aware he had gone to Cheer Camp with the girls over the summer, so I got to tell them he had a private room at the hotel and had been the co-winner of the highest mascot award given out that summer. As they expressed their appreciation for Philip, I commented, “As long as the lone guy on the Cheer Squad is not a womanizer, I figure everyone should be able to feel good about it.”

In response, one mother—whose daughter had been with a lot of different older guys—spoke confidently in response. “I don’t know about that. Our girls are tough.” I don’t know if that expressed what she actually thought about womanizing, or whether it was just the line she had adopted. Either way, what she indirectly told me was that she accepted the fact that her daughter had womanizers in her life. It was an interesting, non-judgmental statement that could be interpreted in a few different ways.

One interpretation would be that the girls know how to protect themselves from womanizers and could handle the behavior of even the most womanizing football players. Another interpretation would be that the girls wouldn’t be hurt by womanizing even if taking part in today’s hookup culture. And still a final interpretation would be that she viewed it as much of a sport for girls as it was for guys. Perhaps this mother even vicariously enjoyed her daughter’s romantic exploits. The first interpretation would be one I would want to apply to my own daughter. But since I knew this woman’s daughter didn’t protect herself from the womanizers, I was left with the subsequent interpretations—neither of which I embrace as a parent—especially as I look ahead to Chloe’s not-too-distant future at Hermes High School.

For a teenage girl, protecting herself from male predators is best accomplished by being a good judge of character, even if that judgment requires parental assistance. An alternative means is to become cold-hearted in some way. As I looked at the handful of Cheerleaders who had joined the parents to volunteer that day, I saw more evidence of cold-heartedness and less evidence of good judgment than I would have wanted.

Not long after the volunteer event, Lars broke up with Chloe. He spoke with her privately and communicated his decision plainly. There were no cruel words on either side. Chloe was upset, but she recovered quickly. The relationship had been tame. Both Lars and Chloe took things slowly and it turned out to have been for both their benefits. I had admired Chloe’s good judgment of character when things began with Lars, but I admired it even more when things ended with Lars. If Chloe keeps this up, I’ll never need to use the word tough to mean cold-hearted.

Cologne for the Prom or Formal

2011-11-27T11:35:00.000-08:00

Few events from high school will be as memorable as the proms and formal dances. If you are a guy, this is your chance to make a great memory for yourself and for your date. You get to dress outside your normal attire in a tuxedo, suit or at least something extra special. Philip for example owns a Black Alfani “Red Label” Jacket that fits his tall, lean body perfectly. He has worn it to banquets and other special events with an un-tucked button-up shirt, tight jeans and leather dress shoes. For the upcoming Winter Formal, Philip will combine his Alfani jacket with some new attire to provide the perfect look.

For prom and other formal dances, well selected cologne is a great way to top off the perfect look. If you wear cologne regularly, this is the time for something different and unique. If you don’t wear cologne, you still need to steer away from what other guys wear commonly. This means you need to steer away from popular colognes like Fierce (Abercrombie & Fitch), Eternity (Calvin Klein) and Aqua Di Gio (Giorgio Armani). Additionally, since this will be a special occasion, there is no reason to purchase a full bottle. There are plenty of colognes that offer sample vials on a card that can be purchased inexpensively online.

Colognes in a sample vial add extra value during proms and formals. You can purchase a subtle scent that might fade quickly, but keep an extra vial in the breast pocket of your jacket to keep yourself scented all evening. The sample vials will also allow you to purchase a handful comfortably before the event and try them out. With online ordering it is easy to find a large choice from a single source. Compare the descriptions of colognes available in a sample vial to the ones you know. Then order as many as you like. Online orders tend to be discounted. You can have a fun time experimenting with the different scents and even get your date involved in the selection process. Alternatively, you can surprise her.

On the day of the actual prom or formal, girls will spend the earlier part of the day getting their hair and nails done and their makeup perfect either at a salon or together at someone’s house. There’s no reason why you cannot treat yourself as well. A fresh haircut may or may not be in order, but a nice clean shave with a straight-edged razor from a barber is an absolute treat. It will feel great and you will look fantastic in any photos taken later.

After your visit to the barber, go home and enjoy a luxurious shower. Once you are ready to dress in your formal attire, make sure you are completely dry. Carefully pour about half a vial into your hand and apply the cologne to your chest. Rub it in with both hands. Then pour the remainder of the vial into your hand again and then rub both hands together. If there is still a small pool of cologne in your hand, apply it gently to your chest. Then apply your cologne-dampened hands to your throat. With your pinky fingers just touching your earlobes, rub the cologne in by bringing your hands together. Then rub your hands along your cheeks. And finally rub whatever cologne remains on your hands into your forearms.

At this point, you should immediately put on your formal shirt to keep the cologne from evaporating too quickly. This should all be timed so that when you are fully dressed, it is right when you want to leave. Be sure to put an extra vial of your cologne into the breast pocket of your jacket. Depending on how quickly the scent fades over the course of the evening, apply small dabs to your throat above the collar of your shirt as needed.

If you are feeling uncertain about what cologne to select, I have one top recommendation. It is Green Irish Tweed (Creed). A 1 oz bottle retails at over one hundred dollars. Even the sample vials are pricey when compared to other colognes. But this scent is well worth it. I’ve read in various places that this cologne was made specifically for actor Cary Grant. Whether that claim is true or not, it does a good job describing the masculine sophistication of this scent which releases a subtle aroma of wood, grass and moss that one might associate with a strong confident man from the beautiful Irish countryside.

As you take your time to select your scent, you may also want to consider the other scents Creed offers in a sample vial. These include Imperial Millesime, Silver Mountain Water, Himalaya, Royal Water and Santal. Other well-respected scents available in a sample vial include Angel (Thierry Mugler), Burberry (Burberry), John Varvatos (John Varvatos) Santos De Cartier (Cartier) and The One (Dolce & Gabbana).

Here’s one final thought. If you select a special scent for your prom or formal, for the rest of your life that scent will bring back the memory of your special evening for both you and your date. It is a small investment that will deliver a high value not only during the evening itself but for years to come.

Related Post: Cologne for a Teenage Guy

We Now Discourage Our Daughter from Joining us for Church

2011-10-31T22:52:00.000-07:00

The non-religious may not be able to relate to this story immediately. But in the end it is not about religion but about good parenting. For those adults who have embraced faith of any kind, it is a something we would like to pass onto our children as a true gift. For non-religious parents, I trust there are many who have embraced a set of values they would likewise want to confer as perhaps the greatest gift they can give to their children.

While faith and values are important to parents, it is an easy leap of poor logic to overly associate faith or values too closely to a particular institution. In response, our family has developed the following core value:

“Healthy Religion is Faith Shared, not Faith Controlled.”

For us it is a subtle but important distinction. At risk of stating the seemingly obvious, there is supposed to be something “sacred” about a religious environment. And yet so many people have been deeply violated in religious environments. I’m not merely speaking about the scandals surrounding prominent religious leaders. I am also talking about the far more common and far more frequent everyday violations. In an environment that is supposed to be about not judging people, people are judged with far more scrutiny than almost anywhere else. In an environment where one is supposed to feel accepted more than anywhere else, people experience extremely vicious levels of rejection. The list of such contradictions could go on for several pages.

With all that said, it is time to focus on Chloe’s experience. We’ve been taking her along with us her entire life. But the other day we witnessed what it has been like for Chloe. The girls close to her age included daughters of friends, as well as these daughter’s friends from elsewhere.

The church youth went to a haunted house together. There were four other girls close to Chloe’s age that night. When the adults learned that kids had to enter the haunted house in groups of four, the girls were told to break up into a group of two and a group of three and to let other girls from the line in to form two groups of four. The four other girls insisted on going in together, requiring Chloe to go in with three strangers. While the adults insisted this was unacceptable, the four girls made every effort to dodge this adult directive to the point where they were going to enter the haunted house without Chloe when their group got to the head of the line.

The other four girls had formed a clique and it became clear to Amelia that the clique was committed to excluding Chloe. It was as if by excluding someone, the girls doing the excluding felt closer to one another. In contrast, Philip is liked and respected by his peers within the same group.

So what do we do? What would you do? As the girls get older, there is only so much control we can exercise and even less we should exercise. We’d like the young girls Chloe’s age to be accepting towards Chloe as well as any girl who might visit our religious environment. And yet there is something right about letting them choose their own group of friends and to put a social boundary around that group. It is normal and healthy. The problem is experiencing such exclusion has no place in a healthy religious experience.

We think this is where many parents go wrong introducing faith to their children. When the religious institution of the parents’ choice is not working for a particular child, the parents double their efforts into making the institution work for the child which only leads to greater dissatisfaction, if not outright violation. So what is the solution? We’ve concluded the solution is not to fix the other girls’ behaviors. Instead it is to encourage Chloe to find “shared faith” in an environment where she also is accepted. Given Chloe’s popularity at Hermes Middle School among multiple groups of girls and boys, we do not think this will be terribly difficult for her. But it will take some work and some parental support. We do not know how it will play out exactly. But for now, we want to discourage our daughter from experiencing faith in an environment where she is not eagerly welcomed and accepted.

The Lone Guy on the Cheer Squad

2011-10-31T19:30:00.000-07:00

The role is satirized in popular movies like Easy A and Fired Up as well as in SNL skits featuring Will Ferrell. One victory of the feminist revolution is the gender integration of school sports. Not only can a girl join the Varsity Football Team, but a guy can join the Varsity Cheer Squad. After one football season as the Hermes High School mascot, Philip was invited to officially join the school’s Cheer Squad so the school could fully integrate Nestor Hawk into the Cheer program.

Two years ago, we would never have possibly guessed Philip would want to join the Cheer Squad. It still seems so unlike him. Normally, he is private and cautious. This seems particularly not-private and not-cautious. But somehow, it has managed to both appeal to him and work for him. Standing over six feet tall but weighing less than one hundred thirty pounds, Philip is unfit for the football team. But the dance moves and gymnastics associated with the Cheer Squad make him uniquely suited as a guy who can add his talents to the group.

So how does a guy join the Cheer Squad and navigate the potential minefield? Not everyone qualifies and not everyone has the aptitude. But maybe it is all summed up in the attitude which is a mix of professionalism and the kind of disinterest only a teenager can effectively manifest. This attitude was perhaps best summed up when Philip told me he was not interested in an event at Charlotte’s house. “Dad, there’s going to be mostly girls and hardly any guys at Charlotte’s house. I’m kinda capped out on time with girls.” As I’ve observed him with the Cheer Squad, Philip always appears quite focused on the task at hand. And although there are plenty of hugs with the cheerleaders before and after game time, Philip never initiates a hug.

The program began in the summer and included a week at Cheer Camp. When he went off to Cheer Camp, he was the one guy on a bus with thirty-six girls. On Facebook he was teased about being in a position that would make many guys envious but he chose to neither delete nor reply to the comment. At the hotel, the girls grouped themselves four to a room, while Philip had a room all himself. Philip spent most of his days in a separate training program with mascots. While the mascot program was coed, it was still mostly girls. It was important to him to focus on the training before he focused on the social activities.

At the same time, it has also important for Philip to bond enough to become part of the team. There was a dress-up banquet one night at Cheer Camp so we made sure Philip had a sharp-looking semi-formal jacket to wear. While the girls were all in high heels and short formal dresses, Philip balanced his jacket with an untucked button-up shirt and jeans. He was just formal enough but he didn’t look like some girl had picked out his clothes either. Philip regularly wears his cheer T-shirt and hoodie, and beneath his Hawk feet, he wears the same dance shoes his girl-peers wear.

We’ve enjoyed watching Philip work his Nestor Hawk magic at sports events and rallies. Small children all want to go up and hug the Hawk and be lifted in the air. A hug line forms quickly between cheer routines, especially at home games. Occasionally, he joins the Cheerleaders for a half-time dance routine which is always a thrill. The Cheer season will continue into the basketball season during which Philip and the Cheerleaders will support both the Boys and Girls basketball teans. We look forward to more interesting performances and to seeing Philip’s role as Nestor Hawk evolve.

We Let Our Daughter Have a Boyfriend

2011-10-23T15:30:00.000-07:00

It has been over five weeks since Lars and Chloe stole away to sit on the bleachers together during a morning break from classes and Lars asked Chloe, “Will you go out with me?”

Their private and special moment was immediately interrupted by Katherine who suddenly found them sitting alone together. Perhaps Katherine sensed the awkwardness because she left reasonably quickly after a quick exchange with Chloe. After what must have seemed like an eternity to Lars, Chloe turned her attention back to him, looked him in the eye and said “Yes” with a cute grin and nod of the head. The two shared a smile but held back any laughter that might have arisen out of Katherine’s untimely interruption before they had to head back to class. But they left morning break officially a couple.

That morning on the bleachers with all of its awkwardness and anticipation will be a memory Chloe and Lars will each remember for decades to come. There is something special and magical about being very young and experiencing the first feelings of romantic love. At the same time there is a dark side associated with young adolescents pairing off so quickly and so decisively. It is the driver of so much parental worry as well as a potential wedge between early adolescents and their parents. Both Amelia and I have been confronted by the same words of shock and horror from multiple well-meaning peers, “You let your daughter have a boyfriend!?!”

The answer to this rhetorical question worded as a statement is “yes” and given the reactions we have had from so many quarters, I believe our “yes” deserves significant clarification as well as context. Parents have four main tools that they can use to control their children: prohibition, regulation, education and modeling.

PROHIBITION --> REGULATION --> EDUCATION --> MODELING

When children are very young, parental control happens at the left side of the above chart. The center of parental control moves to the right as children mature. Part of this movement to the right happens as a function of parental judgment and part of it is a force of nature. The most interesting and significant aspect of this chart is that as one moves to the right, the impact has both a greater delay and more longevity. Modeling has its greatest impact on teenagers when it has been exercised consistently from the beginning.

Leading up to her pairing with Lars, Chloe asked us a lot about relationships with boys. It gave us the opportunity not only to answer her explicit questions but also to speak on the subject broadly. We talked about what character qualities to value and what behaviors should alert her to danger. While we couldn’t model a middle school relationship ourselves, we were able to walk her through interpreting the relationships and relationship behaviors she observed among other young adolescents. But even before Chloe was interested in Lars or asking us about boys we were already talking to Chloe about what healthy relationships look like and what unhealthy relationships look like.

While other parents may forbid dating before a certain age, the most important thing for these parents to do is to teach their daughters and sons about healthy relationship skills beginning at an early age. Parents who use prohibition as the primary or only means of controlling adolescent nature find themselves using their weakest and least effective tool.

Chloe is not prohibited from having a boyfriend. And so far, we have not even needed to lay down any regulations, though that may come. Chloe and Lars have been on just one official “date” in the five weeks they have been a pair. They went out for a pizza lunch after a half day and were joined by Katherine. Otherwise Chloe and Lars have spent their morning breaks and lunches at Hermes Middle School splitting their time between one another and their respective friends. There has been no kiss or holding hands yet. Part of the reason is youthful caution. But another part is the absence of desperation or urgency. Chloe and Lars have both been content getting to know one another slowly. As a parent, I am particularly happy that the relationship is tame as a result of their choosing and not outside pressure.

Right now the lines of communication are open with Chloe. That doesn’t mean she has no privacy. But we talk to her about Lars quite a bit. We like the way he speaks with her. We like that he was comfortable having Katherine tag along for his first date with Chloe. We like that he is not in any hurry for his romance to get physical. We like that he plays sports and is non-disruptive in the classroom. Most of all, we are happy that Lars is Chloe’s choice.

The adolescent years are when childhood begins to give way toward adulthood. As parents we may be frightened by the possibility that our kids will not make good choices. It is tempting to cling to prohibition and regulation. And it is disconcerting that education and modeling have such a delayed effect. But that is why we started early. As parents we enjoy the benefit of greater peace of mind. And Chloe gets to enjoy the benefit of having a nice boyfriend.

Walking Between Classes with Boys

2011-09-30T23:30:00.000-07:00

Hermes Middle School is probably very similar to thousands of middle schools across the country and across the world. The young adolescents like Chloe and her friends are given all kinds of cues to tell them they are older and more mature than they were just a few months back in elementary school.

There is no playground equipment. Instead the school has outdoor sports fields next to the campus and an indoor gymnasium with a full basketball court. The kids change classes for different subjects and see a different set of peers in each class. Teachers do not escort students like they did in elementary school, and in general the number of rules and the strictness of those rules have been greatly relaxed.

However, the Middle School does introduce a set of rules that did not exist at the elementary school. These are rules to rein in developing adolescent urges. The dress code for girls is the most obvious. The school requires at least two finger-widths of fabric covering each shoulder. Undergarments and midriffs cannot show, and the list seems to go on and on. Additionally, there are rules that forbid public displays of affection such as holding hands.

And the rules seem to be arriving at just the right time. The developing romantic interests are indeed becoming common. Most but not all of Chloe’s friends really want to have a boyfriend. And there seem to be plenty of boys who have discovered they are interested in girls as well. While the interest may be large, few of Chloe’s peers of either gender have even the beginnings of relationship skills. And they seem to know it. The vast majority of boys seem to hide behind the handful of guys brave enough to hold a conversation with a girl. Occasionally, members of the nervous boy crowd will tease and say, “Is she your girlfriend?” Girls likewise seem to prefer the vicarious enjoyment over the actual experience. Whenever a boy and girl pair off in any way there seems to be a crowd of girls hovering around trying to get a word in with the same guy. For girls, perhaps only one in every twenty guys qualifies to be anyone's boyfriend. It is a case of many "crushing" on the same few.

A new student named Eddie moved to Hermes from the other side of the country. He seemed to catch the attention of Chloe’s entire peer group. Soon he was the lone boy sitting at the table with Chloe and a bunch of girls. The kids had to share computers and Stephanie was the first to act. “Do you want to share mine, Eddie?” And suddenly every girl present wished she had the idea before Stephanie as the two pulled close together in front of the computer screen.

Not long afterward, a different boy named Lars caught the attention of Chloe and her friends. At home, Chloe told me about getting to know Lars. Chloe and Lars shared their morning classes with one another and as the school year got under way, the two began walking together between classes. The found they were attracting a lot of attention from other kids. Boys would walk up to Lars and say “Is she your girlfriend?” Likewise, girls began to hover around them trying to find reasons to talk to Lars.

At some point, Lars got sick enough of the hovering boys and girls to do something brave. He whispered into Chloe’s ear and said “let’s ditch them.” They managed to scurry off but they only managed to leave a handful of their followers behind.

The next day when Lars suggested they ditch the others, Chloe was prepared. “Meet me at the bleachers,” she whispered back. And they pretended to go separate ways.

At the bleachers the two managed to earn a small time of privacy. And during that time as they shared their first few minutes alone at the bleachers Lars asked “Will you go out with me?" to Chloe.

Two Very Different Honor Students

2011-09-29T23:02:00.000-07:00

It was Philip’s first college fair. The Honors Advisor at Hermes High School had encouraged the Honor students in the Junior Class to attend. I took Philip and volunteered to give other students a ride. In the end, Philip was joined by just one of his peers: Evan.

I met Evan and his mother at Hermes High School the morning of the college fair. The contrast between Philip and Evan was immediate in their appearance alone. Philip was handsomely dressed in a new pair of jeans, an ironed but un-tucked button-up grey shirt and a semi-formal black jacket. He had showered with shampoo and conditioner plus and had combed his hair to perfection. Philip completed his look with a pair of dark plastic sunglasses. Meanwhile, Evan’s pewter-brown hair looked like it was washed only rarely with hand soap. His black t-shirt and tan cargo pants contrasted. His socks matched each other but not anything else in his attire. Philip’s clothing shocked Evan. “Oh … my dad told me I just had to wear something clean.”

“Most kids there will be dressed like you Evan,” I answered, but what I said proved a stretch. Boys at the college fair tended to be dressed casually but not as casually as Evan. No other boy was as well groomed as Philip. Girls, on the other hand, tended to be dressed more in line with Philip’s attire, wear sun dresses, or skirts and blouses. Only a few girls had arrived wearing jeans.

As I collected the emergency information from Evan’s mother, she telephoned his father from her mobile phone. Evan’s mother was small, nervous and seemed uncertain about what Evan’s father would want in terms of knowing about her son’s driver. For some reason, she kept referring to me as “Doctor Askins.” In the end, Evan’s father felt he didn’t need to speak with me so his mother ended the call. I couldn’t tell if the two lived under the same roof or not. But the exchange seemed unusually awkward.

Evan and Philip barely spoke. Evan stuck head-phones in his ears and Philip used my mobile phone to listen to his own music. For most of the drive, everyone was silent, but I occasionally asked Evan about himself. He liked computers and had an after-school job with his father’s software company. He seemed like the kind of kid who got an A in all or most classes without needing to study very hard. But he was completely unprepared for the college fair. He had not looked at the list of schools beforehand, so I gave him my print-out to look at during the ride. When I asked him what his parents had told him about the college fair he repeated his father’s sole advice to “wear clean clothes.” I used his response as pretense to give both of them my prep-talk for the college fair.

At the actual event, Philip canvassed the room to speak with schools that offered degrees in biomedical engineering. Few met Philip’s requirements but those that did got Philip’s full attention. He also made time to hear what small schools had to say about themselves and their Biology majors. Evan seemed to wander aimlessly from booth to booth. When engaged he wasn’t sure what he wanted to ask. For myself, I asked about graduate school placement, the school’s social life, sports programs, and financial aid. I avoided booths with any student waiting to ask a question but managed to speak with each school of interest.

During the drive home, Evan and Philip did not speak with one another. Both descended into their respective music. I pondered about how different they were from one another in so many respects. The choice to sequester themselves in their music seemed the only thing other than the Honors program that they shared in common. I also thought about how much more commanding and proactive Amelia and I behave when compared to Evan’s parents.

During the ride home I indulged myself in both pride and jealousy. But in the end, I merely accepted how things were. That day I got to observe my son at the college fair among many peers and in the car with one peer. It was a chance to privately celebrate his unique qualities while I can still observe them so easily.

Disparenting’s Impact on Friends and Friendships

2011-09-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

Both Amelia and I like Jasmine’s Mother Rita and Katherine’s Father Jerry. But we have ultimately concluded that both Rita and Jerry have critical flaws in the way they parent. These flaws work themselves out in what I have come to call disparenting. And as Jasmine and Katherine trudge forward into adolescence, the fruit of various disparenting practices is becoming ever more pronounced. Poor life skills often result in poor marriage choices and relationship skills which lead to divorce and single-parenting. The stress and difficulty of single-parenting amplifies the negative impact of poor life skills. And once the kids begin to act out, the amplification can accelerate in a vicious cycle.

Today, both Rita and Jerry have below par control over their tweens, who in turn have below par self-control. Both parents try to compensate, but often end up overcompensating in areas that have little true impact. Rita wants Jasmine and her older brother to embrace healthy eating habits, but it is too easy for the kids to get around their mother’s zealous dietary aspirations. Jerry often caves to Katherine’s spending requests; the main result is that Katherine has no concept of the value of money.

Chloe gets roped into the disparenting drama from time to time. When Rita discovered contraband candy that Jasmine had purchased, Rita quickly tossed the whole batch into the garbage, mistakenly including a lollipop that Chloe had purchased with her allowance. Two summers ago, Jerry took Katherine, Chloe and one other girl to Justice for what we thought was going to be a special shopping trip to get matching t-shirts. Instead all three girls came home with a small wardrobe, which for Chloe included four pairs of jeans and at least as many tops.

With the start of middle school, Amelia and I have kept a careful eye on Chloe’s friendships with Jasmine and Katherine, and one key differentiator has emerged. Jerry’s incompetence is conscious, while Rita’s incompetence is unconscious. Just a few weeks back Jerry took Katherine and Chloe to a spa for what all parties thought was just basic facial masks. But Jerry lost control of the somewhat unethical spa owner and the end package included lip and eyebrow waxes that set Jerry back over two hundred dollars and mildly traumatized both girls. On the phone with Jerry later, he was quick to apologize and take responsibility. In contrast, Rita had no concept how much a different scenario traumatized Chloe and Patty. Jasmine was scheduled to be “kidnapped” by her church youth group early one morning for a special breakfast outing. But Rita allowed Jasmine to invite Chloe and Patty for a sleepover the previous night which roped Jasmine’s two guests into being “kidnapped” by complete strangers without any advance warning or parental approval. Another time Rita’s efforts to get Jasmine to stop sucking her thumb included telling Jasmine that Chloe would blackmail Jasmine at school with this information.

In contrast, Jerry’s simple ability to admit to wrong and to empathize with other kids’ feelings is beginning to break the vicious cycle for himself and his daughter Katherine.

The previous weekend began with Jasmine suggesting that she and Chloe go to the County Fair Friday evening. There was one catch. Jasmine could not offer Chloe a ride. Chloe telephoned me toward the end of my work day with the frantic hope that I could drive her and Jasmine to the County Fair. I promised to think about it, but once I reviewed the driving distance, parking options, entrance fees and Friday evening attractions, I realized the Fair was a poor idea. Chloe was disappointed. But a large part of Chloe’s disappointment stemmed from the fact that Jasmine was disappointed. The two instead watched a DVD at Jasmine’s house, with a narrative voiceover of Jasmine griping about missing the County Fair.

The following morning, Chloe had an idea. She wanted to watch boys she’d gotten to know at Hermes Middle School play football. But she wanted to bring another girl along. She asked Jasmine first. But all Jasmine could say was “I’m not interested in football.” Jasmine’s narcissism hurt Chloe’s feelings. After Chloe made a special effort to make Jasmine’s Friday evening fun, Jasmine saw no value in doing something that would make Chloe’s Saturday fun. Unlike Jasmine, Katherine jumped at the chance to spend Saturday with Chloe. While picking up Katherine, I chatted with Jerry to work out the logistics. Jerry agreed it was alright for the girls to walk together the mile between the football field and his home after the game, and that the girls could stop at a frozen yogurt shop along the way. Both girls had their mobile phones, and were under orders to get our permission before doing anything outside the specified plans

A few hours later my mobile phone rang. Chloe wanted to sleep over at Katherine’s house. I told her “maybe” and that I would call her back. For several months Chloe had not been allowed to sleep over at Katherine’s because we were not entirely comfortable with Katherine and Jerry. But we had observed some serious improvement. That day’s experience sealed it. After seeing the difference in how Katherine had treated Chloe compared to how Jasmine had treated Chloe, I wanted to reward Katherine. Amelia and I agreed Katherine and her dad were ready. Half an hour later I called Chloe back to approve the sleepover.

That Saturday with Katherine had proven a success. And while Katherine may never have the relative maturity and friendship skills that Chloe commands, we know Katherine is trying and so is Jerry. As long as Chloe stays happy with the friendship, Amelia and I are prepared to stay happy as well.

Having an Older Teen’s Perspective and Insight

2011-08-31T23:06:00.000-07:00

It was only two years ago when Philip entered his freshman year at Hermes High School. Over what seems like an absurdly brief period of time, Philip has grown seven inches taller and perhaps that much wiser. He seems to understand himself better and he also seems to understand why his peers think and act the way they do. When his friend Joshua sent a dozen text messages in a half an hour’s time because Philip didn’t respond immediately to the first text immediately, Philip merely shrugged it off concluding that it is something some teenagers simply do.

When Philip was a freshman, he experienced the age-gender gap in an intense manner. The girls he found most interesting had no lasting interest in Philip. Instead the pretty, outgoing freshmen girls set their sights on members of the junior and senior classes, many of whom were happy to receive the adoring attention of Philip’s young girl-peers. The concept bothered Philip. He liked the girls his own age. In fact, the girls he liked tended to be the socially inclined ones who showed no interest in guys close to their own age. He began to resign himself to the idea that he was unlikely to find a match for himself for a very long time. And once he did find a match, she would have already logged plenty of time with at least one other guy as her boyfriend.

Two years later, Philip has now seen this year’s incoming freshmen girls through a junior’s eyes. Earlier this month, Philip boarded a bus to spend a week at a high school camp. During his day-long bus rides and the week between, Philip logged a large amount of time with girl peers of all high school classes, including a bunch of eager freshmen girls. The idea of an actual relationship with one of these young girls was particularly absurd to Philip. The gap in life experience was far too great. While he’d been suspicious of the older guys who dated his freshmen girl-peers two years earlier, observing this year’s freshmen girls removed all doubt. The idea of such a pairing violated everything in Philip’s developing sense of ethics and morality.

When he had time to reflect after the week of camp, Philip began to ponder the whole situation anew and noticed more things that he had not noticed before. He noticed for example that the only guys who were actually pairing with the younger girls were guys who were particularly immature. It shot a big hole in the argument that his girl-peers were actually seeking someone more mature whenever one of them developed an interest in an older guy. Philip also noticed that the primary pursuers in such relationships were actually the girls, not the guys. When Philip was a freshman, a bunch of freshmen girls went to the Prom with older guys. But even though the older guys had done the official asking, it was only after his freshmen girls-peers had put themselves out there aggressively with the guys in question.

That realization brought on another realization. While his class of girl-peers included several girls who chased after much older guys, the class behind him had no such sub-culture. At the close of his sophomore year, none of the freshmen girls went to the Prom with an older guy and there were no relationships he knew of between that year’s freshmen girls and any juniors or seniors.

What made the girls in Philip’s class so different from the girls in the class just one year behind them? The answer, I expect, was the existence of an opinion leader who pursued the older guys. Erica led the charge shunning her same-age guy peers in favor of junior and senior guys. As Erica proved successful in winning the adoration of a tall, muscular guy in the junior class, others in her class followed. But the class behind them had no such opinion leader.

If the class of girls behind Philip could behave so differently from the girls in his own class, perhaps Philip now saw a glimmer of hope. (If he did, he kept it a secret from his parents.) On the other hand, the contrast showed just how powerful an influence one girl can be on so many other girls. How things will play out for Philip over the next two years of high school cannot be predicted. But I have no doubt Philip will continue to grow and change while many others around him will do likewise.

Getting off to a Bad Start

2011-08-30T19:56:00.000-07:00

Normally, boring adults like me only get to witness such things by watching teen dramas on television. But I guess it makes sense that volunteering to chaperon an end-of-summer teen dance sponsored by the Hermes High School Cheer Squad put me right where all that might be gossip-worthy would appear. Only three adults witnessed the “event of the evening” and I was one. And since one of the three was Liana’s mother, it was really only two adults who were privileged to witness Liana’s crowning act in making a foolish spectacle of herself.

Liana arrived at the dance early. Technically, she arrived late. Once the no-in-and-out policy was made clear, a subset of teens wanted to delay their entrance as long as possible. Liana and a small crowd wandered toward the Skateboard Park away from the Hermes Community Center where they had been dropped off early by parents. The small crowd returned about forty-five minutes later to officially enter the dance. As the small crowd initially wandered off, one parent—the mother of a freshman girl—commented that “Liana and her friends” were leaving to have their own party. It was as if all the others were pre-ordained as anonymous followers and the only real character in the story that was unfolding was Liana.

Chaperons divided by gender. Mothers were inside monitoring behavior and acting as if they would descend swiftly on anything that got too far out of hand. Fathers were outside, enforcing security. The parking lot was not supposed to be “the other party” that evening. The few exits were guarded by fathers. All of this kept the no-in-and-out policy intact. At teen events, enforceability is the whole of the law, especially after dark.

During the earlier “daylight” part of the dance, we were less totalitarian. Students were even surprised when I approached them in the parking lot to tell them they needed to either enter the dance or leave. It didn’t mean they took immediate action and I didn’t need them to take immediate action either. I could comfortably say, “I’m not the Gestapo. But you can’t stay in the parking much longer” and leave it at that. An hour into the dance it was dark out and the chaperons were all in our places of enforcement. Anyone who entered the parking lot was immediately approached. There was a nervous freshman football player who was at least twice Philip’s weight whose nervous father dropped him off after dark and wanted to know the exact time he should return. It was all comfortably routine. Then the convertible arrived and parked right near us.

There was a mother and a father in the convertible. The mother was driving. I soon concluded the father was not legal to drive at that moment. Both got out and approached me and the other father guarding the exit to the courtyard. They wanted to talk a little. They asked us if we had kids inside and so the two of us named our kids. They told us their freshman daughter was inside and that she did Track, not Cheer. Then they told us they had heard there had been some drinking and they had arrived to pick up their daughter. They made it sound like their daughter was not allowed to be somewhere if there was any drinking.

But we soon discovered their daughter was the sole teenager behaving in an incriminating manner. While the father from the convertible carried on a similarly jovial conversation with the pair of chaperon fathers guarding the front door, the mother emerged, holding Liana steady with a tight grip on her arm. At first I thought Liana might have been exaggerating her drunken state. But my trained eye quickly saw she had gone way beyond too much. I estimated Liana had consumed just over half a water bottle of clear hard liquor. It could have been run, vodka, gin or tequila, as long as it was clear. If any other teenager had imbibed, it was not detectable in their behavior. In contrast, Liana was staggering.

At the wrong moment, Liana defiantly pulled herself away from her mother’s steadying grip and then stepped off the curb unprepared for the change in plane. Her right leg descended the extra four inches and pulled the rest of Liana’s body downward before her left leg could even attempt to step forward to catch her center of gravity. Liana’s hands barely made it out in front of her when her body went splat horizontal onto the pavement for me and the other father guarding the exit from the courtyard to witness.

Liana had started out the evening surrounded by followers. But she was lying face down on the filthy pavement alone. Not even one so-called friend had seen Liana out to her car. There was no way for anyone from the convertible to act normal. Liana couldn’t quite be quiet, so she chose to berate herself. Liana’s father was ostentatiously too slow in returning to the passenger seat of the convertible and then he suddenly found himself scurrying toward the car. Liana’s mother did not seem to know what expression to wear on her face but settled on a detached look as she turned on the ignition and swiftly piloted her family’s exit.

Did Liana learn her lesson that night? I hope she did but I highly doubt it. There is a counterfeit bravery in what Liana did. I also think her family had spent too much of Liana’s formative years convincing her that alcohol was the primary means of finding enjoyment in social situations. Liana’s so-called friends will probably still jump at the chance to walk with her to the Skateboard Park. And I do not believe Liana is suddenly wise enough to know that none of them will ever be the kind of friend who would walk with her out to the car.

Eagerly Anticipating Middle School

2011-08-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

Chloe has enjoyed the summer. It has been filled with all kinds of special events. She hosted a great birthday-sleepover party shortly after the school year ended. Not long after Chloe spent a week as Gayle’s guest for her family vacation. Our family hosted plenty of guests for a barbeque and then a neighborhood view of the fireworks on Independence Day. Chloe’s cousin Joelle visited our family for a week. Ashley and her family also visited for a couple days. As summer drew to a close, Chloe and her brother Philip spent a week camping with Jasmine, Joshua, Debbie and Abby. Chloe has also gotten to spend lots of time with other friends, including Holly and Patty.

But when Chloe has been alone with us, she is most interested in talking about her upcoming years at Middle School. When the student handbook arrived, Chloe devoured it quickly and had all kinds of questions for us about the dress code, the school dances and other subjects. When visiting Jasmine down the street, Chloe likes to hear what Jasmine’s older brother has to say about the Middle School, especially the social environment.

As parents, we have been doing our best to prepare Chloe for what will likely be a few very difficult years. From what I have read, experienced and witnessed, Middle School is a time when one’s need to receive the benefits of friendship more greatly exceed one’s ability to give the benefits of friendship than at any other time in life. And therein one finds the core problem. These late tweens and early teens interact with one another desperate for a form of friendship that always falls short. Many become frustrated and insulate themselves by dealing out cold forms of cruelty. As parents, Amelia and I have been focusing on a handful of things. We have put a lot of effort into helping Chloe cultivate her very good friendships, especially with the friends like Patty and Holly who we anticipate will provide good friendship in return to Chloe. We have also done our best to help Chloe understand the inherent socially toxic environment to which she is headed. And finally we are trying to help Chloe overcome the natural but destructive urge to act out when she feels hurt or gets frustrated.

Intellectually, Chloe mostly understands. And she is eager to understand even better. She watches television shows like DeGrassi to glean further insight. She often asks us why someone did something or said something. Amelia has also given Chloe a bunch of young adult books that address these same issues. Additionally, Amelia and Chloe are still watching Pretty Little Liars together and discussing the interactions in detail during and between episodes.

Not everything about Middle School will be negative. She will meet new friends from other Elementary Schools who will converge onto the Middle School with Chloe in just a few days. There will be a new set of teachers and a campus that has more places to sit outside but no climbing equipment or swings. There are breaks instead of recess and each class has a different teacher. She’s had fun simply comparing class schedules with her friends like Gayle and Patty but has been disappointed at how few classes she shares with her closest friends.

While logic might dictate Chloe to be fearful, she is blazing forward toward Middle School with eager anticipation. She and Patty spent the afternoon at the local mall shopping together with money we had set aside for her to select a handful of her own back-to-school clothes. Each day now, Chloe reminds me how many days there are until Middle School begins.

When asked about how she feels about the difficult aspects of Middle School, Chloe has this to say. “I don’t want any of the bad stuff to happen to me or my friends. But I know there will probably be some bad stuff. Still, it is the kind of bad stuff that comes along during this part of growing up and I want to experience it.” I believe she does want to experience it. But more importantly, I think she wants to not only survive it but overcome it. Perhaps that is the prize she truly anticipates the most. Middle School is a place where parental protection can only go so far. It will go less far than it did in anything that existed previously. So in many ways for Chloe it is one step closer to both the freedom and responsibility of adulthood. And perhaps that is the biggest draw of all.

A Fun Place to Sleep When a Friend Visits

2011-07-31T20:21:00.000-07:00

Unlike all Chloe’s other friends, Jasmine lives less than a five minute walk from our house. When we hear an unexpected knock on the door, we usually conclude it is Jasmine. In this manner, Chloe ends up spending a lot of time with Jasmine. Together Chloe and Jasmine walk into town for simple things like an ice cream or a candy bar. At other times they head off together to see a movie.

Early in the afternoon on Saturday we heard Jasmine’s signature knock on our door and soon she was inside our house plotting fun activities with Chloe. Jasmine had done a bunch of work around the house in exchange for a promise from her mother to buy Jasmine and a friend tickets to see a movie along with some popcorn. So Chloe headed off for the movie with Jasmine, and when they returned they had plans for a special sleepover.

Jasmine had brought a flashlight along. She and Chloe entered our coat closet which is beneath our stairs. To the left of the door, the stairs descend to make that part of the closet too low to stand. With Jasmine’s flashlight on, Chloe and Jasmine went into the coat closet for a secret meeting. When they emerged perhaps an hour later, they explained that they wanted to pile the storage boxes a certain way and sleep in the closet together that night. Amelia and I made them explain a few details but in the end we each gave permission to their sleeping adventure.

After dinner, Chloe and Jasmine returned to the coat closet with Jasmine’s flashlight and closed the door. We couldn’t hear anything but when they emerged perhaps an hour later, the storage boxes were stacked neatly in the back of the closet on one side and the floor of the closet looked like the floor of an elaborate camping tent. For the rest of the evening, Chloe travelled back and forth between watching television together and their secret conference room in the coat closet. In the end, Philip and the adults retired before the girls did. But when we got up in the morning, we could see a through a slightly ajar coat closet door the sleeping figures of Chloe and Jasmine.

I think at some point nearly every child wants to sleep with a friend under a fort or tent made from chairs and blankets. Chloe went through this phase around age eight. Lately, sleepovers have either happened in Chloe’s room or the family room. The coat closet was new. And perhaps it was the novelty—especially when adding Jasmine’s flashlight to the equation—that captured Chloe’s sense of what is fun in response to Jasmine’s idea.

Eventually we had to wake up Chloe and Jasmine and request they get up and clear their sleeping supplies from the coat closet. After breakfast while waiting for Jasmine’s mother, however, the two returned to the coat closet as their secret conference room. The door was only slightly ajar and the flashlight was back on. Only when one got right up to the door was their whispering detectable but too muffled to comprehend without actually joining them.

I think in the end, it was about doing something fun and different together. For us it was a reminder that little adventures are what make life fun. The two may have spent a lot of money seeing the movie and eating popcorn but I expect the memory they will cherish from this weekend is what cost them nothing: The time they spent in the coat closet.

The Simple Joy of Family Television Time

2011-07-31T17:19:00.000-07:00

The television is often portrayed as the enemy of family life and the relationship between parents and children in particular. It is “the boob tube” or “the one-eyed babysitter” when criticized in this manner. But recently, I have come to a different conclusion in my own mind.

For me as a very young child, there was something very special about Friday nights. I would spend Friday nights with my maternal grandparents. They got some grandchild time and my mother would get what was probably a well-deserved break. The early part of the evening was spent with my grandmother. She would talk to me while she cooked and a single floor-level cabinet in the kitchen was where all of the toys I could play with at my grandparents’ house were kept like a small treasure trove. At some point between 7:00 and 7:30, my grandfather would return home. The kitchen door would burst open from his weight, strength and determination. And if it was winter, my grandfather seemed to drag in the cold with him as well.

My grandfather would hang up his hat, his coat and the jacket of his business suit, remove his tie and put on one of his comfortable sweaters that had no place being seen outside the family. If the sweater didn’t have holes in it, it certainly had a gravy stain running down the front. After my grandfather died, my wife spent perhaps four or five years tolerating a gravy-stained sweater with holes at elbows that I had lifted from my grandfather’s belongings.

My grandfather would take me into the living room where the only color television I knew existed sat plainly on a roll-out stand. My grandfather had a chair in the living room that he claimed belonged to him as if it were his throne. A long couch and a love seat were the remainder of the cushioned furniture for adults. But there was a little wicker chair that my grandmother pulled out for me. With it were two matching wicker tables. The big one was placed in front of my grandfather and the small one was placed in front of me. Soon afterward, my grandmother would bring in two trays of dinner. I had my lone ginger ale of the week with my dinner and my grandfather would enjoy a bar room glass of scotch and ice, or “Scotch on the Rocks” as he called it.

There would normally be a few minutes of Walter Cronkite anchoring the Evening News before my grandfather and I watched a full episode of Hogan’s Heroes. I’ll never forget the sound of my grandfather laughing or the ice hitting the side of his glass. Today, whenever someone imitates Sergeant Schultz saying “I know nothing!” I still crack a smile. When my grandmother removed the dinner trays, she returned with a large party dish of either goldfish crackers or corn chips. My grandfather and I would finish our respective drinks and the final suspenseful minutes of the comedy with the salty treats in our mouths before I had to brush my teeth, get into my pajamas and go to bed.

Hogan’s Heroes will always hold a special place in my heart. The same can be said of The Carol Burnett Show which I would watch with my mother when I was a little bit older. Likewise, I will never forget watching Shoulder to Shoulder with my father and Uncle Ronald. These and a few other television shows were special treats and special memories that I shared with my parents and will never forget.

As a parent I have done the same thing with my own children. We let a very young Philip stay up late with us to watch the mini-series Taken. As Chloe became old enough to understand content beyond simple children’s television, the family watched Smallville’s first four seasons together. We gave up shortly into Season five because we concluded the network kept making Smallville more about teen sexuality and less about an interesting young Superman plot. Fortunately, we found what we were looking for in Stargate shortly after dropping Smallville.

More recently, it has gotten more complicated. Amelia and Chloe watch Pretty Little Liars together while Philip and I watch The Avengers. Chloe and I began watching Vampire Diaries and Glee together but eventually the rest of the family joined us. Likewise, Philip and Amelia began watching Deadliest Warrior together but I have since joined them. Philip found South Park which Amelia tolerates but which Chloe and I nonetheless enjoy watching with Philip.

As both Philip and Chloe become more private about their personal lives, the fictional world of television is something Amelia and I can share with them without risking being cut out as nosy. It is cheap and easy entertainment and as long as it does not become excessive, I believe television will prove a great set of memories Philip and Chloe will have of their parents the way the old classics are great memories I have of my own parents.

An Extended Family Visit

2011-07-31T15:30:00.000-07:00

Joelle is the oldest daughter of my wife Ameila’s cousin Tom. Growing up, Amelia and Tom were close, though they saw each other much less once the college years began. Joelle is just fourteen months older than Chloe. Tom, Joelle and their family live a long airplane flight away, but Tom has made it a point to visit our family whenever he has had an extended business visit to our part of the country.

For his most recent visit earlier this month, Tom did things a little bit differently. He brought his daughter Joelle along and dropped her off at our house Sunday evening to spend the entire week with our family while he spent his week in business meetings. The primary goal was to establish a meaningful connection between Joelle and Chloe, and I am pleased to report we were indeed successful in that endeavor.

Joelle arrived with both excited anticipation and a guarded sense of caution. Tom spent perhaps two hours at our house in the family room that Sunday evening having the usual catch-up chat. We discussed our respective business environments, national and local real estate markets, politics, the art of parenting and managing kids’ schools, and scores of other subjects that I no longer remember. Chloe showed Joelle her room and Philip carried Joelle’s trunk-sized suitcase upstairs for her. Joelle stayed mostly with her father during the window he was with us Sunday evening while Chloe and Philip went in and out.

It was perhaps nine o’clock in the evening when Tom finally said his goodbyes and headed for his hotel. Amelia and I were quite tired but Chloe and Joelle were clearly hours away from even the potential to fall asleep. So we settled on requiring the girls to have all their bedding prepared and to be in their pajamas. Philip retired to his own room to laugh at Youtube videos behind a closed door. Amelia and I also retired to the master bedroom but didn’t turn out the light until over an hour later. Chloe and Joelle took control of the family room and agreed to watch the Lindsey Lohan movie, Mean Girls together.

Monday morning when I left for work, I could see Chloe and Joelle fast asleep and had no interest in waking them. Amelia had daytime plans for the family each day of the week, including an Aquarium visit on Wednesday for which I took the day off from work. On Monday and Tuesday evening I took Chloe and Joelle to a local theme park for which Chloe and Philip each had season passes. Philip joined us for the first night. With each passing day, Joelle seemed more settled and comfortable with us. By Tuesday evening I had nick-named the girls Josie and Chlosie and it seemed to stick. And by the end of our day at the Aquarium on Wednesday there was no distinguishing that Joelle wasn’t Philip and Chloe’s sister. Joelle wrestled Philip with the same comfort and abandon that Chloe would exhibit with her brother. Most importantly, I knew I was going to miss having Josie around once she left and had already developed a secret hope that a visit from Joelle would become at least an annual ritual.

The plan for Friday evening was that Tom would take our entire family out for dinner at our favorite local restaurant, The Cambodian Barbeque and then he would depart with Joelle. Both Tom and I ran a little late on Friday due to traffic but there seemed to be no rush when I arrived at the restaurant to meet them. The adult conversation still covered business, finance and politics. But it also included descriptions of the highlights from the previous week. Tom laughed when he heard the nick-names Josie and Chlosie.

After extending the meal even further with desserts, the time to leave was clearly approaching. I took a moment to tell Joelle how much we enjoyed having her, how much she had come to mean to us and our hope that she will return many times. We all hugged as we said our final goodbyes. Tom and I shared a warm but brief bear hug along with our handshake. When Joelle hugged me, it reminded me of the way Chloe hugs me as opposed to the way the girls I had coached in soccer or basketball had hugged me. Joelle squeezed me tightly with both arms and pressed her face against by fleece pullover. I gently kissed the top of her head, squeezed and let go. Then I was missing her already, and that was just the way it was going to be. We left the restaurant waving until we all disappeared into separate cars.

The week with Joelle re-taught me something about extended family. They can simply be names that appear on a family tree as if we were all part of some club that rarely meets. Or they can be something close and special. My grandfather on my father’s side had a relative I knew as Uncle Ronald for which one had to trace back at least six generations to name a common ancestor. Nonetheless, Uncle Ronald hosted as many extended family members as would accept his invitation every summer at a huge home in a remote part of Maine with cold, fly-infested beaches but the world’s tastiest fresh-caught fish and fresh-picked blueberries. My father and I enjoyed two extended visits with Uncle Ronald when I was a child and then as a teenager I spent the day with Uncle Ronald during a brief break from a summer job. I’ve always wanted live my elder years like Uncle Ronald. The visit from Joelle marked the beginning of seeing that life-long dream fulfilled.

The Season When Friendship Always Trumps the Social Hierarchy

2011-06-30T22:59:00.000-07:00

Less than a month earlier, Britney was an ever-present nuisance when it came to Chloe’s efforts to spend time with Gayle. That was when school was still in session. But Chloe’s fortunes quickly changed once school was over. Summer vacation was not even ten days old when Chloe received an offer she would not have even thought possible back when school was in session. Chloe was Gayle’s choice as the friend to bring along on a family vacation to her grandparents’ home at a popular vacation destination.

On the one hand, it was a testimony to the power of friendship. But on the other hand, it was also a testimony to the power of the social hierarchy on campus. Off campus this summer, Chloe is the preferred friend. But on campus in Elementary School, Britney was the preferred friend. What remains an open question is “Who will Gayle treat as the closer friend once the school year begins at Hermes Middle School?”

Not only did Gayle and Chloe log four days and three nights together at Gayle’s grandparents’ house, they also spent the day before and the day after together. And then on the following weekend, Chloe joined Gayle at the movie theater to meet a boy who had texted Gayle wanting to see a movie as a date. When Chloe called me that first night from Gayle’s grandparents’ home, she was full of all kinds of stories about the fun she had during a day that was half taken by a car ride she shared with Gayle in their pajamas. “Daddy! Guess what Gayle and I just did! We had a whipped cream fight!” Chloe spent half of the very short call laughing and quickly ended it to return to her shared mayhem with Gayle. The next night Chloe stayed on the phone long enough to tell me she and Gayle each ate a whole foot-long while out on a fishing boat with Gayle’s grandfather. The stretch of time the two shared together will no-doubt be a positive memory both Gayle and Chloe will carry and cherish well into adulthood.

Middle School may or may not upset the social hierarchy that was in place at the end of Elementary School. Many factors will come to play. First off, there will be many new students for Chloe and Gayle to meet coming from other schools and other social hierarchies. Then there will be the older students at the Middle School. School sports teams, a cheer squad, larger home rooms and changing classes will all contribute to who meets and gets to know who. The break between the end of one school year and the beginning of another will allow students to mature at different rates as well as gain new experiences. And finally, it will allow friendships hindered by the old social hierarchies to flourish while the friendships artificially maintained by those same social hierarchies will atrophy.

But in the end, nothing can be predicted. For now Amelia and I as Chloe’s parents are helping Chloe cultivate those friendships Chloe enjoys the most. That includes Gayle as well as many others like Patty and Holly. We cannot know how things will play out once Middle School begins, but for now it is summer when friendship always trumps the social hierarchy. Perhaps that is part of the reason why summers like these are so special.

Permission to Text Events

2011-06-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

It is now quite a common occurrence. A Hermes High School student will create a multi-day Facebook Event associated with his or her mobile phone. Sometimes the title is quite descriptive: New Phone – Need Numbers. More recently, the objective goes without saying and the Event is simply titled: New Phone. The result is always the same. The vast majority of invitees post their mobile phone numbers to the Wall of the Event. Philip’s friend Teresa created a New Phone Event just a few weeks ago.

How did this ritual originate? Consider the following. First, most of the Event creators could easily copy their contact list from the old phone to the new phone—sometimes even at the store. Second, most teens publish their mobile phone number on their Info page, and may even have posted their mobile phone number on a previous New Phone Event.

My conclusion is that it is not about getting the numbers, but instead about getting implicit permission to use them. With communications technology and infrastructure constantly evolving, the rules of etiquette are increasingly unclear. Teens want to text and to chat. They especially like to text and chat frivolously. Yet despite their social ambition, they are also very socially cautious.

The Facebook Event has proven to be the perfect social bridge for many teens. Friending on Facebook is safe. Inviting Friends to New Phone Events is also safe. Posting one’s mobile number on the Wall of a New Phone Event to which one has been invited is another safe action. Texting a friend who has just posted his or her mobile phone number on your Event’s Wall to say something like. “Thx for ur number – what have u be up 2 lately?” is substantially safer than texting the same individual who merely publishes his or her mobile number on his or her Info page. At any point in the process, a person can drop out without losing face and without causing the other party to lose face.

Too often, teenagers are looked upon as reckless risk-takers. This is only partially true. On average they tend to be reckless and overconfident when it comes to physical risks. They skateboard without helmets. They drive too fast. And they leap into performing dangerous stunts. But when it comes to their social confidence, they are woefully under-confident and hence overly cautious. Thus they leap through multiple hoops before they are comfortable text messaging friends, and feel more comfortable going through the New Phone ritual than they are asking someone if it is alright to send a text.

While many factors contribute to teen pregnancy, this combination seems to play a key role. They are highly inclined to rush into sexual intimacy but are extremely uncomfortable talking about preparing or even the reason why they might mutually agree they are ready for sexual intimacy. Even the idea of walking into a pharmacy and purchasing condoms can be more terrifying than the prospect of causing an unplanned pregnancy.

The same applies to recreational drug use. There is plenty of education to explain the dangers of illegal drugs that nearly all teens understand such dangers intellectually. But that education is often not enough to override the dual impact of physical recklessness, and social cautiousness. If friends are taking the risk, many teens are highly inclined to take the same risk.

For parents of teens, it is highly important to recognize, prepare for and expect a teen to be extremely social cautiousness. For the most part, this social cautiousness protects them as it has for most of human history. But more and more, this social cautiousness can be an impediment. As parents we need to help them find socially safe ways to achieve their objectives. But in the end, our teens themselves must discover what works for them and what will make both they and their peers comfortable.

This is Post One Hundred

2011-06-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

Thirty-two months ago today, I published my first blog post. A little over a year into my writing I was honored to have the “Life Reflected” blog included as one of the now thirty-five blogs listed in the “Best of the Web” directory of blogs on the topic of parenting. With the arrival of this hundredth post, I have decided to make this a ten year blog with three posts each month until 2018 shortly after Chloe departs for college. I began writing for many reasons that were compelling to me then and remain compelling to me now.

First, I saw there was a poverty of material to help parents like me. This poverty existed in both the professional media as well as the emerging amateur media, better known as blogs. Specifically, most parenting content targeted mothers and parents of younger children, especially babies. I was and still am a father of older children. Nearly three years later, I find I still have very few peers writing on this topic and even fewer peers writing on this topic with consistency, regularity and fresh content.

Second, I found that the media tended to focus on sensational stories and data but provided little to no content describing more common experiences. As such little is written about the way normal teens and tweens successfully overcome common adversities. A good example is the topic of bullying and online bullying in particular. The professional media primarily focuses on the extreme cases that include suicide. The amateur media in turn tends to echo the professional media. What is missing from this equation is normal experience. I want to know how the kids and parents successfully deal with common adversities like bullying. As I have watched Philip and Chloe face and normally overcome these challenges in their lives, I have tried to document their experiences for the benefit of others.

To date, Philip and Chloe have generally supported me in this process. I introduced anonymity to protect their privacy. Occasionally, Chloe finds something particularly embarrassing, but usually the story can be adapted to satisfy Chloe’s preferences. Anonymity has allowed me to offer details about my kids’ experiences that most writers could not include for reasons of privacy. I would certainly not publish many of these experiences to the world if I needed to use my actual name rather than my pen name.

A lot has happened and a lot has changed in the time that has transpired thus far. The economic recession has meant that I have had three different employers and faced two brief periods of unemployment plus the financial difficulty that is accompanied by such challenges. Philip has completed the eighth through tenth grade while Chloe has completed third through fifth grade. Soon Chloe will enter middle school and Philip will begin the second half of high school. I am particularly feeling the ticking calendar when it comes to Philip with just over two years before he is likely to leave home for college. Both of them have matured so much in such a short period of time and I know this trend will continue.

During this same period of time, my wife Amelia has developed chronic back pain that forced her onto short term disability and eventually to leave her employment for medical reasons. Amelia’s health situation has amplified the family’s financial challenges. More importantly, her pain and physical limitations have made it very difficult for her to single-handedly stand up to the adolescent resistance Philip and Chloe put up against her parenting efforts. While some fathers can offload all the difficult parts of parenting to the kids’ mother, this is not even an option for me and for Amelia. As time moves forward, Amelia’s efforts to create ways to earn money despite her physical limitations will be a key part of our developing story. At this time, Amelia is developing a tutoring business that is targeted to begin in earnest beginning with the next school year.

Between now and the day I write my final blog post, I have no doubt our family will encounter more of life’s unexpected twists, turns and outcomes. I also expect Philip or Chloe will continue to have their own anecdotal experiences in contexts for which extreme cases are sensationalized in the broader media. Meanwhile, my goal as a parent remains the same. I want my son Philip and my daughter Chloe to grow up physically and emotionally healthy, socially confident and academically successful - all while having fun and forming great memories too. Stay tuned.

Sometimes I’m Just a Big Kid

2011-05-31T18:17:00.000-07:00

There are so many aspects to good parenting. The goal is ensure my kids become competent, successful adults. But I want the process to be fun and to include many great memories for them and for me. So there is a side benefit for me as a parent. I can partially re-enjoy things that make one’s formative years so enjoyable. Most of it is vicarious. But some of it involves simply being a big kid. With Philip or Chloe, I will watch youth-targeted television and movies, practice sports and sometimes even play games: both group and individual games. More recently, I’ve been playing two computer games. One is Silent Hunter and the other is Navy Field. Both mimic naval battles from World War II. I am particularly fond of submarine movies and my all time favorite movie is Das Boot. In both games, I have put myself in command of a German U-boat.

In Silent Hunter, I have no choice but to skipper a submarine. I end up sinking scores of Allied ships before I need to start over. My computer assumes the role of the not-very-well skippered Allied ships I manage to sink over the course of half an hour of play time. At this point, I know the game well enough that it is really just a shooting gallery with some excellent graphics. Rarely am I in danger of being sunk, even when facing four or more fresh Destroyers or Battleships.

In Navy Field, every ship is commanded by a real person somewhere in the world. The game includes small Frigates, Destroyers, Cruisers, Aircraft Carriers, Battleships and Submarines. As players become more experienced, Navy Field permits them to skipper progressively more powerful and diverse ships, and to fire progressively more powerful weapons with progressively more accuracy. A typical Navy Field battle involves twenty to thirty-five ships on each team and lasts ten to fifteen minutes. Normally, only five to ten ships survive a battle. There is a special rush associated with sneaking up on an enemy ship, firing off a torpedo, hopefully sinking or at least severely damaging the enemy and then scurrying off before depth charges take me out, or lack of air forces me to the surface in close range to angry enemy canons. There is a special thrill in advancing to qualify for a better submarine, better torpedoes or a better deck gun and then using the new item for the first time in mock combat. There is likewise a feeling of trepidation as I dive trying to avoid enemy fire or surface to unknown threats after diving. And there is a brief regret when my submarine is sunk and a sense of brief victory when I survive an entire battle. If I am not careful, I can let a lot of time pass while playing submarine commander on the computer.

But perhaps the best part of playing these games is sharing the experience with Philip. Philip does not play computer games nearly as much as his peers. And he greatly prefers shooting at virtual zombies or soldiers over battling virtual maritime vessels. But he has his own Navy Field account and borrows mine from time to time. He’ll even play Silent Hunter from time to time but he is not motivated to get good enough to survive an entire campaign. Sometimes he will simply watch me play. He always seems to enjoy having me recount a new or unusual experience I have on the virtual battlefield.

In contrast, Philip tends not to like me asking him about school, his homework, what he did with his friends or anything about his private world. For those things, he comes to me or we don’t talk about them at all. He’d rather hear about my day at work than answer my questions about his day at school.

But there is more to the submarine games and other things I do outside my age. I like stepping into Philip’s world. I like doing things that I would be doing if I were a teenager today rather than three decades ago. I like listening to the music Philip and Chloe like, as much as I like listening to the music from my teen years. Both allow me to revisit the formative years. I like being a fan of the Hermes High School sports teams, and I like reading the news of how my former high school’s sports teams are doing today. And more recently, I like playing submarine commander. Sometimes I’m just a big kid and every parent deserves to be a big kid from time to time.

The Tension Between Friendship and Social Standing

2011-05-29T18:33:00.000-07:00

Earlier this year sociologists Robert Faris and Diane Felmlee empirically demonstrated that teens leverage cruelty and aggression to achieve and maintain their social standing with the interesting exception that the very most popular teens are unusually kind toward their peers.

As Chloe and her peer group head into middle school next year, that hierarchy has begun to form and the jockeying for position within that hierarchy leveraging cruelty and aggression has already started. At the top of the developing social hierarchy among girls is Gayle who has already established her position without ever resorting to cruelty or aggression. But right below Gayle is Rachel, who is quick to use whatever means necessary to shut down anything that has the potential to challenge her social status. Chloe and Patty share a particular loathing for Rachel’s behavior but as far as they can tell, most of their peers seem to tolerate Rachel’s behavior in exchange for Rachel’s approval. And one step down from Rachel is Britney, Gayle’s best friend. Britney rivals Rachel in how much she uses aggression and cruelty for maintaining her status especially as Gayle’s best friend, but Britney does not demonstrate anywhere near as much creativity as Rachel.

Chloe also has particular difficulty with Britney. After Britney, Chloe is one of Gayle’s closer friends—but without all the drama. Chloe and Gayle love getting together on and off-campus as well as trading text messages. But whenever Britney has the opportunity, she tries to undermine Chloe’s friendship with Gayle. A common tactic Britney uses is the need to tell Gayle a secret. Chloe has noticed that whenever she is having a conversation with Gayle, Britney creates a reason to pull Gayle away. “Gayle, I have something really important to tell you. Chloe, I need to talk to Gayle alone about something private.” More than once, words like these have pulled Gayle away from Chloe and Chloe’s frustration with Britney has been increasing.

This past week, Chloe and Gayle have been spending even more time together and Britney’s efforts reached a new ethical low on Thursday. At recess, Chloe, Gayle, Britney and a bunch of other fifth-graders were playing a game that involved tagging. At one point Chloe tagged Britney and Britney yelled, “Gayle! Chloe just told me she only tagged me because she wanted to get me away from you!” Chloe froze in shock and then denied it. “Yes you did, Chloe. I wouldn’t lie to my best friend!” Chloe continued to protest but Britney remained adamant. Gayle didn’t seem to know how to respond and Chloe was worried Gayle was most inclined to believe Britney. When Chloe got home, she was absolutely distraught. She felt deeply wronged by Britney but didn’t know what to do. She felt Gayle would be most inclined to believe her best friend Britney, despite all the ostentatious deviousness. Chloe was also frustrated by how easily she could be caught off guard by Britney without knowing what to say. Amelia and I tried to help Chloe by listening and offering suggestions but our words only managed to frustrate Chloe further. We didn’t know what to expect on Friday.

But Friday brought a true surprise. I arrived at home a little early for the Memorial Day weekend and I saw Chloe sitting on our front porch with a brown-haired girl whose back was turned toward me. But as I emerged from my car, I soon discovered Chloe was sitting there with Gayle. The two had planned a sleepover at Gayle’s house and were expecting Gayle’s mother to return from shopping any moment to pick them up. The two walked up to me to greet me. “Hello Gayle,” I said while Chloe stood tall facing me with a confident smile. The two went back and forth explaining their plans to me. And I relished in Chloe’s private social victory. Not long after, Gayle’s mother arrived and drove off with the two girls.

In the house, Amelia gave me the background I could not ask Chloe in front of Gayle. After school the two girls had exchanged texts and discovered neither had plans until late the following morning. Chloe proposed getting together and Gayle had countered with the idea of a sleepover at her house that Chloe had quickly accepted. It was certainly an impressive turn-around from the previous day.

At this point in time it is difficult to imagine how the social hierarchy will play out, especially as middle school comes upon these girls in full force. But I have some predictions. Gayle will hold onto her status at the top of the hierarchy without ever needing to resort to cruelty or aggression. Rachel will continue to hold her position near the top by stepping on anyone who challenges her. Britney may or may not maintain her “best friend” status with Gayle, but I think there is a high possibility Britney’s cruelty and aggression will backfire upon her. Britney lacks even the basic level of craftiness that Rachel exhibits and eventually other, craftier aggressive social climbers will successfully claw their way past Britney. One such winner may be Patty, who is certainly kind to friends like Chloe but wouldn’t be afraid to do what it takes to keep someone like Britney in line. With friends like Gayle and Patty on her side, Chloe will find a place where she is comfortable. At least, that is my prediction for now on how the tension between friendship and social standing will play out.

How Kids Are Resilient

2011-05-22T15:16:00.000-07:00

For the past few months our family has been volunteering at a local family shelter. Over the next two years, Philip will be journaling about his experiences and interactions there to meet one of the requirements for his honors program at Hermes High School. Today we spent about ninety minutes at the shelter decorating cookies with kids between the ages of four and nine. Like Philip, I volunteered at a family shelter when I was in high school. It gave me a view of life I would not otherwise have seen. Some thirty years later, I am viewing life at a family shelter with an older set of eyes.

What strikes me the most about the family shelter is how much fun the kids seem to have and how happy the kids seem to be. There is a large common playground and a large common kitchen and dining hall. A cork board displays a calendar of activities for the kids, including both weekly and one-time events. At the three events we have helped with so far, the kids seem not only happy but committed to one another’s happiness. One seven-year-old girl Tracy takes particular interest in the younger children. While I sat outside repairing bikes one day, a pair of boys wanted to sit close to me and watch. Tracy helped the boys overcome their hesitations and explained everything I was doing. She also made sure the boys didn’t touch anything that might hurt them. When we managed the Easter Egg Hunt, all the older children took it upon themselves to make sure each of the younger children filled their baskets. There was not the slightest evidence of bullying.

The adults at the family shelter are a different story. Whether they are there as a result of bad fortune, bad choices or some combination thereof, living at a family shelter rather than in a more common living situation is frustrating and embarrassing. I have never seen an adult overtly take out that frustration on a child. In fact, the parents at the shelter seem to be going the extra mile with their kids. But I can see the weight of their situation on each adult’s face. The men seem to take it the hardest.

Recently, my wife Amelia read Farewell to Manzanar, the memoir of Jeanne Wakatsuki Houston who spent a window of her childhood living at one of the internment camps established for Japanese-Americans during the Second World War. Despite the unfair treatment, economic challenges and restrictions on freedom, the years at the internment camp proved to be this woman’s happiest childhood memories. There was something special about the closeness and the effort to band together. It was a sense of community she wanted to find a way to recreate for her own children but never fully succeeded in her own mind.

Kids enjoy going to the playground, making quick and possibly short-lived friendships and simply playing, especially in large groups. They love being on sports teams together. Even the ones with less athletic prowess love being part of sports teams. Events with lots of kids like birthday parties, beach trips, camping trips and barbeques are thrilling for kids.

As adulthood approaches and takes hold, the desire for autonomy becomes progressively stronger. Philip now spends hours inside his bedroom with the door closed. While young adults are comfortable sharing apartments in cramped quarters, older adults do not merely want their own home, they want a house: ideally a house with lots of square-footage and lots of acreage.

As I look at Tracy and the other kids living at the family shelter, I expect they are forming great memories. But I also think they are burying various forms of stress to process later in life. No matter how much parents want to protect their kids from adult troubles, some always manages to penetrate. But at manageable levels, the buried stress does not need to emerge in the form of unhealthy behavior. And when offset by the joys and benefits of community, Tracy and her peers are probably much better off spending a few months at the family shelter than most would expect. I’m looking forward to future interactions at the family shelter and also to reading Philip’s thoughts as he journals these experiences.

The Friendship Matrix

2011-04-30T23:06:00.000-07:00

I find one particular tension is the most complicated and difficult part of parenting. While I want the home and family to be a safe and nurturing place for Philip and Chloe, coddling them is not an option. I need to expose them to the kinds of challenges and adversities they will eventually face as adults, so that they are properly prepared for what will come. How much I protect them, how much I withdraw my protection and how much I orchestrate adversity is a delicate task.

The biggest thing I want to train them to manage well in life is relationships. With middle school coming quickly, Chloe is beginning to encounter what is probably the most difficult peer environment one ever encounters relative to one’s maturity. We’ve worked hard to ensure Chloe’s best relationships have been well maintained as well as cultivated. Patty and Holly have proven to be the best and most desirable friends among Chloe’s peers. Patty goes to school with Chloe, and Holly does not. What makes Patty and Holly stand out has been that both have proven to be extremely fun and extremely trustworthy.

The remainder of Chloe’s peers fall into what one might describe as a friendship matrix. Some are particularly fun. Some are particularly trustworthy. A few are neither. There is little correlation between the two, although some peers’ untrustworthiness is bad that it undermines how much fun they can be. We’ve worked with Chloe to help her understand the difference and to operate accordingly. Savannah, for example is extremely trustworthy. But Chloe does not have nearly as much fun with Savannah as she has with nearly all other friends. Rita’s daughter Jasmine is a lot of fun, but Chloe knows that Jasmine is not particularly trustworthy. Nonetheless, Chloe spends a lot of time with Jasmine and we are supportive of the friendship. Jasmine’s insensitivity hurts Chloe’s feelings sometimes but Jasmine’s insensitivity has also trained Chloe to set firmer boundaries with others. At this point, Chloe uses what she has learned about boundary-setting when dealing with Jasmine.

Jasmine is manipulative. A lot of kids are manipulative. She tends to remember promises made to her while forgetting promises she had made. When confronted, she tends to argue that she “really meant” or “really said” something else. While some of Jasmine’s words and actions cause Amelia and I to groan, we have not shut Jasmine out of Chloe’s life. Instead, we use the relationship to train Chloe how to manage people who are manipulative like Jasmine. When the two were deciding upon a movie, Jasmine at first claimed she didn’t want to see Insideous because it was “a bad movie” but later the same day when the two learned Patty was planning to see Insideous, Jasmine began to praise Insideous without admitting Patty’s presence was influencing her values.

Such behavior is frustrating for Chloe. She reviews Jasmine’s words and actions with me or with Amelia whenever they violate what Chloe considers the dividing line between right and wrong. But such small violations of one’s moral and ethical compass happen with regularity throughout life. Those who cannot handle the grayness of the world at large live in a state of constant frustration. Or worse, they fail to embrace a moral and ethical compass. Those who can accept and even navigate the grayness of the world at large while still living by a personal, high code are not only the strongest adults I know, they are also the most capable of finding meaning and happiness whenever a beacon of light cuts through that grayness.

With middle school now only months away for Chloe, I know the difficult behaviors she encounters and the associated hurt she experiences are going to increase in both frequency and severity. This last year before middle school is a time for her to develop the life skill of navigating through the grayness before that heavy grayness settles in for a three-year tenure. Regardless of how bad it gets at Hermes Middle School, Chloe will always have her home, her brother and her parents as a safe refuge. And backing that up, she’ll have her very fun and very trustworthy friends, Patty and Holly.

The Toxic Allure of Tiger-Mothering (Part 4) Verbal and Social Confidence

2011-04-29T21:28:00.000-07:00

An unfortunately over-effective means of prosecuting one’s case to the public is to present it in an “either-or” manner. Amy Chua has championed her authoritarian parenting style, Tiger-Mothering, by claiming the sole alternative is a permissive parenting style she calls “Western Parenting” – which she indeed successfully argues against. Two weeks after Chua’s essay was published, Dr. Wednesday Martin of Psychology Today debunked Chua’s “either-or” argument with solid research that favored authoritative parenting over both authoritarian parenting and permissive parenting. What is the difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting? It is a warm relationship. An authoritative parent holds his or her children to high standards, but would never do something cold or crass like tear up a hand-made birthday card no matter how poorly the birthday card was crafted.

While children reared in authoritarian households often display many impressive competencies as adults, the most obviously missing competencies are verbal and social confidence. Chua asks us to look at the “stereotypical” Chinese child or adult raised by a tiger mother. She expects us to be impressed with the stereotype. Instead, most of us cringe. The most obvious missing element is relationship skills. As I look at my adult peers in the professional world, I see no shortage of “smart” people. But what is woefully lacking is true leadership skills. Leadership is the most challenging of all relationship skills.

Chua forbids play-dates, summer camp and acting in school plays. She doesn’t necessarily explain why each is forbidden. School plays seem to be forbidden because there is no way to quantify success and Ms. Chua is only interested in success that can be quantified. She has no means to measure the value of the verbal confidence that is built participating in a school play. In the cases of play-dates and summer camp, her problem seems to be a less-than-authoritarian training atmosphere.

In our home, we put large amounts of effort into ensuring Chloe and Philip develop healthy relationships—not merely so they can have fun—but so they can develop those ever so important relationship skills. Amelia and I invest a large amount of time talking to Philip and Chloe about their peers and their peers’ parents and how individual and group interactions play out in both individual situations as well as overall. From time to time a peer has dysfunctional relationship skills. Occasionally, the dysfunction is biological. But normally the dysfunction can be traced to the parents who are too authoritarian, too permissive or simply dysfunctional themselves. This makes for important teaching moments as we review the stories Chloe and Philip bring home. Alternatively, we sometimes encounter a child with a biological handicap whose parents invest heavily and patiently to help the child manage his or her handicap, and the results are often very impressive. These situations become converse teaching moments in which Chloe and Philip can learn about the power of overcoming one’s own weaknesses.

Admittedly, Chua’s authoritarian approach to social development is in many ways superior to what permissive parents do. Permissive parents merely let everything happen. They do not steer their kids toward emotionally healthy peers and away from the emotionally unhealthy ones. Under Chua’s roof, her kids learn to interact with adults, whereas under a permissive parenting model, kids mainly socialize with other kids. Permissive parents wonder why their kids shun their parents and other adults in favor of their peers at progressively earlier ages. I am not merely speaking about a teenager’s natural need to establish his or her personal life independently from the family of origin. The age old complaint “what is wrong with kids these days?” can be directly attributed to permissiveness in the social realm.

Still, I see Chua and her Tiger-Mothering model as lazy. Chua merely shuts the door on meaningful peer interaction. An authoritative parent manages the interactions and provides very meaningful direction whereas an authoritarian Tiger-Mother, simply forbids interactions that have the potential to promote permissiveness.

With Chloe, for example, we’ve had to teach her to accept the fact that not all her peers or peers’ families will operate according to the values we are teaching her. It can be frustrating for Chloe at times, but I believe it is going a long way toward Chloe being able to operate as a successful adult. She needs to develop the skill of managing which peers she can trust and which peers she cannot trust. And she is discovering that the trustworthiness of a peer does not always correlate with how much fun the peer is. The children of authoritarian parents and permissive parents normally don’t learn this important lesson until much later in life.

With all that said, Chloe’s experience navigating the awkward world of tween girl relationships relative to others deserves its own post without the necessity to rebut Amy Chua’s arguments in the process. In the meantime, I trust four posts in responding to Ms. Chua’s alluring arguments have been sufficient to get any reader thinking intelligently without succumbing to any kind of either-or trap. With that, I am pleased to move onward to new topics.

Prom: A Guy Needs to Ask with Style

2011-04-24T20:09:00.000-07:00

October 4, 2005 is a day that probably almost nobody remembers as special. But its impact on high school prom season is starting to hold out against the test of time. On that day MTV first aired the Our Last Prom episode of their popular series, Laguna Beach. During the first half of the episode, one after another the high school girls from Laguna Beach enjoyed the surprise of being asked to prom in unique and creative ways. In theory it should have been another fun episode for fans to watch. But instead it had a cascading effect. According to Unhooked author, Laura Sessions Stepp, high school girls suddenly had raised expectations about how they would be asked to prom. By the 2006 prom season some six months later, high school boys in upscale, middle class and even economically depressed communities were either going the extra mile or they were being rebuffed.

For high school boys willing to be creative and to shed all self-consciousness, there is a huge advantage and a real opportunity to outflank the competition. Even official boyfriends are held to the standard. Asking a girlfriend to Prom is only a notch below asking a girlfriend for marriage. For the high school guys who were already taxed with the idea of approaching a safe girl acquaintance to ask “Will you go to the Prom with me?” the odds of being rebuffed have gone up significantly.

Last year, the phenomenon made one daring high school senior a sudden national celebrity and proved how social networking tools can be used to catalyze a connection that only a few years prior would have been impossible. Connor Cordova of Littleton Colorado posted a humorous but very sincere video on YouTube in which he asked supermodel Arianny Celeste to be his Prom date. Technologies like Google Alerts ensured Arianny found out about the video. At first, the supermodel ignored the unknown teenager. But he followed up with other outreach efforts such as making T-shirts for him and his friends to wear to Arianny’s events. Eventually the two were trading texts via Twitter and in the end she was game to be his date for one special evening. The whole story included several exciting twists and turns before Connor had Arianny smiling and relaxing in his arms on the dance floor. For high school students, it re-ignited the expectation for guys to ask girls to Prom with style.

At this point, it is difficult to tell what is happening on a broad scale during this Prom season, but I have been thoroughly enjoying my peaks at Formspring to learn how the quasi-romantic ritual of Junior Senior Prom is playing out at Hermes High School. For example, one of Philip’s Sophomore Class girl-peers was asked to prom by a guy who brought a bouquet of flowers to school and asked her in front of everyone in her first period class. One of the Junior Class players on Philip’s lacrosse team rolled up a secret note and stuck it into a balloon before filling it with Helium to give to another one of Philip’s girl-peers during lunch break. She took the balloon with some suspicion and then noticed the note inside. A loud pop later the girl had the note in hand and had accepted his invitation. But my favorite story so far is what happened with Philip’s Junior Class peers Jocelyn and Conrad.

As noted in previous posts, teenagers are quite crafty in their use of Formspring. They sometimes post anonymous questions to themselves just so they can answer. I do not know who posted the question to Jocelyn but as soon as I read her answer, I knew Jocelyn was throwing down the proverbial gauntlet.

Formspring Question: Who are you going to Prom with? How did they ask you or you ask them?

Jocelyn’s Answer: I still don’t know! So far it has only been guys who say “wanna go to prom with me” so I have respectfully declined.

The above question and answer appeared on Formspring on Tuesday evening. By Thursday evening Jocelyn’s Formspring page revealed Conrad had asked her to the Prom and that she had accepted. For a few days what Conrad said and did remained a mystery, at least to those of us who only know what appears online. But even without the details, I was quietly celebrating Jocelyn’s and Conrad’s joint success. I would have never expected these two to pair off in any way but hindsight now reveals just how much the two have in common in terms of their humor and highly outgoing personalities. I had no doubt Conrad knew just how to give Jocelyn her dream prom-ask and was brave enough to provide it. Jocelyn’s Formspring post probably gave Conrad confidence she would not make a fool of him, provided he was willing to be daring. As it turned out, Conrad bought a large bouquet of flowers after school got out, drove to Jocelyn’s house, rang the doorbell with flowers in hand, and when she came to the door he asked her to the Prom.

For Jocelyn, Conrad and many other students at Hermes High School, Prom 2011 will be a fantastic memory. Along with it, many will also fondly look back upon the stylish manner in which each respective guy orchestrated a special invitation to win over his date for that one special high school evening. With Philip now just a Sophomore, I wish the same kinds of memories for him in 2012 and 2013.

Interested but Certainly Not Ready

2011-03-31T23:17:00.000-07:00

Chloe is now almost twelve years old and she is decidedly interested in boys. At any given time, Ryan, Wren, David or Brett is the object of Chloe’s interest. It makes me think back to when I was still a tween and my heart was set on a younger tween in my neighborhood named Shelli. Shelli was quite the little firecracker. She looked like a miniature version of then-starlet Suzanne Summers. She was extremely athletic and outgoing. She wore her shoulder-length blond hair down, in a pony tail or in pinky tails, always keeping it varied. At times, Chloe reminds me of Shelli.

It was the autumn of my seventh grade year. I was playing football for the first time and wasn’t particularly good at the game yet. A few of us like my friend Ken were good. Most of us like me were playing for the first time at the age of either twelve or thirteen. As a group we were particularly poor at maintaining hold of the ball. Nearly every time one of us got tackled, the player in question would lose control of the ball. For anyone not familiar with the game of football, that is called a fumble and it means the other team can get control of the ball and even run with it. Coach Carmichael was getting frustrated or at least he was acting that way.

“None of you knows how to hold a football! Here’s how you hold a football! You hold it like it’s a boob!”

I wasn’t sure I had heard Coach Carmichael’s last word correctly. Ken who had certainly heard the coach correctly but also knew most of us were unsure spoke up, “Say that just one more time, coach.”

“I said you need to hold a football like it’s a boob. Hold it like you would hold a girl’s tit.” He held the football with one point buried into the thin gap between his right arm and his chest and the other point in the index finger of his right hand so that his palm and most of his fingers were beneath the football and his thumb clasped down from the top. He explained what he was doing detail, always referring back to his original analogy.

All of us were mesmerized. The idea that there was a “correct” technique associated with handling a girl’s breast so that she would enjoy the experience and that one could likewise handle a girl’s breast in a way she wouldn’t like was news to me at least. From that day onward, nobody wanted to fumble the football when tackled because it meant that the boy who fumbled didn’t know how to handle a girl’s breast. As a result our team hardly ever fumbled. When somebody did fumble, a crowd of teammates would take it upon themselves to repeat Coach Carmichael’s imparted wisdom in every detail.

The fact that tween boys take a sudden and intense interest in girls’ breasts is no secret. The fact that tween boys and girls like Chloe take a sudden interest in one another is no secret either. The mystery is why. As a parent, I am baffled as to why God, nature or evolution arranged things so that in the process of growing up, very intense interest emerges long before one is even close to ready. Back at my school years and years ago, there was an entire middle school football team of boys including me each of whom was not only confident he could maintain hold of a football when tackled by a varsity player, he was also confident he was ready to satisfy a tween or even a teen girl with the correct fondling technique. Or at least we all acted that way around one another. But only a few weeks later the little firecracker, Shelli, put my confidence to the test.

We never went on a date. We didn’t get ice cream or go to a movie. After school, we rode bikes in the large parking lots of our condominium association. We played kickball, dodgeball and foursquare. On hot days we swam in the pool. There were three tween boys and three tween girls including me and the little firecracker living in our neighborhood. On the first Saturday in November, I found myself alone with Shelli. I don’t remember what we said but we agreed to kiss. It was a quick peck. She also wanted to check me out and agreed to let me check her out in exchange. A week later I found myself alone with her again. In the week since we had seen one another, she had a made a decision. “I want to go to second base together,” she said firmly. She had the exact location picked out in the woods far behind our buildings. I walked alongside her and repeated all of Coach Carmichael’s words to myself in my head. But when the little firecracker lifted up her shirt to get what she had asked for there was nothing that resembled the dimensions of a football. In all likelihood my chest had more mass. Shelli leaned against a fallen tree and wanted me to approach her from the front rather than behind as Coach Carmichael has instructed. I decided to approach from the side with my right hand.

The whole interaction was extremely awkward. I mumbled some words of affection and attraction. The little firecracker had gone silent. We had trouble making eye contact once we were finished. Nothing intimate ever happened between us after that day. Instead we had trouble speaking with one another. When the larger crowd of tweens would gather, I would try to hang close to her but she would act like she didn’t see me. At other times we reversed roles and I was the coy one while she hopelessly sought some kind of validation I was too afraid to give. A few months later Shelli moved to a different neighborhood. We would see one another from time to time in the years that followed but never gathered the courage to talk. It wasn’t until thirty years later when we connected on Facebook that we were able to discuss what happened, admit to our regrets but also admit that we were both long since over the matter and that our discussion was the final act of closure. The only thing I don’t regret was that Shelli was my first kiss.

Parents including me put a lot of energy into protecting their kids from the kind of interaction that happened between me and Shelli for the simple and explicit reason that tweens are not ready to be intimate. The majority of parents have rules. Some parents have particularly strict rules. For the strict parents, the solution is to keep the boys and girls away from one another for as long as possible. Technically, Amelia and I have rules too. But while most parents merely forbid, Amelia and I want to give Chloe appropriate and satisfying outlets for those feelings that somehow have come long before she is ready for a serious and intimate relationship. It is why we take her to dances and even reward her for mustering the courage to ask a handsome boy to dance.

If I could go back to either of those days with Shelli long ago, instead of doing what I did, I wish I could ask her if we could spend more time kissing and talking. I wish we could have agreed to talk on the telephone together and maybe even go for walks holding hands. Things certainly would have been different. But I did not have the social confidence to say or do those things. And perhaps that is the difference between my generation and Coach Carmichael’s generation. His generation championed the sexual revolution. In contrast, my generation is championing healthy relationship skills. We’ll see how we do.

The Toxic Allure of Tiger-Mothering (Part 3) Gender and Co-Parenting

2011-03-26T20:49:00.000-07:00

It has now been two and half months since the Wall Street Journal published Amy Chua’s essay, Why Chinese Mothers are Superior. While there are many aspects of Chua’s parenting philosophy which deserve solid rebuttal, this post is solely focused on Chua’s gender bias. Her bias emerges immediately in the very title of her essay. It is not Chinese parents who are superior but Chinese mothers.

This is a charged subject for a number of reasons. To begin with, in nearly every two parent household, the division of parenting duties is never equal. And while I do not have any data in front of me, if one were to somehow measure parenting activity as divided between fathers and mothers, I have no doubt mothers (even working mothers) put in more hours of parenting activity than fathers. Second, not every child is raised by his or her father and mother. There are plenty of blended families, single-parent families, same-gender-parent families and other non-traditional families. Chloe has one friend from her basketball team for example who is being raised by her aunt and her grandfather. Advocates for womens’ rights, LGBT rights as well as those who advocate traditional family values would be quick contribute an opinion on this subject that could easily be inflammatory. So at risk of being inflammatory, myself, I am going to tackle this charged subject.

First, while gender differences are real, I believe those differences should never be artificially amplified. In contrast, I believe reasonable (but not ridiculous) efforts should be made to promote gender equality. As Amelia and I have been raising our eldest, Philip, and we have set rules and privileges for him, an important part in our decision-making process has been whether we would be willing to apply the same rules and privileges to Chloe when she reaches the same age. Whenever the answer was no, Amelia and I would normally continue deliberating until we came up with a plan in which the answer to that question was yes. In contrast, Chua’s rules state “Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school” rather than “Chinese kids cannot date until after high school.” The idea that the rules for girls should be stricter than the rules for boys (or vice versa) is both unfair and counter-productive even though for example high school girls may face greater threats on average than high school boys.

Second, I believe the healthiest family model in which a child can be raised is a single household that contains the child’s biological mother and father with any siblings from the same mother and father. That does not mean that I think the alternatives, even vastly different alternatives such as same-gender-parent households, are wrong. Instead I believe that parents who raise a child under a different model need to find ways to compensate. And my observation is most such parents not only compensate but do a good job compensating. Proactive single mothers and “two mom” families, for example, make extra effort to connect their sons and daughters with responsible, emotionally-healthy adult men. And the converse is true for single fathers and “two dad” families.

Finally, I believe values of both parents and the perspective of both genders should all play a material role in the parental decision-making process. For single parents and same-gender parents, getting at least one trusted adult advisor of the opposite gender is part of a responsible compensation plan, regardless of the child’s gender. While one parent (usually the mother) may put significantly more hours into parenting than the other, those same two parents need to collaborate more equally on the decision-making process of how to raise their child. In contrast, Chua feels completely comfortable and justified shutting out the man who is both her husband and her daughters’ father from both parenting activity and decision-making. Instead, Chua rolls her eyes and belittles her husband’s concerns when he voices them.

Chua accuses “western” parents of being lazy. But which takes more time, effort and thought: Making all the decisions oneself or genuinely involving another person? It is a rhetorical question, of course. The lazy parents are the ones who leave all the parental decision-making to just one parent. The lazy mother is the one who simply shuts her ears to her husband’s concerns rather than considering and even soliciting another perspective. The lazy mother (or father) does not want to take the time to work out a plan that brings out the best of all perspectives. If something is missing in a child’s life, responsible parents compensate while lazy parents merely follow their impulses. When dealing with the differences between teenage boys and teenage girls, lazy parents cannot be bothered with the effort it takes to promote gender equality. All this is to say good proactive parenting takes a lot of thought, reflection, work and most importantly interaction. Each child is unique enough that an inflexible set of rules like the ones Chua advocates can never be what is best; they can only be the easiest.

As I read Chua’s essay, I realize it is not merely the children of tiger-mothering who suffer and miss out. I feel very sorry for Chua’s husband and I also feel sorry for Amy Chua. While it has been a lot of work, the process of co-parenting with Amelia has been one of the most joyful parts of our relationship and it is something Chua and her husband will never know.

The Tame Teen Culture of Grinding and Social Networking

2011-03-20T10:10:00.000-07:00

On March 4th the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) released a report that showed (with two interesting exceptions) a significant drop in teen sex between two studies for which the data was only five years apart. I’ve copied the CDC’s figures for teenagers ages 15 – 17 into the tables below. In a way, the numbers communicate more than anything I or anyone else could write in comment.

Heterosexual Sex: Ages 15 – 17	Boys 2002	Boys 2006-8	Boys’ Drop	Girls 2002	Girls 2006-8	Girls’ Drop
Vaginal Sex	36.3%	31.8%	4.5%	38.7%	33.0%	5.7%
Any Oral Sex	44.0%	35.0%	9.0%	42.0%	30.2%	11.8%
Gave Oral Sex	30.4%	22.5%	7.9%	28.2%	25.1%	3.1%
Received Oral Sex	38.0%	33.4%	4.6%	40.3%	26.8%	13.5%
Anal Sex	8.1%	6.2%	1.9%	5.6%	7.0%	------
No Heterosexual Contact	46.8%	53.2%	7.4%	50.2%	60.3%	10.1%

Additional Sexual

Data: Ages 15 - 17

Boys

2002

Boys

2006-8

Boys’

Drop

Girls 2002

Girls

2006-8

Girls’

Drop

Homosexual Sex

3.9%

1.7%

2.2%

8.4%

10.3%

------

No Sexual Contact

46.1%

52.6%

6.5%

48.6%

58.2%

9.6%

When I read these numbers I was shocked. What had caused such a dramatic demographic shift in behavior in such a short period of time? Nobody knows the answer, at least not at this point. But it reminds me of the dramatic cultural shift one saw take place in the opposite direction between the mid-1950s and the late 1960s, but at the speed of the internet rather than the speed of television.

For the most part, I am happy with the above numbers. Most proactive parents probably share my overall approval of what these numbers communicate. I am really only disturbed by the rise in anal sex among teenage girls. Given the anal sex rate for teenage boys dropped, the rise among teenage girls almost certainly means it is older male partners—men, not boys—who are practicing anal sex with an increasing percentage of underage girls.

Teenagers as a population are deeply conflicted on the subject of sex. They want to stay far away from pregnancy and STDs, but their adolescent brain and body chemistries scream for intimacy and gratification. They want their first intimate experiences to be positive, meaningful memories, but they don’t want to wait for what seems like forever either. They want to be thought of well, but teens are bullied not only for being seen as easy or promiscuous but also for being seen as frigid or undesirable. Family, educational institutions, the popular media, religious institutions, interest groups and even the government send them no shortage of messages on the topic. And lastly but perhaps most importantly, they feel a tension between their natural curiosity and their natural cautiousness.

So why did such a big change happen over such a short period of time? While I do not claim to know the answers, I believe this change is the result of other changes in the world at large.

The first change is the fact that teens are communicating more and expressing themselves more openly to a progressively broader audience, most notably as a result of the emergence of social networks. Today, before two teenagers ever meet, they may be very aware of one another from browsing Facebook. If not, they can quickly learn quite a bit through the same medium shortly after meeting. Facebook alone re-adjusts the tension between curiosity and caution; Facebook satisfies a large amount of curiosity while potentially evoking quite a lot of caution.

The second change is improved access to ideas and information through the internet. Social networks in particular broadcast the stories of others’ experiences. Anecdotal stories from known individuals have significantly higher credibility than any educational materials from a school, or propaganda from a government, religious institution or interest group. The stories of real peers can easily overshadow well-crafted teen fiction in the popular media. The growth and maturation of the internet also means teens can do their own research without even leaving home and come to their own conclusions about the pleasures and dangers of teen sex. I suspect this is the reason far fewer boys and far more girls are comfortable experimenting with homosexuality as teenagers, as well as why more teens are remaining abstinent while at the same time more teen girls are engaging in anal sex. These are only apparent contradictions.

The above two changes stem from technological advancement. This last reason is a cultural shift that cannot be attributed to technology. It is the emergence of “grinding” as a common and accepted practice both on the high school dance floor, as well as in more private settings. The popular media has already caught on to this trend. Grinding among teens appears on both racy serials like Weeds, as well as wholesome serials like Glee as a means for teens committed to abstinence to enjoy sexual intimacy while remaining abstinent. The CDC did not survey teens on the subject of “grinding” but I would expect they would have found a dramatic increase over the same time period that would have far off-set the other declines.

While various interests in the larger society try to control or at least influence teens, I would conclude teens are taking control of their own destinies and choices more than ever before. Parents like me seem generally happy with the outcome, even if we are shocked, confused and sometimes even horrified by the “grinding” that happens on and off the high school dance floor.

Sept '05 CDC Report ('02 data) - See Tables 3 & 4 on pages 21 & 22 of the PDF
Mar '11 CDC Report ('06 - '08 data) - See Table 7 on page 38 of the PDF

The Toxic Allure of Tiger-Mothering (Part 2) Motivation

2011-02-28T22:45:00.000-08:00

In her January 8th, Wall Street Journal essay, Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior, Amy Chua presents an all-too-familiar problem every parent faces. Kids left on their own lack the self-motivation to do anything beyond what comes naturally or with hardly any effort. The solution she claims is Tiger-Mothering, her version of how conventional Chinese mothers raise their children.

There are many aspects to Tiger-Mothering which Chua packs into her essay. Her memoir provides even more detail but also discloses how she does not always hold to her own ideal. Nonetheless, the Chua essay has generated a significant amount of debate. How much should parents permit their children to follow their natural impulses? How much pressure should responsible parents put on their children to overcome their inertia? And more importantly, what tactics should responsible parents use to ensure their children do not fall victim to their own lazy nature?

Chua accuses those she describes as conventional Western parents as being “lazy” whenever they do not push past their children’s resistance. While parents who never push their children are lazy, Chua and those who follow her Tiger-Mothering principles are also lazy. By creating a zero-tolerance zero-exceptions policy, Chua and others like her bypass an uncountable number of interactions with their children that take time, thought and effort at the expense of their kids’ emotionally healthy development. In the most simple terms, an extremist position like the one Chua advocates takes very little thought and only occasional time and effort.

Additionally, Chua applies little to no moral or ethical compass when it comes to pursuing her narrow objectives. She threatens to take back gifts and cancel celebrations. She denies her daughters bathroom breaks and advocates any use of fear, shame, guilt or manipulation. She never appeals to her kids’ own sense of values. She simply stands upon her own totalitarian parental authority. Perhaps the only thing Chua does not do to achieve her ends is give her daughters physical beatings.

My own position is not the opposite, but relies heavily upon my own moral and ethical compass. So to begin with, fear, shame, guilt and manipulation are toxic. Leveraging these toxic drivers is a counterfeit producer of desired behavior because the desired behavior is either short-lived or soon joined by a different set of undesired behaviors that are the fallout of physical, emotional and psychological abuse. And this kind of abuse is generational. Adult children of such abuse are inclined to inflict the same kind of abuse on their own children, and justify that abuse to themselves and those around them by the subset of outcomes that are desirable.

But I do not advocate the opposite extreme. While I do not behave in a manipulative manner or manufacture fear, shame or guilt, I do not completely shelter my children from normal life situations in which these kinds of feelings could in theory come into play. A very emotionally healthy person can feel these emotions, especially guilt, when they violate their own moral or ethical compass. And while my kids are still living under my roof, I put a lot of effort into ensuring they build their own moral and ethical compass and have the tools to continue doing so long after they leave my home.

A key part of the equation is goals. Successful, emotionally healthy adults set challenging goals for themselves. Left on their own, kids won’t set challenging goals for themselves. But to merely set goals for them is a fallacy of Tiger-Mothering. This is where negotiation comes into play. Chua insists her kids play either the piano or the violin. In fact, it looks like she chose the piano for one and the violin for another. Either way with so few choices, Chua’s girls did not get to set or even negotiate their own goals. They had to either pick or have one chosen for them. The correct thing is to drill down into the actual objective. Perhaps Chua wanted her each of her girls to excel in something artistic that required physical action with concentration. If so, nearly any musical instrument except perhaps the kazoo would suffice. Certainly, it would be more than two. Once an instrument was selected the exact goals with that instrument in question could also be negotiated. These are the kinds of interactions lazy parents bypass.

In our family, sports was one such subject of negotiation. We wanted both Philip and Chloe to be physically active, to gain physical confidence and develop some team skills. When Philip got sick of baseball, we required him to find something else and we helped him find lacrosse. When Chloe got sick of soccer, we required her to continue with basketball and to find a replacement for soccer which turned out to be volleyball.

But once a goal is selected, kids will still resist whenever the going gets difficult. It is here where Chua is willing to use whatever means necessary to ensure her kids’ inertia gains no foothold. But is there another way that is better? I believe the answer lies in consequences. Consequences play a large role in how I have dealt with both goals and behavior. Because kids are naturally sheltered from nearly all of life’s consequences until they are adults, parents need to create consequences that are more immediate. The consequences must be situation-appropriate, be clearly stated in advance if at all possible, and most importantly the consequences must actually be carried out.

I am amazed at how many parents threaten huge consequences they would never deliver upon and for such a small infractions. Chua told her daughter that she would have “no birthday parties for … four years” if she did not learn how to play a piano piece called The Little White Donkey “perfect” by the next day. In my home, I deliver on all my threats and as a result I rarely need to deliver. I can only achieve this by making threats on which I would actually deliver. At one point before Philip was even ten years old he was fascinated by my grandfather’s fraternity paddle from the 1930s. As such when a particularly egregious behavior manifested I told Philip that if he ever did that again, he would get one firm slap on his bare buttocks with the fraternity paddle, and ensured he agreed in advance that it was an appropriate punishment. It turned out to be the biggest threat I have ever had to carry out. When the behavior repeated itself, I looked at him in astonishment. But I had meant what I said. I asked him if he wanted the punishment immediately and he did. It hurt. Philip cried and I held him and told him it was over. And it was over: On both sides. Philip never manifested that behavior ever again.

Working with your kids to set their own goals and to set consequences for failures and wrong behavior takes work and requires several adjustments as they age. It requires delivering on all threats when necessary and making sure every threat is something a responsible parent would actually deliver upon. It has taken a lot of work and we are still not done. Sometimes, I can see the appeal of the zero-tolerance zero-exceptions policy. But I’ve learned there is a better way and in this last stretch of parenting, I plan to stick to it.

Popular Teens: How Do They Gain and Maintain Their Status?

2011-02-26T10:44:00.000-08:00

Now that my formal education is long since over, works published in academic journals do not normally catch my attention. The February 2011 issue of the American Sociological Review proved a very interesting exception. In it Professors Robert Faris and Diane Felmlee of UC Davis empirically verified something we generally know about popular teenagers but also discovered some things we do not generally know.

Is anyone surprised to learn that popular teenagers are mean toward other teenagers? If we have somehow forgotten our own teen years, the entertainment industry is there to remind us with movies like Mean Girls, American Pie, The Clique and Odd Girl Out as well as television series like Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, Pretty Little Liars, and Degrassi.

Faris and Felmlee use the word Aggression to describe three types of behaviors that increase among teens as they become progressively popular: physical aggression, direct verbal aggression and indirect verbal aggression (spreading gossip). These findings stand in sharp contrast to psychological research that attributes aggressive behavior to teens who are social outsiders, not social insiders. And then there is one finding that shatters the stereotype completely. Their research shows teens at the zenith of popularity (roughly the top 2%) are not mean or aggressive at all. If we think back hard to our own teen years, perhaps many of us can remember these kinder, gentler highly popular teens and anecdotally confirm what has only been recently documented empirically. I certainly can.

While I have not conducted any kind of study that would qualify as viable research, I believe my anecdotal observations can explain some of these findings, fill in some gaps, and paint a more complete picture. Most importantly, since being more popular in and of itself is desirable and as long as a teen does not attain his or her increased popularity through acts of cruelty or leverage his or her popularity for destructive ends, its pursuit should be encouraged.

While I agree that popular teens behave aggressively toward other teenagers according to the pattern Faris and Felmlee outline, it is not the first thing I have noticed about their social behavior. Instead what is most noticeable is how much effort they put into validating other teenagers. As teenagers become more popular, acts of validation become almost an obsession. They want to pair themselves off with nearly everyone in photographs. They post all kinds of warm, friendly messages to others on social networking sites like Facebook and Formspring. And regarding the school sports teams, they are the ones who provide constant praise to the high performers and constant encouragement to the under performers as both teammates and fans on the sidelines. When Philip’s birthday rolled around, the first two people to wish him “happy birthday” on Facebook were Noah (the most popular guy is his class) and Erica (the most popular girl in his class). Their posts both appeared before seven in the morning and were followed by scores of other birthday notes, most of which were from other very popular students. On the other side of the spectrum, when a man in the community died in a motorcycle accident, it was the popular kids like Noah who led the charge in showering his son (a junior at Hermes High School) with words and acts of love, kindness and support and who actively urged others to do likewise.

There are many factors that play into the equation to determine teenage popularity and obviously these differ between boys and girls. These include extroversion, mature youthful features, stature, muscular development, humor, friendliness, personal grooming, intelligence (but not actual academic performance), confidence, speaking skills, financial resources, athletic prowess, social ambition, and (perhaps not last) an adeptness at using aggressive behavior shrewdly.

Here in my mind is the difference between the aggressiveness popular teens exhibit and the aggressiveness marginal teens exhibit, and why Faris and Felmlee’s findings differ so radically from the findings of most psychological research. Put yourself in the shoes of an average teenager and ask yourself who’s aggression would make you feel more victimized: the crazy kid with no friends or the starting quarterback with a beautiful adoring girlfriend? A small public cutting remark from the quarterback would have far more impact than a tirade from the crazy kid.

In my observation, popular teens tend to use aggression with deliberate ends in mind more than they exhibit impulsive acts of aggression, though I have certainly observed the latter quite often. These deliberate ends include testing, self-defense, assertiveness, maintaining the social hierarchy, and (admittedly) entertainment. Here is one example of this kind of deliberateness that I observed from the bleachers. The Hermes lacrosse team was taking a water break. Philip had just finished drinking and was putting his gloves back on. A short distance from Philip, Conrad was holding one of those water bottles that let him squirt water into his mouth without needing to remove his helmet. After drinking up, Conrad aimed a quick squirt of water at Philip. Philip looked up, saw Conrad’s beaming confident smile, and gave Conrad a warm smile and quick laugh in response. Then Conrad squirted Philip a second time. Philip stared back at Conrad with an annoyed look of disapproval while Conrad continued to smile like the Cheshire Cat, and then squirted Philip a third time. Without hesitation, Philip used his lacrosse stick to knock the water bottle out of Conrad’s hand and deliver a few punishing jabs before Conrad got hold of his own stick and was able to successfully parry Philip’s stick-thrusts. Conrad made one attempt to jab Philip back and his attempt was likewise deflected before both smiled and halted their altercation.

It was a very telling exchange. Both Conrad and Philip are popular. Conrad is perhaps half a notch above Philip in the social hierarchy. Conrad’s initial actions served multiple purposes. They were a test, a way to maintain his social position relative to Philip’s and a means of entertainment. Philip’s initial self-restraint and subsequent aggression first validated Conrad and then asserted Philip’s own social position. By the end of the exchange both Conrad and Philip looked impressive to all observers and perhaps their joint status within the overall social order had increased.

Teenagers have varying social ambitions and varying means to achieve their social ambitions. While some things (like height) are completely out of their control, other things (like behavior) are very much within their control to the degree that their maturity can override their impulsiveness. The best steps a parent can take to help their children enjoy the social aspects of their teen years are encouraging their teens to be friendly and validating of others while simultaneously teaching their teens to be shrewdly assertive. Both will normally take effort because most teens are socially cautious by nature. But the effort will be well worth it.

The Toxic Allure of Tiger-Mothering (Part 1) Introduction

2011-02-19T11:16:00.000-08:00

As a proactive parent, I pay attention to the ideas about parenting that garner a large following. Today, the descriptive phrase attracting both praise and vilification is Tiger-Mothering. It started this past January 8th when the Wall Street Journal published Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior by Amy Chua. The essay was excerpted from Chua’s memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother that was released just three days later and has been ranked in the top five in the non-fiction category by the New York Times for four consecutive weeks now.

I read Chua’s essay with fascination and awe. So many individual lines jumped out at me and inside I would respond with a resounding “Yes!” because her words resonated, especially when she challenged the Western parental tendency to accept mediocrity. I was eager to keep reading to see if I could learn anything I would want to apply and was very curious to understand why her strange-sounding parental rules like not permitting her daughters to ever be in a school play might have some merit.

Early in our parenting days, Amelia and I had found a gold mine of parenting wisdom reading about the parenting practices of another great ancient culture: The Jews*. Perhaps Chinese culture also offered values and practices Amelia and I would want to embrace. Philip’s first semester grades had been a disappointment and perhaps behaving more like Chinese parents was just what Amelia and I needed to reverse the situation.

While I understand that Chua’s complete memoir disclosed Chua questioning her conventional practices from time to time and even easing the pressure on her younger daughter, the essay—which is what everyone has read—yielded no ground. So despite Chua’s noble effort to defend the model she mostly embraces, I am disappointed to report that I found nothing of any true value in Chua’s essay. Instead what I found was what I would describe as counterfeit wisdom. It is counterfeit because it seems so very right unless examined critically. Chua’s so-called wisdom is like the most dangerous lies: the lies that contain a significant amount of truth. Each time a resounding “Yes!” bubbled up inside me when reading Chua’s essay, my passionate agreement was evoked because she was describing a real problem. And her general descriptions of her solution looked very promising. Consider the following paragraph from her essay.

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.

Standing alone, the above paragraph earns mostly high marks and nearly all parents would do well to heed Chua’s general counsel. The problem exists with what Chua actual means when she uses words like fortitude, properly, tenacious, excellence, excel and confidence. By the end of her essay, the reader knows what Chua actually means and many readers may wonder if Chua’s solution is the most guaranteed way to rise above mediocrity. Some might conclude that it would be better to accept mediocrity. Others might embrace Chua’s recommendations. And there are those already practicing what Chua advocates who will feel validated by her essay and redouble their efforts.

While I have many friends I like and professional colleagues I respect whose upbringing probably closely matches what Chua advocates and who are likewise either practicing or planning to practice these same techniques with their own children, I still can only conclude these practices are wrong. I am not going on the offensive to defend the mediocrity-enabling practices Chua sees as her lone alternative. Instead, I want to present superior solutions to the problems she correctly identifies. So let me begin as Chua herself began.

Chua began her essay by stating “A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids.” While I neither like nor advocate the use of stereotypes, they can be useful in making a point. Chua wants her kids to be successful kids because she believes that successful kids become successful adults. So what is the stereotypical Chinese-parented adult? Is this adult stereotype the model of successful adulthood? Compare that stereotype to the stereotypical Jewish-parented adult. Without hesitation, I would say the latter is far more successful. With a world population that is roughly one percent of world’s Chinese, Jewish-parented adults emerge with greater frequency as leaders across a broad spectrum of professions than Chinese-parented adults.

If one is going to embrace the parenting practices of a distinct culture, Jewish parents run circles around Chinese parents. Ironically, Chua’s husband is Jewish and both have grown up to be successful professionals. The stereotypical Jewish parent is also strict with the goal of raising a successful adult, but it is a very different kind of strictness. Somehow in Chua’s household, two highly intelligent parents selected the conventional Chinese parenting over the conventional Jewish parenting. Clearly, the allure of Tiger-Mothering is high and its supporting arguments are ancient, deep-rooted and like all forms of abuse have great but subtle power.

I am neither Jewish, nor have I embraced all that I have learned about Jewish parenting practices, and I am certainly not trying to raise either Philip or Chloe to resemble a stereotypical Jewish-parented adult. That said, I have embraced many Jewish parenting practices and combined them with other successful parenting practices, common sense and a willingness to do things differently than all the other parents around me.

Unfortunately, a one thousand word rebuttal to Chua’s essay is insufficient, and I value excellence in parenting too much to tolerate such insufficiency. As such, this is the first in a series of rebuttals targeting Chua’s specifics. Beginning with the topic of Motivation, I will clearly state the problem, critique Chua’s proposed solution and propose a healthy effective alternative that any parent willing to put in the effort can implement. Stay tuned.

*The book in question was The Jewish Phenomenon: Seven Keys to the Enduring Wealth of a People by Steven Silbiger.

Parents and Teachers Surf the Social Networks Too

2011-01-31T20:37:00.000-08:00

The other evening I indulged Chloe by watching Easy A with her. In it, the movie’s protagonist, Olive, a high school senior girl who is perpetuating a false image that she is promiscuous, is shocked to learn that her favorite teacher Mr. Griffith not only knows about all the rumors circulating about her, but also knows just how pervasive those rumors are. How does Mr. Griffith know so much? Mr. Griffith tells Olive he reads his students’ Facebook posts.

Today, parents and teachers tend to fall into one of two very distinct tribes when it comes to the social networking revolution. There are the cyber-reactive and there are the cyber-proactive. The first group observes little more about their teens and their world than previous generations. The second group observes at least a hundred times more, albeit through a distorted lens. Likewise, teens fall into two very distinct tribes. There are the cyber-dabblers and there are the cyber-broadcasters. And there are many more cyber-broadcasters (especially among teen girls) than one might expect.

In his famous work 1984, George Orwell envisioned that hierarchical totalitarian governments would leverage emerging recording, networking and communications technology to forcibly pull very private details about individuals online for an elite few to observe. Orwell never would have guessed that this technology once mature would actually have the converse effect. Private information is pushed not pulled and the pushing is voluntary not forced. Cyber-broadcasters quickly and efficiently promulgate both gossip and their own very private information. Online, a parent or teacher can easily monitor the pulse of the goings-on among high school students thanks to these cyber-broadcasters.

Orwell’s Big Brother government was clearly doing something unethical because it was observing people’s private lives against their will. In contrast, there has historically never been anything unethical about observing what was broadcast in the public domain. But given how much seemingly private information and gossip one can now observe on social networking sites like Facebook and Formspring, are teachers like the fictional Mr. Griffith and parents like me violating an emerging ethic by proactively observing?

I recently struggled with this question. To be fair, I think there are many teens at Hermes High School who would be as shocked and disturbed as the protagonist in Easy A to discover just how much I have observed about them by simply browsing what they and their peers have disclosed online where I can easily see it. If their parents would object to these teens putting this private information online (as many do) would they likewise object to teachers and other parents reading this private information once it appears in the public domain? A recent interaction made me ask myself these very questions.

There were perhaps fifteen parents including me sitting at a large table at a Hermes High School event for parents of students entering the honors program. We were discussing the social networking revolution, how it was affecting our teens and what we were doing about it. One mother said she permitted her daughter to use social networking sites but required her to friend her mother. Another mother said she required her daughter to give her mother her password. And a third mother told the group she knows and uses her daughter’s passwords without her daughter knowing it. When the topic of Formspring and cyber-bullying came up, yet a fourth mother told the group she did not permit her daughter Oleta to use Formsping.

Yikes, I thought. Whether Oleta’s mother knew it or not, Oleta was a serious cyber-broadcaster who had a very active Formspring account that I browsed from time to time. I discovered Oleta’s Formspring account roughly eight months earlier. The chatter about Erica losing her virginity had just started to die down when Erica worked her way back into the center of online and offline gossip by hooking up with two separate senior guys at the same party. While Erica’s hookups on that evening were tame enough to be filmed for a PG-13 movie, they brought Erica a new wave of notoriety. And with that wave, more detail about that evening’s shenanigans emerged. The same two senior guys also hooked up with a second freshman girl: Oleta. And if that wasn’t enough fuel for gossip to embarrass Erica and Oleta, the scope of the girls’ bad judgment was highlighted further when one of those two senior guys was arrested for a felony just two weeks later.

Erica and Oleta’s Formspring pages lit up with cyber-bullying. Erica shut down her Formspring account for months. But Oleta decided to stay online and fight back. And I was extremely impressed with how Oleta fought back with tenacity, courage and grace. She admitted to exercising bad judgment but also made clear her recreational exploits that evening—though wrong—had been quite tame. Oleta further posted that she believed she had learned a valuable lesson from her own error and hoped others would learn from her mistakes. She seemed to never tire answering each anonymous and signed post to her Formspring account from the most judgmental to the most supportive. And over time Oleta’s efforts seemed to pay off because the supportive posts began to far out-shine the judgmental ones.

I expect it was around a month after the actual hookups when Oleta’s mother saw the posts, experienced her own Yikes moment, learned a little bit about Formspring and then forbid Oleta from using Formspring. But Oleta never actually shut down her Formspring account. Instead she simply went silent for a few weeks. Once she got back on, Oleta resumed her cyber-broadcasting lifestyle. I’ve particularly enjoyed reading Oleta’s posts on Formspring because she’s displayed an unusually high level of depth and insight, and she’s proven in my eyes that it isn’t just in made-for-television movies that a victim of cyber-bullying can emerge stronger and more confident. When chatting with her mother, I could see further evidence of her daughter’s admirable qualities for stepping forward to participate in the honors program.

Oleta and others like her are the reason cyber-proactive parents like me and teachers like the fictional Mr. Griffith see one hundred times more (albeit through a distorted lens) than today’s cyber-reactive and all previous generations. While I wouldn’t advise a teenager to gossip or disclose so much private information online, a lot of it was already out in the open in the traditional gossip-laden public domain of High School. Formspring provided Oleta a way to gain some editorial control of the gossip in a venue where she could defend herself on a level playing field and emerge triumphant.

Since thinking, Yikes and hoping my expression did not give me away at the parent meeting, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not violating any emerging code of ethics associated with the social networking revolution. If it is online, associated in some way with Hermes High School or my son’s peers and I can get to it by clicking hyperlinks, I will probably read it. If it is relevant or interesting, I will probably remember it. And if it provides an excellent illustrative story to reflect on teen life at this moment in history, I might even publish an anonymous blog post that includes it. On the other side of the equation, I’m teaching Philip and Chloe to be very cautious about what the post online or even text to a friend, because I know I can’t be the only cyber-proactive person out there.

With all that said, not everyone agrees with me. Some would violently disagree. While Oleta’s mother is developing into a very good friend to me and proving she is a great parent to her daughter, I don’t plan to tell Oleta’s cyber-reactive mother that I read her daughter’s online posts any time soon.

Formspring: Cyber-Bullying and Cyber-Fighting-Back

2011-01-17T13:41:00.000-08:00

I wish I could remember the name of the made-for-television movie that ended with the bullied teenage girl holding the microphone at an all-school assembly defending herself and effectively saying “shame on you” to all the bullies who had harassed her and the many other bullying victims at her school. In the movie, the act served to empower not only the protagonist but also all of the other victims. Today, real-life heroines and heroes who have been victimized by bullies don’t need a school assembly, nor do they need to develop public speaking skills. The victims now have an excellent platform online on which they can defend themselves with valor.

Yes, I am actually talking about Formspring. Youth advocates and the media have been keeping a close watch on Formspring. By allowing users to post anonymous questions and comments to someone’s active Formspring account, a lot of the bullying that once happened offline has moved online and Formspring has become a significant cyber-bullying hub. Across the print and online world, one finds no shortage of writers firing off warnings to parents about the dangers of Formspring and encouraging these parents to protect their tweens and teens from the toxic allure of this emerging social networking jaugernaut.

Formspring has received a significant amount of bad press because it enables cyber-bullying. But there is more going on than merely cyber-bullying. What normally gets missed in these assessments is how Formspring empowers the victims to fight back. This important part of the story is only recently coming to light.

Before I proceed, I am aware that I am at great risk of being misunderstood. So I need to clearly state my position on some key issues. First, all forms of bullying and harassment including cyber-bullying are wrong. Second, teens and tweens need to be educated on just how wrong these behaviors are and how much real damage these behaviors cause. Victims of bullying and harassment suffer greatly and the most vulnerable go as far as committing suicide. Third, laws and school policies are woefully behind in addressing the problems and challenges that emerge as a result of the changes brought on by rapidly emerging technologies such as social networking. There need to be clear punitive consequences for bullying and harassment so that the victimizers will face justice and would-be victimizers will be deterred. And lastly, I realize that some teens and tweens will be so challenged by the online bullying that the empowerment this platform offers cannot offset for them the additional harm it enables their tormentors to inflict.

With that said, I believe most teens are savvier than we give them credit. Reading a recent blog post by Danah Boyd who researches youth online, I learned that Formspring staff now know that “a number of vicious questions were posted by the Formspring account owners themselves.” Is this rare? I don’t think so. Formspring cannot measure this behavior precisely because they can only observe it when the account owners post the “anonymous” messages to their own account when logged in. Logged off, the anonymous messages are even anonymous to Formspring. But the numbers are large enough that Boyd rules out hacking as a reasonable explanation.

It did not take me too long to find my own anecdotal proof of this seemingly self-harassing behavior. On the Formspring page of Brenda, a freshman at Hermes High School, a long raging post degrading her for having “huge, ugly, sagging nipples” appeared. (My version is much, much cleaner than the actual.) However, the person who wrote the post failed to notice that she hadn’t clicked the box to make the raging post anonymous. It was Brenda who wrote the cruel post, answered it and then published it to her own Formspring page.

Why would Brenda or any teen do something like that? Boyd suggests three reasons: A cry for help, a way to look cool, and a way to invite complements. Certainly, there are probably some self-harassers who are publishing such posts as a cry for help. As well, I have certainly observed that any time a teen publishes a particularly derogatory post, favorable posts (most of them not anonymous) soon follow. And lastly, Boyd correctly points out that teens can look quite fly (fly is the new word for cool) simply being un-intimidated enough to publish even the cruelest words that arrive on Formspring.

But I see something deeper. The words Brenda published were carefully crafted. I think they were meant to sound like someone in particular. Perhaps Brenda was even quoting the exact words that had been directed at her in the girls’ locker room. Using the anonymity of Formspring, I think Brenda and others like her e-personate their real or assumed offline tormentors and thereby create a platform where they can defend themselves and effectively say “shame on you” to gossips and bullies who may never have done any actual cyber-bullying. And on Formspring it is there for everyone to see. Brenda might have had even one more item on her agenda. She might have wanted the post to draw boys’ attention to her chest so that they could draw their own conclusions. The point to take away is that Formspring gives account holders (especially savvy, creative teens) a huge amount of power to influence how they are viewed. Account holders can delete the posts they do not want published and answer the posts they do want published, even if they need to author the anonymous posts themselves.

For parents who want to protect their teens and tweens, requiring them to shut down their Formspring accounts may be the right decision or it may merely take away the best defense they have against the gossips and bullies. For most teens and tweens, I think it would be the latter. Merely having a Formspring account is a way for victims like Brenda to say to every bully and would-be bully “bring it on” and in my mind that is pretty darn fly.

Boys Pick Up Where the Medications Leave Off

2011-01-15T11:11:00.000-08:00

With the exception of a few polite greetings, I have never personally interacted with Philip’s peer, Ophelia. But I have interacted a lot with Ophelia’s mother. Ophelia’s mother is part of my extended network of proactive parents in the greater Hermes area. Among those she trusts, Ophelia’s mother openly discloses Ophelia’s basic struggles on both a short-term and long-term basis and occasionally provides specific details.

Ophelia is a warm, talented teenager who is now in her Junior Year at Conquistador High School. She has a tight circle of loyal friends of both genders from Conquistador as well as other schools. She is generally liked by her wider network of acquaintances, including Philip. But Ophelia struggles much more than the average teen because her natural aptitude for coping is handicapped.

Proactive parents like Ophelia’s mother and I know too many vocabulary words and acronyms that have been coined by the mental health profession. Bipolar, OCD, ADHD, and Asperger’s are just a few. At this point, if a teen does not have one of these labels, he or she probably has a close friend who does.

Despite Ophelia’s reduced aptitude for coping, she has found help in coping through friends and through boyfriends. Her mother is particularly happy with the loyalty and closeness Ophelia enjoys with her friends. Her mother also likes the fact that boys find Ophelia attractive. But the boyfriends scare Ophelia’s mother and I can understand why. There always seems to be a new boyfriend not long after the relationship with the previous boyfriend has ended. Ophelia is pretty but not stunning. Given her extra load of emotional baggage, I wondered why Ophelia attracted boyfriends so easily. But it only took a few minutes of observation to come to my own conclusions.

On one particular afternoon, I went to pick up Philip at the end of a teen event. I parked and waited patiently. Philip was lingering inside the building talking with friends and I decided not to text him. Outside the building, Ophelia and a teenage boy were talking, sitting close on two benches placed at right angles to one another. From the inside of my car with the windows rolled up, it was like watching a silent movie. Ophelia was almost facing my direction, while the boy mostly had his back turned to me. I could see Ophelia’s face and the body language of both of them. Ophelia was leaning forward. Her eyes were wide and the muscles in her face were relaxed. Her mouth was slightly open when she wasn’t speaking. When she was speaking, she spoke each word slowly. Like a silent movie from a century ago, the facial expressions and body language seemed amplified to compensate for the lack of sound. But the two were not acting, of course. This was a real interaction. Ophelia was pouring out her heart to the teenage boy. He was listening intently and she was clinging tightly to his attention, soaking in his moral support.

While I did not know the nature of the conversation, it looked intensely adult. The sight reminded me of the kinds of conversations Amelia and I had in our early twenties when we were talking about getting married. Hopes, dreams, fears and shortcomings were shared transparently. But I knew Ophelia’s words to the teenage boy were not so deep. Certainly she was disclosing her love for him and longing for him to validate her and reciprocate that love. They stood and embraced. Her half of the embrace was particularly warm and vulnerable. They held hands and walked back inside the building shortly before Philip came out.

Ophelia and the teenage boy were not talking about marriage or exploring what life would be like decades into the future. It was something much more mundane. But for Ophelia, the stakes felt just as high if not higher. The boy’s validation was just as important if not more important to Ophelia at this nowhere-near-discussing-marriage stage of their relationship. And I think that explains why Ophelia and other emotionally challenged girls draw in boyfriends so easily. They have a counterfeit depth. For a teenage boy Ophelia’s engaging interactions stand in stark contrast to the normal behavior of most teenage girls who simply chase what is tall, ripped and older with little to no regard for character, maturity or long term compatibility.

When I chatted to Ophelia’s mother not long after witnessing the silent movie, she reiterated how much she wanted Ophelia to be over boyfriends. I cautiously probed for her take on how the boyfriends helped Ophelia cope. Her mother agreed that the boyfriends do help Ophelia cope for an extended period of time, but her experience was that Ophelia’s drama always managed to burn out a boyfriend after four to six months. The breakup would be painful to watch with Ophelia desperately trying to keep the boy and the boy feeling terribly guilty about breaking things off after getting so close. And yet usually less than a month later, another boy would emerge naively believing he had finally found a girl with depth. For Ophelia and probably thousands of teenage girls like her, boyfriends pick up where the medications leave off.

Inspired to Connect the Past to the Present

2010-12-31T12:25:00.000-08:00

Back in September, I started a new job with a new company. I went from primarily working out of my home office in Hermes to working at my new company’s regional office in Riverdale. It is a fifty minute commute. The office building is walking distance from the shops and restaurants in historic downtown Riverdale and even closer to an office building where I worked for six years when Philip was a small child.

The other day I walked past that old office building during my lunch break. There was my former office’s window looking down at me: Second floor, second window from the left. I could see the shade was lowered about one third of the way. My former company had been sold to a larger corporation and operations had been scattered to other locations. Someone I probably did not even know now occupied my former abode. The art work that once occupied the walls inside that office was now hanging from the wall of my home office in Hermes. Still, the second window from the left on the second floor looked virtually unchanged. It was enough to fill me with a flood of memories from that time.

The old company had relocated me and my family from another state to San Geraldo in order for me to work there. That six year job stint took me from the days when Philip couldn’t even pronounce his own name to the first half of his second grade year of elementary school. It included Chloe’s birth and the first three years of her life as well as our move from San Geraldo to Hermes. So much had been packed into a little more than half a decade.

It is funny what memories take hold for us to cherish. For me, one such memory dates back to Philip’s early days in preschool. I had taken the train to work that day. Young Philip loved trains. “Twain – twain,” he would say pointing whenever he spotted one. Amelia had plans to have dinner with a friend in Oxford Hills. We decided she would take Philip to my office for me to bring home. It would be his first chance to actually ride on a train.

Philip and Amelia arrived in the late afternoon. The train home would arrive forty minutes later. I wanted to make Philip’s rare visits to my office special. On that day I began two rituals which I would repeat each time he visited my office for the rest of the time he was in preschool. First, I took him to the office kitchen for a can of root beer from the refrigerator. Going forward, “Rooph Beer” was all he would get to drink in my office and we refrained from serving it to him in any other venue. The other ritual was drawing a picture. With my green highlighter pen and copy paper, I would draw “Dexter the Dragon” which was a children’s ride at the San Geraldo Zoo. Those rituals played out on perhaps twenty visits to my office over the next two years, always at Philip’s request. During some of those visits, Philip would get to ride the twain again.

Walking through downtown Riverdale the other day was an experience somewhere between stepping through a time portal and getting a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past. Some things looked exactly the same. There was still the hair salon run by an extended Vietnamese family that provided a fantastic men’s haircut for a fantastic price. Two coffee shops, two Irish pubs, two Thai restaurants and an upscale deli were still thriving businesses. Other things had changed. The Microbrew had changed its name and ownership. My Hungarian tailor had retired and a tanning salon had replaced his little shop. My favorite Mexican restaurant had gone. And the Armenian shoe repair shop had expanded business to include luggage repair. A lot is the same and a lot has changed in some eight years. What can be said about downtown Riverdale can also be said about my family.

Tonight, our whole family along with Chloe’s friend Patty will spend the evening enjoying a New Year’s Eve Ball. Guys will be wearing blazers and ladies will be wearing dresses. Amelia and I plan to watch from a distance as Philip dances with one elegantly dressed, lovely teenage girl after another while Chloe and Patty share dances with younger boys. On Sunday, Philip will take part in a lacrosse scrimmage under the lights at Cabrillo High School involving the area’s high school and college players. I plan to plant myself in the bleachers and soak in the pleasure of watching Philip holding his own against MCLA lacrosse players.

So much time has gone by. The adolescent Philip who ballroom dances and plays varsity lacrosse seems so different from the little boy who drank rooph beer and wanted to see another highlighter drawing of Dexter the Dragon before riding home on the twain. But every so often, something as simple as the sight of a second story window brings all those great memories back and connects them to the great memories that are being formed in the present.

Unfriending, Blocking, Unblocking and Refriending

2010-12-26T12:52:00.000-08:00

The unfriend option is the first line of privacy defense one can use on Facebook. An unfriend can happen without warning. If the unfriender in question was unimportant, the unfriendee might never even notice and probably would not even care. But if the unfriender in question was important, the unfriendee can notice very quickly. Navigate to the unfriender’s profile and the Facebook page contains significantly less information and offers the opportunity to “Add as Friend” by clicking on a blue button.

The block option is a more serious privacy tool. These are the digital equivalent of a restraining order. Blocks can come without warning as well. They do what the word means. A blockee cannot even view a blocker’s pages. The only evidence a blockee can even see of a blockee might be in other people’s tagged photographs. But the blocker’s tag will not provide a link back to the blocker’s profile page for the blockee.

Facebook provides these options to users so they can defend their privacy online and associate only with those with whom they choose to associate. But the existence of such easily deployed defenses adds a new layer of complexity to how people set boundaries with one another. Adolescents are particularly active on Facebook. Unfriending and blocking happen with greater frequency among adolescents than they do among adults. Unblocking and refriending also happen with greater frequency among adolescents.

Every so often Philip experiences an unfriend from a peer and it is to the point where it generally does not even bother Philip any more. He knows that many of his peers are impulsive and that it only requires two clicks of a mouse to unfriend somebody. The act itself usually serves to lower Philip’s opinion of the unfriender in question. Since Philip will not send a friend request to anyone who has unfriended him, the unfriender puts himself or herself in the position of either sending a refriend request or remaining reciprocally unfriended.

Despite Philip’s social resilience to adolescent social politics on Facebook, there was one unfriend that did bother Philip. Nearly one year ago, Erica decided to unfriend Philip. Believing he could easily rectify whatever had led to the unfriend, Philip went to talk to Erica about it during their lunch break at school. In their exchange, she flatly denied unfriending him. But that evening, instead of refriending Philip, Erica blocked him. Her block was followed by Erica bad-mouthing Philip on Facebook, on Formspring and perhaps elsewhere treating the fact that Philip cared about the unfriending as something to joke about with others.

Erica’s unfriend could be written off as impulsive. Lying to Philip when he confronted her in an attempt to reconcile could be attributed to insecurity. The block was an insult that would admittedly be difficult to forgive. But in the end, the talking behind Philip’s back was nothing short of an act of war. For the remainder of their freshman year, things were cold at best between Philip and Erica. But the war Erica initiated took a very distant back seat in both their lives. Philip focused on the varsity lacrosse team, while Erica focused on developing a relationship with an older guy.

By the time their sophomore year was comfortably in session, there didn’t seem to be any outward evidence of a rift between Philip and Erica. Philip was back on Erica’s short list of guys she would press up against for photos. Their smiles in these photos as they were published onto Facebook certainly appeared genuine. But on Facebook, the unfriend and block were still in effect and would remain so until Erica at least made the first move.

That move took place some time before their Thanksgiving break. Perhaps Erica even did it on November 17th, National Unfriending Day. The exact date is unknown. But Philip suddenly noticed Erica’s tags on the photos in which they both appeared suddenly contained links to Erica’s profile page. Philip was glad that Erica had unblocked him, but he certainly was not comfortable initiating a refriend. Erica made her second move after the holiday break had begun by sending Philip a refriend request.

And that is where things stand at the time of this writing. The two have not traded words on the subject in nearly a year. Instead, everything has been unspoken. Now the request to be, Erica’s friend again greets Philip each time he logs onto Facebook. But Philip has still not decided whether or not to refriend with Erica or how long to wait if he does. While Philip is happy to be on friendly terms with Erica at school, the idea of merely accepting the refriend request does not sit well with him. Erica’s insult simply went too far and lasted too long.

And maybe there is just a little bit of satisfaction having the tables turned, because now Philip is the one refusing without explanation to refriend Erica, rather than it being the other way around.

When Life’s Consequences Overtake Parental Punishment

2010-12-22T12:15:00.000-08:00

I like to watch television shows on DVD with each of my kids. So does Amelia. Right now I am watching Season 1 of Glee with Chloe. The show has just about every high school subplot, stereotype and neo-stereotype the authors could squeeze into a single television season of forty-three minute episodes of what Philip calls High School Musical: The Series. Chloe loves it. I enjoy it. And most importantly it launches us into important daddy-daughter conversations.

I was not surprised to learn that one of the subplots revolved around a teen pregnancy. And when the teen’s right-wing stereotype parents found out about the pregnancy they fulfilled their roles by giving their daughter thirty minutes to pack her clothes and leave home. “Hold on, Daddy. Hit the pause button.”

That was my daughter Chloe speaking: Not one of the characters on Glee. Up until that moment, we had managed to shelter Chloe from the concept of parents kicking their kids out of the house. In fact, Amelia and I are still helping Chloe fully understand the concept of other kids’ parents getting divorced and its affect on Chloe’s peers like Jasmine.

For years, Chloe had been hitting us with questions we didn’t feel she was ready to have answered. We promised there would be a day when we would answer absolutely everything. That day came last May a few days ahead of her fourth-grade class getting the first round of what is taught in public schools on the topic of human sexuality. After ensuring everything Chloe could possibly learn in her public elementary school classroom was first taught at home, Amelia and I granted Chloe her blank check on questions we had previously left unanswered. For those who might be interested, Chloe’s first order of business last May was for us to give her exact definitions for the words whore and slut.

With Glee paused, I knew what was coming. Chloe was about to exercise her rights under the Askins Family Freedom of Information Act. “Daddy, if I got pregnant in high school, what kind of punishment would there be? Would you and Mommy kick me out of the house?” The answer to her first question took some effort to convey correctly.

Let’s be clear. I don’t want Chloe to get pregnant in high school. I don’t want Philip getting someone pregnant. I don’t want either of them doing the deed that risks pregnancy until each is a consenting adult firmly attached to the other party who is also a consenting adult and prepared for at least the possibility of pregnancy. I don’t want either of them getting too close to the hookup crowd. I don’t want Chloe hanging around with boys whose behaviors and attitudes are the slightest bit predatory. Erica’s story really scares me. In fact, I think marriage is the ideal time to begin engaging in such activity. While I am an advocate of public educators talking about protection and not just abstinence, I would really like Philip and Chloe to exercise abstinence. Amelia and I also want Philip and Chloe to know about the Human Papillomavirus (HPV), how widespread HPV is, how traditional forms of “protection” do not protect against the spread of HPV, and the health dangers [anal and cervical cancers] associated with HPV. There is a lot packed in here, and the public school only goes so far. So Amelia and I pick up where the public schools leave off. I have good reasons for wanting my kids to live a certain way and to protect themselves from participating in the hookup and highly sexualized culture that is widespread among teenagers in Hermes and elsewhere.

Chloe knows where I stand on these issues. In her mind, if anything would deserve the most severe punishment, this would be it. But even for Chloe at her young age, there was something intuitively wrong about how the fictional rightwing parents on Glee reacted to their daughter’s pregnancy.

I owed Chloe her truthful answer, and my mind quickly crafted exactly how to deliver it. She really already knew the answer to her second question. But my answer to her first question surprised her. “We would never kick you out of the house if you got pregnant Chloe. In fact, there would be no punishment.” Chloe was very relieved to hear me articulate the answer to her second question. But she was visibly shocked by my full answer. I paused for effect and then continued. “If you got pregnant, you would have enough to deal with simply being a pregnant teenager. Mommy and I would do everything we could to support you. But you need to know that we would not be able to protect you from all the consequences of getting pregnant as a teenager. There would be no point in adding some kind of punishment to those consequences.”

Every once in a while a teenager crosses a line intentionally or unintentionally over which parents cannot protect them no matter how much they would like to protect their kids. A beautiful recent graduate from Conquistador High School was in a car accident late one night that now has her paralyzed. A healthy, athletic member Philip’s lacrosse team at Hermes High School was arrested during school and eventually convicted of a felony and incarcerated over what he had done the night before with two so-called friends. For those parents, the time for punishment is over and the time to help them deal with real life has begun.

I am glad the parents on Glee are fictional, even if there are some real life parents who think the same way. Chloe asked me a few more qualifying questions and I answered them. The conversation lasted about five minutes before she said, “OK, Daddy. Hit the play button. I want to see the rest of the episode.”

A Wrinkle in the Age Gender Gap

2010-11-28T16:19:00.000-08:00

Some time in the middle of October, Teresa decided to put an end to her long term relationship with Steven. At least that was the official word. But it seemed to contradict her behavior during the lacrosse tournament on the final Saturday of October. A throng of tired lacrosse players arrived at the San Geraldo Sports Complex shortly after seven in the morning. To my surprise, Philip’s teammate Steven arrived with Teresa and she stayed to watch all five games.

From the bleachers I heard Teresa describe to other spectators the exact nature of her relationship with Steven. “He was my boyfriend for over a year. Now he’s my best friend.” Comments from both on both Facebook and Formspring added color. Teresa’s life in high school was simply too different from Steven’s life after high school. A year earlier it was fun. They had a lot in common. He was a mature senior and she was an adoring sophomore. A year ago, they seemed a perfect match with the age gender gap operating in their favor. But they seem to have run into a wrinkle in the age gender gap.

Steven is still deeply in love with Teresa. He openly admits he still loves her and wants her back. Teresa says she just doesn’t feel the connection she once felt and now prefers to spend time with guys closer to her age. In short, she is not ready to think about adult life just yet.

In his efforts to win back Teresa, Steven demonstrated quite a lot of insight by inviting her to the lacrosse tournament. For that day, Steven transformed himself back into the guy who had first captured Teresa’s heart. In that venue Steven was suddenly surrounded by Philip and a bunch of other high school guys. Steven was their leader. He was in his element playing varsity lacrosse, even though this off season league would be his last opportunity to play at the high school age level.

Steven’s parents and grandparents arrived a little later in the morning. They all sat with Teresa on the bleachers. Clearly the family liked this girl. And she in turn liked them. After scoring a goal, Steven returned to face off, jogging past the bleachers close enough to give three quick taps on the plexiglass.

Between the games, I saw Steven and Teresa steal off to be alone with one another. They may not have been an official couple, but there was the undeniable shared affection. They walked close to one another and they looked particularly comfortable with one another. In the end however, the fun day was not enough to win back Teresa’s heart. The wrinkle in the age gender gap was too high for him to scale.

Relationships in high school are very far removed from adult relationships. There is still the desire to connect. There is the desire for physical affection and the associated physical attraction. Couples want to like one another, trust one another and be able to have fun together. But as adulthood approaches new factors emerge. These include the ability to plan a family, raise children together, share finances in common, manage dual careers and endure life’s hardships. Steven believes he is ready for all that and maybe he is ready. In my mind he is at least close. Teresa on the other hand is simply not ready. After years of finding the older guys more attractive, Teresa now finds herself most drawn to the peers her own age. And Teresa’s changed perspective toward her guy-peers is arriving just in time to have them turn their attention away from the girls their own age in favor of the younger girls. It is an unfair reality for both Teresa and Steven.

The solution to this unfair reality will be found in time itself. Steven cannot go backward. But Teresa cannot stop herself from moving forward. She has just a year and a half of high school left. Within some short period of time after graduating, Teresa will also mature into the adult thinking that has already happened in Steven’s life. At that time, Teresa and Steven can re-evaluate one another in adult terms together. As a couple they were compatible by the standards shared by high school teenagers.

It remains an open question as to whether Steven and Teresa will be compatible when they both look at life through adult eyes. But that won’t happen until after Teresa crosses the wrinkle in the age gender gap.

Scoring a Fantastic Date to the Winter Formal

2010-11-20T17:33:00.000-08:00

Philip’s sophomore Homecoming Dance is a rapidly fading memory. The next dance at Hermes High School is the Winter Formal. Besides the attire, the big difference between the Homecoming Dance and the Winter Formal is the number of people who go with a date. It is not quite the Prom, for which nearly everyone goes as a couple. But Winter Formal is the only other venue in which students who are not officially attached will go together as a couple.

That part of life is decades behind me, but I remember it well. As with many parts of my life long ago that Philip is now experiencing, I think I have learned some things since that time. For Philip’s sake and for the sake of any reader willing to heed my words, here is what I have to say about scoring a fantastic date for the Winter Formal.

Ask someone. You might have more fun going alone, but you will certainly have fonder memories if you go with someone. Additionally, this is a great opportunity to overcome your fear so that by the time the Prom rolls along, you will have overcome your fear of asking a girl to be your date for a dance.

Ask someone deserving. Trust me. Most high school girls are eager to have a decent, respectable guy take them to the Formal. Assuming you fit this description, having you as a date will be a prize for you to award. Who has earned that prize? Whose past treatment of you in other situations shows she will treat you well as her date, and if she does turn down your offer, will make sure your dignity is preserved? From what I can tell, Philip knows several deserving girls as well as several undeserving girls.

Ask someone who will appreciate going with you. It is not enough for the girl to deserve a nice respectable guy like you. She should be someone who would really appreciate having you as her date. Philip knows several older girls who have always treated him well and with respect, including Jocelyn, Charlotte and Lauren. But Philip would probably think twice before asking any one of these older friends because in most cases a guy might appreciate having a younger girl for a date, but very few girls would appreciate having a younger guy for a date.

Ask someone who can handle going with you as her date. An additional quality is a mixture of social confidence and maturity. While most girls are eager to have a decent, respectable guy as a date for the Formal, many girls—especially the younger ones—cannot handle having a date. From what I have observed from a distance, Vienna could be described as both deserving and capable of appreciating Philip as her date for the Formal. But Vienna may not be able handle it. And that is something Philip would think about seriously before he would ever ask Vienna to the Formal.

Consider asking a friend from another school. There are advantages and disadvantages to asking a girl from another school. Unless she formerly attended your school or a school in your district, she is an unknown figure in your school’s social environment. She would be your beautiful date from afar and she would be committed to your agenda for the evening. She might also have a Formal at her school on another evening which means you might get two fun evenings out of the arrangement, instead of just one. The disadvantage is she will be nervous. She might surprise you by how afraid she is of the idea of going to another school’s event. She also might want to bring a friend along in order to be comfortable. Having a wingman to go as her friend’s date is discussed below.

Do your homework before asking. In short, if you don’t even bother to read her Facebook page, you risk looking extremely stupid if it turns out she is not available because she has already made separate plans, has a new boyfriend or is grounded for that weekend. Make sure you know what she has made public. If she has kept something a secret or not had time to make it public, you will obviously not look stupid for not knowing such things.

Ask early. The closer one gets to the day of the dance, the more likely it is she will make other plans or get asked by someone else. She may make plans with a bunch of other girls who do not have dates. If you ask her early, she can enjoy the satisfaction of having her date lined up long before everyone else, and so can you.

Have a wingman. You will improve your chances greatly if you are in a position to pair her friend off with a friend of yours. It means she not only gets to have a nice guy for her date, but she still gets to go with her friend. Going as a group of four or more can be particularly fun. It creates a fantastic environment for taking photographs before the dance as well.

Be willing to go as her friend’s date. No matter how early you ask, she might still have a date already lined up. Alternatively, if you ask her early, she may pair off with a boyfriend between the asking and the actual dance. In these situations, tell her you are happy for her and then ask her if she would like to pair you off with one of her friends so the four of you could go together. If nothing else, this is a great way to recover in this otherwise awkward situation.

Suggest shopping together. She will have a lot of fun coordinating your outfits. She may or may not want you along when she goes shopping for her dress. Sometimes dress-shopping is a “girls only” event. But she would almost certainly enjoy helping you pick out your formal attire, even if it is only going shopping for a tie that would coordinate with her dress.

Take the time to agree upon expectations and details. Referencing an earlier point, if a girl cannot handle this you should not ask her to be your date in the first place. You can do this by trading text messages, talking on the phone, meeting for coffee or simply chatting during lunch breaks at school. But have the conversation and make sure you both know and agree upon what you expect from one another. It is amazing how many assumptions (especially assumptions made by a teenager) end up being wrong. Most important will be how often you will be dancing together and how often you will be dancing with other friends. At minimum, you should enjoy the first and last dance together. And you will need to agree on a spot to meet when the last dance starts so you can find one another. Other things you will need to discuss are things like transportation, when you plan to arrive, if you will be going alone or with a group, and whether there will be dinner and/or photos before the dance.

Engage her parents before they engage you. Once you have agreed to go to the dance together, it is never too early to engage her parents. Conversely, once she tells you that one or both of her parents want to talk to you, you are too late. Tell her early you want to have at least a quick chat with her mother, father or other legal guardian and ask her to tell you when and how she would like that to happen. During the conversation you need to find out two things. First, you want to know what their rules and expectations are and you want to give them your word that you will stick with those. Second you want to know how to contact them during the evening of the dance in the unlikely event of an emergency. Likewise, she should have emergency contact information for your family.

Get her a nice corsage or boutonniere. While these are required for the Prom, they make an excellent gift for the Formal. The color scheme will need to go well with her dress. You’ll also need to know her well enough to know whether to surprise her or talk to her about it in advance. This is something about which her mother could advise you, and is another reason to engage her parents early.

Make sure she has a great time. While this should go without saying, it requires a subtle change in attitude. By simply being attentive and watching her and her mood throughout the evening, you will improve her enjoyment of the evening. If she is suddenly alone and you show up to ask her to dance, it will be one of many perfect moments.

It is your job to rescue her from any creepy guys. You cannot patronize her with your behavior. But if a guy is dancing with her too close, too often or too rudely and she looks uncomfortable, you can show up and displace him.

Tell her you had a great time and thank her for it. This is the last thing you should say and do before you say good night. Say it well, and you will have made the entire evening a success.

Table any romantic interest for another day after the dance. If things between you are going well, the idea of taking your friendship to the next level might be very appealing. No matter how happy and comfortable she seems, do not risk ruining the evening by trying to ignite a romance before or during the evening of the dance. But once the morning after the dance arrives, you are free to go for it if you are indeed still interested. If her signals have been favorable, you stand a very good chance.

Today, Philip is undecided if he will ask someone and if so, who. But I suppose that story deserves its own post anyway.

Cologne for a Teenage Guy

2010-11-13T22:29:00.000-08:00

I can remember the first time I bought myself cologne. I was sixteen years old and I knew exactly what I wanted because I had smelled it at a party during football season on an older football player. It was Ralph Lauren’s signature men’s cologne Polo for Men. Prior to that, my parents and grandparents had given me various colognes and scented aftershave lotions including Old Spice, English Leather and Oscar De Le Renta’s Pour Lui. None of these ever quite hit the mark for me, though Pour Lui had at least come close.

Polo for Men was my signature cologne for about a decade until one day a coworker showed up at work smelling absolutely fantastic. I knew I had to get that cologne which turned out to be Calvin Klein’s Eternity. Eternity was my signature cologne for years after.

Like me decades earlier, Philip’s developing interest in cologne has operated in lockstep with his developing interest in girls. During one of his early dances, Philip wore cologne for the first time by borrowing my Eternity. Later, Philip chose a brand of cologne by himself when Philip and I were at the mall updating his wardrobe. That cologne was Fierce by Abercrombie & Fitch. Months later, Philip still likes Fierce, but he has also concluded that it is too intense for most situations. I also enjoy the smell of Fierce on myself but know it smells like something too young for me in most social venues.

Our joint experience with Fierce has compelled me to do some anecdotal research in an effort to find colognes both for myself and for Philip. So while I normally do not publish anything resembling advice, I am going to make this an exception. Whether you are a teenage guy or somebody shopping for one, here is what I have learned shopping for my straight teenage son.

ADVICE ON FINDING AND SELECTING COLOGNE
Men’s Scents are Designed Primarily for Adults. This should be no surprise. What it means is that only a few will work for a teenager. Adults want to come across as older, younger, braver, smarter, more masculine, more gentle, more sophisticated, or more of something else. Of these, I see only two objectives that truly apply to a teenage guy. A teenage guy should look for a scent that presents him as both masculine and approachable. The ideal straight guy is a healthy mixture of both beast and scholar.

Don’t Ever Wear the Cheap Stuff. Philip has heard it more than once. He’ll be sitting with a group of girls during lunch and one of them will say, “Ugh! Some guy just walked by wearing Axe.” Unless you are still in Middle School, the cheap stuff will do more harm than good.

Skip Branding Associated with Hard Liquor. You will see names with Rum, Bourbon and Cognac in the men’s cologne section. The good ones do indeed smell nice on older men. But it would draw ridicule if sprayed on a teenager. The same principle applies to all branding associated with tobacco and everything else that sounds old. All of this stuff smells like the name implies. (Yes … it was my dear but misguided grandfather who bought me the Old Spice and the English Leather back when I was a teenager!

Avoid Extremely Pungent Scents. There is a whole category of men’s colognes that seem to be targeting accountants, computer programmers and other “geeks” among adult men who want a strong scent to make them smell and feel much more beastly and much less scholarly than they are in their professional lives. In my experience one out of every three men’s colognes fit into this category. While these colognes might work well for their target segment among adults, they simply smell nasty on teenage guys. If the name of a cologne conjures up images of an action hero, it is probably one of these. Any of the Hugo Boss colognes (such as Hugo) and Azzaro’s Chrome are examples if you would like to do some shopping for your Research Scientist.

Avoid Heavily Citrus or Floral Scents. At the other end of the spectrum is a whole category of men’s colognes that seem to be targeting adult men in traditionally masculine, physically-oriented professions like construction or firefighting who want a scent that will make them smell and feel much more scholarly and much less beastly. While these might work well for that segment of adults, they simply smell effeminate on teenage guys. Carrolina Herrera’s 212 is an example if you want to do some shopping for your Gunnery Sergeant.

Avoid Branding that Communicates Sophistication. These are scents that are targeting men who want to come across as older or worldlier. If the branding message is too far off base for a teenage guy, odds are the actual scent is far off base as well. It is one thing for a teenager to smell like a twenty-something or even an early-thirty-something. But a teenager who smells like a he is forty or older smells ridiculous. Avoid Black and Silver spin-offs of signature labels and be cautious of any Black or Silver name.

Some Scents Fade Quickly or Change Over Time. When first investigating a scent, spray it onto your wrist at a store and then continue shopping. Avoid smelling your wrist for ten minutes and then sniff. What you smell after ten minutes is what and how strong the cologne will smell on you. If investigating multiple colognes, spray them onto the hard paper sticks or cards that are provided at the store. Write the name of the cologne onto the paper and do not smell it for five minutes. In my experience, roughly one out of every three men’s colognes will fade significantly sitting on hard paper for five minutes which means they will not last for even an hour on a man’s skin. Also, use the coffee grind they have at the cologne counter to clear your nose between sniffs. Before buying, you’ll need to do the ten minute wrist test to be certain.

Be Cautious With Branding that Communicates Youth. Here’s where the selection process will finally depend upon your olfactory prowess and personal preferences. Some youth branding is for older adults who want to smell younger. Such scents will simply smell wrong on a teenager. Many but not all of these are the Blue spin-off of a signature brand. Other youth-oriented branding includes words like Aqua and Sport names and spin-offs. Aqua Di Gio is actually one of my recommendations.

If It Looks Good, Smell It. One should never purchase cologne based upon the name, the box or the bottle. One buys the scent. But if something about what you see attracts you, it may be the result of a lot of marketing research designed to attract the right person. Unfortunately, it may also be the result of a lot of marketing research designed to attract as many people as possible. As always, let your own assessment of the scent be your primary guide.

The Established Signature Labels Tend to be the Best. If a brand of cologne has been around for a long time, people have been purchasing it for a long time because it smells good to a lot of people including both the people who wear it and the people who smell them wearing it. It may smell good to you too. If it does, wear it. Many people will like the way it smells on you.

ADVICE FOR WEARING COLOGNE
Have a Handful of Colognes in the Cabinet. If you wear cologne as a teenager, you are already among the minority. If you wear the same one every time or even every time you wear cologne, people will notice and some of them will get sick of it the same way they would if you wore the same sweatshirt every day. If you mix it up just a little, you’ll be interesting.

Too Much Cologne is a Turn-Off. Be careful not to overdo it, especially in school. If you put on four or more sprays before you leave for school, the whole first period classroom will smell it before the bell rings for second period. While you will not notice the scent within five minutes of spraying it on, everyone else will notice it whenever you show up. Before school, keep it to one squirt. And never do more than for four squirts if you are going to be around people who might judge you negatively for wearing too much cologne. If you really like the scent, indulge in that enjoyment by spraying your wrists and pillow right before you go to bed.

ADVICE ON PURCHASING COLOGNE
Shop at Stores but Do Most of Your Purchasing Online. Cologne is expensive. You can save twenty-five dollars or more per bottle by purchasing online, even after shipping. But you cannot smell cologne over the internet. I have made it a personal policy to only test colognes at stores at which I do business. When I buy a new pair of pants, I test out a new brand of cologne. If I want to test out multiple new colognes, only then will I make my cologne purchase at that store.

Buy the Smallest Container Possible. Colognes have a short shelf life. Even when a bottle twice the size is only 20% more expensive, you need to consider shelf life. This is another reason to buy online. The online store will generally have the smaller sizes available. If the last spray from a small bottle is still fresh, go ahead and buy a bigger bottle next time.

Check Out the Generic Brands<. There are plenty of rip-off imitations out there, but there are plenty of good values as well. I once purchased a six ounce bottle of cologne from a lady selling them in a parking lot. On the clipboard she was carrying was a generic brand of cologne that was listed as similar to Eternity. She had a tester in her trunk and I thought it smelled good, so I bought a six ounce bottle for ten dollars. In my opinion it smelled just a little bit better than Eternity, but I think it was because it had a much longer shelf life than brand name Eternity even though the bottle was twice the size. My final spray from that generic cologne smelled great.

Consider Buying Essential Oils. Colognes are scented oils dissolved in alcohol. Depending on the ratio of alcohol to oil, a men’s cologne scent can last one to four hours. Essential oils will not ever fill the room with your scent, but the scent of them will last all day. Like the generic cologne I bought years ago, some essential oil blends are meant to be similar to name brand colognes. And they are also much less expensive than those colognes. In short, it is worth trying them out.

MY RECOMMENDATIONS
And finally, these are the colognes I recommend for teenage guys. With this list, I will also break from my normal convention and update it from time to time as Philip and I gain more experience with men’s colognes. These assessments are mainly mine, but I may be borrowing some of the wording from the brand’s own marketing material or the reviews of knowledgeable or well established critics if I find myself in agreement.

#1 - Joop (by Joop) Joop‘s only problem is a name and color that will put most teenage guys on their guard. Hide it in your medicine cabinet and your signature scent will be a treasured secret. Joop is not as well known as some of the other colognes that made my list, but it has certainly stood the test of time and is easily found at any well-stocked cologne counter. A teenage guy who wears Joop will distinguish himself from nearly everyone else. Joop has a dominant spicy scent like all the more masculine scents listed here, but that spicy scent is augmented with a very well crafted set of fresh fruit notes. Joop lasts a very long time, though the fresh fruit notes seem to fade a little faster than the spice notes. Lifespan: 5/5; 55% Masculine; 45% Approachable

#2 - Fierce (Abercrombie & Fitch) Fierce is what you smell whenever you walk into an Abercrombie & Fitch store. It smells fantastic and smells especially fantastic on teenage guys. I don’t know anyone who dislikes this smell, but its efficacy for a teenage guy is challenged in that it is very recognizable (but nowhere near as recognizable as Axe), very intense and lasts only an average amount of time. Philip only wears it to dances now. Lifespan 3/5; 15% Masculine; 85% Approachable

#3 - Polo (Ralph Lauren) Any new cologne will be hard-pressed to beat this long time champion. The dominate notes are spicy and they are augmented by non-citrus fruits and just a hint of something smoky. Your teachers will probably recognize it. Wear it when you need to negotiate an extension on a term paper’s due date. As an alternative, try any of the Polo spin-offs except for Polo Black which has a painfully short Lifespan and would not smell right on a teenager. Lifespan 4/5; 60% Masculine; 40% Approachable

#4 - Eternity (Calvin Klein) There is a freshness and a gentleness about Eternity. It will put you and everyone around you at ease. Give that nice girl a reason to be happy and use two squirts before the two of you go see the basketball game against the rival school. Lifespan 4/5; 40% Masculine; 60% Approachable

#5 - Aqua Di Gio (Giorgio Armani) Aqua Di Gio is one of the best-selling men’s colognes. It also fares well among men across a wide range of ages. A teenage guy may have a teenage girl tell him that he smells like her dad. But she will not be teasing or complaining when she says that; she’ll only be telling the guy that she’s daddy’s girl. As an alternative, consider Armani’s Attitude. Lifespan 3/5; 20% Masculine; 80% Approachable

#6 - Dirty English (Juicy Couture) There’s nothing dirty about this great cologne at all. In fact I wouldn’t say it is particularly English either. It is very spicy and has a very nice smoky edge. Wear this to a student government meeting when you have decided it is time you took command. Lifespan 4/5; 65% Masculine; 35% Approachable

#7 - Only the Brave (Diesel) Only the Brave has a fun fist-shaped bottle. Its dominant notes are gentle spices. You will smell and feel clean wearing this. As an alternative, consider Diesel’s Fuel. Lifespan 3/5; 50% Masculine; 50% Approachable

#8 - Pour Homme (Yves Saint Laurent) This is the most masculine smelling cologne that made my list. Freshmen might want to wait, but Juniors and Seniors might want to bring it out to thrill their Prom dates. Lifespan 2/5; 75% Masculine; 25% Approachable

#9 - Brit (Burberry) The marketing behind Brit is the James Bond theme and this is a deliberate reflection of the very tone of the scent. You are sophisticated but ready run, fight or flirt. If you are a sophomore looking to score a date to the Junior/Senior Prom, put this on the day you plan to ask her. Just remember to dress well. Lifespan 2/5; 70% Masculine; 30% Approachable

#10 - Pour Homme Extreme (Bvlgari) Here is a very gentle scent that can be worn daily to accent your natural body scents favorably. As an alternative, consider Bvlgari’s Pour Homme. Lifespan 1/5; 25% Masculine; 75% Approachable

Related Post: Cologne for the Prom or Formal

The Benefits of Having an Insensitive Friend

2010-10-31T23:18:00.000-07:00

Chloe is in the same class at school this year with Rita’s daughter Jasmine. As the girls approach middle school, the social dynamic has taken an interesting turn. Much friendship is sought but little friendship is given. Secrets are sought but confidences are violated. Ill-conceived words are taken as great offenses that must be returned with even more venom until two girls who were once friends are bitter enemies at home in tears over the other’s words. But days later all is repaired only to begin again anew.

But in this jungle some friends are less equal than others. Some are too in a hurry to perpetuate the madness while others are genuinely trying to merely get through. Katherine can be a lot of fun when she is with another girl just one on one. But once the crowd gets any larger, Katherine begins to play games. In this environment Katherine is her own worst enemy, but she brings others down with her.

Chloe’s problem is that she is too nice. Katherine begs Chloe to do things together and to talk about things. It doesn’t take Chloe too long to cave and cooperate. Katherine loves this, but at Chloe’s expense. In sharp contrast, Jasmine doesn’t put up with anything. It takes just one violation and Jasmine cuts people off for a long time. In short, Jasmine is too harsh while Chloe is too easy. In the center one finds an emotionally healthy tween girl. And in fact, when they work together, Chloe and Jasmine find that emotionally healthy place in the middle.

If one had asked them, they would not have been able to articulate just how well they had hatched their plan. Instead they simply found one another out of convenience. Chloe explained her problem and Jasmine had some very strong opinions about what to do, but Chloe only agreed to go so far. Both were nervous but working together they found the courage to execute a plan that would get Katherine to back down without any of the adults at school (especially their veteran fifth grade teacher Ms. Freeman) to accuse them of being mean. At recess they found a secluded place and worked out their plan. They memorized a short list of Katherine’s behaviors that they did not find acceptable. At the end of recess they confronted Katherine together and told her they did not want to be friends with her any more because of certain repeated behaviors.

Instead of trying to work things out with Chloe and Jasmine, Katherine did what they expected. She tried to get them in trouble with Ms. Freeman for being mean to her. But this time, Chloe and Jasmine were ready. They stayed after school and faced Ms. Freeman. They told their teacher exactly what behaviors they considered unacceptable and that they would not tolerate from Katherine. They said they did not want to play with Katherine as long as she continued to violate their trust. In the end, Ms. Freeman reluctantly agreed to Chloe and Jasmine’s decision not to play with Katherine. Katherine began crying, but Ms. Freeman held her ground supporting Chloe and Jasmine.

That afternoon, Chloe brought the story home to us. She had both a great sense of relief and a lingering sense of guilt. Chloe was especially moved by Katherine’s tears. It took us a while to figure out what had happened. In the past we had been concerned about Jasmine’s insensitivity and we still have some concerns. But those concerns were dwarfed by how manipulative and destructive Katherine could be. Amelia and I took Chloe’s words and walked through them together. We suddenly saw the value in Jasmine’s insensitivity.

Amelia and I never expected to say there were benefits in having an insensitive friend. But there we were agreeing and smiling at Chloe’s friendship with Jasmine.

Rethinking Payback

2010-10-31T19:43:00.000-07:00

Conrad is the top defensive player on the Hermes Varsity Lacrosse team. He has short cropped blond hair and a boyish face. He has joined Philip, Bruce and several other lacrosse players who are not playing football this Fall to play indoor lacrosse during the off-season.

Indoor lacrosse and other indoor sports tend to be more violent than their outdoor counter-parts. The wall is what makes the difference. The action tends to slam players into the wall. Sometimes it is a foul and sometime it is not a foul. But either way, athletes do not like being slammed into a wall. Fights almost never happen during outdoor lacrosse games. But they are reasonably common during indoor lacrosse games.

During the first weekend in October, we faced a team with one particularly aggressive player. Throughout the first period he surfed the edge of acceptable behavior. But at the beginning of the second period he crossed the line. With all his speed, strength and weight, he slammed his stick into Conrad’s torso, pushing him all the way into the wall while continuing to lean his weight into his stick. One of Conrad’s ribs cracked under the force and the blow to the wall knocked the wind out of him. The aggressive player was given a five minute penalty and it enabled our team to climb way ahead in points scored. But it was the end of the game for Conrad. The action got Bruce thinking. And Bruce’s thinking quickly developed into a quiet exchange with one of the other large and aggressive players on our team: Brad.

On the other side of the playing area, parents were watching the game. I was quietly talking to the grandmother of one of the players on the opposing team. She was a bit taken aback by the aggressive play and I was remarking on the violent nature of indoor sports when both Philip and her grandson Jeremy stepped onto the arena. As it turned out the two were lined up to cover one another. Philip and Jeremy proved a good match to challenge one another. At that point the final period of play was well under way.

Not long afterward, the aggressive player from the other team joined the action. Jeremy got hold of the ball but Philip came right at him to challenge Jeremy’s control. With the aggressive player open, Jeremy passed the ball. In less than a second Brad and Bruce collided into the aggressive player from either side and knocked the aggressive player to the floor. Bruce and Brad held their opponent down on the floor and stripped him of his stick and helmet while delivering punch after punch to his face, chest and stomach. Not a single teammate came to the aggressive player's aid. The referee roared, but didn’t dare touch the brawl taking place on the floor. Philip and Jeremy each took a knee as did the majority of other players. Jeremy’s grandmother gulped, regained her composure and then said, “I am so glad your son and my grandson are not involved in that fight. How terrible they are doing that.”

I generally find such fighting repugnant. The system has ways to deal with such behavior but those ways are not fully preventative. Brad and Bruce were ejected from the game. Conrad left the bench and joined them, limping and holding his gut as he walked. A single five minute penalty was awarded to our team with no particular player specified. Between being a man down and missing some of our best players, the opposing team racked up several points in the final minutes of the game. In the end we only won by a single point. But the truth was nobody was thinking about the score or who won. The fight had taken the joy out of seeing a winner to the contest. Jeremy’s grandmother was still saying, “I am so glad your son and my grandson were not involved in that fight” when the final buzzer went off.

In the car ride home, Philip explained to me just how much Conrad had been hurt. And while I still did not like the decision Bruce and Brad had made, I began to see it in a different light. At roughly one hundred, fifteen pounds, Philip has been the team’s penalty magnet. But Philip has never taken a serious hit the way Conrad did that day. And while some look down on it, the threat of a payback from players like Bruce and Brad is a deterrent that ensures Philip is at least reasonably safe from the worst of indoor sports violence.

The Secret to High School Happiness

2010-10-31T17:29:00.000-07:00

I think I may have stumbled upon the best kept secret to happiness in high school. Some would say it is good looks and charisma plus athletic and academic prowess. These certainly help. But most teenagers are lucky to possess even one or two of these qualities. It is the rare prodigy who commands the whole package. Yet somehow, there are teenagers who lack these qualities yet love high school. And likewise, there are many deeply gifted teenagers who hate high school. Philip’s enjoyment of high school has gone up dramatically in the past few weeks and I think I understand why this happened.

Last November, we traveled to Oxford Hills for a lacrosse scrimmage under the lights. In that venue, I discovered just how much fun it is to watch youth sporting events played at night under the lights. So when just a few weeks back Philip wanted to go to Hermes High School’s first Friday night football game, I was very happy to drive him to Loma Prieta as well as stick around to watch the game.

Loma Prieta High School had two sets of bleachers on the guest team side of the field. The left bleachers were occupied primarily by teenagers and the right bleachers were occupied primarily by adults. We arrived in the fourth quarter of the JV game. I walked over to the right bleachers, searched unsuccessfully for Raul’s father and then sat down. Right behind me was a woman I had never met and her teenage daughter. The woman was as gregarious as her daughter was shy. I introduced myself as Philip’s father. The shy girl was a new student at Hermes High School in Philip’s class. The two had just moved from out of State over the summer. But being new didn’t stop the mother from shouting above all the other adults to give each of the eleven Hermes players on the field instructions on what to do.

As the Varsity game began, I could see Philip and about five other Hermes sophomores had moved down from the bleachers to stand as close to the action as a three foot metal fence would allow them. Sophomores on the Varsity and JV Cheer squads approached the group from the field side of the fence to chit-chat before the JV girls exited the field area and the Varsity girls assembled for their game performance. As the Hermes Hawks returned the ball twenty-three yards from the Loma Prieta Lions kick-off, I saw the Hermes team mascot Nestor Hawk approach Philip and the other sophomores. The game quickly retook my attention and by the time I looked back at the sophomores, Philip and Nestor Hawk had disappeared. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw Nestor Hawk reappear with a different pair of sneakers plus thinner, whiter legs. “Is that Philip in the mascot costume?” I asked out loud.

The shy girl behind me let out a laugh and answered. “That is definitely Philip!” For the rest of that evening’s game, Philip danced, flapped his wings, mimicked the cheerleaders’ movements and ran with the flag-bearing spirit squad. At times, the crowd was paying more attention to Philip’s Nestor Hawk antics than they were to the game.

During the ride home, Philip expressed how much he enjoyed being the mascot and how much his antics were appreciated. He had already been invited to appear as the mascot again Thursday evening at the Girls Varsity Volleyball game against Conquistador High School. That role got him invited to a special celebration party hosted by one of the Varsity Volleyball players. As the Fall season has progressed, Philip has continued to exercise his showmanship as Nestor Hawk. He was also invited to perform as a nerd during a group dance routine at the homecoming rally. At home his mobile phone is alive with calls and texts from people asking him to be at various events.

As I have had time to reflect on these new developments, I believe I have quietly discovered the secret to high school happiness. High school happiness is a function of getting involved with the school beyond academics and even athletics. The other students who participate in the spirit squad, group dance routines and other school-related activities and fund-raising efforts also seem extremely happy and satisfied with high school. I do not know why athletics and academics alone are not enough, but clearly something happens when one moves beyond the standard pursuits. And for now, Philip has found his own happiness in such non-standard pursuits like being Nestor Hawk.

A Friend from Another Generation

2010-09-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

I had not spoken with Raul in over a year. But suddenly he was standing next to me saying, “Hey Coach.”

Raul was Philip’s first friend in Hermes. In 2002, before moving from San Geraldo to Hermes, we signed up Philip for Little League Baseball in Hermes. We figured Philip would meet a bunch of kids on the team, and that one of them would almost certainly be in the same first grade class on Philip’s first day at a new school more than half way through the school year. When Philip started at his new elementary school in Hermes, he found Raul there waving him into the same class. The two shared a great season of Little League. For second grade and third grade, I coached the soccer teams on which Philip and Raul played together. To the degree that an adult and a child from different families can be friends, Raul and I have been friends for many years now.

This Fall, Philip has been practicing lacrosse twice a week at Hermes with the other players who are not presently absorbed by football. The off-season lacrosse players have a small patch of fenced-in artificial turf for two hours on Mondays and Wednesdays while the Freshman, JV and Varsity football teams dominate the wide open athletic fields on the Hermes High School campus for the entire week. I arrived on campus from my now fifty minute commute home about fifteen minutes before the lacrosse coach ended practice.

To keep the locker room from being over-crowded, the football coaches release the teams in reverse order of seniority half an hour apart. Raul has been playing on the JV squad this year. While the rest of the sophomore and junior players on the JV team walked by the artificial turf without even slowing to watch, Raul took the opportunity to catch up with me. Like Philip, Raul is lean and now taller than me. I asked him about football and told him I intended to see at least part of the upcoming JV game. He asked about Philip’s lacrosse team and for help identifying Philip from behind the helmets and light body armor. When I asked him how his younger sister was adjusting to high school, he sounded like his father. “She’s adjusting well. If anything, she’s adjusting a little too well in my opinion.” The conversation lasted a little over five minutes.

Like Philip, Raul looked ever so close to adulthood. Our conversation was not far from what would be said between two adults watching the scrimmage at the end of a high school lacrosse practice. I was proud of the boy I had coached and had under my home on multiple occasions. And I was proud of the young man he was today. Raul was healthy and confident. And he was completely comfortable engaging an adult as an equal.

Among Philip’s peers, some have always stood out as special to me. Many of these were ones I had coached along the way. Raul has always been one of the special ones. Coaches, family friends, teachers and others who work with youth in extracurricular activities get to play a minor role in a child’s upbringing for a brief window of life. There is a special satisfaction at the time. There is a special satisfaction that endures. And that enduring satisfaction comes to the surface whenever I get to speak with a kid I had once coached. For the special ones like Raul, the feeling of satisfaction is particularly enjoyable.

The last of the JV players walked just after I told Raul I was planning to catch at least part of his game. He smiled and said, “That would be great.” He then seemed to notice he was going to be the last into the locker room. “I should go get changed so I my dad doesn’t have to wait.” He turned and disappeared into the small current of JV football practice jerseys. And I couldn’t help smiling as I turned my attention back to the lacrosse scrimmage.

Some day Raul will be a full adult. If he and I still live in Hermes ten years from now, I suspect Raul and I will still be friends, and we will enjoy the kind of friendships older adults share with younger adults who are not from the same family.

Friends off Campus

2010-09-29T23:00:00.000-07:00

Some friendships are temporal and some friendships are lasting. Most friendships are born out of shared experiences and values. In my experience, temporal friendships are sustained mainly by proximity. Lasting friendships are sustained by something deeper. For a tween or even a teen navigating the world of friendships, it is not always clear which friendships at school are lasting and which are temporal, but the ones off campus are almost always lasting friendships. Either way, the friendships off campus carry an important benefit.

Growing up, one finds value in friends to be more than just the state of having playmates. The best friends are those one can trust. But during a four to six year window that includes all or nearly all of middle school, the gap between the need for a trustworthy friend and a friend’s ability to be trustworthy is significant.

One wants to share private things with a friend who will keep one’s secret. But the temptation to expose another’s secrets normally exceeds the depth of a tween or early teen’s resolve to keep a confidence. As a result, friends off campus are safer, more reliable and more trustworthy merely as a function of their lack of proximity.

For this reason, Amelia and I have actively encouraged Philip and Chloe to develop friendships off campus. Within weeks of moving to Hermes back when Philip was in the first grade, Philip and Chloe had both formed friendships with the Rivera family. Joshua Rivera is one Philip’s best friends. Debbie Rivera has gotten close to both Philip and Chloe. And Abby Rivera is also one of Chloe’s friends. Over a longer period of time, Jack Rivera, their father, has come to be my best friend while Chelsea Rivera, their mom, has become one of Amelia’s best friends. With the exception of the two years Philip attended Oak Hills Charter School, Philip and Chloe have never gone to the same school with the Rivera’s.

Philip has fully grasped the idea that Joshua is the friend to whom the most private confidences can be revealed. Whenever we go to the Rivera house, Philip and Joshua go behind the house to where the two can lift weights and chat. Girls and parents are forbidden from joining them and they work hard to maintain their privacy by insisting that any interruption be important.

Chloe’s best friend off campus is Savannah. Samantha was the one who invited Chloe to participate in the play last summer. Over the course of the summer, Savannah introduced Chloe to her friend Holly. Holly also does not go to Chloe’s school. Lately, Chloe and Holly have been getting together and most of what they do is talk. During a recent lacrosse event in which Philip got to play with Division II college lacrosse players under the lights at Cabrillo High School, Chloe invited Holly to come along. During the two hour event, the two girls spent nearly the entire time walking around the track together while Amelia, Holly’s father and I were up in the bleachers watching the event.

Having friends off campus is something Amelia and I have encouraged and cultivated for Philip and Chloe. Now that they have reached the difficult years, the effort seems to be paying off. Each has friends with whom secrets can be shared and be kept safe. And no matter what happens on campus, there will always be supportive friends for them off campus.

Sustaining the Connection

2010-09-28T22:08:00.000-07:00

For me, my sophomore year in high school was the turning point. Suddenly, I could feel adulthood looming on the horizon. Now nearly thirty years later, Philip is a sophomore in high school and I suddenly sense the ticking calendar. He loves me. But he needs me less than he has ever needed me. At the same time, he craves autonomy more than ever before. At unexpected times, Philip wants to fully engage. Most of the time, however, he prefers to be alone in his room with just the computer and his own musings to keep him company. But there are two exceptions to his unpredictable willingness to interact.

The first exception is the television. Philip’s tastes range from action and science fiction to documentaries. During the school year, our family rule is that the television goes off at 4:30pm on weekday school nights. That leaves only the weekend for me to share watching television with Philip. We have found a number of television shows available on DVD to watch over time. On many weekend nights, it is the last thing Philip and I do before we each head off to bed. But occasionally I get lucky. At the end of a show, when his mother and sister have often gone to bed, Philip will sometimes leverage these private times to talk to me about what is on his mind.
The other exception is sports and exercise. Philip is very willing to include me when I can help. In this new school year, it has meant signing him up for off-season indoor lacrosse in San Geraldo and regularly serving as the driver for him and other players from the area playing on his team

Philip’s intense interest in exercise went to an even higher level some time in the summer. We had expected him to sleep as late as possible each morning. But instead Philip set his alarm to go off before the first signs of light. He began doing push-ups and various abdominal exercises. Philip’s morning exercise routine has given me the opportunity to take him on multiple shopping trips to the local sporting goods stores. We’ve purchased athletic shoes, dumbbells and ankle weights. Now, half an hour before my own alarm is scheduled to play a local radio station, I hear the siren of Philip’s alarm clock. It is followed by the sound of him climbing out of his bunk bed and then either the stomp of his lunges or the clink of his dumbbells.

On an outing to the grocery store, I took Philip alone and encouraged him to browse the men's magazines. He took no interest in the publications that focused on body-building, gaming, cars or fashion. But the more broad-based publication, Men's Health, appealed to him, so I added the five dollar newsstand price to that day's grocery bill. After Philip devoured the August issue, I invested around twenty dollars to get him an annual subscription. Now every so often, he emerges from his room to show me a new exercise he read about and wanted to try.

For a while, all of Philip's dawn exercises were a private affair. But he wanted to start running. I volunteered to manage his stopwatch while he worked to improve his time on a neighborhood run of roughly seven hundred meters. Now when I hear the alarm go off, I get out of bed myself. I throw on shorts, a tank top and a sweatshirt. I knock on his door and tell him to get me when he is ready to run. Five to twenty-five minutes go by while I cat nap. If my own alarm goes off, I know Philip won't be running. But normally he chooses to run. I leap up and join him downstairs. We lace our athletic shoes together and head outside. Philip may stretch or do some quick warm-ups, but he is normally ready to go almost immediately.

With Philip at the edge of our driveway, leaning forward ready to launch into a sprint, I speak a crisp "Ready … set … go!" He disappears into the darkness down the street. I turn the opposite direction and briskly walk to our meeting point at a nearby intersection. In the quiet of the morning, I never fully lose the sound of his feet slamming into the pavement with a rhythmic beat from somewhere in the neighborhood. Shortly after I arrive at our meeting point, the rhythm starts to get louder. He picks up the pace for the final stretch of his morning run. Soon he passes the finish mark and I tell him how much time elapsed. The sound of Philip's fast, heavy breathing replaces the first rhythm with a new one. Together we enjoy the short walk back to our house.

Over the past few weeks Philip's morning sprint has become a ritual that helps me relish what is left of the time I have with Philip under my roof. But whether it is the rhythm of his running or the rhythm of his breathing, it is still the sound of the ticking calendar to me.

When Teen Life Intersects Adult Life

2010-08-31T18:58:00.000-07:00

Teresa has been a good friend to Philip. I first saw Teresa at an off-season lacrosse game under the lights in Oxford Hills during November of Philip’s freshman year. While Amelia and I watched the game, Chloe paired off with Teresa’s younger sister to keep one another company. As it turned out, Teresa had a “new” boyfriend named Steven and he was playing Goalie on Philip’s off-season team. Even though she was there for her boyfriend, Teresa still made sure to spend some of her time after the game chatting with Philip.

Teresa is one year ahead of Philip at Hermes High School but she was in his Biology class during Philip’s freshman year. What I noticed most about Teresa when I first saw her in November were her mature and almost motherly features. Teresa had a huge smile, shoulder-length brown hair and carried herself more like a young adult and less like a teenager. She carried a large purse, wore little makeup and her clothing looked loose, practical and comfortable rather than tight, fashionable and uncomfortable. In dressing that way, Teresa deviated significantly from Hermes High School teenage girl normalcy.

Fast-forwarding to today, Teresa’s now “long term” boyfriend Steven is again on Philip’s off-season lacrosse team. But now Steven is a recent high school graduate. If it were not for Teresa, I would merely assume that Steven had enrolled in Junior College like the other recent graduates on Philip’s off-season team. But instead we know that Steven has enlisted in the U.S. Coast Guard and will be preparing for the possibility of active duty in the Persian Gulf shortly after the New Year. Until then, Steven is enjoying his last months of freedom, including having his share of fun playing Goalie for one last off-season.

On the last weekend of the summer, Philip and I walked into town so that Philip could enjoy lunch from a local deli he particularly likes. When we arrived, one of the outdoor tables was occupied by Teresa and three other girls I did not immediately recognize. One of them saw Philip and waved, and soon the small crowd was calling him over to chat. I told Philip I would meet him inside the deli after he was done chatting with his friends.

Philip spent a longer time than I had expected chatting with the girls but he eventually joined me in the deli, ordered his meal and the two of us began walking home. Philip was quiet as we began our walk back. When we were about a third of the way home, he began speaking. “Teresa told me her boyfriend Steven has enlisted in the U.S. Coast Guard. She’s really worried about him. They have very stringent requirements during basic training and then odds are he will be shipping off to the Persian Gulf once he completes basic training.”

I had expected the conversation in front of the deli was about the fact that high school was about to start again. Instead, they were speaking about very adult issues. College delays adulthood. But for those who do not take the college route, adulthood begins at age eighteen not long after high school graduation. Somehow, joining a military service like the Coast Guard is something particularly “adult” in my mind. I have already noted that the girls in Philip’s peer group tend to date older guys. Teresa is now the first to be dating an actual adult. And by extension, Philip now has a friend on his off-season lacrosse team who is an actual adult.

As I watched the first off-season game this past weekend, I found myself watching Steven almost as much as I was watching Philip. Like Teresa, Steven carries himself with a wide smile. I might have even noticed some “fatherly” looking features on the young man. In many ways he was the same kid who played under the lights in Oxford Hills last November. But life events like graduation and life choices like joining a branch of the military propel one forward. All of it reminds me of the ticking calendar. In three years, Philip may be headed off to college rather than the Coast Guard, but he will be roughly just as mature as Steven. Teen life will eventually intersect adult life, and that is a deep thought for a parent like me to ponder.

His First Summer Internship

2010-08-30T20:29:00.000-07:00

Philip did not earn any money this past summer. But he did work. During his Spring Break from Hermes High School, he interviewed for a summer internship with an online advertising agency and was offered the position. As it turned out, the real value for Philip working as the lowest man on the proverbial totem pole was found in the simple day-to-day experience.

It started with his alarm clock going off in the morning and the need to be dressed and out of the house on time to catch the County Bus. His bus trip lasted more than forty-five minutes and included a layover at the County’s central bus station in both the morning and afternoon rides home.

Once at the office, Philip went to his cubicle a few feet away from the office where his boss worked. The cubicle included an office chair and desktop computer with an internet and network printer connection. There was also a phone at the desk, but it was never switched on. The only other item of note was a slightly used cork board. Philip’s primary job was to search the internet for information of interest and provide that information back to his boss or whoever requested the research.

The internet research was pure “intern” grunt work. But Philip’s boss also gave a more long-term and interesting assignment. His boss wanted Philip to create a blog on which Philip could place affiliate advertising. At first Philip had no idea what kind of blog to create. In fact, other than reading this blog, Philip had no absolutely no experience with blogs. As a result, Philip struggled. Unlike school, Philip’s summer internship had no teacher to show him how to do his assignment. But eventually Philip decided to blog on a topic he knew well: PC Games. There were plenty of PC Games out there and new games as well as updates were constantly being churned out. While he didn’t buy or even play many of them, he had access to no shortage of people who could give their opinion and provide Philip insight from their experience. With PC Games as a topic, Philip at least had a plan.

Probably the most interesting thing Philip did over the summer was renegotiate his hours. After four weeks of sitting at his desk from 8:30am to 5:00pm doing only three to five hours of research work, Philip decided that he would like to arrive at 9:30 or 10:00am and leave at 1:30pm unless there was specific work to perform. Philip wanted to visit the beach and enjoy his summer a little more. So after discussing the matter with me and Amelia, Philip brought up the subject with his boss. As one might expect, his boss was already aware that he and his colleagues were only able to hand so much work to Philip, so the new hours worked out for all parties. For half of July and his remaining weeks in August, Philip worked just a half day at the advertising agency.

At the end of August with the new school year close at hand, Philip had rough drafts for two blog posts but had not actually created his blog. At home with Amelia, Philip reviewed the rough drafts with his mother. I as a reasonably experienced blogger worked with Philip on issues like color, font and style. Philip decided on using the Hermes High School colors for his blog and selected a font that worked for him. With Amelia, he decided to keep his posts between five hundred and eight hundred words. On the Wednesday of his final week with the advertising agency, Philip published his first blog post. And on Thursday, he deployed Google’s key-word advertising service onto his blog. And thus, Philip completed his 1most interesting assignment.

Friday August 20^th was the final day of Philip’s internship. He wrote his boss a kind good-bye note and provided a link to the newly deployed blog. His boss replied with an equally kind note and an offer to serve as a reference. While the internship was nothing particularly amazing, Philip gained a taste of the working world. As for his blog and future posts, only time will tell if Philip will stick with it, or end the blog after only a small number of posts. This blog, however, will continue with at least three posts per month for the foreseeable future.

Endearing Adolescent Behaviors

2010-08-22T16:09:00.000-07:00

Teenagers are no longer children but they are not quite adults. Part boy and part man or part girl and part woman, each is a complex mixture of maturity and immaturity, riding his or her last leg of physical, emotional, social and cognitive development up toward adulthood. Throughout history, the innocence and emerging boldness of young adolescents has been a cultural fascination.

Our culture today is particularly fascinated by teenagers. We find the combination of immaturity and emerging adulthood in a teenager highly endearing. Philip commented on his own feelings toward the immature behavior of teenage girls one day. “Lots of girls I know talk really fast and throw in ‘like’, ‘sooooo’, ‘oh-oh’ and ‘you know’ as filler,” he said. “I just find that really cute.” Moments after Philip made the comment, I remembered having similar feelings when I was his age. I remembered partially mimicking the communication pattern when talking with teenage girls. I would accelerate my own voice and throw in similar filler as punctuation to my half of the conversations. As an adult, I rarely speak with teenage girls, but when I do I now interact with extra deliberateness, extra articulation and less excitement than I would when speaking with an adult or even a teenage guy. I alter my communication behavior with teenage girls this way in order to clearly establish what I believe is an appropriate safe distance of unfamiliarity between adult men and teenage girls. As a result, it had been a very long time since I had witnessed this kind of teenage girl manner of speaking until just the other night.

The other night a group of families had gotten together for a late summer barbeque and many of the teenagers had invited friends along. The result was an unusual social mixture of adults, teens and tweens. Among the teenagers present was Philip’s friend Jocelyn. Jocelyn had recently returned from a month-long summer adventure into the Amazon jungle, and everyone wanted to hear the details of her rather unique experience.

As Jocelyn got more and more comfortable interacting with us as a group, she transitioned into what only could be described as a monologue. She spoke as quickly as she could think and released a stream of consciousness from which her story emerged in bursts and stops, often backing up to add extra detail that had initially been omitted. At least every other sentence contained the kind of filler words Philip described as cute. Jocelyn spent a while describing how her interest in the Amazon jungle first emerged early in the previous school year and then how her interest oscillated between intense interest in the Amazon and intense interest in various other summer pursuits as the school year progressed. Her recount of her oscillating interest culminated some time in April when it was only days before she had to register for the intercontinental adventure. Jocelyn’s long preamble included many references to her interactions with her mother who was clearly both very patient and very supportive throughout her daughter’s on-again-off-again decision process. I found it particularly touching how much Jocelyn chose to include her mother in this part of the retelling of her story.

Eventually Jocelyn transitioned to the trip itself. It included a brief description of the service projects she did in the villages, but she mainly focused on the details of day-to-day life. She first told us that in order to be culturally appropriate, her clothing had to be much more modest than had ever been required of her. Everything from her knees to her collar bone and shoulders needed covering. Then she talked about bugs, spiders and a large cat that pawed through the garbage one night. She ended her story talking about how she wanted to go to Africa next summer with the same teen adventure organization. The whole time Jocelyn spoke rapidly, jumped back and forth between distinct topics and punctuated her words with teen girl filler language. Philip was right. It was really cute.

The evening with Jocelyn was an important reminder to me. Though Philip and Chloe are now both in the second half of their tenure at home, I still have plenty of endearing events, actions and sayings to hear from both of them in the future. The happy memories will keep coming.

Family Summer Fun during the Great Recession

2010-07-31T21:06:00.000-07:00

The national debt is climbing, unemployment is excessively high and every neighborhood has at least one foreclosed home sitting empty. Contractors are competing for substantially fewer bids and revenues at small businesses are down significantly. Even for those who are working traditional jobs, commissions, bonuses, raises and overtime are in short supply while pink slips, pay cuts and layoffs constantly loom.

Despite the problems in the economy in general and personal financial challenges in specific, our family has made an effort to have fun together but on a tighter budget. As summer rolls into its final month, I cannot say we have indulged in only what is free, but we have found some very good low-cost values.

Our first low-cost pleasure has been free concerts on the beach. The sun sets and the summer heat melts away in favor of warmth radiating from the sand and a cool breeze blowing in from the water. Upper body layering becomes essential: A shirt, a sweater or sweatshirt and a pullover are ideal. But one can always be barefoot. Chart-topping bands from the 60s, 70s and 80s leverage their faded stardom to attract baby boomers, gen-Xers and their families. Parking rates are high close to the beach, but for those of us who are willing to walk there are less expensive and even free alternatives.

When Independence Day came around, a larger crowd than usual watched the fireworks from a distance on a piece of open green space in our neighborhood rather than paying the pricey admission to see the fireworks up close from the celebration in the town’s largest park. We invited friends to join us beforehand for a potluck barbeque. Rita brought her son and daughter over. We also had Joshua, Debbie and Abby along with their parents, plus Kevin and Katie join us. The teens and tweens went into the back yard, played music and jumped on our trampoline until it was time to watch the fireworks. Philip and I left briefly for Philip to play in an exhibition lacrosse game at the town’s largest park that included players from the youth, high school and adult teams promoting the sport to the community.

When we thought about summer camp for Chloe, we found a great alternative in youth theater. For the cost of just one week of traditional camp, Chloe joined roughly fifty other kids ranging from ages eight to seventeen and had six weeks of three hour evening practices. She has been singing, dancing and memorizing lines. She built a small wardrobe of various costume changes. A t-shirt and a few other items will be fun clothes for the new school year and perhaps her most flamboyant costume will be what she wears this coming Halloween. Chloe has made one new friend, strengthened one old friendship, been mentored by outgoing teenagers and been looked up to by adoring pre-tweens. Production was scheduled for the final days of July. As we took Chloe to the theater two hours early on opening night, she was beaming with excitement, anticipation and confidence. The play was beautiful and Chloe is now looking forward to the cast party as well as future get-togethers with her new friend.

Our least expensive piece of family fun has been arguably our most favorite. We are reading a novel out loud to one another in the evenings before bedtime. Picture a story that combines various elements that made Harry Potter, Indiana Jones, The Da Vinci Code and Twilight popular and enjoyable reads. It may be an oversimplification, but that is what our family has found in a lesser-known novel titled Angelology by Danielle Trussoni. The thick novel spins a multi-generational tale of secrets, conspiracies, cover-ups, other-worldly beings, supernatural powers, great hidden libraries and remote caverns, good versus evil, romances and adventures. We curl up comfortably in our pajamas sinking into the soft family room furniture and wrap ourselves in blankets. We allow just enough electric light to read comfortably and augment the ambiance with candles, popcorn and hot cocoa.

As I drift off to sleep each evening, I wonder how we will remember this summer. Will we mainly remember the hardships? Or will our memories mainly include our low-cost indulgences? My guess is we will remember both, but what we will mainly remember is sharing life with each other during this particular window in the kids’ development. Fun and great memories can be had in tough times. And love can endure and flourish even in the toughest times, including the Great Recession.

Words and Acts of Affection

2010-07-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

While the two are not particularly close, Philip and Davis travel within a loosely connected extended crowd that includes teens from all classes at Hermes and other nearby High Schools. Like Philip, Davis is fifteen and enjoying the summer between his freshman and sophomore year.

Philip met Davis one night in October at Charlotte’s house. There were perhaps forty-five teenagers present. Girls clearly but not ostentatiously outnumbered the guys. Just under half the guests were sophomores, followed by juniors, then seniors and finally freshmen. There were two freshman girls and three freshman guys: Philip was the only freshman guy from Hermes High School. Davis and the other freshman were from Conquistador.

Charlotte’s soiree highlighted the complex rituals of mutual validation high school girls carry on among one another particularly when greeting and saying good-bye. The rituals include shouting, squealing or even screaming one another’s names and nicknames, hugs and—especially when saying good-bye—the words I love you. These rituals are so important they spill over onto campus and online interactions as well as their interactions with guy friends. In social environments dominated by girls and these rituals, even the guys will cautiously hug and every so often even say I love you to one another.

But the rituals are not as simple as turning on a switch. Philip and Davis entered this crowd cautiously and likewise the crowd received them cautiously. It was two girls in the junior class, Renee and Jocelyn’s older sister Alison, who first started saying I love you to Philip and Davis. By January, the sophomore, junior and senior girls in the extended crowd had all made it a habit to say I love you to both Philip and Davis. The sophomore girls included Jocelyn, Jocelyn’s cousin Diana, one of the lacrosse player’s ex-girlfriend Teresa, Charlotte and Charlotte’s best friend Lauren, probably the most popular sophomore girl. The words I love you were often accompanied by a cautious hug. The freshman girls, however, would never give a public I love you to Philip or to Davis.

The words I love you were one thing and hugs were another. Girls nearly always give one another warm hugs. Guys—if they hug one another at all—give one another cautious hugs. The difference is that there is never any problem being close during a warm hug, but during a cautious hug, somebody is always being careful about just how close the hug is bringing them together.

Girls especially enjoy hugging in front of a camera. Girls will spend hours taking such photos. They often take the shots themselves in front of a mirror so that all present can be in the photos. Erica practically made a career of hugging in front of the camera. During the peak of her popularity, such hugs in front of the camera made Erica the other face in scores of profile pictures on Facebook. With guys, Erica would augment her sideways hug by pressing her hand and wrist onto the guy’s chest.

Since Philip never chases the camera, most pictures we see of him away from the family are taken with one or two girls sideways hugging him. During a Spring break trip to the beach on a cold day, Philip was in only four out of over a hundred taken. In each of the four, Alison and Philip had their arms around one another in a friendly, non-romantic sideways hug. After a barbeque, we saw a few pictures Philip enjoying sideways hugs with Teresa and Lauren. There were similar pictures from both events of Davis sideways hugging Jocelyn and Charlotte.

While Philip and Davis have been getting cautious hugs and the words I love you, Brian has been treated in a noticeably different manner all year. Brian is older and his popularity is huge. Brian, now between his junior and senior year, was Conquistador High School’s starting quarterback. Brian took Lauren as his date to his winter formal and Erica’s older sister as his date to his prom. No girl would ever condescend to give Brian a public I love you or hold back a warm hug. The lesson is a simple one. When a girl publicly says I love you to a guy, and hugs him cautiously, it carries genuine affection. But it also makes it clear he is not one of the hot guys and should not expect to be treated as such. In the eyes of any girl who is also a friend, Brian is unquestionably hot. But at least among older girls, Philip and Davis were not hot—at least until very recently.

On a sunny, windless and humid day in mid-July, many of the kids from the extended crowd were at a large pool together. The girls all wore two piece bikinis. The guys had their shirts off. Nearly everyone was in the pool chatting with one another. This was the first time Philip had his shirt off in front of these girls. While Davis had a belly spilling over his waistband, Philip could have been modeling for a Greek statue. His thin body and loose-fitting shirts had kept his six-pack abdomen plus his well-defined chest, shoulders and upper arms quietly hidden for months. But everyone present--including all the sophomore girls mentioned above—clearly witnessed Philip’s bulk, tone and fitness. When I picked him up and people were saying goodbyes, I noticed the change instantly. Philip was getting warm hugs from the girls and none of them were saying I love you. Davis was getting plenty of hugs, but they were all cautious and accompanied by the words I love you.

The change was not lost on Philip. Without anyone voting or and perhaps nobody even discussing it, Philip was now officially hot, and knowing it made him smile just a little.

Glitter on the Floor and Grinding at the Hips

2010-07-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

The club’s rules were enforced to the letter. Club Avalanche’s trained security staff ensured no drugs, alcohol, weapons, or anyone out of dress code or outside the age window of fourteen to eighteen made it through the door. Throughout the evening the security staff remained an ever-vigilant presence inside the club to swiftly expel anyone looking for a fight. These strict rules made me as a parent feel good about Philip attending one of their events.

Over the course of four high school dances during his freshman year, Philip had come to like dancing. While the kind of dancing Philip’s generation practiced at Hermes High School was racier than what I had experienced in my generation, Philip seemed to have found a set of boundaries that worked for him and as such I was comfortable as a parent. After reading all of the Club Avalanche marketing material, I encouraged Philip to check out one of their events. But Philip was only guardedly interested.* He decided to check one out. But he specifically wanted to check it out without bringing a friend along, and he specifically wanted to check it out at their event in Oxford Hills, a thirty-five minute drive from Hermes. In short, Philip didn’t want to see anyone he knew when he went to his first Club Avalanche event.

The evening began with a long wait in line outside the club. The doors did not even open until ten minutes after the event was supposed to begin. I promised not to leave Oxford Hills until Philip had sent me a text message from inside the club. I took the opportunity to enjoy a stroll in downtown Oxford Hills. Half an hour before the event was supposed to begin, Philip sent me a text commenting on his discomfort with the crowd waiting outside the club. Most of the teens in line were displaying a tough exterior, and nobody was using the opportunity to meet new people. Philip did not see anyone else who was alone. He saw groups of guys and he saw large groups of girls with just one or two token guys in tow. He was still only guardedly interested when he finally made it inside.

Colored lights waved. Strobe lights flashed. A DJ played all of the most popular dance songs. Philip was immediately disappointed with how loud the DJ was playing the music. It was impossible for two people to hear one another talking. Philip scanned the room before taking any kind of action. And then he saw it. Over half of the kids were grinding while they danced. There were no rules against grinding or any other sensual behavior at Club Avalanche, although the dress code meant everyone kept their clothes on. There were no drugs, alcohol, weapons or threatening behavior inside the club. But any other rules that one might infer were not enforced at all. There were no parents, no teachers, no school administrators, no coaches and no other rules. If it was consensual and could happen without putting someone out of dress code, it was happening in multiple places inside those four walls.

After assessing the overall mood and climate in the room, Philip started dancing to the loud, fast hip-hop beat. He worked his way behind a girl close to his age dancing without a partner. He had learned to approach cautiously, giving the girl ample opportunity to give him a subtle signal of rejection. At Club Avalanche, he found he was more likely to be rejected than was the case at a Hermes High School dance. But he had expected as much, given he was a stranger to everyone there. Some girls simply didn’t dance with strangers and it wasn’t always apparent who would dance with strangers and who would not. If the girl in question leaned back into his chest, Philip would share the rest of the song with her.

From the proximity of the dance floor, Philip saw the grinding live and up close. Some of it was overt and explicit. But much of it merely involved taking the contact he considered to be normal and extending that contact lower. And so Philip decided to try out the less explicit grind dancing. He began dancing up to a slightly older girl he had already seen grinding with more than one guy. As he got progressively closer, she continued to welcome his advances. With his hands firmly on both her hips, he cautiously moved his hip forward until it was firmly pressed against her buttock. The move was welcome, so he slowly turned to press both his hips against her from behind while she leaned her full body back into him and continued dancing. She seemed both satisfied and distant. His mouth was just a few inches from her ear, but he knew that the music was far too loud for her to hear anything he might say.

The song ended quickly and Philip saw his first grinding partner move on to someone else. He continued the pattern of dancing up to a girl, first securing her acceptance to dance in close proximity and then securing her acceptance to grind. Not all girls who leaned back into him agreed to the grinding, but many still did. With the end of each song, a new dance partner needed to be found. Dancing among the grinders, Philip experienced a surreal, high-energy, wordless cross between speed dating and hookup culture. Eventually, he took a break and visited the men’s room. When the door closed behind him, the music volume suddenly dropped. He felt a numb buzzing sensation in his ears. Then over the music and the buzzing, he began to hear a small group of guys talking about the girls they had been with so far that evening. Their misogynistic attitude annoyed Philip. And yet, without the ability to talk, girls and guys who had not met before were reduced to objects of consensual play out on the dance floor. This is just stupid, he thought.

Philip left the men’s room and returned to the edge of the dance floor. He scanned the room with a newly focused set of intentions. This time, he was looking to identify the girls who were not grinding. He picked up that the girls who were younger and avoiding the center of the dance floor were generally non-grinders. Although members is this segment of the population were the least likely to welcome him to dance in his regular fashion, these younger, more cautious girls were the ones on whom he focused his attentions for the rest of the evening.

At his request, I picked up Philip outside the club about half an hour before the evening’s event officially ended. He didn’t have much to say, except to tell me he was not planning on attending another one of their dance events any time soon. A couple weeks later, he told me he had no intention of ever returning. And as time passed, Philip slowly disclosed the full story of the grinding culture and his brief experiment with it. He had no interest in grinding, especially with complete strangers. And he really hated that fact that he could not even talk to his dance partners over the loud music.

While Philip was embarrassed to disclose the specifics of his experience, it was hard not to be impressed with his depth. His morals and ethics did not grow out of a “do and don’t” list imposed from the outside. Instead, he merely values relationships. And there were no relationships—not even casual friendships—to be found on the Club Avalanche dance floor: just glitter.

* See my comment on this post for an important explanation for those of you who read this blog regularly.

The Double Scoop Boy

2010-06-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

Summer is now upon us. School is over. Lacrosse season is over. Chloe celebrated her eleventh birthday. And last weekend we enjoyed this summer’s first ballroom dance event. The whole family went. Chloe brought her friend Wendy along. Philip and I wore dress pants, dress shirts, ties and blazers. Amelia, Chloe and Wendy wore formal dresses. The event was held at an ideal location. Just outside the ballroom was a large deck overlooking a three acre pond brilliantly reflecting a rising full moon.

Chloe and Wendy were nearly the only tweens who showed up for the dance event. There was just one tween boy besides them. Everyone else was either a teen or an adult. As the evening began to move forward, Chloe and Wendy discovered that nobody was asking them to dance. The one tween boy present was sticking close to a handful of teenage girls who were his sisters and cousins. And the thirteen and fourteen year old teen boys were giving their attention exclusively to the teenage girls. Eventually, the two came over to me to complain about their predicament. “Nobody is asking us to dance,” they said in near stereo.

“Why don’t you two go together, walk up to a group of boys and ask two of them to dance?” I asked. Their response was immediate, negative, certain and in perfect stereo. “Well,” I continued. “What if I offered you ice cream as a reward for asking?”

Wendy continued to shake her head, but Chloe got a gleam in her eye and said “Maybe.”

“Alright,” I responded. “You two decide what boys you would like to ask. Come back and talk to me at the end of the next song.”

Chloe knew how best to get what she wanted from me. So at the end of the next song Chloe walked up to me with Wendy at her side and said, “We want to know how much ice cream we get.”

I paused and looked around the room. “There is one boy your age in the room. Asking him to dance will get you a kiddie scoop. You can take turns asking him.” Having asked a boy to dance last summer, Chloe was much more comfortable with the idea than Wendy. Chloe simply waited for the next song to begin and then approached the tween boy who immediately accepted Chloe’s proposal. Chloe returned to us victorious at the beginning of the next song, but Chloe’s success did not inspire the necessary bravery in Wendy. But Chloe’s bravery had inspired the same in another. The tween boy approached us one song latter and asked Wendy to dance.

Getting the tween boy to dance was a good start, but I knew it was not enough. I carefully scanned the younger teen boys not knowing exactly what I was looking for until I spotted him. The Double Scoop Boy was standing confidently with three other boys close to his age. I had already seen him dancing with plenty of girls close to his age. He was not shy, and he seemed to be genuinely enjoying the evening. He had brown eyes, dark hair, light skin and just a few freckles. He was wearing a well pressed white oxford shirt, dark pants and a dark tie. His face still held some of the angelic features of a young boy. “OK, girls,” I said. “If you ask any teen boy to dance, I’ll buy you a single scoop. And if you ask the dark-haired boy in the white shirt to dance, I’ll buy you a double scoop.”

Chloe continued to take the lead. She asked a tall boy with a crew cut who was perhaps fourteen years old to dance. Then two songs later, Chloe approached The Double Scoop Boy and asked him. The Double Scoop Boy jokingly acted deeply flattered by opening his mouth and holding both palms forward before he relaxed into a smile and accepted Chloe’s proposal. He took advantage of the fact that he was taller than Chloe to twirl her as often as the music would allow.

The dance with The Double Scoop Boy had the effect I had intended. The boy with the crew cut stepped forward and asked Wendy to dance. Everyone saw the two girls having fun twirling beneath their young teen dance partners. And for the rest of the evening, Double Scoop Boy, the tween boy and a small band of young teenage boys (including one boy who had a mustache) kept Chloe and Wendy on the dance floor as often as any teenage girl was on the dance floor.

In the end, we all had a great evening. And now I am looking forward to another great evening. I will be spending it with Chloe and Wendy at the local ice cream shop where they will claim the double scoops I promised them.

Sharing the Mundane

2010-06-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

Love is what emotionally healthy people do. Nearly everyone wants to love and nearly everyone wants to be loved. I love my wife and my children, and they in turn love me. The key difference that makes love greater than like is sharing life together. This is not to say that people who like each other do not share life together. But what I am saying is that sharing life together is an essential ingredient in love, but it is not an essential ingredient in like.

When I look back at the most meaningful memories in my life, nearly all of them were shared with someone close. And the most meaningful of all were shared with a loved one. This comes as no surprise. But within that collection of meaningful memories, there is a surprise. The surprise is that what was going on during so many of those most meaningful memories was something entirely mundane. In fact, the more I love someone, the more I want to share the most mundane parts of that person’s life.

With Chloe for example, it would have been both easy and normal to simply let her out of the car during the handful of mornings this past spring when I dropped her off at school. But Chloe had a request that once asked I was quite happy to grant. Chloe wanted me to walk with her from the parking lot across the street. In fact the further I walked with her from the parking lot to her classroom, the happier she would be. And sure enough, now that the school year is behind us those memories of walking Chloe across the street those few mornings are particularly treasured memories.

Over four years older than Chloe, Philip is significantly more complicated. His natural desire to explore and assert his independence and my natural desire as a parent to ensure he explores and asserts his developing independence often operate in direct conflict with our mutual desire to share life. If I take too great an interest in Philip’s affairs—especially his most private affairs—Philip reacts quickly and decisively to protect his independence. For his most private affairs and musings both Amelia and I now need to let Philip come to us. And when he does, it is always a treasured memory.

The imbalanced interest in sharing life between a teenager and his or her parents is often a source of great frustration on both sides. But I think I have found the solution to this frustration. The solution is found in sharing the mundane whenever the opportunity presents itself. My grandfather, for example, taught me how to drive a car. He endured what was in theory endless hours of driving nowhere particularly special. But I expect my grandfather never tired of my teenage driving. I got to assert my independence. He got to support it. And the two of us got to share the mundane. My grandfather died over a decade ago. And my one of my most cherished memories of him was the driving lessons.

And so the other morning, I chose to seize an opportunity to share a mundane part of Philip’s life. As he was heading out to walk to the city bus stop in order to get to work, I asked him if I could walk with him. He was happy to say yes to a companion for the otherwise uneventful walk. But for me, I got to experience a small part of his teenage life. The walk took only five minutes. And then we waited for the bus for another five. We talked, but we didn’t talk about anything particularly interesting. And there were long stretches of silence. When the bus came, I couldn’t help but notice how different it seemed watching him get on a bus to go to work from watching him get on a bus to go to school. If nothing else, he was at least ten years younger than everyone else riding the bus. He seemed to step onto the bus differently. There was no threat of accidently doing something socially inept. He simply got on the bus and the bus simply left.

Alone at the bus stop, I was glad I had elected to take that mundane walk. I will never forget that walk, and I will never forget the image of Philip disappearing into the city bus. I look forward to sharing more mundane parts of Philip’s life, perhaps even more than I look forward to sharing the non-mundane parts of his life.

Taking it in from the Bleachers

2010-06-28T22:13:00.000-07:00

There is a unique smell that permeates a high school campus in the springtime. The smell gets especially pungent in the afternoons on and around the athletic fields. It is as if a unique grass grows on high school athletic fields and nowhere else, yet the use of artificial turf does little to deter the emergence of that springtime high school campus aroma. It seems to hold the same on both rural campuses as well as urban campuses. And the afternoon pungency lingers well into evening for any event that draws in parents and other members of the community after hours.

The first day I picked up Philip after lacrosse practice, the smell of the campus and the athletic fields brought me back almost instantly to my own high school decades in the past in a completely different part of the country. It was nearly the same smell. I could hear the lacrosse coaches shouting commands targeted toward the young adolescent male athletic psyches. The inflections Philip’s coaches put into each word echoed the same authority and temperament of my own high school coaches.

I made it a point to attend as many lacrosse games as possible during Philip’s freshman season. To sit on the bleachers for home games, I had to ascend a steep incline that normal erosion would never permit, but earth-moving equipment had nonetheless established in order to ensure level ground for the football-soccer-lacrosse field below the equally level softball field above. For the first lacrosse game, I had to also endure not-yet-mowed thick grass and weeds that had grown up during the intense seasonal rainfall that had ended only a couple weeks before. A parent I recognized jokingly told me to check for ticks when I reached the foot of the bleachers.

I was not expecting to see Philip get much game time as a freshman. Instead I was expecting a token amount of time at the end of each game in which the score was not too close. Early in the season, my expectations were mostly true. Philip and his freshman peers did not see any field time until Hermes was ahead by double digits. But over the course of the season that slowly changed. The first freshmen to see significant game time were Walter and one other particularly large, aggressive football player. What they lacked in core skills, Walter and his freshman football comrade made up for with tenacity and raw determination. Walter was particularly and impressively aggressive. But for Philip in his fifth lacrosse season, seeing Walter regularly drop the ball was a source of some frustration.

Philip’s day came later in the season. The older, more experienced players began to notice Philip’s competence and consistency perhaps two or three weeks before the coaches did. Philip knew the plays, could keep the ball in his net even when double-teamed and had an eye for when to pass for a teammate to score. By the final games of the regular season and all the way to the championship game, Philip was part of the regular varsity line-up rotating into the midfield, normally as center.

It was a slow change I witnessed while drinking in the familiar smells of a springtime high school campus. As Philip’s freshman season unfolded, I remembered knowing players who were like Philip. As freshman they slowly gained the respect of their coaches and teammates. Philip could not claim to be a star, but he was emerging. His position on next year’s varsity line-up was no longer in question.

To me taking it all in from the bleachers, it was the emergence that was so captivating. And when combined with the smell of the campus and my own high school memories it all evoked, I became keenly aware of the ticking clock. Philip has been under our roof for over fifteen years. But in the spring of his eighteenth year, Philip will graduate from Hermes High School and will soon after head off to pursue his adulthood. I want to savor every moment of what remains of Philip’s time under our roof. And somehow, the smell of the Hermes High School campus is part of that savor.

The Age Gender Gap

2010-05-28T17:05:00.001-07:00

May is Prom month for high school students. Juniors celebrate their final weeks as underclassmen and look forward to their senior year. Seniors celebrate their final weeks of high school and look forward to life beyond high school. And a large number of freshmen and sophomores join in the celebration as dates. And it is here that we find a huge gender disparity. Nearly all the younger dates are girls. According Philip, only one freshman guy at Hermes High School was even asked to the Prom, and the guy in question turned down the older girl’s invitation.

As the spring weeks moved forward, Philip’s female classmates began posting Facebook comments about going to Prom, buying their dresses and scheduling make-up and photo appointments. The comments were followed closely by actual photographs of these classmates posing at various stages of the process with each other and with their older dates, culminating in them all wearing formal attire. And within a few days after Prom, many of Philip’s female classmates disclosed they were in official relationships with their older Prom dates. Formspring then provided the venue where an endless stream of questions about these girls’ sexual activity were first rebuffed and then answered.

In stark contrast, Philip is still saving his first kiss for someone special. At this age, the girls on average have experienced significantly more “relationship firsts” than their guy counterparts: First dates, first boyfriends, first break-ups, first kisses, first Proms, as well as plenty of “first” sexual milestones.

As a parent, I am in no rush to see Philip chalk up a bunch of these “firsts” at such a young age. But it is becoming painfully clear to me that Chloe’s freshman year of high school will be fraught with much more danger as well pressure to enter into “firsts” than Philip has experienced during his freshman year. And it is simply because Chloe is a girl. For teenagers, there is an age gender gap, and there always has been.

For Philip, the age gender gap played out effectively in his favor for the first time one recent Saturday evening. He hosted a teen social at our home that was arguably the best one yet. Its success came as a pleasant surprise.

Philip and Chloe were both at an unrelated early evening event on a Saturday where a bunch of kids they knew were in attendance. Chloe was actually the one to have the idea. “Can Philip and I invite our friends back to our house for a teen social? I thought we could rent the movie, Push.”

“Check with your brother, but sure. It sounds like a good idea,” I answered. An hour later, there were eight kids ranging from Chloe’s age to Philip’s age at our house. We simply brought out soda and popcorn we already had. Amazon.com’s instant movie service allowed us to rent Push for just a few dollars.

Philip was joined, by two other fifteen-year-old freshman guys: His best friend Joshua and another guy named Kevin. Then there were three thirteen-year-old girls: Joshua’s sister Debbie, Debbie’s best friend Katie, and our family friend Ashley. Chloe was joined by Joshua’s youngest sister Abby who was only six months older than Chloe.

We had been observing a relationship developing between Debbie and Kevin for several weeks. Things solidified as Kevin and Debbie sat close with Kevin’s arm wrapped fondly around Debbie’s shoulder. According to Chloe, the two kissed some time at the end of the evening when no adult was there to witness the event. Kevin later told me it was their first shared kiss.

What I think made the evening so enjoyable for everyone was that the guys were not feeling inferior to the girls, and the girls were clearly enjoying the mostly respectful attention from the older guys. The one possible exception might have been Joshua who was more interested in gaining Philip’s attention than the attention of either Katie, Ashley or his sister.

When the movie was over and we were waiting for rides to arrive, the guys got on their hands and knees to begin forming a pyramid for my camera. Philip was in the middle. Katie climbed on top of Philip and Kevin. Debbie climbed on top of Philip and her brother. Ashlee and Chloe helped Abby up to top off the pyramid.

While his girl peers were posting very grown-up looking Prom photos to Facebook, Philip’s image appeared on Facebook at the base of a very not-grown-up looking pyramid. For Philip, the age gender gap is keeping him young for just a little bit longer.

Commercial Teen Dance Events

2010-05-23T12:27:00.000-07:00

Bubonic is the name that was given to the dreaded plague that ravaged western civilization during the Dark Ages. It is also the name that was given to a teen dance club that operated in the 1980s not far from where I grew up. I knew The Bubonic mostly by reputation. I had a reasonably close friend who went regularly. It was housed in an otherwise unused warehouse at a light industrial park. The music was punk and the more raucous new wave styles of the time. My reasonably close friend said he went there to slam dance.

Once I had access to my own car, my curiosity about The Bubonic needed to be satisfied. My best friend and I dressed in faded blue jeans, un-tucked button-up shirts and sneakers. We parked easily enough and could hear the music emanating from the warehouse building with the clarity and volume going up each time the door opened. But then we saw some of the other guests for the evening and we began to seriously question our attire. A guy and a girl strolled past. Each had long, spiked jet black hair and pale skin. They were each wearing a metal-studded black leather jacket, a tight white t-shirt, black pants and black boots. The girl’s boots had high heels. The girl had put on black lipstick and black nail polish. She had large metal earrings that matched the metal studs on her jacket. The guy had a chain metal choker necklace. Behind them were two slightly smaller guys wearing similar attire, except they wore black vests instead of leather jackets.

Between our realization that our attire was completely wrong, rumors of fights and a general sense of uncertainty, my best friend and I decided not to even attempt to enter The Bubonic that evening. And we never went back for another try. Although it was a commercial venture, we did not get the impression The Bubonic was safe. And we were probably right. We had heard there were bouncers. But bouncers didn’t sound like security to us. Bouncers seemed like people tasked to protect the club and not the guests at the club. Besides the fights, there were almost certainly drug deals happening. Part of the so-called fun associated with The Bubonic was the sense of danger. But my best friend and I had a low tolerance for danger.

When looking at teen partying, the world has evolved significantly since the 1980s. In some ways things have gotten worse and in some ways things have gotten better. With a whole new generation of controlled substances flooding the black market, the underground teen parties have gotten much more sinister and much more dangerous. But I am finding myself very optimistic about the commercial events available to this generation of teens.

Club Avalanche is a commercial enterprise that sponsors regional teen dance parties throughout the year. The parties are held at various commercial night clubs converted for teen use during the evening in question. The bar is re-stocked with strictly non-alcoholic beverages. A professional security service trained in teen management patrols the club throughout the party and enforces the club’s zero-tolerance policies. Event dates, hours, locations, themes, dress codes and even the rules of etiquette are clearly communicated online for both parents and teens to see. Valid identification proving one is fourteen to eighteen years of age is required for entrance that also involves a search. A male security guard searches the guys and a female security guard searches the girls. No contraband gets past the doors.

As I read the parent material for Club Avalanche, I am beginning to think their events are even safer than the handful of school dances that are run by teachers and volunteer parents at Hermes High School and the other schools in the community. Although Club Avalanche ‘s admissions price is more than double what a school dance costs, I would expect a higher quality experience for the teens who attend: Better sound, better lights, an actual dance floor, adequate seating and a strict “no-in-and-out” policy enforced by trained security personnel. Additionally, their events last a full four hours compared to the two and a half hour high school dances.

Lastly, Club Avalanche has an effective marketing machine. Nothing ruins a teen event more than low attendance. Club Avalanche leverages a website, Facebook, and MySpace pages, text messaging, email and old-fashioned word-of-mouth with cool graphics and regularly updated, concise communication. Their events wind up well attended by the kind of kids who really want to dance and are happy to go somewhere new and even meet and dance with people they haven’t met before in an environment that doesn’t allure them with drugs and alcohol.

Philip is planning to attend his first Club Avalanche event on Memorial Day weekend and seems to be eagerly looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to hearing about his experience. But there is one thing that is already very clear to me. Club Avalanche is nothing like The Bubonic.

Reflecting on Teen Hookups

2010-05-16T15:43:00.000-07:00

I was sixteen. Leona was seventeen. Leona was one of my friend Janine’s best friends. On the day I met Leona, the three of us joined around twenty-five other teens on a trip to the regional Six Flags theme park. The three of us spent the entire day together in May of my sophomore year of high school. Janine and Leona were juniors. Janine went to my school. Leona went to Janine’s old school and I had never met Leona before.

On the two hour drive to Six Flags, Janine, Leona and I shared a wide seat in one of the vans taking us to the theme park. I got to know Leona over a long animated conversation during which it became clear to me that Leona and I shared the same kind of humor that Janine particularly appreciated. Janine was laughing during almost the entire ride sandwiched in the middle of the seat between me and Leona.

As we walked into the theme park, Janine and Leona shared some private words they whispered back and forth to one another. Then at the very first theme park ride, Janine moved forward past Leona, effectively changing the seating order. The significance was not lost on me. Janine got in first, followed by Leona and I squeezed in last. I put my arm around Leona’s shoulders. She made herself comfortable leaning into my side before she looked at me and said, “I have a boyfriend. OK?”

It is possible Leona was making a weak attempt at saying no. But I interpreted her words to mean that whatever was going to happen between us that day would last only that day. And in the last remaining seconds before the first ride started, I decided to accept Leona’s terms. “That’s alright,” I replied and I squeezed her just a little tighter.

Leona and I spent the rest of the day ostentatiously close to one another under Janine’s non-judgmental eye. The closest thing we had to privacy took place in a photo booth after we ate lunch. Leona reminded me she had a boyfriend and I reiterated that I accepted that fact. And then we shared our first kiss. The kissing resumed during the ride home. We sat in the back seat of a station wagon. A parent we didn’t know was driving. Leona sat in the middle between me and Janine. Janine pretended to sleep. Leona reminded me she had a boyfriend one last time and I reiterated that I accepted that fact. We then spent the bulk of the two hour drive home slouched in one another’s arms kissing. After that day, I neither saw nor spoke to Leona again. Every once in a while I would ask Janine about Leona and Janine would merely tell me that Leona was doing fine.

Now I am the parent of a teenage boy and a somewhat soon-to-be teenage girl. I have become aware that hookups are very common among high school students. By hookups, I mean kissing or more between two people who are not in a committed relationship. Decades ago, Leona and I kept our hookup tame; we only kissed. But Philip has peers at Hermes High School who not only hook up frequently, but also sometimes do much more than kiss during their hookups. At this age, it is mainly the girls hooking up with older guys.

From my adult and parent’s perspective, I do not like teen hookups. I would like to tell Philip and Chloe that I carry a great sense of guilt over what transpired between me and Leona that day decades ago. But that would be a lie, and I do not ever lie to them. Instead, how I feel is much more complicated. I have two key regrets about how I handled relationships in general at that age. If I had handled relationships differently, my day with Leona would have played out much differently.

1. I regret that I did not apply myself to developing good relationship skills. Instead, I applied myself to developing my charm. The result was that I became very good at attracting a girlfriend (or the rare hookup like Leona). But I was not capable of sustaining my relationships or even ending them in an emotionally healthy manner. And so the ultimate outcome was a lot of avoidable heartache and fewer happy memories for both me and the teenage girls in my life at the time.

2. I regret that I did not have a clear set of rules regarding romance and intimacy. It was only when I reached college that I set my own rules for what I would permit myself to do outside a committed relationship, what I would do only within the confines of a committed relationship and what I would wait for until I was married. Once I made those rules for myself, kissing was something I did only inside the confines of a committed relationship. Today, I hope Philip and Chloe will decide to adopt rules similar to those I set for myself in college.

With the recent revelation about Erica’s hookup behavior, I find Erica’s words to Philip early in the year about her poor relationship skills quite haunting. Many teens today take the same naïve and unplanned approach relationships that I did decades ago. And many teens like Erica take my naïve approach much further. Teen hookups won’t go away and they won’t be tamed. But I don’t see teen hookups as being universal either. I know that there are also many teens among Philip’s peers who are determined to pursue their relationships in a mature and emotionally healthy manner. Such teens are willing to forego the short term pleasures of a teen romance or hookup in order to stay on course with their more long term goals and values.

Good relationship skills and a sense of direction can be developed over the course of adolescence in step with the development of charm and desire. That is the way I am raising Philip and Chloe. And I know many of my parent peers are giving similar instructions about relationships to their kids. But with the freedoms of adulthood so close on the horizon, this is not something parents can simply control. It is up to our teens to decide for themselves.